Posted by Barbara Cat on July 26, 2003, at 13:36:57
In reply to Re: Attn: Dali, posted by fluffy on July 26, 2003, at 11:39:27
Dali, Fluffy is right on in her words of wisdom. As one who was finally treated correctly for BP just 1.5 years ago (actually I insisted due to what I learned on this board that I was bipolar rather than recurrent severe depression. My pdoc agreed to try bp meds instead of SSRIs, which are baaaaad for BPs), I've begun to relax and trust that I'm not going to fall off into the abyss again. No matter what scintillating insights and madcap highs I had, nothing, absolutely nothing, was worth the horrible depressions, the promises made and not kept, the embarassment of appearing like a floozy.
For example, I'd go to office Christmas parties and the like, drink copious amounts of margaritas, wine, whatever, with a Vicodin chaser. This gave my already stratospheric mood rocket fuel energy. I'd then proceed to get up onto the dance floor and do a very sensual belly dance by myself in the middle of 300 or so people. I'd insistently pull the CEO onto the floor to dance with me. We'd then break into a conga dance around the room, me gleefully laughing and spinning ecstatically in the center - at least this is what I remember. Very audacious and at times very magical and fun. Problem was, I got a certain free-spirit rep that I couldn't live up to in normal or down times where I'd sit bawling in my cubicle cause I couln't put two thoughts together. Besides I was mortified at my behavior which would become rather predatory as the night wore on. And me, at 50 years old, married, with a very responsible project managment position!
That fun driven energy would eventually disintegrate into burnt out disorginization and sloppiness. We won't even mention the DUI, the prescription forgery arrest, the lost friendships, the loss of self esteem, the house in shambles, abandoned projects all over the place, for the life of me I couldn't put stuff back that I'd taken out, the thousands of dollars spent on stuff cluttering up the garage and closets, neglecting boring stuff like bills and taxes. Then the inevitable depression where all that wild energy now fueled nightmarish anguish and agitated depressions. I couldn't eat a sandwich without seeing the animals led to slaughter or hearing the screams of the vegetables being pulled up. No way to live and nothing I could do about it. Lithium/lamictal have changed all that and the good news is that I've gone back to playing piano again, I've started studying dance again, riding my bike very enjoyably. I've had to get practical and realize I'm probably not going to win the Nobel prize at the same time as doing everything from quilting to sky-diving to glass blowing to... I'm sure you understand.
The good news is that now that my life has reached equilibrium my rep is slowly changing from wild and unreliable to accountable and calm, but still unique and talented. The best news is that I still have periods of mystical transport, still hear heavenly choirs, still have very real inspirations, although, as I said, now I can remember and use them instead of them being pretty mind candy that exhausted me. Dali, at least give meds a try and keep trying until they click. You can always go back to the mayhem. - Barbara
poster:Barbara Cat
thread:9730
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030723/msgs/245555.html