![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 32. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 14:01:54
I want to die.
Called crisis. No beds this day.
Why do only 3 peeps here love me?
I have no IRL love.
I know this is my reason for my intention.
5f
Posted by ClearSkies on February 21, 2008, at 14:14:41
In reply to I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 14:01:54
5F, can you call your pdoc for this emergency? Crisis lines no good in a crisis :-( Otherwise, go to emergency room for crisis care now!
So sorry that you're feeling this badly.
CS
Posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 14:41:30
In reply to I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 14:01:54
Did something happen to trigger this? Or is it out of the blue? I agree with ClearSkies -- this sounds like a time for calling your own doctor or going to the emergency room. (Often the crisis beds are filled through the emergency room, rather than through the crisis lines. Sad system, but I don't know that there's any easy fix for it.)
I suspect that more than three people love you, that sounds like me when I'm depressed -- the depression talking, telling me things that just feed the depression.
I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I sometimes picture my depression as being like a parasitic entity -- it has to feed itself, to stay alive, and it fights hard to stay alive. When I start that negative self-talk that leaves me feeling pathetic and contemptible, I remind myself that it's just the Black Beast trying to protect itself. Sometimes, that helps me counter the habitual negative thoughts, which eventually leaves me feeling a bit better.
Could you think of some things you could do that might help you right now? When I get to feeling as though I'm unloved, unlovable, and generally tired of this life, I do try to find some things to do to take care of myself, and they often are helpful. Even if I don't actually feel better, often I have been distracted for a long enough while to get a break from the distress. Here are some of the things I do, that I have found helpful. They might offer you some ideas that might help you.
1. I read. Often I can escape into a fantasy novel, or a children's book, or just any sort of potato chip book. (Potato Chip Book -- no nutritional value, but you can't eat just one.) In fact, if I'm reading in a certain kind of way -- escapist reading, I call it -- it's often a clue to me that I'm experiencing increased depression...
2. I sit in front of the TV and knit. The less brain work it involves, the better. Reruns of Law & Order? You betcha! Hours at a time...
3. Sometimes I just lie down on the sofa, pull a quilt over my head, and doze. Or turn on the TV and watch by sticking my face out from under the quilt. My cocoon -- I sometimes say I'm pupating in there...
4. Since I often experience this sort of thing because I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do, I make lists of things to do, and just try to do them. I usually limit it to three things per day, but I get a certain satisfaction from getting them done.
5. I dive into the internet -- search YouTube for Alison Moyet videos; read about something on Wikipedia, which often leads to six other articles, and I look up to find hours have passed. Read through the archives at The Straight Dope. Organize and update my wish lists at Amazon. Look at all the ads for spinning wheels on Ebay. Check out used car listings, or used bookstores, or other shopping sites. (Zappos.com is a major time-sink for me...) Again -- it doesn't actually help, but it sure works to distract me...
And I post here, but that goes without saying. And that's something you've already done.
NB: I don't mean to sound cold, if I do. I don't think I have much talent for conveying any sort of warmth in my writing, but it doesn't mean I don't care how bad others are feeling. I am truly trying to help.
Posted by Kath on February 21, 2008, at 16:02:51
In reply to I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 14:01:54
I am so very sorry that you're feeling so awful Fivefires.
I don't think you deserve to be in such emotional pain. I've always seen you as a caring & loving person. It's hard when bad feelings happen to nice people.
I feel very helpless & wish there was something I could say to help. CS & R had good suggestions, I think.
Sometimes when I feel horrible, I hold the TAT pose shown clearly at the site below. Hold the pose for 4 minutes being aware of how you feel & having the gentle intention to not feel that badly. Sometimes it's helped me feel better when I feel dreadful.
I hope you try it FF & if you do, I hope it helps. You can guage how you feel on a scale of 1 - 10 first if you want...say you're at a 10. Do the pose for 4 minutes, see what number you're at, say it's gone down to an 8, & keep repeating 'til you've got it down as far as it will go. You can always try it again in a while.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KRXdQNA3aEk
It's one of my emergency measures.
I am keeping you in my thoughts & sending you golden light - imagining it warmly & gently enveloping you.
You matter to me. love, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 19:04:03
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by ClearSkies on February 21, 2008, at 14:14:41
> 5F, can you call your pdoc for this emergency? Crisis lines no good in a crisis :-( Otherwise, go to emergency room for crisis care now!>
ClearSkies the ERs here are 6hr waits after you're signed in. I CANNOT, truly CANNOT go w/o a cigarette for that long. The last time I tried this route, by the time the psych person arrived to talk to me, I was crying hysterically and the only thing I wanted was to get the heck out of there, or any institution that makes no arrangements for smokers, thereby fearing going inpatient anywhere. Think I even told the clinician 'not suicidal' just to rush it! I'm sorry if you or anyone here feel disappointed in me or think I'm a wimp because I'm a smoker who can't quit (I've tried x3-4 and hit the 3mo mark and failed.), but to go w/o them at this time, (Im a nervous wreck!) I cannot do. No; w/o my cigarettes, think my nerves would just hop out of my body and run away from me!
Last eve a diff' crisis person said pack your bags, go to the center you prefer (I won't state it here, but it is a good one, and there are provisions in place for people with physical dxs like back injuries.) and just walk in there. She might be right about this approach.
I feel no incoming love in life, scared about relocating, hadn't seen sig-other for over week and he was here night b4 last and doing that head bobbing falling asleep thing; like a person who was 'coming down'. I said go Wal-F*rt, get drug kit, and prove not mania and he said no $. Scared me so made him leave, locked up, & put door under lock. W/o him, Im all alone. Is he using or is he manic o_o. Why do they charge nearly $30 for drug test kits? Peeps would benefit very much from having access to these. I'm so poor, just a few bucks to last another week this month. I can't ditch the cigs (Mother hassles me constantly about this!), but do get discount.
I want to work so badly. Past employers are unaware of the attacks by ex, so don't understand when called in sick 'cuz ashamed or had bruises' = issue #1, unreliable. Large company bought a lot of hospitals, so the three I worked for share employee files w/ now most metro hospitals.
I contacted an attorney yest. Would like statement w/ records and witnesses of abuse included in employment files so as to account for issue of absences. Do u think good idea?Then tho', employers are becoming less apt to hire any1 w/ a MH dx after so much tragedy re: colleges/universities/workplaces.
I can't make it anymore on such little SSD & 10bucks food stamps a month. In my housing program, no one can live w/ me but a fam member, husb, person have had a child w/, or am married to = issue #2. Poor and lonely. No one in my FOO will help. Sig-other rec'd felony which disqualifies him from being in program, so if married, I'd lose it.
My head was held in the hands of a woman and beaten bloody on a cement floor (seemed like 4ever) a few mos. b4 I got a great job. After 6days employer said 'we have to let u go as your memory's (issue #3) not good enuf'. Should have I told them of this incident?
Then got a sort of retail job. In couple wks employer said 'we're letting you go because your hands shake too much'. (Not so bad now; hypothesize due to trazodone used then; less tremor now w/o it.)
B4 these insults, I worked long time 4 good employer. By 3rd year, my injury sustained from abuse consistently worsened until only a narcotic made it tolerable. Well, this lead to awful digestion/elimination probs' = issue #4. Had to be @ work by 545a & body wasn't awake. If allowed 45m breaks (right!) in a.m., maybe I'd found relief, instead FOS and had to leave work. Need surg.
My work had 2be perfect enuf' 2b taken into a court of law. Butt, now, I'm looking @ a my typing and questioning, i.e., 'spelling looks odd' 'comma placement proper?' 'hyphenation necessary?'. So, issue #5, cognitive impairment due to narcs.
Oh, and then theres #6, dx of PTSD.
> So sorry that you're feeling this badly.>
I know you care. Why do so many others I've spoken w/ here for all these years just sort of pass me by when I post? Do they not wonder why I want to die? I mean, do they think I'm just 'crying wolf'? Dunno. I'm not. I'm not psychotic. Im not in a black hole. It would be a rational move. Think would be best for all fam who ignore my pleas for help. I know you care though.
ClearSkies I may have TRD. Pdoc doesnt want me on one. I don't want to fall into any black holes or anything, but why, why isn't there something that will work for me? Provigil helps, but I can't afford the amount it takes to keep me going.
Pls babble or use babble feature when time. Would like to hear what you think. Sorry 2long.
> CS
maybethisishell;butno,uwouldn'tbherethen, 5f
Posted by ClearSkies on February 21, 2008, at 20:35:20
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 19:04:03
Hope you don't think this is a silly suggestion, but what how using a nicotine patch or gum so you can get through an ER eternal wait? Would that make it bearable? I certainly don't think it's unreasonable, for someone who smokes regularly, to have to feed that particular habit; but maybe you can plan for the necessary smoke-free environment of the hospital.
I just don't want you to feel that there aren't any options - sometimes you have to get creative, and that's why you have friends here. To suggest kooky things to you.
(((((5F))))) I'm pulling for you, friend.
Posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2008, at 21:47:36
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger* » Fivefires, posted by ClearSkies on February 21, 2008, at 20:35:20
FF when did this start know you've been not to happy with pdoc but seriously do think you need an antidepressant does he know how you really feel. Don't let smoking keep you from getting help lots of times someone can take you outside for a smoke. Please feel better we'll heal together. Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 22, 2008, at 16:43:58
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2008, at 21:47:36
((((((fivef)))))))))
I'm sorry that I haven't been on psychobabble much lately. It sounds like you need all the support and gentle hugs that we can offer.CS is a wise and wonderful woman- nicotine patch might be just the trick to survive a 6 hour wait. Fridays are bad at the ER though. you've got that right.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of remembering, in putting together this narrative of abuse history. That is likely to stir up all the horrible feelings and then some. Please be careful. you don't need to do everything overnight. Do you have a T/pdoc/social worker to help you process all of the memories that may be triggered?
((((((((((((((((fivefires))))))))))))))))))))))
please take good care of yourself. you've made it this far, you can make it through the 6 hours it takes for an admission
ll
Posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 16:57:15
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 19:04:03
Hi Sweetie,
Lots of good thoughts from others.
What a lot of things you have to deal with FF.
At our hospital, the only people in the psych ward who can't go out for a smoke are those who've been admitted because of being suicidal. They are in a room until the staff see how they're doing.
In the other part, people can go out periodically for smoking.
I think Llurpsie Noodle is right in that maybe this isn't the time to try to figure out all that stuff, which is SO stressful.
We care about you & you know, there isn't as much activity here as there has sometimes been in the past, so don't necessarily take it personally as to people not replying to your post.
Also, sometimes people are having a really hard time themselves & just don't know what to say, or just don't have the emotional energy to reach out to someone.
love, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on February 22, 2008, at 20:47:46
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 22, 2008, at 16:43:58
> ((((((fivef)))))))))
Lurp'
> I'm sorry that I haven't been on psychobabble much lately. It sounds like you need all the support and gentle hugs that we can offer.
>I, as well, haven't been on babble enuf' and need it now.
> CS is a wise and wonderful woman
Yes she is.
>- nicotine patch might be just the trick to survive a 6 hour wait.>
Never tried one, but, believe it or not, I have one in my purse ICOE.
> Fridays are bad at the ER though. you've got that right.>
These women came over and will get back in touch w/ me Mon. They mentioned the prior re: weekends as well.
> It sounds like you are doing a lot of remembering, in putting together this narrative of abuse history. That is likely to stir up all the horrible feelings and then some. Please be careful. you don't need to do everything overnight. Do you have a T/pdoc/social worker to help you process all of the memories that may be triggered?>
This is strange L.
I must have *accidentally deleted posts after ClearSkies and b4 yours*. Sorry all.
No L. Never had anyone to really 'process these memories with'. All Ts want me to push it back, away, and replace it w/ thoughts, mantras, or skills, and I don't think it works or has worked for me. I had 8mos of DBT. Suppose CBT similar.
As moving, will be getting new therapist.
Wonder if I could find one that would treat me 'the old-fashioned way'; let me get it out. Society doesn't let me; fam' doesn't let me. I believe this kind of therapy has a name or names.(?) Maybe Gestalt, but that's just a guess.
I could cry an ocean. There's so much feeling bad in me that I can barely breathe sometimes. If can't get it out, I'll become a bitter and angry person, or, maybe that is me now.(?)
TY for saying 'process'.
I know you are not telling me what I need. I mean, whatever I do, I take responsibility for, and maybe you even disagree w/ this the type of therapy 'I think might need'. It's the old-fashioned therapy; I've thought of this b4.
Do you or any1 think this may be just what I need, and can any1 give me the proper term for this kind of therapy?
> ((((((((((((((((fivefires))))))))))))))))))))))
>
> please take good care of yourself. you've made it this far, you can make it through the 6 hours it takes for an admission
>I missed my doc appt this a.m. (pcp) as having horrible stomach/digestion probs probably from the stress. I told my daughter how I was feeling and I'm sure she'll call again tonight, tho' has plenty to deal w/ herself.
I was online earlier responding to some fam' emails and didn't see any posts; thought maybe I'd erred in responding to ClearSkies.
I'm sure it was prob' me doing something wrong.
Last eve' b4 logged off I spilled an entire can of pepsi in and on my desk; all supplies. Cleaned out the two drawers and everything in them. Now for the carpet. I guess I was lucky not to have hit the keyboard, printer, or pute, awa my cell phone which was sitting right here.
Pls bear (Okay. Here's an example of my cognitive troubles. Knowing whether to use 'bare' or 'bear' would have been a cinch, but I'm looking at it now and I'm not sure. I can't transc*ibe if do such things.) with me here, as responding to just one person seems to take all my energy. I am so sorry I missed you all in the middle and I will get to your responses of course, but pls be patient w/ me. It's not that I don't want to say so much to u all right now; it's that I just can't.
If u would please, any1, help me not to break the 3-post rule, if it seems you sense me needing to respond to another post. That would be nice.
> ll
I've missed u; good to see you again.
((((ll))))
5f
Posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 21:51:20
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 22, 2008, at 20:47:46
> These women came over and will get back in touch w/ me Mon. They mentioned the prior re: weekends as well.
******What women FF? I'm glad you have someone involved with you.****
> This is strange L.
>
> I must have *accidentally deleted posts after ClearSkies and b4 yours*. Sorry all.*******FF - I don't know what you mean. I didn't think we could delete posts.***
>
> No L. Never had anyone to really 'process these memories with'. All Ts want me to push it back, away, and replace it w/ thoughts, mantras, or skills, and I don't think it works or has worked for me. I had 8mos of DBT. Suppose CBT similar.****I've had this problem also with more than one T. I became a patient of the head of psychiatry at the local hospital & he pretty-well said, 'well, that's all in the past; we don't want to dwell on that' etc. Finally, I've found
a doctor who offers group therapy. She explained that while she doesn't suggest dwelling on events of the past, she thinks it's healthy to look at an event & look at how it might be affecting us NOW. To me, that makes total sense. Also a trama-free way of dealing with PAST trauma is the TAT hold. As far as I know there's a little video of a helicopter pilot telling how TAT helped him easily release the traumatic feelings of a helicopter crash he was in, where he was trapped & was sure he was going to die. The link for that (I believe) is www.tatlife.com ****> As moving, will be getting new therapist.
>
> Wonder if I could find one that would treat me 'the old-fashioned way'; let me get it out. Society doesn't let me; fam' doesn't let me. I believe this kind of therapy has a name or names.(?) Maybe Gestalt, but that's just a guess.*****see above mention of link. ******
>
> I could cry an ocean. There's so much feeling bad in me that I can barely breathe sometimes. If can't get it out, I'll become a bitter and angry person, or, maybe that is me now.(?)******I've found this helps me sometimes. I'm right-handed. So with my left hand, & colourful markers, I let my 'inner child' draw stuff that she likes. Often it's butterflies. Lately it's her being hugged by angels! Whatever 'she' wants to draw, she draws! I usually feel amazingly lighter after.********
> Do you or any1 think this may be just what I need, and can any1 give me the proper term for this kind of therapy?
****I don't know what it's called. I think we all need to 'tell our story'. I would urge you, when you have the energy to find a women's shelter. I bet they would be able to suggest some resources for you. I think you need to tell your abuse story in a safe place. SAFE, being the operational word. I suspect an abused-women's shelter might even have groups you could attend. It'd be worth a try. If you don't know where one is, a phonecall to the hospital or police station might help.*****
> I missed my doc appt this a.m. (pcp) as having horrible stomach/digestion probs probably from the stress. I told my daughter how I was feeling and I'm sure she'll call again tonight, tho' has plenty to deal w/ herself.****Hope she's able to call you FF.****
> I was online earlier responding to some fam' emails and didn't see any posts; thought maybe I'd erred in responding to ClearSkies.
>
> I'm sure it was prob' me doing something wrong.*****Not sure what you mean by the above, but as I said before, it's not that busy here, so don't take it personally if there aren't replies FF.***
>
> Last eve' b4 logged off I spilled an entire can of pepsi in and on my desk; all supplies. Cleaned out the two drawers and everything in them. Now for the carpet. I guess I was lucky not to have hit the keyboard, printer, or pute, awa my cell phone which was sitting right here.*****Glad it didn't hit your keyboard!!! Sounds like an overwhelming thing to happen****
******Don't worry about answering everyone. And as to the 3-post rule....it's my understand that that means we can't start more than 3 'threads' IN A ROW. I understand that we can reply to more than 3 posts within a thread. I hope I understood this correctly when I asked Deputy Dinah about it recently.You're in my thoughts, FF, hugs, Kath
Posted by R. -T. V. 52y on February 24, 2008, at 13:26:06
In reply to I want to die *trigger*, posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 14:01:54
Hi there, listen:
when i was "in there" for the first time long ago, and was going home for the first weekend i asked what i could do,
i was told:
anything but suicide,
you can do just anything but not kill yourself, that's forbidden,
and i promised and kept my promise, and now i'm quite ok,
UC, there is a division of labor between me and my God,
and the most important things belonging to Him and only Him
are 1. my birth and 2 my death
there is always a little bit of hope, and you have got friends, in USA, EU-cuontries and elsewhere
have a nice spring and summer,
Richie
Finland, EU
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 24, 2008, at 19:27:51
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by R. -T. V. 52y on February 24, 2008, at 13:26:06
hi 5f,
I think the type of therapy you're looking for is psychodynamic talk therapy. there are a lot of therapists out there who love to hear their clients talk. sounds like you got lots to talk about too.how are you doing today? I hope you stayed safe this weekend. be gentle with yourself. lots of folks care about you around these parts.
-Ll
Posted by Kath on February 24, 2008, at 20:38:01
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 24, 2008, at 19:27:51
Want you to know you're in my thoughts.
luv, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on February 24, 2008, at 22:02:13
In reply to How are ya doing FF?, posted by Kath on February 24, 2008, at 20:38:01
To all of u:
It's negligent to not respond till now but I've had a horrid last few days and not been able to do so. I've not read past ll yet Kath and all, but intend to do so sooner than later, literally.
I c pcp 2moro. Scandisk w/ a lot of info missing; like having your diary missing. I can barely keep my mind on anything else. It might even jeopardize my identity. A lot of passwords will need be changed. Looking since Thur or Fri I think, not long after I posted this, as I wanted to download some more docs to it.
Pls don't be angry w/ me for letting u worry, though I would understand.
I also 'hid' some $ and can't remember where hid it, just like scandisk. Think increase in Xan*x may be culprit to memory problems.
The few peeps I've had interractions w/ since posted response to ll 'misunderstood me' in some way; a two sentence exchange, a plan scenario; every time sending me deeper into this desperation. Could upcoming mood possibly b this overwhelming, I wonder.
I have another reason for this absence; awakening w/ breakthrough pain yesterday morning and still it is lingering. Over a theramacar* wrap which is warm I have a cold gel wrap. Seems too much heat or too much cold makes pain worse. Pills aren't seeing me through this either.
2moro pdoc appt. It's not until 1p so maybe I can read here b4 go. I have printed out a website for people who are having trouble finding a pain management doctor and am hoping he will go to it and see if there is anyone he recognizes. There was a big ad in the paper about one in suburb just south but as usual, don't take my med adv plan.
It's a stormy night out there. I broke up w/ sig-other of 13yrs, and am determined to make this time stick. Might be ez becuz said horrid things I'd never known thought of me.
couldn'tmakeitw/ou, 5f
and: I almost forgot to check Email: notify of later followups (That's a noun I think.) to this thread, obviously what I did after responding to CS :(
Posted by Kath on February 25, 2008, at 16:24:11
In reply to Re: How are ya doing FF?, posted by Fivefires on February 24, 2008, at 22:02:13
Hi FF - glad to hear from you.
I'm hoping things turn for the better for you.
Best of luck with your breakup. Sounds like you're trying really hard to take good care of yourself. I found it very hard to let go of a previous relationship about 17 years ago. It is NOT an easy thing to do. Good for you, for taking this step in your self-care.
I send warm thoughts & hugs, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on February 27, 2008, at 12:42:03
In reply to I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today » Fivefires, posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 14:41:30
Hi Racer.
W/ good intentions, I sat down to read the follow-ups to my post this morning.
But, then, my ISP wasn't working and I couldn't get in. So I sat here waiting for it and waiting for the plumber that was supposed to be here 2hrs ago.
Then, I finally got in (online), and up pops an alert from my bank .. an alert of 'insufficient funds'! :(
It seems nothing good is happening around me; everything negative. I've been trying my hardest to keep up w/ a lot of paperwork involving moving, bills (I checked billpay a week ago and I could swear there were none scheduled to be taken from my account, but, somehow there was one.), collecting boxes, tape, labels for packing up for the move, returning calls, just sort of activies of daily living. I've been using every bit of energy I have just to focus on the need I think my children have for me to be here, and, therefore, do what I can of 'a lot of things to do', each day.
A couple days ago a man (sig-other of mo*her) yelled at me and said 'I'm not gonna play your game'. It came out of left field. I still am not sure what happened. :(
They went to Mex for a few days. I'd thought so highly of him until this happened and felt good about him w/ her. Now, I don't want him to come back!
Just got an email from the daughter that usually helps me out when in trouble and she's broke and can't help me w/ my 'insuff funds'! :(
I was actually feeling a bit better this a.m., wanting to get online and talk w/ you all, but then the prior issues pushed me back down.
I'm overwhelmed and it feels like I'm trying to crawl out of hell. I just want to sleep and not think about it.
Yesterday PCP said 'You've never going to get surgery' (c-spine injury) and prescribed an additional narc a day, that will only further my poor cognition. It's that, or lie in pain all day.
The staff won't do the work to find a pain management doc. I've always done it in the past, and will have to continue the search.
I saw my therapist yesterday and she knows how I am feeling, but didn't make any effort to find a place for me to stay.
I think I need to read your post again tomorrow or maybe later today, and respond to your suggestions. They are good ones, and all I've done here is whine away.
I don't think I'll give up; it's not my nature, ... but 'it feels like I'm being pushed in that direction'.
tks4bareing(stillalittlehumor)w/me Racer, 5f
and: Pls don't go away, any of you. Tho' I've been a poor responder, I need you all very much.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 28, 2008, at 7:51:13
In reply to Re: I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today, posted by Fivefires on February 27, 2008, at 12:42:03
whoA!
I had no idea that you had SO MUCH going on in your life right now. Stress can push us all into that pit of despair. Please take just a moment today and do something nice for yourself. make yourself a wonderful cup of tea or coffee and just sit, because you deserve a little peace.thanks for the update. you are a very brave woman. I'm sorry things are so bad right now
-Ll
Posted by Fivefires on February 28, 2008, at 14:19:00
In reply to I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today » Fivefires, posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 14:41:30
> Did something happen to trigger this? Or is it out of the blue? I agree with ClearSkies -- this sounds like a time for calling your own doctor or going to the emergency room. (Often the crisis beds are filled through the emergency room, rather than through the crisis lines. Sad system, but I don't know that there's any easy fix for it.)
>
> I suspect that more than three people love you, that sounds like me when I'm depressed -- the depression talking, telling me things that just feed the depression.
>
> I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I sometimes picture my depression as being like a parasitic entity -- it has to feed itself, to stay alive, and it fights hard to stay alive. When I start that negative self-talk that leaves me feeling pathetic and contemptible, I remind myself that it's just the Black Beast trying to protect itself. Sometimes, that helps me counter the habitual negative thoughts, which eventually leaves me feeling a bit better.
>It's too strong, this Beast, for me to talk my way out of or think my way out of.
> Could you think of some things you could do that might help you right now? When I get to feeling as though I'm unloved, unlovable, and generally tired of this life, I do try to find some things to do to take care of myself, and they often are helpful. Even if I don't actually feel better, often I have been distracted for a long enough while to get a break from the distress. Here are some of the things I do, that I have found helpful. They might offer you some ideas that might help you.
>
> 1. I read. Often I can escape into a fantasy novel, or a children's book, or just any sort of potato chip book. (Potato Chip Book -- no nutritional value, but you can't eat just one.) In fact, if I'm reading in a certain kind of way -- escapist reading, I call it -- it's often a clue to me that I'm experiencing increased depression...
>No strength to concentrate.
> 2. I sit in front of the TV and knit. The less brain work it involves, the better. Reruns of Law & Order? You betcha! Hours at a time...
>Can't focus. Keep hitting rewind until finally just shut it off.
> 3. Sometimes I just lie down on the sofa, pull a quilt over my head, and doze. Or turn on the TV and watch by sticking my face out from under the quilt. My cocoon -- I sometimes say I'm pupating in there...
>The only comfort I can manage to give myself is wrapping myself in my father's throw blanket ... I feel loved in there.
> 4. Since I often experience this sort of thing because I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do, I make lists of things to do, and just try to do them. I usually limit it to three things per day, but I get a certain satisfaction from getting them done.
>I'm exhausted and wasted R. The 'give up' feeling is only stopped by thinking of my three children and their sorrow or the example I would set. So, w/ this exhaustion (I can't take Provigil constantly.) and loss of love of life, I am truly unable to pull myself out of it or away from it.
> 5. I dive into the internet -- search YouTube for Alison Moyet videos; read about something on Wikipedia, which often leads to six other articles, and I look up to find hours have passed. Read through the archives at The Straight Dope. Organize and update my wish lists at Amazon. Look at all the ads for spinning wheels on Ebay. Check out used car listings, or used bookstores, or other shopping sites. (Zappos.com is a major time-sink for me...) Again -- it doesn't actually help, but it sure works to distract me...
>The prior sounds like me a few years ago. Bad things have piled up on me since that time and rendered me uninterested and w/o the ability to care that I am truly in a very unhealthy state.
> And I post here, but that goes without saying. And that's something you've already done.
>
> NB: I don't mean to sound cold, if I do.Oh no .. you don't sound cold at all. I think maybe I've just gotten into something very deep here and maybe trying to reach me isn't working. All your ideas are perfectly good ones for those w/ the bit of energy to do them.
> I don't think I have much talent for conveying any sort of warmth in my writing, but it doesn't mean I don't care how bad others are feeling. I am truly trying to help.>
I all already sensed that about you long ago :)
To any1 else I've not yet responded, I'm can find no better word than to say 'I'm *frozen* in this.
Provigil helps but I only take it if needed.
Some of you may know about the private articles (diary, letters to children, stories of my life, and other things) that are missing from my home and have thoughts about where they are. Have found my car unlocked several times I've gone downstairs to unlock it. Feel someone is messing w/ me; no, not imagining, not paranoid; rational.
I can barely move right now. I sit here for 30 seconds w/ my fingers restng on the keyboard thinking of what I need to say and keep drawing a blank and then something seems appropriate.
Will move on to next friend asap.
tkgdorwhateverorwhomeverweworship 4u all, 5f
Posted by Fivefires on February 28, 2008, at 15:21:24
In reply to I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today » Fivefires, posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 14:41:30
To R & All above and below:
I was just told, by the leading chain of medical facilities in this metropolis, 'all beds are full', and 'all beds have been full for about 3 years!'
Said maybe I should call the governor or the sheriff.
I called the office of Jo* Ar*aiao to relay this to him. Maybe you've heard of him.(?)
Someone pls contact me via babble feature if can offer suggestion should he return my phone call.
Still dial-up so logging off for a few.
5f
Posted by Kath on February 28, 2008, at 17:56:22
In reply to Re: I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today, posted by Fivefires on February 28, 2008, at 15:21:24
Hi FF -
please don't feel you need to reply to me.
I hear how hard it is for you. I don't want to give you any extra stress.
I don't know who that is you mentioned, but I'd say call ANYone. What about a newspaper?
I dunno; that might feel too scarey.
I love you & care about you.
love, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on February 29, 2008, at 18:13:25
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2008, at 21:47:36
In my thoughts before bed last night everything 'came to a head' Phillipa, and all.
I spent the day calling every facility in this metro which allows smoking and, you guessed it, there were no beds. One even said they'd not had a bed for 3yrs. Did I tell you already made a call to the *heriff's office and left a message re: this? Prob' should have called mayo* or go*ernor, both here. This is not a good thing, an embarrassment for this coun*ry.
Part of my intent re: being inpatient was to get a fresh assessment and maybe try an AD or combo while inpatient where I could be supported.
But, the deal here is, you must relay you are not just feeling suicidal, but you are, and you have a plan.
I was nearly ready to tell a little white lie, but no beds is no beds.
Yes Phillipa, I most likely am 'very depressed'. You might all realize I don't like to be labeled w/ this generalization. One AD had been successful in past; maybe it could be again but several trys in last three years very bad and can only speculate why.
It's partly my fault current pdoc does not realize the depth of my depression. My fear of a repeat 'CNS breakdown' (I'm making up my own words now.) had to be addressed first, as had it not been caught and stopped by Valium, I'd be doing more than lying in my corner; I'd be sitting in it drooling bread crumbs!
W/o taking away from my anxiety support, I will re-approach a focus on my depression (Did I mention don't like this word?) @ exit appt current pdoc and of course w/ new pdoc. Maybe there is a cocktail (Don't like that word much either.) which would work. I've only ever been on monotherapy. I do take Provigi* but only as needed and I'm thinking my body isn't liking this coming and going of this med. Maybe a steady level of it should be in my body at all times.
Did someone say it had been approved for further mental health dxs or did I just dream this? I'm getting it only beca*se samples are available. Is this where I get dopamine?
So yes, I am open to try something again, once moved and somewhat situated. It would be best if I had someone w/ me for support through trials, but what's a wild and crazy girl gonna' do?
D*ughter and husband are being very supportive (phone conversations), awa other children, in their limited ways; all very busy. Two of three work in the town to which I am moving.
Last night, text'd my daughter - scared alone, sad love lost, money probs', feel burden but not know how change, *cannot end life; not my call*, fear and sadness = poor health and question ability to move. Ended saying, need talk.
She called me and offered reassurance and understanding. She even spoke of things I will actually be doing for them by making his move.
Just faxed no*ice to va*ate last day of next month. Feels like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Decision made and moving forward.
The most important thing I've come to truly believe lately is that ending my life is not my call. I can't explain it, but it seems like I finally see this is something *I have to believe*. I suspect the consequences would be much worse than my life now.
I'm definitely in a bleak, dark place, and have pretty much bottomed-out here, going further and further down since my father passed away 4yrs ago.
I retract any negatives I've spoken re: my T and say 'a good one'. Gave me some pointers: Seek therapist well-versed in PTSD and grief, don't try employment until maybe Fall, ICM no good w/ illicit drug habit and priorities himself & others who aren't me, get out or even walk to 'drum night' or 'gallery night' or free events blks away, don't be too forthcoming w/ personal info when meet new peeps as not their business what I do for a living or why there, simply be friendly but w/ boundaries.
I'm trying to convey my thoughts/plans here and apologize if garbled or out of order. I owe you all so much. I'm not ez to put up with, but I have a feeling you all understand it is not my intention to ever play games here.
Oh, a thought became clear - as there have been wonderful times which lasted years in my life, so too are, I guess, these dark times which may last years as well. I cannot know the dark times won't leave or lessen, as did the good. I think *I have to believe* they most likely will.
Most diff' will be not reaching out for ICM, really only friend (I know.) in every way, and dealing w/ my dislike of being alone, so an empathetic therapist would help, one who understands these issues I've not processed. Maybe I'll come to point where can post something substantial about this on relationships board. (Did someone just say 'Oh no!'?)
I'll slowly begin packing, talk to ICM (haven't seen in weeks, no commitment after 13yrs, puts he and others b4 me, can't depend upon, clock ticking) about my need to begin again on my own, have good exit appt w/ pdoc mentioning need seek help w/ depression now that anxiety under control (chart will follow me), keep seeing PCP who has ordered another MRI, and most importantly allow myself to feel bad if need but not freak out about it as tho' it is not valid.
I couldn't have gotten this far w/o you all here, right here w/ me. No words big enuf' for the support you've afforded me. Ok. Enuf' of the blubber huh?)
I've still not read all followups, but certainly will. Appreciate you let me know if I've not addressed something important or if you see I am 'fooling myself' or 'not realizing my own limitations'; constructive criticism accepted.
verymuchappreciateuall, 5f
Posted by Kath on February 29, 2008, at 18:55:41
In reply to I don't want to die; just want to feel better, posted by Fivefires on February 29, 2008, at 18:13:25
Hi FF.
You are sounding SO much better. Very clear-headed.
All those points from the T sound very good.
I urge caution in talking with your ex in case he tries to change your mind. AND in case he is so sweet & caring & all the things you WANT & need. He might be capable of them, but he is, as you say, not consistent & I believe, not good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please be careful.
I am so pleased for you. I was going to say proud of you, but sometimes that can seem condescending & I don't mean it like that.
YOU GO FF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
luv, Kath
PS - I'm glad kids see move as a positive thing & glad daught*r & SILaw are so supportive.PSS - as to the Prov med - you could ask on meds board.
k
Posted by Phillipa on February 29, 2008, at 19:04:44
In reply to Re: I don't want to die; just want to feel better » Fivefires, posted by Kath on February 29, 2008, at 18:55:41
FF I agree with Kath and maybe a new pdoc will have a new perspective on what meds would be best for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on February 29, 2008, at 19:08:26
In reply to Re: I don't want to die; just want to feel better » Fivefires, posted by Kath on February 29, 2008, at 18:55:41
You've been a real asset to this site since you showed up here Kath. And, not just for all the wonderful hugs. I don't know what I/we did w/o u b4.
Tks for the words to the wise. ICM can really be smooth...
HopeNiceWeekend, 5f
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