Posted by gardenergirl on February 17, 2004, at 10:11:35
In reply to Thank you for the validation » pegasus, posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 20:44:36
> Yes, my mother can say things that cut me to the quick, but that doesn't mean that I'm not already hyper-sensitised to her behavior or words. I think it's a little like an allergy: You have to be exposed to the allergen before you'll react to it.
Good analogy. My T came up with one for me about being hypersensitive. He says it's like I am perpetually sunburned. (Good analogy for me as I am quite fair and only burn--never tan). So whenever anyone pokes at me, even gently or sometimes in a good way, it hurts. And being in grad school is like living on the beach without sunblock or an umbrella.
My own mother does not say anything that cuts me to the quick. Rather, it's her lack of response. She is quite superfical although charming and social. It's like she's an empty shell, though as far as emotional warmth. Considering she's a nurse, it's kind of weird. I think I've posted this elsewhere, but she still has never acknowledged me earning my master's. And I'm the first in the family to reach this milestone. She never called to wish me luck on my clinical competency exam or even asked how I did. It simply is not on her horizon.
But I have been struggling lately when thinking about childhood. My memories are all of me being alone or with other kids. There are no parents in my memory when I think of being out and playing. I would like to think that I was at least supervised, but it's a huge gap in the picture not having a parent figure there. The memories, when viewed through this context seem lonely. My mom never played with us. Both my parents interacted with us as if we were little adults, unless we were "bad" then we were punished.
I recently was looking through some old picures from childhood. In all of them I am smiling brightly and look like I am a very happy child. I have a hard time reconciling this. Perhaps it's just the decades of lack of validation that turned that happy bright girl into one who is hypersensitive to rejection and so insecure? It's a puzzle.
> (No, I *will not* tell my mother that our relationship is like an allergy. No. Absolutely not. But it is a good analogy, ain't it?)
I don't think I would ever talk to my mom about this, because I feel like it wouldn't even register with her. Nothing that isn't about her and from her ever does.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:312615
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040211/msgs/314595.html