Posted by pegasus on February 16, 2004, at 13:39:41
In reply to your junk, my junk, let's throw it all out » pegasus, posted by Racer on February 16, 2004, at 12:07:23
Oh, Racer, that was just beautiful. Both the pain and the joy. It makes me want to remember the magical things from my mother, too.
My mom wasn't magical in the same way that you describe, but she was emotionally always very warm. I could walk up to her and hug her at any time, and she would do the same. We snuggled a lot. She always believed in me - in my abilities. And she was always proud of me. She would sew me clothes - anything I wanted she would happily make for me. Prom dresses, jeans, all kinds of complicated things. She made my wedding dress, and it was fabulous.
Last summer she came to visit, and I took her to a retreat center as a treat for a few days (there's that seeking approval thing for sure!). We had massages and learned to meditate, and did yoga, and had other people cook for us, and walked in the fields and basically relaxed. We also talked at great length. Probably for the first time in my life. She *loved* it. She said it was the best vacation she'd ever had and that I'd made her feel so special. She told me about how shy and depressed she was when she was young, and how she looks at all of her kids now (4 of us) and can't believe we're hers because we're all so smart and capable. :)
And then . . . there is the time she told me, just in the middle of a phone call, that my sister was her favorite. How she just loves my sister, and so much enjoys the time they spend together more than with anyone else. She's so creative and funny and smart. Hello! I'm right here! I just brushed it off with, "Yeah, she's really great, isn't she."
It would be great if you could write some of what you wrote here to your mom. Although, I understand about wanting to protect her, if she's fragile. I feel that way about my mom, too. I've had conversations with my therapist about things my mom has done to hurt me, and he has asked if I ever let her know. I always am shocked by the suggestion. No way! I don't want to hurt her. And he says, "Well, but her pain is about her. Maybe you could point out that what you are saying is not about her feelings. It's about yours. And part of being a mom is that you need her to be there to care about your feelings. It's not about her needing to beat herself up about it. It's about you needing to be able to talk to her." But. . . but. . . but . . . I always think that part of being a daughter is respecting your parents and not hurting them.
So, I'm obviously confused about that too. I would love to hear what your T says about all this.
poster:pegasus
thread:312615
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040211/msgs/314118.html