![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 322 to 346 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 13:57:36
In reply to Re: Sandy » Zena, posted by SandyWeb on May 17, 2004, at 13:30:14
Sandy, I'm sorry if it sounded like I/we were trying to push you in any direction. If there is anything I can do to help you - say look for local resources for you (Nova Scotia, right?) I would be more than happy to.
I know that when I have been in the depths, I couldn't fathom where to start with my problems. Again, it would be my pleasure to give you a hand.
Take care,
partlycloudy.
Posted by mystic on May 17, 2004, at 18:37:34
In reply to Re: Sandy » Zena, posted by SandyWeb on May 17, 2004, at 13:30:14
Wow
Posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 18:53:07
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 17, 2004, at 18:37:34
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:34:32
In reply to What can I do? (nm), posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 18:53:07
I want to apologize for that outburst. It actually wasn't directed at any of you. I was very, very upset at myself for not being able to explain myself to you guys. I tried to explain something that was hurting me a lot, and I could tell from the responses that I hadn't done a good job of it. And, unfortunately, I seem to over-react lately to situations. Believe it or not, I'm actually a very CALM person. Lol. You'd never know that now.
Okay, onward and forward. As for seeking help. Well, I've done about all I can do other than go into "talk therapy". I'm not too excited with that idea for three reasons. 1. I don't explain myself well (haa haa), and thus I would lead the therapist in the wrong direction and then I'd get so frustrated and angry at myself and dig myself in even further. Argh! I can feel the blood pressure rising already. *smile* 2. I don't have much desire to open myself up to someone who doesn't reciprocate, you know? It's difficult to expose so much of yourself to one person. I know it's not a "friend-friend" relationship, but I've found myself extremely disadvantaged when I've let another know too much about me....and they've known how to use that against me. Not going to happen again. 3. And finally, I don't have much reason to believe that talk therapy would change a whit of anything. All it would do would be to make me see just how really hopeless it is. And, no...I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just know what the situation is, and I've been over it and over it. I don't need to actually voice it to another person and make myself feel even WORSE than I already do. And there aren't any answers...I just have to accept this new life...which I don't think I can do. But talking about it....naw. There's got to be better things to do than wallow.
As for other ways of helping myself, I've done a few things. I did eventually send in the appeal to get the Welfare reinstated. I waited until the last minute, and I think that was a self-damaging type action. But I did send the letter in, so HOPEFULLY we'll hear before too long that the money will be forthcoming.
I received the application for volunteering with Victim Services, but I haven't mailed it back yet. I'm scared that my recent history will destroy all hopes of getting on with them. All those calls were posted as "Suicide Attempt" on my information (I was shown this), so you know that won't go over too well. Also, my recent grades at school, my recent rents, and my recent bill payments won't go good for me. ALSO, they require 3 references....and I don't have any. I haven't a clue as to what to do about that. So, I think I would come off horribly on paper. And I really, really want to apply since they are recruiting right now.....but I don't know how I'd react if I got turned down.....and I fear they wouldn't even look twice at me. I'm scared to take the chance.
I've actually looked up jobs through Unemployment, but it gets rather depressing when I see that all I really qualify for are back-breaking, mind-dulling minimum wage jobs. I don't think I would last very long if I applied for any of those simply because I'd just stop going to work. But....at least I'm looking. Maybe I'll find something exciting by chance.
I would go to the food bank, but I don't have a car and I've put aside my relationship with my sister for the time being. She would come in and take me over for food, but since that pdoc made me tell my sister too much....I just can't be around her right now. It was a mistake. I knew I was crossing the line with that one, but I wanted out of that hospital sooo badly. It just all goes back to not letting anyone know too much about me.....and even though I trust my sister....it's just something I can't deal with. It's a self-preservation thing, I guess. Something I've learned from long ago. So...without my sister's vehicle, I can't get any food to my place. We have a grocery store right in our back yard here, so I just push the shopping cart right in. Talk about conveinence, huh? Lol. But I don't have the means to get anything from the food bank here....and I'm much too humiliated to ask for anyone's help. But we have enough, I guess.
Anyways, I just wanted to apologize again for coming across so harshly. It wasn't directed at you at all. I was so angry at me! I was thinking, "That's what I get for trying to explain something that's important to me." I do a real lousy job of it, especially when I don't even include all the information in it. I hope you can all forgive me for going psycho on you. I was just ready to throw the towel in at that point. I was so darn fed up with how my life was turning out.
I don't care too much for myself right now, and I'm not sure how long this will last. I do certainly see changes that I've gone through since this whole business started at the end of March, and I hope that I reach more of a stable level before too much longer. I guess I'm a work in progress. *smile* Hey, maybe I'll turn out to be a masterpiece when all is said and done!!
Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
Take care,
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on May 18, 2004, at 17:35:27
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on May 16, 2004, at 20:32:47
Hi Sandy -
I've been out for several days, so have missed much. I like your post to Jlynne about what you're feeling: at the end of your dreams, no goals, etc. I liked it cuz you're being very honest and I can see right where you are.When dreams die you have to grieve them, that's for sure. So, you are in this position right now: no money, no degree, no immediate prospects. You could be a cashier at the grocery store or clean hotel rooms, but that isn't going to pay the bills particularly well. Im assuming you don't feel well enough to take on a full time job anyway, due to your mental state. You don't feel like THAT condition will change, therefore how will you ever find a job? Is that about right?
OK, so from my vantage point, I don't believe it. But I do believe you believe it on a certain level!
So, we need to brainstorm with you to think of what to do next. You need to have a plan to get your mental state in a better place first. Then, we all know, everything else will fall into place after that. You've let yourself grieve over the loss of a cherished dream. It is now time to let us push you into helping you help yourself.
I work with correctional facilities. They are always looking for teachers & counselors and there are some positions that don't require degrees - just training. What sorts of things have you looked at in the social services field? You are well-suited for that from what I can tell. What about tech jobs in hospitals that require little training or where the hospital will train you. There is a severe shortage of x-ray techs here in the States.
Yes, this is the recruiter in me coming out. If you want, I will help you make some contacts up in your area.
Jlynne is right, you are a very strong, very intelligent person. This can't be IT for you. You will have a future whether it's one you want or not - because time keeps going on and you can't seem to make it stop :-) (for which I'm very grateful!!!) Why not re-group, get a new plan and have a say in your future instead of letting it overtake you and have your future decided for you.
Please accept my words in the way they are meant - with much love and a kick in the pants :-). If you were my best friend and sitting next to me, I would be saying these words with my arm around your shoulder, my hand in yours and a carton of chocolate ice cream on the table in front of us :-). Please let us help or go to the resources you know might be able to help you. Please. You & your kids are worth it!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Jlynne,
>
> You're a sweetie and I appreciate all the love notes you've sent, but I don't think you quite understand. I can't tell you how much it means to have someone in your corner, but....you keep mentioning about when I get through this and how much better it will be. But you know what? This IS it. I'm really horrible at trying to explain things, but I'll try.
>
> Here I am at halfway through my life, and I don't have anything to show for it. The first 39 years have been filled with a lot of nasty and quite traumatic experiences, but.....there was always the future. There was always the knowledge that everything I was learning along the way would be used for a better purpose when I reached the goal. There was hope. There was that "something" to keep fighting towards. And so you could throw as much junk at me as you wanted, and I was going to survive....simply because there was a goal to reach....and all that junk would make me a better person when I got to the goal.....and all that junk would make me stronger in order to give back to others when I reached that goal.....
>
> And the "goal" didn't necessarily have to be nursing. That felt right after SwissAir. It fulfilled the goal. It was a means to give back, and I could utilize everything I'd experienced with the wide varity of patients I'd encounter. But it could have just as well been social work or probation officer. I was meant to be the "good guy", you know? Why else would I see so much badness, other than to turn that around and help others?
>
> So each new experience was not necessarily welcomed (lol!), but it certainly wasn't going to destroy me. There was a reason for me to see this or go through that. It would enable me to have a better understanding of a particular patient.
>
> But now I'm at the halfway point....and I've lost it all. There are no more funds for ANY type of education. I have a ton of university courses under my belt....but no degree. And....that's the end of that. It's not like I can save up for it. Ha! That part of my life is over. So I can't work in any field that I thought I was supposed to be in. My experiences are for nil.
>
> I can't afford this apartment anymore. In fact, here we are at May 16th, and I still haven't paid the rent and don't even have a notion as to when to expect any money. I did finally turn in the appeal, but.....who knows?
>
> The police horse is now in the city, and Carly will be able to start helping with him soon. But....we can't live here anymore. So, I'll have to take this away from her and she is sooo excited to work with Justice.
>
> I didn't pay one bill last month, just so we could have groceries. Groceries are gone now, no money, and bills are due again.
>
> What job can I get? I could be a chamber maid. I suppose I could be a cashier. And do you really think I'm going to work my butt off for the next 39 years, doing something that feels like death?? I might as well take death, you know.
>
> It's just not like this is a funk that I'm going to get out of. This IS my life now. I have to accept that. And you know what? I CAN'T. I just can't believe that this is my life. I can't believe that. I mean, I fought for so long to get to this point.....and now it's over. I've lost it all. There's no getting over this little slump. It's not like I have to weather through this depression. There's nothing on the other side. I fought, and I lost. I can't do another 39 years without that "goal". And the "goal" is never coming back. I am so incredibly sad. And there's no way around it because....well, I guess because the fight is over. I lost it all. I really can't stand this.
>
> You know, I took another overdose a couple of nights ago. I've had such luck with those! *sigh* But this time I was zapping in the head, and my legs were buckling, and I felt like I was going to have seizure after seizure. And guess what? I just end up sleeping it off for a couple of days. You have no idea the "disappointment" that I felt to wake up to this same old life. The soul fights hard to stick around, doesn't it? I wonder why.
>
> Anyways, I just wanted to TRY to explain this to you. I really do love you for cheerleading me on. *smile* And I'm happy that you made it through your own dark night. But I've lost my purpose, you know? I am who I am......which isn't much, believe me.....and not who I thought I was supposed to be. What was the point of everything then? I really don't want to die. Belive me, I've come through enough crap to know that I deserve to be here. *smile* And I know that my heart wants to be there for others....because sometimes that's all it takes....someone who gets it. And life IS worth living. But.....there's noplace else for me to go. I've run out of options. I can't spend the second half of my life receiving welfare and watching tv. And I don't have an education. One cop said that there certainly was a place for me because of all of the things I'd been through.....but did he tell me what that place was? I have no where to go. I can't find any answers.
>
> Maybe I'll check out Open later tonight.
>
> Take care. You've stuck by me for longer than was necessary. Thanks, Jlynne.
>
> Hugs,
> Sandy
>
>
>
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:43:35
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 18, 2004, at 17:35:27
Lynne,
Your message came just as I posted a message. Funny how we are online at the same time.
I gotta tell ya: You made my eyes water.
((Lynne))
Thanks for being so nice to me.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 18, 2004, at 17:35:27
Me again Lynne,
> When dreams die you have to grieve them, that's for sure.<
But you know what? It's not just the loss of a dream....because remember that the "nursing" dream didn't even come into being until 1998. It's not just the loss of a dream, but the loss of:
*getting off Welfare in 2 more years
*being a productive member of society in 2 more years
*having a career that is worthwhile and I'm PROUD to be a part of in 2 more years
*finally GIVING BACK in 2 more years
*finally being able to introduce myself to people because I don't have to hide that I'm on Welfare
*maybe even keep my eyes open for that special guy, someone to grow old with, because I don't have to hide anymore due to Welfare
*being able to get my teeth fixed in 2 more years (all Welfare wants to do is pull...forget about filling or capping or even cleaning!)
*losing those last years of my kids living at home and me being able to AFFORD them (lol!)...you know, buying them goodies and affording to have them involved with organizations and having sleepoversI lost my foothold, and now I don't have a timeframe as to when I can ever stop looking down at the ground and just blending in and hiding. Like I said before, you tend to isolate yourself when on Welfare....who wants to always be asked what you do for a living?
It's funny that you mentioned x-ray technologists. That's what hubby did. Although he went to school for 2-years to get his degree. I can't imagine on-the-job training now. But, that doesn't interest me much anyways.....even though I did a fair share of his papers for him. Lol!!!
I've always had an interest in corrections and criminal justice. Go figure my job in California, huh? Lol. Did I ever tell you that I heard a cop get shot? It was at my job, and we had sent a dispatch to a garage that was broken into. For some reason, the partners split up when they arrived. This officer walked around a corner alone, came upon the 2nd bad guy unexpectedly, and the bad guy shot him almost point blank in the chest. One shot, and three screams from the cop. He had a vest on, but it's nothing like television. The 2nd bad guy tore off in a car, and I remember how silent it got. I'm not sure what his partner was doing. He had apprehended the first bad guy, and obviously heard the gunfire and his buddy screaming. Just three screams. But they were awful. One short scream when he was first hit, and then two longish screams of terror and pain. Anyways, he survived!!!! But his heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital. The bullet didn't go through the vest, but massively bruised his chest. He never really wanted to go out on calls for quite some time after that. Who can blame him? And the cops caught that bad guy. He somehow got his arm broken or dislocated (can't remember which). Official story was that he fell when being apprehended. They thought the officer was going to die. ANYWAYS, my two "angels" were talking about my old job one time, and I happened to mention that story. Then I got the darn screams stuck in my head again. Argh. Funny how we do that to ourselves.
Don't know how I got onto that with you. Lol.
I think I'll go get myself a chocolate poptart!!! Yummy!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:26
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:43:35
If I can help find any resources for you from where I am, I would love to be able to help. I know what shame is, I know how it is when dreams shatter or fade away. I know what it is to say too much to someone in your family, and then you can't say anything else. i know what it's like to look for a job that isn't too much but has to be enough. (I ended up getting a job answering phones. So far, I have tried to mess it up but THEY have faith in ME! How misplaced!)
Sandy, you *are* in a better place than you were in March, there is no doubt. And you know you can speak to us here at Babble. And sometimes you have to write something out a few times before you find the articulation you are looking for.
Posted by jlynne on May 18, 2004, at 20:11:14
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 18, 2004, at 17:35:27
Sandy, Lynne is a good friend and I am glad she is back for you. When I read your posts to each other it is like watching two good friends work things out together. I think if you lived near each other you would be *buddies*:~) Now you have an *e-angel*.
Thank you for writing back to us and being honest with what you are feeling; I appreciate it more than you can know.
((((HUGS)))) ((((Sandy)))) ((((Lynne))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 21:21:19
In reply to My offer still stands » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:26
Hi partlycloudy,
You should be here tonight. It is pouring raining. I'd rather have partly cloudy. *smile*
Thanks for the offer. If I get to that spot, I'll certainly come running to you. But right now I just need to take it slow. I found out today that I don't know which way I'm headed from one week to the next. I'll let you know what I mean by that on Thursday.
By the way, I left you a message in the Books section.
Thanks for reaching out to me. I do appreciate it.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by Simus on May 19, 2004, at 0:52:58
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
Sandy,
It says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
God has a good plan for your life, whether or not you can see it now. And it is NEVER too late for God to make a difference in your life and to use you. He will surprise you if you let Him.
Isaiah 61:3 says "He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory."
Do you have any ashes that you would like to exchange for beauty, or any mourning or despair that could be exchanged for joy and praise?
Don't bother trying to convince me that these promises don't apply to you, or that your circumstances are just too bad, because I am already in faith concerning your future and I chose to see God's view of your situation instead of yours. Like me or not, believe me or not, that's just the way it is.
You NEED people in your life to stand with you and see you through this. Please reconsider and call the number of the church I gave you. It isn't that far away. Just swallow your pride one more time and ask for a ride to church for you and your children, at least once. If you do this just once, I will never bring it up again.
God bless.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 19, 2004, at 12:37:33
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 18, 2004, at 20:11:14
Hi all,
My case worker just left. I filled out the paperwork, and we'll be reinstated on Welfare by the end of next week. All signed up for another year. *sigh* I'm glad some of the finances are taken care of, but I feel demoralized by how I had to get there. I had to pretty well sign away every right I was ever born with. Such is the case of one who lives off the hard work of others.
We've been having a stand-off in our quiet little neighborhood since last night. Apparently the police went to a house at midnight last night to serve an apprehension notice from Child Protective Services, and the gentleman wouldn't let them in. He shot at them around 2am. And the whole area has been closed off since midnight with police, swat team, paramedics. The local junior high school wasn't opened today. And the whole thing makes me want to cry. I don't know why. Something about someone in enough pain to barricade himself in and shoot at the police, and the police wanting to end it peacefully without him getting hurt. And it feels like a hopeless situation....he knows he's going to be arrested, he knows he has just made matters so much more worse, he's angry and depressed and you know he must be having suicidal thoughts. And yet we work so hard to try and prevent someone taking their own life. Even though they were coming to arrest him last night, today they are trying to keep him alive. And sirens....all the time you hear sirens.
http://novascotia.cbc.ca/regional/servlet/View?filename=ns_standoff20040519
So, a little draining today.
And my mum wants us to get together as a family soon to celebrate my dad's birthday. I'm just not ready for that type of closeness yet. I still just want to be alone.
I'm just very, very tired.
I'll chat with you all later.
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on May 19, 2004, at 16:51:39
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:43:35
Hi Sandy - Thanks for your note! I signed off right after I sent my last message to you. Your response made me smile when I read it this morning!
You've had quite the exciting day it seems. I am SOOOOOO glad you have signed all your papers. What a relief. I can't really imagine how you feel, being on welfare. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I have really been lucky to have this job for so many years. Have you looked for jobs through the internet? What about a work-from-home job? With your medical background, could you do medical transcription? That's something you can do at home, arranging your own hours.
Hey, I don't think that you are the stereotypical welfare mom, living off the work of others! I know you are so hard-working & conscientious and hate this situation. Anyone who would meet you and talk to you for awhile would realize that!! You have in the past, and will again, contribute in the typical way to society. Life is like a bank - you make deposits during one part of your life so you can make withdrawals when you need to!!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lynne,
>
> Your message came just as I posted a message. Funny how we are online at the same time.
>
> I gotta tell ya: You made my eyes water.
>
> ((Lynne))
>
> Thanks for being so nice to me.
>
> Sandy
>
Posted by LynneDa on May 19, 2004, at 17:07:34
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
Sandy - this is such a succinct, poignant, wonderfully written post. You have a way with words. I don't know why you think you're not good at explaining yourself. If only we could write our way through life (LOL)! That's how I am, my thoughts get very tangled up when I'm distressed & try to explain them out loud. Like partlycloudy said, writing things out does tend to lead to clarity.
That is such a sad story, about the cop. Being a part of that environment does change you in a certain way, you don't look at things the same way anymore.
Here's your new 2-year plan: Within 6 months you will find a decent-paying job, get your foothold there and get promoted within the following 12 months. Then, you can do the things for your kids that you want. Along the way, you'll meet many exciting and wonderful men (ok, maybe they'll just be basically nice!) who will lavish you with gifts and attention - only you won't want any of them and you'll break their hearts and move on til you find the right one.
That's what I want to see happen to you and there is no reason it can't. Those are just the basics, you can embellish as you wish! I will be here to support you however I can. You're sounding much better lately. I hope that's a good sign!
I tried to decrease my med dose the past 5 days. It wasn't a pretty sight, so back up to 20 mg I go!
Oh well, wish I could talk more, but have to go get the kiddies. Hope you have a great night!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Me again Lynne,
>
> > When dreams die you have to grieve them, that's for sure.<
>
> But you know what? It's not just the loss of a dream....because remember that the "nursing" dream didn't even come into being until 1998. It's not just the loss of a dream, but the loss of:
>
> *getting off Welfare in 2 more years
> *being a productive member of society in 2 more years
> *having a career that is worthwhile and I'm PROUD to be a part of in 2 more years
> *finally GIVING BACK in 2 more years
> *finally being able to introduce myself to people because I don't have to hide that I'm on Welfare
> *maybe even keep my eyes open for that special guy, someone to grow old with, because I don't have to hide anymore due to Welfare
> *being able to get my teeth fixed in 2 more years (all Welfare wants to do is pull...forget about filling or capping or even cleaning!)
> *losing those last years of my kids living at home and me being able to AFFORD them (lol!)...you know, buying them goodies and affording to have them involved with organizations and having sleepovers
>
> I lost my foothold, and now I don't have a timeframe as to when I can ever stop looking down at the ground and just blending in and hiding. Like I said before, you tend to isolate yourself when on Welfare....who wants to always be asked what you do for a living?
>
> It's funny that you mentioned x-ray technologists. That's what hubby did. Although he went to school for 2-years to get his degree. I can't imagine on-the-job training now. But, that doesn't interest me much anyways.....even though I did a fair share of his papers for him. Lol!!!
>
> I've always had an interest in corrections and criminal justice. Go figure my job in California, huh? Lol. Did I ever tell you that I heard a cop get shot? It was at my job, and we had sent a dispatch to a garage that was broken into. For some reason, the partners split up when they arrived. This officer walked around a corner alone, came upon the 2nd bad guy unexpectedly, and the bad guy shot him almost point blank in the chest. One shot, and three screams from the cop. He had a vest on, but it's nothing like television. The 2nd bad guy tore off in a car, and I remember how silent it got. I'm not sure what his partner was doing. He had apprehended the first bad guy, and obviously heard the gunfire and his buddy screaming. Just three screams. But they were awful. One short scream when he was first hit, and then two longish screams of terror and pain. Anyways, he survived!!!! But his heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital. The bullet didn't go through the vest, but massively bruised his chest. He never really wanted to go out on calls for quite some time after that. Who can blame him? And the cops caught that bad guy. He somehow got his arm broken or dislocated (can't remember which). Official story was that he fell when being apprehended. They thought the officer was going to die. ANYWAYS, my two "angels" were talking about my old job one time, and I happened to mention that story. Then I got the darn screams stuck in my head again. Argh. Funny how we do that to ourselves.
>
> Don't know how I got onto that with you. Lol.
>
> I think I'll go get myself a chocolate poptart!!! Yummy!
>
> Hugs,
>
> Sandy
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Posted by lonelygirl on May 19, 2004, at 18:15:48
In reply to Re: Sandy » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 18:28:06
Sandy,
I write now with the authority of someone with a B.S. degree -- hehe... B.S.... get it? -- ;). Anyway, I think my former psychologist would say that this looks like a case of "all-or-nothing thinking." It looks like you had a goal and a time frame for reaching that goal, but now that you have gotten off track from that, you sort of feel like you've completely failed and that now everything is totally hopeless. Is that sort of accurate?
Well, I hope I'm not way off base on that. It looks like that 2-year time frame was pretty important to you -- like you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and now, you feel like the light is gone (bear with me; I'm not very good at making up clever metaphors). But you should realize 2 things. First of all, just because you may have lost your dream of nursing, that doesn't mean you can't reach these goals in some other way. I know LynnDa has given you some other career-related suggestions for you to think about, and you mentioned in another post that you've been looking for other jobs, so that's a good start. Secondly, if you don't reach all of these goals in just 2 years, it doesn't mean you failed. 2 years from now, maybe you won't be off welfare yet (and all the other things you listed), but if in 2 years you have made progress towards reaching your goals in another year, that would still be great. What I'm trying to say is, just because you may not reach your goals in the exact way and the exact time frame you originally wanted, it doesn't mean that all is lost.
I also wanted to respond to something you said in another post ("I'm Sorry") about talk therapy. I was forced to go to talk therapy several times throughout my childhood, and I hated it. It didn't help, and I resented the fact that everyone was ignoring my concrete problems and basically telling me it was all just in my head -- and that everything can magically be solved just by "talking about it." But as you probably know, I was forced into talk therapy again this year, and this time was really different. My psychologist is a cognitive-behavioral therapist and he approaches everything in a very logical, rational way. If you could find someone like my former psychologist, I honestly think it would be really helpful to you. Once you sort out exactly what your problems and obstacles are, and what you are going to need to do to overcome them, maybe it will feel just a little less overwhelming.
P.S. I'm trying to find you some information on St. Vincent de Paul, because they run food banks and at least some of them do home deliveries, so you might see if they can help you since you have trouble getting transportation to the food bank.
Posted by lonelygirl on May 20, 2004, at 9:35:35
In reply to I'm Sorry, posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:34:32
Ok, Sandy, I looked into St. Vincent de Paul in your area a little... Since I don't know exactly where you live, I can't find the nearest SVDP food bank, but I e-mailed a couple of churches in your area and they recommended calling the nearest Catholic church, as most of them have a St. Vincent de Paul Society, or can give you the number of the nearest one. One person said if he knows where you live, he can tell you the church to call. I'll e-mail you with his address. You don't have to be Catholic, by the way, to get their services.
Do you know when your welfare is going to be reinstated? Does the welfare provide enough money for bills and groceries? I know you try hard to make sure your kids have what they need, so I hope you'll think about calling SVDP for help. They make home visits so they can bring the food to you. I can't speak for everyone at every SVDP chapter in the world, but at least the ones I've known are compassionate and understanding, and will not look down on you for being on welfare. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to take that step in asking for help, but I hope you realize that they want to help you, and that's why they're there, and they won't think anything less of you for needing it.
Ok, check your e-mail soon... I hope you've having a good day. Haven't seen you in Open for a while, by the way; hope to see you there again some time. Now I'm only 1 hour off your time zone.
Posted by LynneDa on May 20, 2004, at 13:19:50
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by lonelygirl on May 19, 2004, at 18:15:48
Hi everyone! I just want to say thanks to Simus, Jlynne, partlycloudy & lonelygirl. I love reading all your posts. Even though they're meant for Sandy, they are wonderful, insightful thoughts that are really helpful to all of us!!!
Sandy, my last post was a little Pollyanna-ish wasn't it?!?! Sorry for that, but I'd taken my 20mg dose a little bit before that and was feeling so much better than I had - just bursting with hope and good wishes (ha ha!). But, realistically, I hope we can talk about some job options for you. Let me know how it's going. If you need any resume tips, I see literally hundreds of them a year and can give you some ideas if you need it.
I'm heading to Atlanta this weekend, leaving tonight, so I won't be on-line til next Monday or Tuesday. Take good care and I hope you have a nice weekend with the kids. Is their school year ending soon? Mine get out on June 10. I'll be sending good thoughts your way :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by partlycloudy on May 20, 2004, at 14:00:41
In reply to Re: Sandy group » lonelygirl, posted by LynneDa on May 20, 2004, at 13:19:50
Me, too. I'm headed to Orlando for the weekend so I'll be around tomorrow (Friday) but then gone until Monday.
hugs all around - but none of that group stuff!! You all deserve your very own hug!
Posted by SandyWeb on May 20, 2004, at 22:27:20
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 4:57:53
.....THE day. But it didn't happen, as you can see.
I had settled on the 20th about three weeks ago, after the OD episode in the hospital. Child Tax comes on the 20th of each month, which is a government allowance for people with children. I knew the bills could be paid, and as luck would have it, Welfare was getting reinstated soon too.
At first is was just a general plan, but as time passed it became much more concrete. I knew where I was going, what I was doing. I was going out with a bang! I was actually going to town partying, maybe even find me a little sex (lol!), and then I had a place and a way.
And even though I could stop going back and forth in my mind (since a decision was already made), it still was an odd three weeks.
Then, a couple of days ago, my thinking changed. Pretty much overnight. I really don't know why, but I didn't feel any type of satisfaction with my decision anymore. It just wasn't going to happen. And I almost felt like I wanted to grieve the end of the plan. The plan was what helped me make it through the past weeks. Now, again, I was rather left in limbo-land. But I knew that "the plan" wasn't part of my plan anymore. *smile*
It's interesting how close one can come to actually doing something that may not feel right by the next day. If my date had been for the 18th, would I be dead now because my thinking process hadn't changed by then? I don't see what really would have stopped me. I was actually looking forward to going out of this world partying. Gosh, wonder if I even still know how to party at 39?? Lol.
So, today has been a little bitter sweet. My anchor pulled up and left me stranded planless again. *wink* Whatever shall I do?
I put out four emails to local organizations that I am interested in volunteering my time with. I still have not heard one response back. That's rather disheartening.
I went on the University's website tonight and saw the list of students graduating next week. A bunch of them I know from the first year of nursing, when I wasn't in the program yet but the Nursing Department actually let me take a couple courses. (The following year I was admitted into the Advanced Standing option...taking the first 2 years in 1 year...and then the final 2 years in 2 years). So...I would have been graduating with these people if I hadn't taken the 2 Leave of Absences. I knew a lot of the people. It hurt to see some of their names listed and Bachelor of Science Nursing beside it. It really hurt. What happened to me?
Oh, and that stand-off is still going on here. A husband, wife, elderly mum, and a 5-month old girl. Over 48-hours now. I guess my guys are probably in the thick of it. I hope everyone is doing okay over there.
Sorry I've been quiet today. It was so odd not to actually be putting into place this plan that was already engrained in my mind as seeming to already have taken place. You know? I mean, it was just such a fixture of my thought for the past 3 weeks. And then...a couple days before...my brain decides to play tricks with me and bail out! Lol. It rather left me with an empty shell. What to do now??
Tell me.....the ones who have been through suicidal episodes.....how long before you finally could say that you were doing okay? How long before you felt safe with yourself? I've never been suicidal in my life, and it just seems like it hangs on with such tenacity once it claims you.
Time for bed. Take care all!
Sandra
Posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
In reply to Today was........, posted by SandyWeb on May 20, 2004, at 22:27:20
Sandy, I am grateful that circumstances change, intentions change direction, things slip our minds at the best time... and most grateful that you are with us.
I have not been suicidal. Just looked longingly at cemeteries and craved the peace there.
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 9:48:24
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
Hi pc,
Thanks for writing back. Believe me, I don't mind that you've never been suicidal. *smile*
My library books will be delivered this afternoon. I'll let you know when they arrive. I won't start reading "our" book until you get your copy. Does anyone else want to join in with us? We're going to be reading a book together: "The Light of Day".
I apologize for not getting back to everyone. I know that I need to respond to Simus, lonelygirl, jlynne, LynneDa...and probably others, but I just can't think right now....and I want to thank you all for your continued acceptance of me. I know that I tend to be up and down and all over, and you never know which Sandra you'll be dealing with from day to day. Lol. I never know which Sandra is going to open her eyes in the morning, either! Ha. You guys have such patience with me. Thank you SO much. I can't say that I could do the same for another. It's pretty darn tiring. Thank you.
Awful thing is....I would have disappeared yesterday, and without saying anything to you. I had no intention of saying "good-bye". I was just going to vanish from Psycho-Babble, and you probably would have thought that I just went my own way. Would that have been wrong of me? I'm not sure how I feel about that. I would like to say "good-bye" simply because you have given so much of yourselves over this little rocky road of mine, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want to burden you with my decision and action. I'm not sure...I'm pulled both ways. Regardless, I wasn't going to say anything. Not knowing is probably better.
Okay, so....dishes to wash, laundry to get organized, and I want to watch the news in 10 more minutes.
Take care!
Sandra
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 9:51:46
In reply to Re: Today was........ » partlycloudy, posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 9:48:24
Did it again! Sorry guys!
The book that partlycloudy and I will be reading is:
I forgot to link it to the correct book when I sent my message.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 11:54:42
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
Hi again pc,
The library just delivered my order, and I've taken a real quick peek at "our" book. It's not a big book, so it shouldn't take very long to read. However, if I'm too slow for you (lol!), please read on ahead of me. I've never read this author before, so I'm hoping that he writes well. We'll find out together!
I'm still having a bit of a difficult day today. It almost feels like I failed myself AGAIN by not completing the plan yesterday. It seems that I set plans for myself (travel through Europe as a young adult, hike through the Swiss mountains as a young adult, build a career while with hubby, having a stable family life with hubby and kids, make the marriage work, complete University, enter in a nursing career, provide for my kids, etc), and then I constantly fail myself. I just never pull them off. I have a "loser" switch that gets turned on, and I don't have the fortitude to go on and thus turn into a "victim". And I hate that about myself. And by not following through with yesterday's plan, I feel like I've landed in the exact same predictament that I always MAKE for myself....that of feeling like a failure. And I just want to see success so badly....to strive for something and actually WIN for once. But I just don't seem to have the strength of character to achieve a goal. And now by not completing the "plan" yesterday, I feel as low as I ever have. It just reflects my inadequacies so starkly to me. Just stupid Sandra, trying to be something she's not...again.
Sorry for getting off topic there. I guess I should expect to feel this way today. Doesn't mean that I like it, though. *smile*
Well, I'm off to the grocery store. I have to pick up food and supplies for us. The cupboards are almost bare! And I think I'll also pick up a bottle for tonight. I received some movies from the library as well, so I'll get buzzed and comfy in my chair. Makes for a nice escape.
Let me know when you get your copy of the book.
Sandra
Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 18:05:46
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
You know what is hard for me?
The more years that go by, the more I see examples (over and over again) of how I don't manage to succeed in what I set out to accomplish. It's getting more difficult to trick myself into thinking that I'm NOT that person.....because I have too much of a history of it now. I fail and I fail and I fail. And the longer I stick around, the more I'll still see it.
By finishing University, it would have accomplished so much....I began and completed school, I entered into my chosen profession, and I was able to get us off Welfare and provide for us myself. Wow!! So many successes in just one event!! And those three momentous successes would have wiped out all the countless other failures up to that point simply because I would have proven to myself that I *AM* worthwhile. But I'm still just the ineffective little speck of dust.
If I had one wish, I would wish to go back in time. Ha! Like that is going to happen. But I would change a few things. I would still marry Michael and go through all that crap. I'd still wait to leave until after Carly was born. All of those events gave me life experience....allowed me to have a better appreciation and understanding in order to relate to others in similar situations. I wouldn't change that. I certainly am not looking for a sheltered life. But after the kids and I left, I would have begun school sooner and I would have strengthened myself up in order to maintain that long stretch of University! I would have had confidence in myself. I would have really pushed myself. I would have succeeded.
Of course, there's no going back in time. Not going to happen. I am stuck where I am. I am stuck with who I am. And obviously, as history reveals to me, I'm not going to change. I may be a good person and really want to help others and to have a purposeful use in this life....but it doesn't change what is.
I really would like to go blank. To just stop functioning for a time. To just cease being. To have it go black. To not have any knowledge of conscious or subconscious. To just disappear for a bit.
And again, we know that people don't just go blank. But wouldn't it be nice? Just for awhile?
Such an uplifting mood I'm in today, huh? Ah well, such is life. *smile*
No plans, no dates.....no need to worry. Just mopey.
Sandra
Posted by mystic on May 21, 2004, at 19:52:50
In reply to Ramblin' Along, posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 18:05:46
Wow sandy a night of reflection..but one thing you did say is there are some things that you wouldnt change actually quite a few things you wouldnt change..your marriage..children...well life is one big cycle and god no one said it was going to be easy I think that we all think it is going to be easy...
You know that you were put here for a reason and that we all have our crosses to bare..some people deal with molestation..abuse..verbal/physical abuse..cancer.. suffereing..murder..poverty.. living in war zones..we all have something there arent many people that are happy and sometimes when I feel my worst I try to remember this..I try to remember the really really bad things that happen in this world and then I try to fight harder..and Sandy I know how hard it is...I was molested as a child very young child...I was in an abusive marriage...I raised my daughter alone after with the threat of her being kidnapped by my ex all the time..and I have dealt and unfortunately dealing with once again with these demons that try to make me think that it is never going to get better...It is always easier to help someone else and so hard to think that we are important enough for our full energy...
Sandy love yourself try to find some way to love yourself..because from what I see you are a caring wonderful person just going through some really really hard times but you can get through I know that you can ..you can be strong..You have us you have jlynne that wonderful angel that stands by you alll the time..You have lynne the other angel you are so fortuneate to find these angels and I do believe that you have been brought special angels you truely have...You will find your way there is no way you cant with all the help that you have!!!!!!!!!..Please love yourself and find the way...Your children depend on it and they deserve it and you deserve it!!! you are loveable you truely are!!!!!!!!
Take care Sandy and wishing and praying for goodness and direction for you..Luvya Mystic
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