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Ditto pegasus

Posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 16:41:06

In reply to Re: You can't be the Black Hole for validation.... shortelise, posted by pegasus on February 14, 2004, at 16:52:56

I go through it with the pdoc and the therapist, both. With the pdoc, he's so dang slurpy I almost slide out of my chair, tripping over my tongue like a bedazzled teenager with her first crush. Then I do things like Show Off and Generally Make An @$$ Of Myself. Last time, I made him look at an essay I wrote about a science fiction book that's on the web at an obscure site. {{groan}} I can't believe I did that.

Some of that is mistrust, on my part. Fear that he'll label me "hypochondriac" or "atypical Munchausen" or something. I know a lot about medicine and politics because of weird coincidences in my past life, so I get a little pedantic sometimes, and ask some questions that have produced negative reactions in other doctors. So, my very first words to him at our first appointment were, "I'm not your average patient, I had a 4.0 GPA for math and science in college, and I need to be informed and involved in every step of this process." (By the way, a number of men have told me that I'm a little frightening sometimes.) Now, which way would you take that? Insecurity raising its head, screaming 'you'd better take me seriously!'? Reasonable concern, considering some of my past experiences with doctors and meds? Arrogance? (Can't be the last, since I can't spell it, right?)

With the T, I have to use examples of "Above Average" to illustrate my basic worthlessness. Like how I got that 4.0 in math and science. "Gee, I really wasn't a very good student, because, see, to get those grades, I had to sign up for a tutor, set up study groups, transcribe my notes after every class, and read a lot of background materials. That's proof that I just didn't get it right." Even I can see how ridiculous that is. Maybe it was all a sham, but who cares? I did do all those things, I did get my A's, and it doesn't have to be easy to be done right. (Obviously, I haven't quite gotten past that one. Maybe it's my mother's voice, ringing from years past: "If you'd really been that smart, you would have taught yourself to read before you started school.")

We carry a lot of baggage around, and this need for approval is probably something that we don't eliminate, but refine into a healthier desire for respect. That's my thought for the day. So exhausting I'll have to go lie down, now...


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Racer thread:312615
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