Posted by Soulnik on December 1, 2004, at 22:55:19
In reply to First Day here.Some of my story, posted by Newbfhcards on November 24, 2004, at 16:43:10
New,
Everything you said resonated with me so much. I was so moved by your post. I felt that I could have written it myself. I know you are in so much pain. I am sorry you are hurting so much. All of your questions from your original post are so valid. God knows I don't have any miracle information but I wanted to share some of the responses I've received when I've asked similar questions as I respond to yours below:
>Not one person I know seems to know how I feel or can understand an ounce of whats going on with me. I don't blame them or fault them, how could they know? How do I explain to them? How do I tell my mother?
***You're right. No one can know what you feel. Depression is so absurd that trying to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it IS impossible. But I think the people who love you and that you TRUST, especially your mom since she sounds so supportive, could be helpful, even if they couldn't understand. And they'll say stupid stuff like, "Think positively" or "But you're so smart" or, my all time favorite, "But you seem fine." But telling them that you are having trouble makes it easier when you don't have the strength to pretend. And it's good to know there are people who can help you care for yourself.
>Why do I have so many suicidal thoughts? Why do I want to do so much at times and then hours later feel the opposite.
***Bipolar is some tricky stuff! Sometimes I can't get out of bed and sometimes I get up, get dressed and get out of the door before I it sweeps over me like a tidal wave. I think the suicidal thoughts and the mood swings (I have bipolar 2) are all part and parcel of the disease for me. It sucks. I believe that I think about suicide so much because it provides a way out of the pain. It becomes terrifying to me at times that I think that way so I have a safety agreement with two friends and my therapist. Perhaps you can set that up with some trusted folks in your life?
>Is there any hope out there? Can I really get better? Can I do all the things in life that I previously thought I wanted?
***My therapist keeps telling me that she's seen people find stability time and time again. I have a hard time believing it but I am trying to have hope. I say we should keep holding on to the dreams even though they don't seem possible right now. (I say that though this is one that I too am having difficulty with.)
>Am I just lazy, am I really sick?
***YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT LAZY!!!
>Will reading about rapid cycling bipolar disorder make me better and understand whats going on with me or will it make me subconciously act out more of the symptoms?
***I've asked myself that as well. I think it just made me more aware of the symptoms so I could deal with them. I didn't act them out so much as become, like, hyper aware of them. It's become a good thing but when I was first diagnosed I was a bit obessive.
>It seems from what I read on here, posts and threads and such that people have problems with the meds and have to go from med to med before they find the right one, I fear I do not have the time for this or the will to fight for it. DO others feel this way? How do they move forward with life? someone let me know, please, not looking for a miracle pill or piece of information, just something, I don't know what
***Yes! I feel that all the time and I have the drawer full tried and discarded meds to prove it. I am hoping that my current medication cocktail will work this time. But that is now. When I had my first major bout with depression 10 years ago (hospital stay and all), the very first medication I tried (Zoloft) worked like a charm. Every one is different. You may find something immediately or it may take a while.
I also read your posts about finding a therapist. The process sucks but I hope you keep looking. I know you feel hopeless and desperate right now but a counselor may be able to help you process it all. It's soooooo not a miracle cure or an answer or immediate relief but with the right therapist, you may find a trusted source of support.
I've talked too much. I just soooooooo related to everything you said. I am sending you whatever positive, supportive vibes I can muster. I know this sucks so much but hold on!
Peace,
Nikki
poster:Soulnik
thread:419839
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041122/msgs/423177.html