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Re: a note to S.D. (acquiring friends, etc.) » CarolAnn

Posted by S.D. on June 6, 2000, at 19:55:02

In reply to Re: a note to S.D., posted by CarolAnn on June 5, 2000, at 9:37:08

> Hi S.D., I hope you don't mind, my butting in,
but I really feel for anyone who, like me, has trouble acquiring friends. I have exactly two, after years of actively looking. Unfortunatly, all I can offer are the same old cliches; church, volunteering, special interest classes(Gourmet Cooking?
-----

They may be cliches but I'm sure they are good ideas (Though for me, it'd have to be can opener-microwave-spoon cooking instead of gourmet cooking). No doubt they are better venues for socializing than the programming and network technology classes which are the only places lately that I've been among a group of people. I think it was Woody Allen who said 80% of life is just showing up, but maybe all the good stuff is in the other 20% because my problem is the next few steps after showing up.
I've read what to do: Approach someone who appears receptive (this is a tough one and someone with SAD is going to worry too much about determining whether someone is indicating receptiveness); ask ritualistic questions or questions based on the situation; follow up with open-ended questions; follow up on "free information" that the other person reveals when responding to you; reveal free information about yourself. Later (when??), offer an invitation that is likely to be accepted.

BTW the foregoing is a goodly chunk of the essence of "Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner, a very worthy book on this topic even though it is not specifically written for those of us with severe social anxiety.

So I know what the professionals say to do, but I've not been able to. And so what happens is I may have a couple superficial conversations with someone and it never goes beyond that. Strangely I think dating is in a way easier (if I can get a woman to accept in the first place) because it is normal for dates to be accepted without the parties knowing each other much, and because the rituals are so well established that you can be more sure of what you are supposed to do.

peace and health,

S.D.


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