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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Newbfhcards on November 24, 2004, at 16:43:10
Hi. I am having a lot of problems I dont know where to start or where to top. I dont even know who I am anymore. I dont know what me is. I have been seeing docs off and on for the past few months. I am being medicated with Lamictal and Celexa, I have never been on any medication for mental health in my life. Not one person I know seems to know how I feel or can understand an ounce of whats going on with me. I don't blame them or fault them, how could they know? How do I explain to them? How do I tell my mother? Why do I have so many suicidal thoughts? Why do I want to do so much at times and then hours later feel the opposite. Is there any hope out there? Can I really get better? Can I do all the things in life that I previously thought I wanted? Am I just lazy, am I really sick? Will reading about rapid cycling bipolar disorder make me better and understand whats going on with me or will it make me subconciously act out more of the symptoms? It seems from what I read on here, posts and threads and such that people have problems with the meds and have to go from med to med before they find the right one, I fear I do not have the time for this or the will to fight for it. DO others feel this way? How do they move forward with life? someone let me know, please, not looking for a miracle pill or piece of information, just something, I don't know what
Posted by Poet on November 24, 2004, at 18:56:00
In reply to First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 24, 2004, at 16:43:10
Hi and welcome to babble,
I've been in therapy and on meds for two years. I never thought I had mental health issues, I guess I thought everybody was constantly depressed.
I am doing better, depression seems to be in remission and I trust my therapist more. So I would say there is hope, though for me progress is slow. But there is progress which is a positive.
My husband and one friend know about my mental health problems. I don't feel comfortable telling anyone else, because I don't think they'll understand it. I don't need to be stared at or argued with: they're nothing wrong with you, etc.
Are you afraid your mother won't be supportive? I can understand that fear, that's why my family doesn't know. Maybe some other posters can offer some expertise.
I want you to know that you are not alone with your questions and I hope I answered some of them.
Babble is a fantastic place, full of people who understand and want to help. Again welcome.
Poet
Posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 0:36:41
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story » Newbfhcards, posted by Poet on November 24, 2004, at 18:56:00
Thanks for your reply. I have told my mother, father, sister and friends. I just dont talk about it with them that often because, whats the point. I know what they are going to say before they say it. I feel like I am adding burden to their life. My mother would stop the world for me if I asked her but the problem is , I feel like every time I tell her what is like it hurts her so much to know the pain I am in , that I would rather not hurt her. How do I tell her I think of suicide daily? Is it fair to tell her? Maybe I am a snob because I think i know what people will say before they do, I am not sure. Most of the time I think the only reason I am still alive is because Ithink of how hurt my mother would be and I couldnt stand causing her pain its a puzzle.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 0:52:08
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 0:36:41
Hi New I haven't been on the boards for wow maybe 6 months but use to be on here often. I didn't see a post on it so I will ask, have you seen a therapist or anyone who you can talk to and not feel guilty or like you know what they will say? Your mom must be very special and I am glad she keeps you from doing things but I hope and this may sound lame but it is sincere ...that in time you come to stay alive for you because you like you and life.
Hugs
Posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 1:04:23
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story » Newbfhcards, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 0:52:08
THe first therapist I went to was at school and they were awful. I know have a doctor I go to once a month for medication management. He gave me a new therapist to see but I made two appointments and slept through both of them. I feel so guilty about screwing the therapist I am not sure if I can call for another appointment. It just hurts all the time
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 1:24:30
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 1:04:23
Don't worry about the therapist they are use to being stood up and worse :-) Maybe you could set the time for LATE like his/her last appt for the day and have mom wake you? A good T is cool to have like a best friend , a bad match you can dumb. The reason I say maybe a T would work or help is you can talk and cry and be mean even :) and they are so use to it and just let it bounce off them thus you can get it all out ...You ever journal??
HUGS
> THe first therapist I went to was at school and they were awful. I know have a doctor I go to once a month for medication management. He gave me a new therapist to see but I made two appointments and slept through both of them. I feel so guilty about screwing the therapist I am not sure if I can call for another appointment. It just hurts all the time
Posted by Poet on November 25, 2004, at 1:49:51
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story » Newbfhcards, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 1:24:30
I agree with FallenformyT, don't worry about standing up your therapist. I like the idea of scheduling an appointment later in the day. When I'm depressed I can barely drag myself out of bed and mornings easily turn into afternoons.
I understand what it's like to be suicidal. It's hard to keep the feelings inside, but scary to tell anyone. I told my husband when I was and he was upset, but more upset about the possibility of losing me. If you are really down, tell your mother that you might hurt yourself and get help. Okay?
Poet
Posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 3:32:24
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story » Newbfhcards, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 1:24:30
THe first time i went i called the schools emergency number on a friday night the guy asked if was ok i said no. He said if felt bad the next morning to page him again and I could meet him on saturday. I paged him the next morning and he said just wait till monday. I went monday and he had me come back on wednesday and talk again. Then the next monday. That monday he told me he was going away for three weeks and I could start with a new person who would be there for the long haul. I started with the new person and met with him twice a week. It took two weeks to gethim up to speed where I had left off with his co-worker. The next week we met twice. He then told me he would be going away for three weeks. I asked him"what should I do" I have suicidal thoughts and can not take care of myself. He told me to talk to friends, i said, if they could help me I would have gone to them in the first place. then he said I should come to the office and speak to another therapist if I need to during that time. I said "if i start with another therapist it will take three weeks to get up to speed then you will return so whats teh point?" he had nothing to say and I discontinued going to them. I feel so let down I feel like they are neglegent and if i had the energy i would love to find out who regulates them and put in a complaint. I have slipped back into the worst of my problem and have failed all of my courses this semester but was doing ok when I was in therapy. I want to sue them or complain or something. I tried going to the new people but I sleep through the day so its hard even with a late appointment. should I do like a treatment center? do they exist?
Posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 3:33:39
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Poet on November 25, 2004, at 1:49:51
its not that easy. I just dont know what to do
Posted by AdaGrace on November 25, 2004, at 7:01:22
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 3:33:39
Post and Post and tell us how you feel and write everything you are thinking down and let us help you until you get the courage up to go back to therapy.
Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2004, at 9:54:11
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 25, 2004, at 3:32:24
You should really try to get in to see a therapist. When you make the appointment, make sure that they know that you will need to see someone who will be available to you because of your previous experience. This is a hard time of year because many therapists take the week off between Christmas and New Years. But with the possible exception of that week, you should be able to find a therapist who will be around for a while. Let them know that this has been a problem for you in the past - they usually try to be careful about things like this if they know that you have history that makes you sensitive to a particular thing.
You also might see if you can talk to the therapist on the phone for 10 minutes before your appointment. Sometimes when we do things like sleep through appointments it is really our unconscious being afraid to go - so we avoid going by sleeping through. It isn't something that you consciously *want* to do, but it can be something that you unconsciously do to protect yourself. If you talked to the therapist a little before the appointment, then you might not be as afraid to go for the session.
Also having someone wake you up and make sure you get there can be a really good idea.
It can be really hard to get started (particularly when your past has shown you that you will put forth all this effort and start to establish a relationship and then have the person abandon you). So I guess that my suggestion is to make sure that the therapist knows why it is hard for you to get started and try to do as many things as you can to get to that first couple of appointments.
It sounds like you do need to go to see a therapist (otherwise the people you saw in the past wouldn't have encouraged you to continue). Feeling suicidal is so scary - please let someone try to help you.
Meds can be helpful, but you are right, sometimes it takes some time to find the right med. Combining meds and therapy has been shown to be the most effective (more than either alone).
I hope you can find someone soon. In the meantime, do post here. I am continuously amazed at how many people have the same feelings and experiences. It really does help to talk about it.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 29, 2004, at 1:21:32
In reply to First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 24, 2004, at 16:43:10
Posted by newbfhcards on November 29, 2004, at 6:42:10
In reply to Are you O.K New???? nm (nm), posted by Fallen4MyT on November 29, 2004, at 1:21:32
Yes, I am ok, thanks for your message. I was away for thanksgiving. it was ok, we had turkey, go figure
Posted by Soulnik on December 1, 2004, at 22:55:19
In reply to First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 24, 2004, at 16:43:10
New,
Everything you said resonated with me so much. I was so moved by your post. I felt that I could have written it myself. I know you are in so much pain. I am sorry you are hurting so much. All of your questions from your original post are so valid. God knows I don't have any miracle information but I wanted to share some of the responses I've received when I've asked similar questions as I respond to yours below:
>Not one person I know seems to know how I feel or can understand an ounce of whats going on with me. I don't blame them or fault them, how could they know? How do I explain to them? How do I tell my mother?
***You're right. No one can know what you feel. Depression is so absurd that trying to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it IS impossible. But I think the people who love you and that you TRUST, especially your mom since she sounds so supportive, could be helpful, even if they couldn't understand. And they'll say stupid stuff like, "Think positively" or "But you're so smart" or, my all time favorite, "But you seem fine." But telling them that you are having trouble makes it easier when you don't have the strength to pretend. And it's good to know there are people who can help you care for yourself.
>Why do I have so many suicidal thoughts? Why do I want to do so much at times and then hours later feel the opposite.
***Bipolar is some tricky stuff! Sometimes I can't get out of bed and sometimes I get up, get dressed and get out of the door before I it sweeps over me like a tidal wave. I think the suicidal thoughts and the mood swings (I have bipolar 2) are all part and parcel of the disease for me. It sucks. I believe that I think about suicide so much because it provides a way out of the pain. It becomes terrifying to me at times that I think that way so I have a safety agreement with two friends and my therapist. Perhaps you can set that up with some trusted folks in your life?
>Is there any hope out there? Can I really get better? Can I do all the things in life that I previously thought I wanted?
***My therapist keeps telling me that she's seen people find stability time and time again. I have a hard time believing it but I am trying to have hope. I say we should keep holding on to the dreams even though they don't seem possible right now. (I say that though this is one that I too am having difficulty with.)
>Am I just lazy, am I really sick?
***YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT LAZY!!!
>Will reading about rapid cycling bipolar disorder make me better and understand whats going on with me or will it make me subconciously act out more of the symptoms?
***I've asked myself that as well. I think it just made me more aware of the symptoms so I could deal with them. I didn't act them out so much as become, like, hyper aware of them. It's become a good thing but when I was first diagnosed I was a bit obessive.
>It seems from what I read on here, posts and threads and such that people have problems with the meds and have to go from med to med before they find the right one, I fear I do not have the time for this or the will to fight for it. DO others feel this way? How do they move forward with life? someone let me know, please, not looking for a miracle pill or piece of information, just something, I don't know what
***Yes! I feel that all the time and I have the drawer full tried and discarded meds to prove it. I am hoping that my current medication cocktail will work this time. But that is now. When I had my first major bout with depression 10 years ago (hospital stay and all), the very first medication I tried (Zoloft) worked like a charm. Every one is different. You may find something immediately or it may take a while.
I also read your posts about finding a therapist. The process sucks but I hope you keep looking. I know you feel hopeless and desperate right now but a counselor may be able to help you process it all. It's soooooo not a miracle cure or an answer or immediate relief but with the right therapist, you may find a trusted source of support.
I've talked too much. I just soooooooo related to everything you said. I am sending you whatever positive, supportive vibes I can muster. I know this sucks so much but hold on!
Peace,
Nikki
Posted by newbfhcards on December 2, 2004, at 23:39:46
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story » Newbfhcards, posted by Soulnik on December 1, 2004, at 22:55:19
Nikki,
Everyone on the board seems to help, I am so skeptical of everyone, however, Everything you said was so great you really answered in the perfect way, I have not read any post with so much thought or caring. Thank you very much, Right now I feel ok, I have been to the doctor and all my blood tests have come back normal. I am trying, I tried this weekend with my mom, we went to a local bookstore with the mission of finding her a book or some information, however when we got there she avoided those isles like the plague. I cannot tell her that some days I think about killing my self for most of the day. How could I ever tell her? What is the plan you have with your friends? I dont tell any friends about those feelings because i feel like its just a huge burden to the them and a wieght they do not deserve to have on their shoulders. I have been up and about for about 3 consecutive days, which is the most I have in months so that feels good. However I am so scarred that I cannot deal with another down time again. The ups and downs are so frustrating and dissapointing they seem to come faster and faster. My current (3 days) of feeling ok has me even more confused. I just dont know I dont know anything. I have been trying to get out because my body dying just laying in bed and I used to work out and run and be active and was strong now if eel week and feeble. How old are you? How long have you been diag? Thanks again Sorry for the spelling and grammar, its late and my head is pounding
Posted by Soulnik on December 7, 2004, at 13:26:40
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by newbfhcards on December 2, 2004, at 23:39:46
Hey There,
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Been a bit under the weather myself. The plan I have with my friends and therapist is that when/if I am feeling so suicidal that I feel I may hurt myself, I call one of them and give them 30 minutes to help me. The agreement requires that I accept whatever help they offer. So if they say they will come get me or call someone to come get me or just stay on the phone with me or whatever, I will allow them to do that until I am safe again. I have only needed to use it once in the last year and I ended up having a friend pick me up and take me to the emergency room. I was hypomanic and hadn't slept in weeks so my friend stayed with me and helped me explain to the doctors in the hospital that I didn't have to kill myself if I could just sleep. So they gave me something to sleep and I went home the next day.
My thing with the suicdal thoughts is that though they get scary and upsetting, they are just thoughts. As the medication and therapy starts to help, the thoughts start to slow down (until they come back). They part that is the worst is when the thoughts are so overwhelming that you feel like suicide is the only option and that dying is inevitable.
I would say that you should talk to someone you trust about the fact that you are having the thoughts. You're right, most of your friends won't be able to handle it and will be freaked out. But if you have one or two that you can tell everything, try them. They may suprise you. They won't feel like it's too heavy. They will feel concerned adn scared for you and a bit overwhelmed but they will also feel honored that you shared something so important with them. Just select your friends carefully.
With your mom, denial is often a parent's response. They have a hard time with this. My dad acts like I am talking about the weather when I talk about my bipolar. You may need to buy her a book. Dr. Bob has some good suggestions on the site. And once you find a therapist develop a relationship with him/her, you may want to have a together session with your mom. The therapist can help you talk to your mom about it.
I know the fear of having a few good days. I know the fear of a crash. If you can, enjoy the good while it lasts. Do the best you can to be gentle with yourself. It's so hard but try to ride the wave of this aweful up and down. It sucks like hell but the good days are often so few and far between that we really do have to cherish them.
I was diagnosed with Major Depression 11 years ago when I was 20. It was the wrong diagnosis and I have feel that I have spendt the last 11 years on a roller coaster and that my life has just passed me by. I have missed so much. I was just diagnosed with bipolar 2 in December of last year. Since then the treatment has changed and though I have not stabilized, I feel that at least now I know how to go about finding some stabilization. I know I have to treat this differently than unipolar depression so I have some hope (hope is s precious commidity) that I will be able to put my life into some kind of order.
How are you doing these days? What are you doing to take care of yourself?
Nikki
Posted by newbfhcards on December 7, 2004, at 22:27:22
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by newbfhcards on December 2, 2004, at 23:39:46
Hi,
your messages really mean alot to me. You take time to explain and seem to have a very similar perception as I do.
I am trying to do many of the things you mentioned. I however do not feel at the moment that I want to set up the network of friends and make that arrangement with me.
I am trying to work with my mother and explain, however I expect a conversation about the weather with my mother and your father would take off famously.
I have been feeling in more of a moderate manic mood for the past 6 days or so. I have been out of the house for the same amount of time doing things and taking better care of myself. I feel good but as each day ends and I still feel ok, my worries of a crash grow.
I am starting to feel the medication is working but at the same time I feel like maybe this is just a cycle and i have not been really monitoring my cycle for long so I don't have much to go on.
I am still having alot of trouble sleeping.
It's the first night of hanukah and I did get a great gift so thats good and it gives me something to do, lol.
I was once a very very outgoing person. I am 25, I had started my on business, with an investor at 19 and worked jobs in Finance where I was much younger then most of my peers. I was always known as an "idea" person and was let to do my own thing at work, to the point where I would not show up for two weeks, and I would say, uh i was working at home, when in fact I was in bed imobile, my boss's would say " oh, okay" this happend at three jobs. I was never fired I always just took a better job and left after a year or so. My last job I just left, I gave them a months notice, then did not show up for the last two weeks. I just want to get back to where I was I love work I have so many goals when I feel good and they just seem further and further away. Now, today I feel good and I can see that I can reach them but I just dont know if I can take another down time and los them all again.I hope we can stay in contact like this, I hope I will be able to help you as you have helped me
Posted by Soulnik on December 10, 2004, at 14:39:40
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by newbfhcards on December 7, 2004, at 22:27:22
Hey there,
So, I am still chuckling imaging our parents discussing the weather with a giant cloud called "BIPOLAR" looming over their heads!
Take your time with your friends. You need some time to get used to it yourself and to deal on your own. You are reaching out by posting here and connecting with others. Do the best you can.
What are you doing to take care of yourself with the not sleeping thing?
What did you get for hanukah?
My therapist is trying to convince me that once I find the right medication and learn some new coping mechanisms in therapy, my life will balance out and I will not have the fear of the ups and downs. The cycles are terrifying and I don't want to end up back on the job cycle you described.
I too have the strange work history. In fact, I chose a career where short term jobs are the norm because I couldn't predict what I was going to feel. It took me 9 years to finish undergrad because I kept having these overwhelming depressions where I had to drop classes followed by semesters where I would try (and usually fail) to take 5, 6 or 7 classes at a time. And I just barely finished my masters degree.
I'm 31 and in many ways I feel like most of my adult life has been lost to me. If I had been diagnosed earlier and found some stability earlier in life, I think I would feel less lost in many areas of my life. As it stands now, I feel like I have no direction professionally. I have never even attempted a long term romantic relationship because I have always considered myself too much of a mess and too unworthy of love. I am only now beginning to grieve the loss of all of that time and to acknowledge my fear of continuing to live on that maddening cycle of ups and downs - and I don't even have bipolar 1. I couldn't even imagine that!
So, now I have to live with a certain amount of uncertainty and try to trust people who say that I can and will have some relief even when I am not sure how to believe them. I do know that the medication is beginning to work and some of the depression is lifting. I have more energy but I am not hypomanic. I start a full-time job on Monday. The last one I had (4 months ago) I couldn't keep, so I am nervous and sad (it's anything not what I want to be doing) and scared but hopeful and excited about medical insurance again. We'll just have to see. I don't have suicidal thoughts today so that's good.
I say, whatever you can be grateful for on any given day, be grateful for it if you can. If you know you liked the work you were doing before, be glad you know you have something cool to go back to when you get your head above water again. Also, be VERY grateful that your illness never ruined your professional reputation. You always got out before anyone caught on! That's excellent. You played that one well. You just have to take care not to have a messy resume when it's all said and done but if you are working it, work it! I'm glad you still know you can reach your goals. That means you still know the value of your life and that this crazy crap hasn't taken that away from you. Don't let it! You sound like an excellent and protean professional in your field. I have no doubt that once you get this psych junk in check, YOU WILL ROCK! I'm proud of you dude!
And even though you're afraid of the crash, try to enjoy the good days, even if you can only get a few minutes of joy in each day. Even if all you can do it take a few seconds to say, "I don't feel like utter and complete butt right now. Good." You may be feeling good because of the meds or it may be a mania but whatever it is, try to be okay with the good if you can. I know you feel like you can’t handle another crash. Just try to hold on and have some hope. Try to believe.
I enjoy writing to you as well. It helps to connect. Let's keep it up! I hope we will both get back to the outgoing people we once were. I think we deserve it.
Peace,
Nikki
Posted by newbfhcards on December 16, 2004, at 2:48:51
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story » newbfhcards, posted by Soulnik on December 10, 2004, at 14:39:40
Nikki,
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I have been feeling just ok, kind of tired a lot and my sleep is going through its normal (abnormal) cycle of up late sleep late then it starts to catch up with itself after a few weeks.
I talked to the Doc last week about sleep and he is hesitant to give me sleeping pills (maybe because I asked if they are best served with an entire 5th of cheap vodka) He has increased my medicine on tapered scale this month I go from 125 for a week to 150 for a week to 175 for a week to 200 for a week and finally at 225, this is the lamictal, the celexa stays the same. If this does not show larger results he wants to change both to lithium and wellbutrin. I told him on no uncertain terms that I do not want lithium. It makes me nervous with all the possible side effects.
On a brighter note, for Hanukah I got an IPOD Mini a few accoutrements for it and some nice cufflinks. I have used the ipod a ton and am thinking of creating my own Podcast, which makes me feel good that I have interest in something. The cufflinks are nice, I suppose one day I will have the chance to wear them somewhere other then the laundry room in my building or to the neighborhood deli.
I have not crashed yet and I am trying to stay positive I had a little episode this weekend where I was very very irritable but it past.
Today (Thursday) I am going to meet with my advisor at school, my stepfather is accompanying me. I have to tell her that I have not been to any classes this semester and why. I have to tell her about the lack of treatment and the failed promise from the schools treatment center and the care I am in now. My new doctors tell me then can put together a letter explaining what I am going through and that I can competently attempt to take classes the semester starting in January.
You have your masters? That is awesome, what is the concentration? What is your new job? What kind of work are you doing? How was your first day? Tell me everything. I hope everything went well for you this week and I look forward to hearing from you. I again apologize for not getting back sooner but I am sure you can understand, never the less, I get 40 lashes with the ipod sync cable.
Hope to talk to you soon.
Posted by soulnik on December 28, 2004, at 19:02:46
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by newbfhcards on December 16, 2004, at 2:48:51
I have been sooooooo distracted lately. I haven't had time to get back to you. SORRY! There is no need for violence with computer cords. We're even now!
How did your meeting with your advisor go? Were they understanding?
My first few weeks of work have been ok though I feel that it's getting harder to cope each day. I am tired and anxious and so sad. I also started having heart palpitations last week. My doctor has decreased my Lexapro so we'll see if that's it. I am a bit annoyed that i have no health insurance until April so I am paying cash for my meds. WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!
I'm not sure if I am crashing or not but I do feel pretty crappy lately. Maybe it's just the work stress adding to it. I am just hoping it will pass soon. I don't want to mess up this job. I need the money and I like the pay check.
My master's degree is a M.Div. I studied religion - theology and ethics. My new job is at the development corporation of a church. I am a glorified secretary. I kinda manage the administrative aspects of the clinical services department. Secretary.
Good Hanukah gift! I asked for one for Christmas. My dad gave me cash so I can buy one. I will most likely spend it on psych meds. Blah.
So let me know what's up with you.
Nikki
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