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Re: Daughter's inapropriate sexual behavior

Posted by Adam on October 26, 1999, at 23:46:51

In reply to Daughter's inapropriate sexual behavior, posted by Gigi on October 20, 1999, at 8:29:02

Elizabeth, I so love reading your posts sometimes that I forget how much sarcasm never got me
anywhere with anybody unless they knew me well. But you can rip into me now, if you like, I'm
fairly immune!

Anyway, I generally agree with what you have said. I find it interesting that a 14-year old girl
would be so caught up with the whole cybersex thing. But this is surely just a sign of my ignorance
of the workings of the mind of a 14-year old girl. If the internet were as well-developed as it
is now when I was that age, and I had access, oh my goodness, heaven only knows what the unfocused
hornyness one experiences at that age would have brought me to.

I'm sure after my parents found me helplessly transfixed by some god-awful porn site they would
have wanted to get my head examined, or, well, actually, they probably just would have punished me
and made me feel like a filthy little pervert, and the best I could hope for would be, at some much
later date, lame attempts at humor centering around hairy palms and blindness. Which, of course,
would have been no help at all.

I'm sure you mean well, Gigi, and your concern is admirable. You are protective of your daughter,
and you mean well, I'm sure. But I think it's true: the most dangerous message she might get at
this point is that she's sick and/or a victim. That possibly her first "sexual" encounter lead to
the involvment of law inforcement and psychoanalysis might give her just that impression. That you
could find her behavior so shocking and embarassing (concerns about the community, your daughter
being labeled a slut perhaps) is not so suprising given the generation gap. But let's face it, it's
the end of the 90s and sex is just plain everywhere. The 60s were nothing compared to this. Back
then it was counterculture, these days its so ingrained you can't sell toothpaste practically without
the promise it will induce involuntary orgasms in anyone who draws near the user. It's an incredible
world now.

You may just want to get her to trust you so she can discuss sex openly and learn to deal with the
difference between fantasy and reality. Of course she'll try to sneak around you with stuff like
this, because she's embarassed! I think a certain amount of obsession at that age is pretty normal.
Damned if I could figure out my sister's fixation with New Kids on the Block, and it seemed pretty
sick to me at the time, but she got over it on her own. If I had tried to force good musical taste
or a sense of shame on her I sure I would have just alienated her from punk and 80s alt rock (which
inexplicably gave my parents white hairs) and created an incurable philistine.

OK, this is meant as pure Horatian satire here. I think your daughter is probably OK. Maybe a
little precocious, but it sounds like this is true of her in general. Of course you should
discourage her from getting involved in things she is not mature enough to handle yet (though what
she CAN handle at this point might suprise you). But she's got to be able to know she can talk
about sex with you or she will sneak around and she might get into some kind of trouble down the
road. Are you substituting therapy for frank and open-minded discussion?

> I have a beautiful, extremely artistically talented 14 y-o daughter. My problem started last year with an internet affair between "Jane" and an 18 yo male. It developed into an obsession and included alot of sexual verbal contact. To make a long story short, we had the police involved and ended up taking her to therapy for a while. She seemed to be okay and we stopped the therapy (she refused to go anymore saying she was fine), It took a long time to get our trust level back and I thought things were fine. She was off the internet completely for a while, but she was eventually allowed to go back with supervision. I discovered the other day a letter she had written that was very explicit. She is the type of child who is afraid to leave my side, but is another person when on the computer. My problem/question is, where could this have come from. No one in my family has ever been like this and I don't know how to handle the situation. Do I take her back to therapy, I would really like to know why she feels she has to degrade herself like this. You have to understand that my husband is a very prominant physician in a fairly small town-he also is in complete denial that anything is wrong. This is not something that I want anyone here to know about. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks Gigi




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