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Re: Tangents, NPBR

Posted by David K. on January 20, 1999, at 5:28:16

In reply to Re: Tangents, NPBR , posted by Shirley on January 19, 1999, at 23:18:59

I wonder about the suicidal feelings being "burned into my brain" as well. When the antidepressants kicked in, the first thing I noticed was that my suicidal thoughts wouldn't "stick." I used to just obsess on them and run them over and over and over (I used to imagine a groove running down the middle of my brain.) But when I couldn't "stay in the groove" suddenly, I felt profoundly uncomfortable. At night I'd even TRY to obsess about it, but it wasn't the same.
I miss it, in a strange way, but I've also developed a way of DELIBERATELY thinking about suicide... it's not MANDATORY, like it was, but I do it anyway. I imagine it's like an addiction... I heard that addicts' brains actually undergo changes ... maybe my brain did, too, from so many years of being screwed up.
Jeez ... now it's making me sad thinking that I'll be suicidal for the rest of my life...
Anyway, I certainly relate to that "everything is an opportunity" thing. A package came into work for the Lab, and was marked "tubing kit." I thought, "Hmm... I wonder if I hooked it to the exhaust pipe of my car...." Train tracks, too, are a temptation (although not REALLY... the WORST place to do it is a train station, actually, because the train is slowing down. Speed is key here! Plus, I've read stuff about how it traumatizes the drivers.)
I'd count all the times suicide crosses my mind today, but I have work to do at work, and I'd be making my list the entire day instead.
(All things considered, though, I don't think I'm anywhere NEAR actually "doing it." But I'll let you know if/when I am!)

Also, in New Jersey we've got some good cemetaries. There's a small one on my way to work that dates back to the Revolutionary War ... so there's some really old, worn headstones. They're really tall and really thin, so some of them are broken. But it's pretty neat, historically and morbidly. (When I was in Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts or something we went there to do grave rubbings ... you know, get the image of the headstone onto paper. Not rub against the grave. That's a whole different psychiatric issue.)

P.S.: I betcha my Jack-of-all-trades thing has to do with a need to be all things to all people, too.




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