Posted by likelife on November 14, 2002, at 21:58:23
I don't know if this is the right place to post this, and I'm sorry to put this out there, because I haven't done anything to support any of you (I would like to, but don't know what to say), but I'm still asking for your support.
I saw my pdoc this afternoon, and left feeling more suicidal than I was when I arrived. He's a relatively new doc for me--I've only been seeing him for a couple of months, after my old doc left town. Just being there was depressing me, because I feel like I'm running out of options medwise--I'm already taking 4 psychotropic meds; he tried to add a 5th a couple of weeks ago, but I couldn't tolerate it. He doesn't seem like the most competent guy out there. Every time I see him, he asks which medications I'm taking and whether I've had a history of suicide attempts, something I think he would remember after having been informed about it 4 or 5 times. He asked me how I was doing (not well at all), said, "tell me about your death thing," which apparently meant talk about your suicidal ideation, plans, etc. After I told him I had no specific plan, but was thinking about it often, he replied, "that sucks." Several minutes later he asked me if I thought I had borderline personality disorder. (I don't think I do, based on my limited knowledge of it--but why was he asking me this in the first place?) In the end, he asked me what I wanted to do with the meds, and I honestly told him I had no idea. He suggested I taper off one of my meds and call him in a month. What I needed to say, but didn't, was that I don't think I can wait a month.
I've spent the evening juggling this around in my mind, and as a result, have spent most of it crying, feeling completely hopeless about the whole thing. My husband is thoroughly frustrated because he thinks I need to try to take more control of my depression, and I sympathize with him because I know I've made his life miserable.
Somehow I have to take final exams next week, but can't at this moment fathom how this is possibly going to happen. My mind is stuck.
I had to cancel my next appointment with my therapist because I accidentally scheduled it at a time when I have an exam, and I didn't really have the energy to try to reschedule it. I know I need to go see her, but am afraid that she is colluding with my doc (they both work at my HMO's clinic). Maybe I'm becoming paranoid on top of everything else.
I really don't know what to do at this point, except to force myself through my work and try to get some sleep. Concentrating is nearly impossible though, because I can't stop thinking about, well, suicide. What do you do when you get to a point where it looks like nothing will help. Miller, I know you talked about drugs and therapy, and how it sometimes seems like there's no solution.
I have never felt so alone.
poster:likelife
thread:1549
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021109/msgs/1549.html