Posted by Racer on June 7, 2004, at 18:32:26
I just give up.
OK, for all that I can't stand to keep trying, and for all that I don't want to live anymore, I still buckle my seat belt, so some part of me obviously wants to live, right?
My aunt is fond of saying that, if you don't know what your options are, you don't have any options. That's not quite where I am, but it is analogous to it. I do not have access to alternate psychopharmacological treatment at this time. The pdoc I can see won't address the problems I've had with meds, and just says that if I have any side effects I can't put up with, stop the drugs. He won't even discuss the side effects as if they're real, just says, "OK, stop taking it." Then he'll tell me that nothing is working for me, and the implication that it's my fault is pretty damn clear. I think he needs a good spanking.
Adding to my distress, I just told my husband today to do something that I'd been avoiding. It's something that's got me so upset I don't want to share it here, but it is a very significant step, one that really does carry the symbolic meaning that I've given up getting my life back.
So now I'm facing an even bleaker picture of the future, and can't seem to care about anything. Tomorrow I've got an appointment to have my hair cut, and that means that I'll have to leave the house and pretend to be normal. That's hard to face in my current state.
Oh, yeah, and I'm absolutely beating myself up for not doing this or that or the next thing to improve my situation. You know, "But if you'd get off your lazy @$$ and exercise, you'd feel better -- you're just lying there on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself, when you could fix it yourself if you'd only do it." You know the routine?
Thanks for letting me whine. Damn the doc. And just in case anyone cares, I do think there are plenty of options left in the meds catagory, but making one work would require that he actually admit that things like falling down from hypotension might be serious enough -- from a strictly subjective viewpoint, of course, since there's no objective problem with it -- to cause significant distress. Ten months ago, I failed to end my own life. The only difference between then and now is that I've lost even more.
OK, I'm done whining for a while.