Posted by Soulnik on December 7, 2004, at 13:26:40
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by newbfhcards on December 2, 2004, at 23:39:46
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Been a bit under the weather myself. The plan I have with my friends and therapist is that when/if I am feeling so suicidal that I feel I may hurt myself, I call one of them and give them 30 minutes to help me. The agreement requires that I accept whatever help they offer. So if they say they will come get me or call someone to come get me or just stay on the phone with me or whatever, I will allow them to do that until I am safe again. I have only needed to use it once in the last year and I ended up having a friend pick me up and take me to the emergency room. I was hypomanic and hadn't slept in weeks so my friend stayed with me and helped me explain to the doctors in the hospital that I didn't have to kill myself if I could just sleep. So they gave me something to sleep and I went home the next day.
My thing with the suicdal thoughts is that though they get scary and upsetting, they are just thoughts. As the medication and therapy starts to help, the thoughts start to slow down (until they come back). They part that is the worst is when the thoughts are so overwhelming that you feel like suicide is the only option and that dying is inevitable.
I would say that you should talk to someone you trust about the fact that you are having the thoughts. You're right, most of your friends won't be able to handle it and will be freaked out. But if you have one or two that you can tell everything, try them. They may suprise you. They won't feel like it's too heavy. They will feel concerned adn scared for you and a bit overwhelmed but they will also feel honored that you shared something so important with them. Just select your friends carefully.
With your mom, denial is often a parent's response. They have a hard time with this. My dad acts like I am talking about the weather when I talk about my bipolar. You may need to buy her a book. Dr. Bob has some good suggestions on the site. And once you find a therapist develop a relationship with him/her, you may want to have a together session with your mom. The therapist can help you talk to your mom about it.
I know the fear of having a few good days. I know the fear of a crash. If you can, enjoy the good while it lasts. Do the best you can to be gentle with yourself. It's so hard but try to ride the wave of this aweful up and down. It sucks like hell but the good days are often so few and far between that we really do have to cherish them.
I was diagnosed with Major Depression 11 years ago when I was 20. It was the wrong diagnosis and I have feel that I have spendt the last 11 years on a roller coaster and that my life has just passed me by. I have missed so much. I was just diagnosed with bipolar 2 in December of last year. Since then the treatment has changed and though I have not stabilized, I feel that at least now I know how to go about finding some stabilization. I know I have to treat this differently than unipolar depression so I have some hope (hope is s precious commidity) that I will be able to put my life into some kind of order.
How are you doing these days? What are you doing to take care of yourself?