Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 9, 2004, at 9:15:01
In reply to Re: I give up - Racer and Antigua, posted by partlycloudy on June 8, 2004, at 6:59:16
I'm not far behind you in the way I feel right now, but I'm fighting, I still have hope.
I know what it feels like to put out effort, Effort, EFFORT... and have it all crash down. Not only do you have to start over, you have to clean up the mess of everything that crashed down first. And that just stinks.
Right now nothing would make me happier than curling up in a blanket and hiding in a locked closet in a dark room in the far end of my house... nothing, that is, except feeling better and standing up to this damned condition that I didn't ask for and don't want and do not need.
Our life experiences are withoit a doubt different, but our symptoms, or fears, and our desires to be well are not so different at all.
We didn't ask for this. But in the end, we have to deal with this and accept that it is part of who we are, and since no one else in the world really "understands" this unless they have it themselves, it's going to be up to us to make it through.
I know depression is a terrible disease and it's not something we "make up". Trying to help yourself while your own mind is trying to kill you isn't exactly "best case" scenario. But don't let it win. Find another doc. Find another T. Find another ANYTHING... but don't give up. Look to friends, family, etc. They can't "fix" anything and probably won't make you feel any better, but they will give you an anchor, even if that anchor is guilt (I can't kill myself because "insert name here" needs me or will miss me). Nope, I'm not above guilting someone into holding on. The same thing kept me here in 2001, 2003, and 2004. I'm fighting this, and yes it sucks... but there is no alternative. I'm not going to die from this, and no one else should either. Not while there is hope, not while there is still a chance. And where there is life, there is hope, there is a chance.
I'm rambling on because this is so close to where I am right now and I'll be honest, a lot of this is to convince myself that I'm not just full of crap spewing righteous-sounding edicts but really all I want to do is put a bullet in my head. In reality, I do. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to and I'm going to do everything I can do to make sure I never get to that point.
Part of not doing myself is being there for other people, feeling wanted and needed. You don't know me, never will really "know" me, but I hurt for you both so much because I KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL, and it's in the "top 10 list of things a person should never have to feel in their lifetime" sort of thing. And because I know your kind of pain, your brand of hopelessness, your version of giving up, I have to do something, anything... because if I can't help someone who hurts the same way I do, how can I help myself?
Please find an anchor and hold on, weather this storm. You know things change. You know that. All you have to do right now is make it through this. Don't try to "fix" it, don't try to "make it 100% better", just survive the "right now". If you can do that, you'll find calmer seas shortly and you can work from there to "fix" things. Right now... just make it.
poster:Scott in Vermont