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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
I just give up.
OK, for all that I can't stand to keep trying, and for all that I don't want to live anymore, I still buckle my seat belt, so some part of me obviously wants to live, right?
My aunt is fond of saying that, if you don't know what your options are, you don't have any options. That's not quite where I am, but it is analogous to it. I do not have access to alternate psychopharmacological treatment at this time. The pdoc I can see won't address the problems I've had with meds, and just says that if I have any side effects I can't put up with, stop the drugs. He won't even discuss the side effects as if they're real, just says, "OK, stop taking it." Then he'll tell me that nothing is working for me, and the implication that it's my fault is pretty damn clear. I think he needs a good spanking.
Adding to my distress, I just told my husband today to do something that I'd been avoiding. It's something that's got me so upset I don't want to share it here, but it is a very significant step, one that really does carry the symbolic meaning that I've given up getting my life back.
So now I'm facing an even bleaker picture of the future, and can't seem to care about anything. Tomorrow I've got an appointment to have my hair cut, and that means that I'll have to leave the house and pretend to be normal. That's hard to face in my current state.
Oh, yeah, and I'm absolutely beating myself up for not doing this or that or the next thing to improve my situation. You know, "But if you'd get off your lazy @$$ and exercise, you'd feel better -- you're just lying there on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself, when you could fix it yourself if you'd only do it." You know the routine?
Thanks for letting me whine. Damn the doc. And just in case anyone cares, I do think there are plenty of options left in the meds catagory, but making one work would require that he actually admit that things like falling down from hypotension might be serious enough -- from a strictly subjective viewpoint, of course, since there's no objective problem with it -- to cause significant distress. Ten months ago, I failed to end my own life. The only difference between then and now is that I've lost even more.
OK, I'm done whining for a while.
Posted by pegasus on June 7, 2004, at 18:41:19
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
Racer, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I wish I could lift the whole thing for you for a while, or maybe just crawl into the hole with you to keep you company. Some of the things you are saying are really concerning me. Are you actively considering suicide? Will you please post again whenever you can? I'm worried about you.
I agree that your pdoc needs a spanking. Do you not have access to any other doctor? Ok, sorry, I'm sure you've checked your options, and I hope you've talked this over with your husband. Please don't let this one bad pdoc and his inability to help you be your last straw. Please tell your husband how serious this is and that your pdoc is not helping enough. If we lose you, I will really miss you.
(((racer)))
pegasus
Posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:45:44
In reply to Re: I give up, posted by pegasus on June 7, 2004, at 18:41:19
Posted by antigua on June 7, 2004, at 19:07:25
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
I give up too. I feel like all I do is whine, when I shouldn't because I'm very lucky to have the life I do, but I can't get past this depression. I was away for a few days last week and when I got back, my thought was that my husband and kids did just fine without me. It's been a whole year that I've been deep into this and I see no hope in sight.
antigua
Posted by Emme on June 7, 2004, at 19:48:32
In reply to Re: I give up too, posted by antigua on June 7, 2004, at 19:07:25
I wish you didn't feel so bad. I hope you'll feel better. My brain is dead right now - all I can offer is a kind thought. Please keep us posted.
I like the saying about not having options if you don't know what they are. I think that's very true. I hope we and your family can help you find more options.
Emme
Posted by karen_kay on June 7, 2004, at 19:49:17
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
if your pdoc isn't taking you seriously, then MAKE him! if he doesn't acknowledge your pain, MAKE him! if it takes running through his office completely naked, with your fists high in the air, screaming, "dr eyecandy,it's go time!" then DO IT! if you want, i'll join you, i'll even hold him down so you can get a few good punches in before security comes aknockin!
sometimes doctors don't realize how much pain we are in (nor would i want anyone who doesn't know to actually 'know' it). sometimes we have to tell them, and tell them in such a way that they take us seriously. if it means calling him 36 times a day, do it. give me his number and i'll help!
BUT don't you give up. you're a firecracker and i think you've yet to light the fuse on him. set fire to his butt and MAKE him work for you!
and about beating yourself up.... don't! so, you aren't doing everything you want to. who is? you're doing a heck of alot right now by staying alive. and that's not always an easy task. little things like exercise, household chores, ect. can wait until you feel better. now, you just need to know in your heart how much you are doing. that's not an easy task, granted, but racer you do so much! it is a struggle to keep going everyday and that's the biggest thing you are doing right now! that's much more important than those other tasks that can wait. and much harder! so, sit on the couch and add ice cream to your diet, because if you're struggling right now, ice cream makes the struggle almost worth it at times.
and about leaving the house and pretending to be normal.... don't bother, that's too much effort. just leave the house. don't worry about pretending to be normal. if you cry, big deal! we all cry at times. if you're hateful, so what? i'm sure you aren't going to be the most hateful person out there. go get your hair cut. perhaps you'll feel better after getting your hair done? i always do, no matter how poopy i'm feeling. and i'm certain you'll look beautiful after you get your hair cut and styled.
racer, you've been fighting this for years. and you still have alot of fight left in you. don't give up now. stay close to the people who help you through times like this. stay away from those who don't (except your pdoc... and in his case, ride his butt until he hears you!). but, most importantly don't you give up jsut yet! i think that it's when people are ready to give up that they actually find the answers because they have to!
i wish i was there to make you feel better racer. i wish i could stroke your hair and tell you everything will be ok. but, i can't be there. so, just listen to me when i say YOU ARE MUCH TOO STRONG TO GIVE UP NOW! (and if the guilt trip helps, there are many, many MANY people who need you!)
(((((racer)))))) i'll give dr eyecandy somethign to be excited aobut. want me to go spank him myself? for some reason though, i think you could do a much better job at it. so, GO SPANK HIM!
Posted by fayeroe on June 7, 2004, at 20:41:28
In reply to don't you dare! » Racer, posted by karen_kay on June 7, 2004, at 19:49:17
Posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2004, at 21:35:13
In reply to don't you dare! » Racer, posted by karen_kay on June 7, 2004, at 19:49:17
Posted by lepus on June 7, 2004, at 22:57:33
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
Oh God Racer. I know exactly how you feel. Especially the part about trying to end your life some time ago and the only difference between then and now is that you have lost more. I am in the same situation. I tried to kill myself two years ago, then had a wonderful year where I made more strides than I ever had only to have it come crashing down around me to the point where I am now in the worst position of my life. I often wonder why I am still alive just to be living like this. This disease is just cruel. So very cruel. But somehow I manage to have a little bit of hope. Maybe tomorrow will be the day it all changes. Maybe the next med. Maybe the next therapy appt. will be the one that breaks it all wide open. Always maybe and always tomorrow if not today. Give yourself tomorrow.
Posted by AuntieMel on June 7, 2004, at 23:19:57
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
I like spanking(grin an evil grin)
Posted by partlycloudy on June 8, 2004, at 6:59:16
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
Here are many tight, close, breath-defying hugs to you both. Racer, I agree with KK, and I know that another p-doc is probably in order. Of course, that doesn't help you now, but I truly believe that he's the one with the problem, not you. And Antigua, every day we wake up is another victory. Please don't let this slimey black monster drag you further down. Our meds, therapy and babble combine to be a big stick with which to beat depression.
I have had a rough few days and no longer trust any "good" ones I have. I have tried pretending to be OK and just carrying on as if nothing's wrong, but that's not true and it doesn't feel right to lie to the world, to myself. So I'm having a bad day? If I make it through without crying in public, that's a victory. If I can shop for a few items in a grocery store without gasping with panic for 5 minutes, that's a victory.
Our wins are measured in slight, insignificant measures. Reaching out to Babble is a very powerful thing. Take the strength you find here and take it to your heart. We can only get through this together. The monster wants to isolate us from our families, from our friends, from the world outside. The love and care you get from all of us will help you heal and recover.
Posted by fallsfall on June 8, 2004, at 7:16:54
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
We need you.
Posted by cubic_me on June 8, 2004, at 7:17:05
In reply to Re: I give up - Racer and Antigua, posted by partlycloudy on June 8, 2004, at 6:59:16
I totally agree with the others here - your life is worth fighting for. You've got through this before and you can get through it again.
Like you said when you talked about fastening your seatbelt, there is something keeping you here. Even if you don't know what it is, there's a part of you that doesn't want to die yet - try to hold on to that.
I tried to end my life 3 months ago, and when I look back on it, things now aren't any different to how they were then - it is just my preception of them that is a little better at the moment.
You've got your hubby and your couple's T to help you through, and if I remember rightly you ride horses. Despite the effort it seems, going for a long gallop can really clear your mind and get you in touch with reality again.
((((Racer)))
Posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 9:19:24
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
I feel your pain I too give up, sometime when I get like this i tell myself maybe I'll do it the next day. by the time the next day comes I can't do it. but if the next day comes and you still feel this way go to the ER and be safe. I wish we all could find that magic pill to feel better, but each day there coming out w/ new meds, try and hold on there's a med out there that will help you. I wish there was more that I could say, it hard to tell someone not to do anything when the other is thinking the samething. you know if the dr.'s that try to help us went through this pain there would be meds that work. keep buckling up your seat belt ther's hope out there, my thoughts are w/ you. kellyr.
Posted by Poet on June 8, 2004, at 15:09:03
In reply to I give up, posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 9, 2004, at 9:15:01
In reply to Re: I give up - Racer and Antigua, posted by partlycloudy on June 8, 2004, at 6:59:16
I'm not far behind you in the way I feel right now, but I'm fighting, I still have hope.
I know what it feels like to put out effort, Effort, EFFORT... and have it all crash down. Not only do you have to start over, you have to clean up the mess of everything that crashed down first. And that just stinks.
Right now nothing would make me happier than curling up in a blanket and hiding in a locked closet in a dark room in the far end of my house... nothing, that is, except feeling better and standing up to this damned condition that I didn't ask for and don't want and do not need.
Our life experiences are withoit a doubt different, but our symptoms, or fears, and our desires to be well are not so different at all.
We didn't ask for this. But in the end, we have to deal with this and accept that it is part of who we are, and since no one else in the world really "understands" this unless they have it themselves, it's going to be up to us to make it through.
I know depression is a terrible disease and it's not something we "make up". Trying to help yourself while your own mind is trying to kill you isn't exactly "best case" scenario. But don't let it win. Find another doc. Find another T. Find another ANYTHING... but don't give up. Look to friends, family, etc. They can't "fix" anything and probably won't make you feel any better, but they will give you an anchor, even if that anchor is guilt (I can't kill myself because "insert name here" needs me or will miss me). Nope, I'm not above guilting someone into holding on. The same thing kept me here in 2001, 2003, and 2004. I'm fighting this, and yes it sucks... but there is no alternative. I'm not going to die from this, and no one else should either. Not while there is hope, not while there is still a chance. And where there is life, there is hope, there is a chance.
I'm rambling on because this is so close to where I am right now and I'll be honest, a lot of this is to convince myself that I'm not just full of crap spewing righteous-sounding edicts but really all I want to do is put a bullet in my head. In reality, I do. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to and I'm going to do everything I can do to make sure I never get to that point.
Part of not doing myself is being there for other people, feeling wanted and needed. You don't know me, never will really "know" me, but I hurt for you both so much because I KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL, and it's in the "top 10 list of things a person should never have to feel in their lifetime" sort of thing. And because I know your kind of pain, your brand of hopelessness, your version of giving up, I have to do something, anything... because if I can't help someone who hurts the same way I do, how can I help myself?
Please find an anchor and hold on, weather this storm. You know things change. You know that. All you have to do right now is make it through this. Don't try to "fix" it, don't try to "make it 100% better", just survive the "right now". If you can do that, you'll find calmer seas shortly and you can work from there to "fix" things. Right now... just make it.
Please.
Posted by antigua on June 9, 2004, at 12:14:50
In reply to Racer and Antigua, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 9, 2004, at 9:15:01
This is the end of the thread.
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