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Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. Lorraine

Posted by shelliR on August 22, 2001, at 19:59:15

In reply to Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. shelliR, posted by Lorraine on August 22, 2001, at 13:12:02

Hi Lorraine.

re parnate:
> > I looked back at my notes last week, and I never felt any anti-depressant effects from parnate--but I wasn't really expecting any so fast.
> This was the entry I was talking about Shelli:
> "But, for instance, I didn't wake up depressed yesterday or today, so maybe it's having some sort of small effects, or it's just that my hormones aren't acting crazy."

wow, I don't remember that and I can't find when that was. That definitely sounds like a blip to me. Maybe I did give up too soon. But I did feel really tired and sick; I do remember that.

re commitments:
> I know what you are talking about Shelli--it's the very thing that prevents me from making a commitment to the future--making plans, deciding what to do--I have no idea whether I will be up to fullfilling the plans I make today when tomorrow comes--not until I'm stabilized. So even if someone without a mental illness takes times off for illness, I don't think it feels the same, and, you don't know how long you will be out of commission whereas the flu is a couple of days max. The uncertainty is part of it.

Exactly. I have to be vague when I say I'm sick because of that time element. Last time, I told people I was in the hospital for testing. And of course, no one asks about specifics. I do assure everyone that it's nothing serious, just that there is not a definite period of time when it will be over. Because if you keep getting stomach flus, people start thinking that you're just blowing them off.

re DID:
> > > > The wording of the DSM-IV makes it possible to fit or not fit yourself into the category if you have alters.
> I still think that you would know or feel or intuit if you were DID. Maybe the definition sucks and should include the coconscious component as a factor. I have memory gaps. Don't we all?

Well, not everyone has alters. So you already know you're different from most people. And then it does really get into what the definition of DID is. I feel that I fall on the not DID side because I feel more similar to people who don't have DID, rather than those who do. Having kids inside at this point does not disrupt my life. Depression does. And then when I say I have memory gaps, I'm talking years when I remember absolutely nothing about my family. Not normal memory gaps. I can remember school, but nothing at home. I do think the definition could have been better. And as I mentioned to Elizabeth a while back, there is one psychiatrist who broke down the diagnosis of ddnos into very specific categories. I would be co-conscious DID, which says so much more than dissociative disorder, non-specified. I think that was the way to go, rather than to make the DID category so vague as to be subjective, especially since it is somewhat of a controversial diagnosis to begin with.

re my therapist:
> > > > she knows that I felt she was was not being supportive; she sees it differently. I didn't go today, and I'm not sure about Thursday. After that I can't just keep canceling; I'll have to start again, or terminate for now.
> It seems like she views you as malingering in a sense--coming up with excuses not to do the hard work of therapy and that maybe what you need is a dose of "tough love". But sometimes we are not able to work at the job or with a therapist. I wonder if a hiatus would do you both good until you stabilize.

I'll see her tomorrow. I don't know. It is sort of sad to think that I can't connect with my therapist unless I am feeling stable. But maybe that's reality. I am feeling like she must not care about me very much. But maybe that's okay, or maybe not even true. I don't know; I just know I didn't want to be in touch with her last weekend when I was at my lowest.

> > > >I'll see how my pdoc session goes tomorrow.
> And????? Drum roll please.... What happpened?

Okay, he upped my oxycontin, rejected any consideration of trying buprenorphine ( instead of the oxy), and put me on wellbutrin.
There's a post to Jahl from last night that gives more details. My pdoc is not a fan of buprenorphine. And he's not a big fan of MAOIs because it limits his choices of combinations. I was very suicidal, so I think the increase of oxy was to keep me alive until something else (wellbutrin, maybe) kicks in. I was there for five minutes and will see him again on Thursday--tomorrow.
I can't even discribe how low I had gotten. And tt scares me to think it is not over yet. But he did seem to be in the trenches with me, at least for now.

This morning I felt stoned from the oxy, then okay with the wellbutrin, then totally crazy and hopeless. Now I am pretty calm, but untrusting that I won't feel like I *have* to die again. I'm glad that Jahl reminded me of the lability aspect of the wellbutrin, because it's enabling me to keep a minisule perspective right now. I made an appointment with someone for next week which was a crazy thing to do, (I should not be scheduling anyone that is not already scheduled before I leave on labor day) then I called back and left a message that I have to cancel (in about 500 words or more); so I am feeling off-center and very unprofessional. But at least she is off the schedule for next week.

> The truth is I hate being away from home. Vacations bother me. I don't find them relaxing. And, when I planned the trip, I wasn't sure if I could depend on my mood.

Did you used to like vacations. I mean, is this part of the depression? Do you ever just go away with your husband?

> > > > What is your eleven year old daughter like?
> She's wonderful. She has the "gift of mood"--she's upbeat, enthusiastic, bright, caring...really great. This summer she finally decided she was ready for a bra. Very big step. Lots of fun for me to watch her growing and changing. I'm hoping that her teenage years won't be too rough on us.

I hope they won't be rough on her :-)

> Well, I've been having these terrible headaches when I wake up in the morning every day. So I have a call into my doctor to see if these headaches are precursors to a spontaneous hypertensive crises. I also am having trouble sleeping. My mood support though is pretty good--not home free but good. So we'll see.

I 've only just heard about spontaneous hypertensive crises in the last week. (Of course, I've never had one). It's good to see what your doctor thinks. Have you taken your BP at home during these headaches? I'm glad you are feeling some support from the parnate.

Talk to you soon,





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