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Re: personal thoughts zinya

Posted by CherC68 on July 24, 2003, at 12:31:13

In reply to Re: personal thoughts CherC68, posted by zinya on July 23, 2003, at 17:55:30

Dearest Zinya,

I would never in a million years tell you to mind your own business. You have been one of my greatest sources of help during this time and I honestly have a great deal of affection and respect for you. You make me want to be better.

You may be right about the depression part of my problem - the daily stressors are becoming more and more hard for me to bear.

I do have a chemical imbalance however. I have an abnormal amount of adrenalin in my body. The fight or flight syndrome or whatever. Have you ever been so mad or in a fist fight with someone and get hit and cannot feel the pain? I have been in several fist fights growing up and unfortunately later in life too. When you are in a total fight with someone - the pain usually doesn't register when you get hit -- it sure comes later, but at the time of the fight - the pressure and the adrenalin kick in. The strength I have is extremely scary sometimes. I have actually beat up men that were over 6 feet tall - and I'm 5'3". I have that feeling over breaking a glass, spilling milk, or looking at myself in the mirror or just waking up sometimes.

I had panic attacks since I was 4 years old. I was in bed and Johnny Carson was on and it was Christmas. My parents were in the living room - and as I layed there - everything got louder - extremely loud and faster - my thoughts - at the time I thought I could feel my blood going through my veins. I tried to explain to my parents that it felt like there was a man inside my body chasing me. That was my explanation. I still remember it like yesterday.

I was diagnosed several years ago through a free program with Borderline Personality Disturbance and possible Manic Depression. I see the Borderline -- inside me I know I'm crazy, not depressed so much as nuts. Being nuts makes me depressed, knowing that I've lived 40 years mostly unhappy makes me depressed. Sometimes I am depressed for no obvious reason, which is the reason I went to the doctor in the first place, but since I had nothing really to be depressed about I mostly talked about my panic attacks. I sometimes have 3-4 a day. It's like a big 900 pound man sitting on my chest. I have bruises on my chest sometimes from where I clench my fist and rub.

I know I am obsessive compulsive about cleaning my house and brushing my teeth - I brush between 4 - 10 times a day, I think being obsessive keeps me going when truly all I want to do is sleep and never wake up. Which again is crazy.

I think the borderline is what keeps me from sticking with anything jobs, I like to change them, men - lol we'll discuss that another time - but I have Craig now and forever - and the fact I don't go to doctors, I don't like medicine of any kind and am even rationing the Xanax like its gold for when the panic attack is at its worse. Funny though, even when I cannot breath and my chest hurts so bad, I won't take a Xanax knowing that it will help me because maybe I deserve the pain? Don't know and at this time, not really caring too much, because I am sort of sick and tired of analyzing myself. I'm screwed up period, because I think I'm screwed up. This is life, its not a bad life I have - just bad things happen and I'm not a strong enough person to deal.

There are people that are abused, there are people that have "Real" problems, homeless, beaten, poor, really unhealthy and I don't have real problems except that I can't deal with things well. It's my defect.

I think that if I would stop thinking that I am depressed it will go away, if I stop thinking I have pain in my hands and my feet that would go away, if I stop thinking I had chest pains they would go away, and my brain is messed up a bit so I can't stop thinking about it.

So - for all you out there - am I Borderline or what? LOL! See I can laugh and cry in seconds - maybe I am manic - who knows.

Zinya, your thoughts are always welcome and I know you know that so that makes me feel better. I wouldn't want you thinking that what you say is not wanted by me or heard.

Love,
Cher

p.s. there are so manay posts on here, my head is rattling to remember things I want to say - very fuzzy head thoughts today.


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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030723/msgs/244881.html