Posted by fallsfall on February 4, 2004, at 10:09:49
In reply to Re: Research » fallsfall, posted by gardenergirl on February 3, 2004, at 22:31:13
I read this post last night. I know that it is intended to be a hopeful post - "It will be OK, you *can* do it, and good things will happen". But all I got was terror. It is a little less frightening this morning - but not much.
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> But in therapy, this is somewhat problematic. Part of therapy invovles letting go of control of the process and trusting (yikes, I originally typed "trysting" Can you say "transference"?) the T and the process to get you where you need to go. Boy, that is SO hard! Especially for well-read people. My T had to remind me more than once, in a gentle way mind you, that HE was the T and I was the client. I was also trying too hard to figure out what I was supposed to say and where things were going. I was also trying to interpret things myself (oocupational hazard, I guess).<<< I am getting better at letting myself truly respond to what he is saying in therapy. I used to plan and practice the whole session in advance. These days I rarely even bring a list of things to talk about. Just one idea.
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> But anyway, once I gave in and let go and began to trust the process, things moved along better. I stopped worrying if I was saying or doing the "right" or "wrong" thing and I trusted Bear to guide me as needed if I got off track. He does this quite unobtrusively. In fact, even though I know how psychodynamic therapy is supposed to work, it still felt almost "magical" to me when I noticed I was behaving differently (and more adaptively) in situations bound to cause me anxiety. He and I never talk about behavioral stuff except in the context of me griping or bringing issues up. So how did I manage to "act" better? I believe it is through developing insight into my defenses and issues, learning to accept that I am a certain way, and by accepting that I developed a paternal transference with him and that is OKAY.<<< The problem is that I am not capable of being spontaneous (in therapy or anywhere else). I can't grasp that things don't have to be either "right" or "wrong". I can't fathom how something just "is". So, in my view, what I say HAS to be either right or wrong - helpful to therapy or not helpful to therapy. If I say things that are not helpful to therapy, then therapy will fail and I will never feel better. That is my agony.
<<< I see what you are saying to do, but - literally - I don't know how to do that. How can I tell myself that whatever I say/do is OK when my life hangs in the balance?
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> I feel like I've come a long way, but in the moment to moment sessions, I can't really pinpoint any "right" or "wrong" responses or actions. It really feels like magic, which goes against all of my analytical needs.
><<< I do know that the truth is always more right than even a half truth. I try to be completely honest. But I think that I do have an agenda, and I am compelled to be sure that the agenda is right and that I follow it (and don't just ramble around - though I'm really trying to allow a little rambling). How am I supposed to decide what to talk about first? At a minimum, *I* have to make a decision on that. Perhaps after that I can let things wander. But we have to start somewhere.
> So I guess I am not really just going on blind faith with Bear, as I do know how things are supposed to work based on my training and education. But I've allowed him to lead the way and allowed myself to take risks without worrying about being right or wrong.
<<< I do tell the truth, even if I don't like it, or think he won't like it. Is that what you mean about taking risks?
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> I don't mean to imply here that you are similar, but I have a client who, I think, tends to censor herself out of a similar desire to give the "right" responses. She is quite sensitive to being judged and evaluated in many different contexts. I think it would be a sign of real progress if she started to free associate more and censored less. Even when I try to suggest that maybe she experiences me as evaluating her or judging her, she tends to give the "right" response by saying, "but you are not supposed to do that." She cannot suggest to me that perhaps she experiences me as critical as well. She knows rationally (I hope) that I am not critical of her. If she feels it in her gut, she doesn't want to admit it, because that would not be rational. Does that make sense?<<< I am sensitive to being judged. I really think that my therapist defines my "goodness". If he thinks I'm good, then I am. If he thinks I'm bad, then I am. If I thought that he was being critical of me, then I would conclude that I was doing the wrong thing and the solution would be for me to do the right thing so he wouldn't be critical.
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> Fallsfall, I bet you are a challenging (in a good way) and gratifying client to work with due to your research and interest in the process. Perhaps you could talk with your T about these issues? It may help to relieve some of your concerns about "right" and "wrong" responses. I tend to believe there are no right or wrong, there simply ARE responses.<<< We do talk about this. The need to be "good" and the fact (yes, fact) that my goodness is evaluated by him are deeply entrenched. Very deeply entrenched.
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> Take care,
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> gg
><<<Thank you so much Gardnergirl. My fears are becoming a little clearer. Perhaps that is the first step.
poster:fallsfall
thread:309088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/309255.html