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Re: I want to die *trigger*

Posted by Fivefires on February 21, 2008, at 19:04:03

In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by ClearSkies on February 21, 2008, at 14:14:41

> 5F, can you call your pdoc for this emergency? Crisis lines no good in a crisis :-( Otherwise, go to emergency room for crisis care now!>

ClearSkies the ERs here are 6hr waits after you're signed in. I CANNOT, truly CANNOT go w/o a cigarette for that long. The last time I tried this route, by the time the psych person arrived to talk to me, I was crying hysterically and the only thing I wanted was to get the heck out of there, or any institution that makes no arrangements for smokers, thereby fearing going inpatient anywhere. Think I even told the clinician 'not suicidal' just to rush it! I'm sorry if you or anyone here feel disappointed in me or think I'm a wimp because I'm a smoker who can't quit (I've tried x3-4 and hit the 3mo mark and failed.), but to go w/o them at this time, (Im a nervous wreck!) I cannot do. No; w/o my cigarettes, think my nerves would just hop out of my body and run away from me!

Last eve a diff' crisis person said pack your bags, go to the center you prefer (I won't state it here, but it is a good one, and there are provisions in place for people with physical dxs like back injuries.) and just walk in there. She might be right about this approach.

I feel no incoming love in life, scared about relocating, hadn't seen sig-other for over week and he was here night b4 last and doing that head bobbing falling asleep thing; like a person who was 'coming down'. I said go Wal-F*rt, get drug kit, and prove not mania and he said no $. Scared me so made him leave, locked up, & put door under lock. W/o him, Im all alone. Is he using or is he manic o_o. Why do they charge nearly $30 for drug test kits? Peeps would benefit very much from having access to these. I'm so poor, just a few bucks to last another week this month. I can't ditch the cigs (Mother hassles me constantly about this!), but do get discount.

I want to work so badly. Past employers are unaware of the attacks by ex, so don't understand when called in sick 'cuz ashamed or had bruises' = issue #1, unreliable. Large company bought a lot of hospitals, so the three I worked for share employee files w/ now most metro hospitals.

I contacted an attorney yest. Would like statement w/ records and witnesses of abuse included in employment files so as to account for issue of absences. Do u think good idea?

Then tho', employers are becoming less apt to hire any1 w/ a MH dx after so much tragedy re: colleges/universities/workplaces.

I can't make it anymore on such little SSD & 10bucks food stamps a month. In my housing program, no one can live w/ me but a fam member, husb, person have had a child w/, or am married to = issue #2. Poor and lonely. No one in my FOO will help. Sig-other rec'd felony which disqualifies him from being in program, so if married, I'd lose it.

My head was held in the hands of a woman and beaten bloody on a cement floor (seemed like 4ever) a few mos. b4 I got a great job. After 6days employer said 'we have to let u go as your memory's (issue #3) not good enuf'. Should have I told them of this incident?

Then got a sort of retail job. In couple wks employer said 'we're letting you go because your hands shake too much'. (Not so bad now; hypothesize due to trazodone used then; less tremor now w/o it.)

B4 these insults, I worked long time 4 good employer. By 3rd year, my injury sustained from abuse consistently worsened until only a narcotic made it tolerable. Well, this lead to awful digestion/elimination probs' = issue #4. Had to be @ work by 545a & body wasn't awake. If allowed 45m breaks (right!) in a.m., maybe I'd found relief, instead FOS and had to leave work. Need surg.

My work had 2be perfect enuf' 2b taken into a court of law. Butt, now, I'm looking @ a my typing and questioning, i.e., 'spelling looks odd' 'comma placement proper?' 'hyphenation necessary?'. So, issue #5, cognitive impairment due to narcs.

Oh, and then theres #6, dx of PTSD.

> So sorry that you're feeling this badly.>

I know you care. Why do so many others I've spoken w/ here for all these years just sort of pass me by when I post? Do they not wonder why I want to die? I mean, do they think I'm just 'crying wolf'? Dunno. I'm not. I'm not psychotic. Im not in a black hole. It would be a rational move. Think would be best for all fam who ignore my pleas for help. I know you care though.

ClearSkies I may have TRD. Pdoc doesnt want me on one. I don't want to fall into any black holes or anything, but why, why isn't there something that will work for me? Provigil helps, but I can't afford the amount it takes to keep me going.

Pls babble or use babble feature when time. Would like to hear what you think. Sorry 2long.

> CS

maybethisishell;butno,uwouldn'tbherethen, 5f


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poster:Fivefires thread:813926
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080215/msgs/813980.html