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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Cass on December 1, 2001, at 19:42:30
In reply to Yea!!!!! (nm) » Cass, posted by Krazy Kat on November 30, 2001, at 18:00:19
Today I went to a memorial service of a lady I did not know well. As a child, she had been a Lithuanian refugee who grew up "dirt poor" in the ghetto, but having white skin allowed her to escape the prejudice that kept her friends and neighbors down. She never turned a blind eye to this unfairness. She devoted her whole life to fighting social injustice. She taught English as a second language, helped feed and clothe immigrants and she was politically active. I was touched by her life, and I just thought I would share it.
Posted by jay on December 1, 2001, at 22:14:42
In reply to the memorial, posted by Cass on December 1, 2001, at 19:42:30
Why can't there be more people in the world like this? Seems like most of society just cares about making money; creating war; picking on the less fortunate. Everything has become so conservative, it makes me ill. No wonder I/we often just want to pack it all in.
Jay
> Today I went to a memorial service of a lady I did not know well. As a child, she had been a Lithuanian refugee who grew up "dirt poor" in the ghetto, but having white skin allowed her to escape the prejudice that kept her friends and neighbors down. She never turned a blind eye to this unfairness. She devoted her whole life to fighting social injustice. She taught English as a second language, helped feed and clothe immigrants and she was politically active. I was touched by her life, and I just thought I would share it.
Posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 12:49:50
In reply to the memorial, posted by Cass on December 1, 2001, at 19:42:30
It has been a long time since anyone has posted on this issue. I have everything pretty much ready. I've written a will, but don't have it signed yet. It is odd how calm I feel now that the decision has been made. I just don't know when to do it yet. I have reached out for help and have no one reaching back. I have a borderline personality disorder, I guess from post traumatic stress syndrome. I am doing pretty good on Effexor-XR. I noticed there was some mention of Neurontin. You see, I have chronic pain from domestic violence. I have three of the discs just below my head extruded. My psych is taking me off (never been off in 15 years) benzos, and my PCP is flirting with taking away my pain medicine. Without it I will be all but bedridden. I have three wonderful children whom I want to no longer burden. I want to leave them what little I have and no debt! I cannot have surgery, well unless I paid for it. Can't do that because I'm on SS Disability. And, if it didn't work, no doctor would really want to help me because it was elective. Trigger point and epidurals do not work. Suddenly, my doctors are focusing on 'addiction' and not me. I am 52y/o and have had many wonderful times and some terrible times. I am all alone here. Well, alone for about 8 years. My neighbors have seen me taken out on a stretcher before and are no longer friendly. I cannot work. I have no love in my life. I lost my 'rock', my father, five months ago. We were very close and the rest of my family of five seem to have dumped me and my problems. It's like the CATs away and the mice are playing. I'm giving up this fight, that's probably why I'm so calm.
Posted by karen_kay on July 9, 2004, at 13:31:50
In reply to Feeling calm as closer I get to suicide » Cass, posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 12:49:50
DON'T YOU GIVE UP!!!!!! you haven't signed your will yet for a reason. you're not ready to give up yet. people care. your children care! i care!!!! i'm listening to you and you still have options dear! money is jsut money and there is NO (NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!) price tag on your life! your life is worth so much more than any amount of money!!!! SO MUCH MORE!!! DON'T YOU EVER (EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!!) think any different! please don't you give up! pretty please!
i know you are in pain. and i'm sorry. if there was any way in this world i could take that pain away, please beleive me that i would. i really really really wish i could dear. but i can't and that really hurts me.
you still have hope dear. i still have hope, and i'l share that with you. think of your beautiful children. they can't lose their wonderful mother (is that right? if not i'm very sorry, i'm not good at guessing, you know :)) right now, not this way dear. keep them close to you. you still have the hope of fidning love. keep that hope alive dear. i thikn that sometimes hope is all we have. and i have so very much hope in my life that i'm willing to share it with you. i promise i will.
if you need anything (and i mean ANYTHING) don't you dare hesitate to email me at karen_kay12at yahoodotcom... i sincerely mean that... i look forward to receiving your email very very very soon dear..
you take care of yourself, and i look forward to helping you take care of your wonderful self as well... keep that hope alive and i'm sending you every ounce of hope i can spare (and believe me, that's a whole lot of hope!!!!!!) things WILL be better for you very soon dear! i promise! i feel it in my heart! AND DON'T YOU GIVE UP! EMAIL ME my new friend!
Posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 14:06:09
In reply to you have options.... » Corafree, posted by karen_kay on July 9, 2004, at 13:31:50
You touched my heart and actually made me cry. I haven't cried for days. My children do love me very much, so much that they would let me go rather than see me in pain. I don't live very close to them. I need to move closer to them, don't you think? Maybe I could do that. Thank god you were still there. You just made this day liveable(?) for me. I'm still pretty I think, but a little thin. I used to be really sweet and happy. But so much went wrong and made me different. While surrounded by people in a condo community near a university, it took the internet to find someone who would grasp my outstretched arm. Thank you doesn't even say it. Please don't go away.
Posted by karen_kay on July 9, 2004, at 14:32:03
In reply to Re: you have options.... » karen_kay, posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 14:06:09
i'm sorry you are in pain dear.. i really can't say that enough. and i'm afraid that i can't say it in such a way that you can believe how much i really am sorry you are in pain. i really do wish i could take that pain away from you. but, i know i can't.
your children love you very much. i'm so very happy for that. i'm sorry tht they are far from you. is it possible for you to move closer to them? if so, i know that it helps to be closer to your family and people who care about you... if you can move closer to your children, then please do so. i think that being closer to them may help your pain a little. sometimes being closer to those you love helps you to forget about your pain just a little bit.
and i bet you are beautiful dear! absolutely stunning! if you start to believe you are, then it is so! if you used to be sweet adn happy, then you can be sweet and happy again. you still have it in you. i know it's very hard to be happy when you are living wiht so much pain and sadness, but i thikn that you can overcome that and become happy once again. hold onto that hope dear.
and i won't go away dear. i promise! i'm still here listening. i promise.. i sent that hope, and i think you got a little bit of it... i'm sending more right ow. can you feel it yet?
and please don't cry. instead, could you smile jsut a little bit? i know everyone looks beautiful when they cry, but they look absolutely stunning when they smile. let's go for stunning this time instead of beautiful..ok? come on, you can do it.. i see the smile,,, jsut a little bit more.. come on.. there you go!!! you did it.. you're smiling and you are absolutely stunning dear! now, do it more often adn you'll catch a stunning gentleman with lots and lots of money!!!
have a great day dear, filled with lots of happiness and hope (don't forget, i'm sending it.. so, you better catch it, or your neighbor will get it instead!!!)
Posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 16:05:43
In reply to i'm still here dear.. » Corafree, posted by karen_kay on July 9, 2004, at 14:32:03
Yep, you saw my face, a little hopeful smile. You and your words are an inspiration. This is almost happiness ... can that be? See, now I get all full of myself, such an attention seeker, I'm so sorry. Forgive me, it is this quirk in my personality. I sometimes can't understand how my meaning comes across wrong to others. That is the reason I have difficulty with maintaining friendships. So pls know I don't mean to sound in anyway unappreciative, because I totally am. It's hard. In someone's post above there is a saying about a ROSE. I don't know how the saying ends. Will have to go back and check, see who wrote it. God bless you and the other person who has responded to me (can't get back there)
Posted by shadows721 on July 10, 2004, at 0:24:13
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.. » karen_kay, posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 16:05:43
Cora,
I just found your post. I hope you are safe. I too suffer from chronic pain. I had to be hospitalized for depression around Christmas. I know exactly how you feel, but there are other meds to try. I have been using topamax and it helps my back pain.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 10, 2004, at 9:21:14
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.., posted by shadows721 on July 10, 2004, at 0:24:13
Cora,
My mother suffers from chronic pain. She recently had hip surgery, and her ego-driven surgeon accused her of being an addict due to the high dose of narcotics she requires to manager her fibromyalgia. He doesn't seem to know snot about chronic pain management. I spoke with a PharmD. pain specialist who told me my mother's dose was quite appropriate.I think doctor's are afraid of their patients becoming addicted and drug-seeking. But there is a huge difference between being physically dependent, as my mother is, and being psychologically addicted. I would encourage you to talk to your doctor about perhaps seing a pain management specialist, if you haven't already. I can also send you some articles about the latest in chronic pain management that I downloaded from Medscape. You could share these with your doctor. You can reach me via email at gardenergirl88 at yahoo dot com (spelled out to avoid web bots) if you want me to send you the article.
Please take gentle care of yourself and hug your children. Children are such a blessing.
gg
Posted by Corafree on July 10, 2004, at 16:44:55
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.., posted by shadows721 on July 10, 2004, at 0:24:13
I asked my doc for Topomax but he said it is only prescribed for epilepsy! By the way, are there any affordable chronic pain treatment centers?
Posted by shadows721 on July 10, 2004, at 19:16:13
In reply to Effexor-XR, Suicidal Ideation, Topomax, Pain » shadows721, posted by Corafree on July 10, 2004, at 16:44:55
No, I sure don't know of affordable pain clinics. Topamax is being used for way more than epilepsy now. It's being used for bipolar 2, migraine, essential tremors, anxiety, weight loss associated with SSRI's, and nerve pain. Doc doesn't sound like he is up with current research. Might have to print some up off the internet and put it in his lap to read.
Now, Topamax is a serious drug. But with serious back pain, it might be worth a try.
Posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:14:12
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.. » karen_kay, posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 16:05:43
I wish I would have seen this post a few days ago. I would have liked to have tried to say or do something helpful. I would love to offer my friendship to you Corafree. I can always use another friend, and it sounds like you can use one too. ((((Corafree)))) Hugs to you.
Elle
Posted by Corafree on July 14, 2004, at 12:31:32
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.. » Corafree, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:14:12
Thank you. Every little message like this gives me more hope. I have written my 'will' of sort and given it to my daughter. I don't intend, but I just have fears and don't want to leave my children with the burden of an elderly emotional broken mother, ya know? Today I have hope. I am doing well on Effexor-XR 75mg am and 37.5mg about five hours later in the day, and then trazodone for sleep. Fears are about docs taking away anxiety med and pain med. I'd be bedridden. Everyday I have hope is a good day. I wonder so often about the spirituality of suicide. Good can conquer evil, I think. I feel I've been short-changed too long a length of time of the 'good' and that's when I consider suicide. I pray. I don't abuse alcohol or meds. I'm no angel, but I really wonder - if your life doesn't give you a break, maybe you are called upon to give yourself a break?
Posted by Elle2021 on July 15, 2004, at 2:20:04
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.. » Elle2021, posted by Corafree on July 14, 2004, at 12:31:32
That is good that the Effexor seems to be helping a bit. I agree with you, I think good can conquer evil. I'm glad that you don't abuse medication or alcohol. That type of thing can make psychiatric problems 10x worse. You mentioned that you had already written a will. That part of your post worries me. Is it a possibility for you to contact your therapist and talk about your feelings on this? You know if you go through with suicide, your daughter will miss you terribly. And, I already like you, so I will miss you too. You're open and honest, and I like that. So tell me about your day. :)
Elle> Thank you. Every little message like this gives me more hope. I have written my 'will' of sort and given it to my daughter. I don't intend, but I just have fears and don't want to leave my children with the burden of an elderly emotional broken mother, ya know? Today I have hope. I am doing well on Effexor-XR 75mg am and 37.5mg about five hours later in the day, and then trazodone for sleep. Fears are about docs taking away anxiety med and pain med. I'd be bedridden. Everyday I have hope is a good day. I wonder so often about the spirituality of suicide. Good can conquer evil, I think. I feel I've been short-changed too long a length of time of the 'good' and that's when I consider suicide. I pray. I don't abuse alcohol or meds. I'm no angel, but I really wonder - if your life doesn't give you a break, maybe you are called upon to give yourself a break?
Posted by cubic_me on July 15, 2004, at 8:52:28
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.. » Corafree, posted by Elle2021 on July 15, 2004, at 2:20:04
Sweetie, I've been as close or closer than you have to suicide, and its a strange time, like no other.
I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, I've been on vacation, but I'm here now, and will listen to you for ever if it helps even a little. I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better than a few days ago, than's really positive.
cubic x
Posted by corafree on July 15, 2004, at 9:19:44
In reply to Re: i'm still here dear.. » Corafree, posted by Elle2021 on July 15, 2004, at 2:20:04
I awoke this a.m. too early. My first thoughts were what I was feeling...pain in my body. I was thirsty so had a pepsi and a pain pill. I guess besides the extruded discs C2-3,C3-4,C4-5; I have arthritis and I feel pretty sure fibromyalgia. I think I may wake because of pain. I wish my doc could walk in my shoes. I have great fear that he will take away my med. Suicidal thoughts linger, and I think it is the pain I wish to escape, mostly physical, some emotional probs'. It's nice to have you to talk to. I have been a bit too open and emotional w/ my doctors. I think it is better to try and keep yourself together, not get too upset, and not too desperate, as I think these are called 'red flags' that they take as pill seeking! They get caught up in protecting themselves from me, talking about addiction; but I feel I may be physically dependent. Like I said, I don't abuse illegal or prescription meds. Pray my doc trusts me and doesn't through me to the wolves. Will find out in couple weeks. In meantime, he wants me to see a fourth pain specialist! Have three names to pick from - will call Board of Medical Examiners and get info on each, before choosing one. Have a nice day back at ya'!
Posted by corafree on July 15, 2004, at 9:33:02
In reply to Suicide, posted by Cass on November 23, 2001, at 23:57:55
Are we communicating?
Posted by Elle2021 on July 15, 2004, at 14:32:02
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by corafree on July 15, 2004, at 9:33:02
> Are we communicating?
We are unless you feel uncomfortable with it. It's up to you. I enjoy talking with you.
Elle
Posted by Cass on July 16, 2004, at 1:47:45
In reply to Feeling calm as closer I get to suicide » Cass, posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 12:49:50
Dear Corafree,
I hadn't noticed this thread until now. I am touched to see that this thread is a response to a post I wrote in late 2001 called "the memorial." Were you reading my old posts and noticing that our lives are similar? I have fibromyalgia, arthritis. I had a will made up before I wrote the post. I can relate to you. I can even relate to taking a pain pill with a pepsi. I used to do that too.
Three years later, I read that old post of mine, and I am so grateful not to feel suicidal and depressed. My life has changed completely. My depression and anxiety have subsided a great deal. My life is so much fuller and richer than it was. I have a lot of love in my life. Love and hope.
Please don't give up hope. Please understand that if someone like me, whose life was so similar to yours, can come to be happy, so can you. Life's circumstances can change drastically, and time can heal many wounds.
Please keep communicating.
Posted by corafree on July 16, 2004, at 11:43:57
In reply to Re: Feeling calm as closer I get to suicide » Corafree, posted by Cass on July 16, 2004, at 1:47:45
I'm SO glad to hear from you! I wondered 'were you still here?' Yes, I awaken with so much pain, I feel like the tin man when I go to stand up out of bed. Besides the arthritis (Is yours osteo or rheumatoid?) and fibromyalgia; I have three extruded discs in my cervical spine due to an accident at the hands of my ex-husband. I gave a copy of my will to my daughter a few days ago. I dated it today, just because I like the number 17. She is my best friend, really only friend, after losing my father early this year. My PCP followed my second pain specialists prescription for Percocet x4 a day. I see him monthly and everytime it nears the end of an appt., he starts to walk away and I have to remind him that I need my Percocet scrip. He is now getting all in a 'huff' and talking about addiction. He wants me to see another pain specialist. Procedures haven't worked before, but I'll find another one. Also, I lost my psychiatrist, and the new one, took me way down in milligrams of my anxiety medication, Klonopin, also citing addiction. I don't drink or abuse my meds. I have been living alone here for eight years. I'm so tired, bored, lonely. I have had 'suicide attempts' in the past. My neighbors pretty much 'dis'miss me now, ignore me, as they saw me taken away on a stretcher. I need a KUDO so bad, I'm stagnating, becoming a burden on my daughter. I guess you could say I had a roller-coaster ride of a life until 2000 when I just started falling apart ... maybe 'burnt out.' It was then that I applied for SSD. After being awarded SSD, I tried to work PT. One place said my memory wasn't good enough. Another said I shook too much. Now, I know I cannot set myself up for another rejection. I wake early, maybe because of pain. Have just been up 3 hrs and will now go lie down (unfortunately don't fall asleep) and rest a bit. Tks for writing. You're today's inspiration for me. cf
Posted by kazoo on July 17, 2004, at 0:15:15
In reply to Feeling calm as closer I get to suicide » Cass, posted by Corafree on July 9, 2004, at 12:49:50
To Corafree:
This message is for you.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened, or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those WHO LOVE YOU.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.
You are special. Don't EVER forget it.
If you do not engender this idea and pass it on to others, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems.
REMEMBER: amateurs built the Ark ... professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Think about what I said in this message today ... and you will receive a miracle tomorrow.
All the best,
kazoo
Posted by Cass on July 17, 2004, at 12:34:18
In reply to Re: Feeling calm as closer I get to suicide » Cass, posted by corafree on July 16, 2004, at 11:43:57
Hi Cora,
I'm so sorry you lost your father. How are you doing with the grief? I'm so glad you have your daughter's support. Don't think of yourself as a burden. If she is your best friend, she must love you very much.
The "accident" at the hands of your ex-husband sounds ominous. I'm so sorry! You've sure been through hell. Have you ever thought of suing your ex for the damage he's done to you? Certainly your pain and medical bills deserve some compensation from him. I'm not a very litigious person, but I really think that damaging discs in your cervical spine shouldn't go unpunished! Argh!
I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibro in my bag of medical problems, but I also have Lupus. I can really sympathize with you. I know what you mean about memory. My memory is very sketchy. I find it embarrassing. What is the shaking due to? Fibromyalgia? Anxiety? Pain? I tend to shake when my anxiety is high. I have seen a lot of improvement in my symptoms by becoming a vegetarian. I removed almost all dairy, grains and meat from my diet and eating raw fruits and vegetables, seeds and nuts. The resulting weightloss helped me in itself, but my symptoms also got quite a bit better. I am in no way cured, but things are looking up. I also started exercising doing very low impact things, like taking walks and jumping on a rebounder (can hurt the knees a little if I jump too long.) I do a little yoga too. I recently stopped exercising because of an injury, but now that I am healing, I'm going to start again. Jumping on the rebounder was really helping my fibro!
It was sort of surreal seeing that old thread of mine including "the memorial" pop up. I reread that thread. It was the new Cass meeting the old Cass, and I'm so glad my life has improved. Now the frame of mind I was in then seems very far away and distant. The issues are still real, but they are not nearly as magnified.
You'll also be happy soon, and all of this will be a distant memory. Thank YOU for touching bases with me. Let's keep talking.
Posted by corafree on July 17, 2004, at 14:27:11
In reply to Re: recovery » corafree, posted by Cass on July 17, 2004, at 12:34:18
Well I've thought to sue(?), but he is a real OJ, and he always wins. He would make it look as if it were all my fault. They didn't automatically take a man (or woman, for that manner) to jail, like they do now (thank god). I don't think I ever pressed charges because I knew if I did he would leave us (children young), ya know I had this sick love for him. In my divorce my attorney didn't even want to bring it up. I can't even recall why now, but I'll always wonder. He had said that if I ever called the police again, he would divorce me. The last time, I thought to myself, I still have my father, and I called the police. Then he did divorce me and is thriving, even doing meth at work and it being known, he stills wins! He'd find a way to put it all back on me, again.
Posted by Cass on July 18, 2004, at 13:33:53
In reply to Re: recovery » Cass, posted by corafree on July 17, 2004, at 14:27:11
Some people, I guess your husband included, have a kind of charm that can get them out of anything. I've learned that people who are too smooth and charming should be avoided. They can be really dangerous, and they are manipulative. Other people will lie, support and cover for them too. I suppose you of all people know that. An honest person with good moral character earns my respect. I don't care if they are "charming" or not. I'm so sorry you've been through so much. I'm glad your ex can't hurt you anymore (He can't, right?)
Can you take walks? That's what I plan on doing soon today. The fresh air and sunshine does me good. The temperature is mild today which is nice, as opposed to the roasting temperatures we've been having.
I'm wishing you a day full of hope and peace.
Posted by corafree on July 18, 2004, at 15:08:52
In reply to Re: recovery » corafree, posted by Cass on July 18, 2004, at 13:33:53
Cass
I woke up early, now it's 1p already, and feel I must take a rest. Got all cleaned up and wet braided my hair. I may go to the pool, but did I tell you that my neighbors aren't too friendly since they saw me go out of here on a stretcher once? They were all at the pool yesterday. Inside of being caring (well, it's a college community), they have really shyed away from me. I feel embarrassed and fear around them. I will try to keep hoping. Glad you're weather is nice...very hot down my way! cf
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