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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Simus on May 21, 2004, at 21:47:16
In reply to Today was........, posted by SandyWeb on May 20, 2004, at 22:27:20
> Then, a couple of days ago, my thinking changed. Pretty much overnight. I really don't know why, but I didn't feel any type of satisfaction with my decision anymore. It just wasn't going to happen.
=)
> What to do now??
Get grounded in a good Bible-believing, Spirit-filled church and let the Lord continue to heal you and lead you out of this and into His good plan for your life.
> Tell me.....the ones who have been through suicidal episodes.....how long before you finally could say that you were doing okay? How long before you felt safe with yourself?It is something that may try to come back on you again if you don't fight against it or have someone else fighting against it for you.
> I've never been suicidal in my life, and it just seems like it hangs on with such tenacity once it claims you.
Yes, death almost had you. It tried to get your life, but failed. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.
God bless.
Posted by Simus on May 21, 2004, at 23:15:43
In reply to Ramblin' Along, posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 18:05:46
> You know what is hard for me?
>
> The more years that go by, the more I see examples (over and over again) of how I don't manage to succeed in what I set out to accomplish. It's getting more difficult to trick myself into thinking that I'm NOT that person.....because I have too much of a history of it now. I fail and I fail and I fail. And the longer I stick around, the more I'll still see it.
>
It's a hard thing for all of us to deal with. Believe me, you aren't the only one who has failed at something. History is full of great people who have failed, and sometimes failed BIG, but still recovered. And you and I can recover too.First of all, my favorite Bible passages on how to handle failure:
This is how Paul handled it: Phil 3:13 "but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead"
This is how God commanded us to look at our past failures: Isaiah 43:18-19 "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
And in more modern times, I love the stories about Thomas Edison:
"Often ridiculed, Edison tried over ten thousand different experiments before he finally demonstrated the first incandescent light bulb on October 21, 1879. Who could ever imagine where we might be today if Thomas Edison had not persevered after ten thousand failures? It’s OK to fail. From every failure comes the seed of an even greater possible success. Without failure, we can never grow to our full potential."
"Many of life's failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison"Results? Why, man, I have gotten lots of results! If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is often a step forward..." Thomas Edison
Someday you will be past all of this, and looking back there won't be one thing you would change, because the sum of your experiences is what makes you valuable to others. Someday, there will be a person who needs someone that understands, and you will be able to help because you have been through it.
God bless.
P.S. Call that church! =)
Posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 9:44:23
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on May 21, 2004, at 21:47:16
Hi Simus,
I was touched by your messages. You're a good girl, Simus. Thank you for thinking of me.
In regards to God:
I am His child and I would not deny Him. However, at some point in this process, I stopped communicating with Him. There really isn't a need to. He understands me. He knows.
I think I stopped talking with Him because I always seemed to be getting His messages wrong. I would think that maybe this was why an event happened, I would think that I was being guided through situations so that I could LEARN, I would think that it all was heading me towards a greater purpose. And I finally had enough of getting confused. And I stopped trying to figure out what God was telling me. It just adds more confusion to the situation if I talk with God. It turns out that I'm not hearing HIM.... but only MYSELF. All the Bible verses I would hold onto in regards to God only wanting the best for me just don't cut it anymore. I know He loves me and has plans for me....but I just keep getting confused when I talk with Him. So I've distanced myself from Him.
He knows I love Him. He knows who I am. He knows I haven't turned my back on Him or left Him. I just needed to stop the confusion.
You know, we live in a fallen world....and with that, we have to accept that things will be "broken". A "broken" kidney can result in kidney failure, a "broken" pancreas can result in insulin difficulties, a "broken" MIND can result in suicide. I believe that He does not hold suicide against a person. Just as a "broken" heart can eventually lead to heart failure, so a "broken" mind can eventually lead to suicide. It's not working right, and it's of no fault of the person. It's just the way of the world. And even though it's a CHOICE to die....the choice is made through a "broken" mind....and God would not deny that. You may not get as many awards in Heaven, but He will not deny that you are His child. No one can take that heritage away from me, and He will not refuse to admit the relationship. He loves me. And I'm "broken". It's not a perfect world.
One day I'll have a good heart-to-heart with Him....when my mind is no longer "broken". Oh, it will be so wonderful to feel whole.
Thanks for the church information. But I just want to distance myself. It's easier to just close my focus down to certain things. God understands. He knows.
Take care, Simus. You've been wonderful to me! Thanks for directing me towards this Board. It's been good to have a place to throw out thoughts as they emerged. I may not have appreciated all the interventions forced upon me (LOL!!), but it still was a place that I could unburden myself upon as needed. THANK YOU for being with me!!
God bless,
Sandra
Posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 10:07:27
In reply to RE::: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 21, 2004, at 19:52:50
Hi mystic,
I'm sorry that you have experienced, and still are in the throes, of some difficult situations. It's good not to lead a sheltered life, but sometimes it gets rather unbearable, huh? You're a strong lady! (((Mystic)))
Yes, I have had wonderful angels helping me through this process. Jlynne and LynneDa have been unbelieveable!! I have no idea why they focused their energies on me, especially when you can find countless other people on Babble who could benefit from their support. But I'm really grateful they have been here for me. It is MY choice as to who I will open up to, and I think that I probably trusted them the most.
And then there are the cops. Who'd a thunk?? Lol. Those two particular cops. I think my guard dropped a little with those two simply because of the way they treated me as an equal...like a FRIEND...during the time we spent at the hospital. I mean, they got personal with me....told me about their families, interests, childhood....which is not what really is expected from a "Professional" relationship. I felt like they accepted me...and I was so impressed with their seeming friendship with each other. And then they kept in touch with me! How incredible is that? They are good guys. They have wonderful souls. I was blessed to have them respond to the call. The thought of them sometimes is all that kept me from going over the edge from time to time.
And then we have Dr. Bob. Lol! What to say about THAT man?? Hee hee. Sometimes I was upset with him, sometimes I was secretly relieved by his actions, sometimes I was confused by him. He made me cry, he made me smile, he made me PARANOID! LOL!!! He put me through a rigorous course. But...all in all...he has a good heart and a precious soul. I think he honestly has an interest in others. I think he is as he allows us to see him. I don't think he's a phoney. He's certainly not the perfect man (Darn! Ha!) and he makes some error in judgments, but I believe that he does not do anything for an ego boost or for a power trip. I think he's genuine. And I appreciate the time and energy he has taken to look over my shoulder from time to time. Then again, like I said before, it is ME who decides who I want to open up to...and all the interventions in the world will not be helpful if I do not want to talk with someone. I think the time for talking has ended anyways. I don't think there is anyone that I'd open up to now and TRY to reveal what is happening inside of me. It's my own little world, my own little pain....and you just can't know. And maybe I don't want you to know.
Let's see...there are so many people that stood by me. You and Simus, for instance. And Lonelygirl, op (from Open), partlycloudy...oh, and I'm sure that I'm missing other important people. But every one of you has provided me with your strength when I didn't have any of my own. And sometimes that was all that I needed.
In other news (lol!), the standoff ended last night after 67 hours! The grandmother died. But the mum, dad, and baby are fine. Of course, they will never be seeing that baby again...and that is the saddest thing. The cops are having a difficult time about the grandmother. It's a hard time for them.
Gotta scat.
Hugs,
Sandra
Posted by mystic on May 22, 2004, at 13:30:24
In reply to Re: Today was........ » Simus, posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 9:44:23
Sandy hope your day is better today!!!!...Hey how did the grandmother die...Who was the person in the standoff...That is soooo sad...Take care..Mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 22:25:35
In reply to Re: Ramblin' Along » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on May 21, 2004, at 23:15:43
Hi girls,
You know, there are times in your life when you sense that something is about to happen.....and at the same time, you realize it already has. Not much to be done at a time like this.
Feeling tired
By the fire
The long day is overThe wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn onWith no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is overI am going to sleep now. I hope you all are doing well.
"I'm feeling the same way all over again, no matter how much I pretend."
You girls are the best! Time to hit the sack, though. It's late and I'm tired.
(((Hugs)))
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on May 25, 2004, at 10:33:03
In reply to Re: Ramblin' Along, posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 22:25:35
Hi Sandy - How are you? I've been away from the computer, but did get caught up on posts yesterday. Is the poem below one you wrote or a song lyric? It's very poignant and telling.
I'm so very happy to hear you are still with us. I did not know you had a date and a plan. I have never been suicidal to the point that I had a plan. This weekend, we drove to Atlanta to pick up a car my husband is going to repair. I was feeling very depressed on Sunday and for about 2 or 3 hours, all I wanted to do was jump out the window of the moving car. Weird. I knew I wouldn't do it because of my daughter, but at the same time, I really felt I had to restrain myself. And I really have nothing to be depressed about, in a general sense. Like you said at one point, I just want things to go away into nothingness, it would be such a relief, but I know that's not realistic. I can't seem to kick that over-bearing sense of malaise, doom, hatefulness toward myself, etc., that I feel sometimes. And my husband doesn't get it at all. I just sit and cry and try to explain and he just gets madder and madder because I really have nothing to be upset about . . . so I just shut up.
So - that is the extent to which I understand how you feel. Mine comes and goes and is pretty cyclical. But, from what I've read, depression is progressive and if suicidal ideations are a part of your cadre of symptoms, I am so afraid that it won't go away until you try to stop the depression.
You are doing a wonderful, fantastic job of pulling yourself up by your boot straps, so to speak: getting your papers filled out, looking into volunteer opportunities, etc. The fact that you are looking outside yourself is a really healthy sign and you should feel encouraged!
What did you decide about your Dad's birthday?
You need support through this time in your life, Sandy, whether it's chemical or emotional. You've had a lot of bad things happen, yes. You've been strong enough to get through most of it, again yes. But, there's a cumulative effect that has whittled away at your psyche. That is a normal, physiological reaction to all you've endured.
You are not weak and you are not a failure - you've just had some major set-backs. You are coping the best you can with what you've been dealt and you will get your feet under you again, that is the way of life and from what I know of you, you are not the type to just flounder and never get back up! This is just a temporary blip in the road. Remember the Gloria Gaynor song from the disco era "I will survive"? Let that be your anthem!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hi girls,
>
> You know, there are times in your life when you sense that something is about to happen.....and at the same time, you realize it already has. Not much to be done at a time like this.
>
> Feeling tired
> By the fire
> The long day is over
>
> The wind is gone
> Asleep at dawn
> The embers burn on
>
> With no reprise
> The sun will rise
> The long day is over
>
> I am going to sleep now. I hope you all are doing well.
>
> "I'm feeling the same way all over again, no matter how much I pretend."
>
> You girls are the best! Time to hit the sack, though. It's late and I'm tired.
>
> (((Hugs)))
>
> Sandy
>
>
>
Posted by partlycloudy on May 25, 2004, at 14:39:48
In reply to Re: Ramblin' Along » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 25, 2004, at 10:33:03
An inspirational post. I hope Sandy's OK.
Posted by mystic on May 25, 2004, at 18:57:18
In reply to Re: Ramblin' Along » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 25, 2004, at 10:33:03
Hello Lynne...That is exactly how I feel I want to just feel better and reading everyones post can get depressing also because everyone is struggiling on their dosages and weight and still problems with their cycles...It is very discouraging..I feel the same way just dont want to live like this anymore but not going to do anything about it (I hope) but just that overwelming feeling that this has to go away i cant take it anymore...I hope that we find the answers soon...Hope you feel better soon...Mystic
Posted by simus on May 25, 2004, at 21:41:04
In reply to RE:: Lynne, posted by mystic on May 25, 2004, at 18:57:18
> It is very discouraging..I feel the same way just dont want to live like this anymore...
Hang in there, Mystic. I felt like that such a short time ago, and now I feel great and life is worth living again. I am so glad I just held on until I found something that worked for me. If this dosage doesn't start helping soon, talk to your doctor. You might need to consider a change in meds. God bless.
Posted by LynneDa on May 26, 2004, at 9:57:05
In reply to RE:: Lynne, posted by mystic on May 25, 2004, at 18:57:18
Hi Mystic - Thanks for your post. I keep wondering if maybe we just expect too much? Is this just life? I really think your new therapy modality will help you immensely! If you can get at the root of some of your pain, maybe the chemical/hormonal stuff won't be as debilitating for you & your symptoms won't go as deep. I've got my fingers crossed for you and I can't wait to hear what you think of it.
I've been down to 10mg for the past 3 days and am doing okay, period came today, no horrible feelings since Sunday. I also lost 2 lbs that have stayed off this week without any change in eating or exercising.
I was surfing the net and found an article yesterday from 1998 in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry that said the reason weight gain isn't listed as one of the s/e's is because all of the studies were just short-term usage - looking at the first month or so. The weight gain usually comes after a few months of SSRI usage. It also quoted a % range of 18 - 30% who do have weight gain.
Hang in there Mystic, and everyone! I'm considering Trucker's idea of making a positive feedback tape to listen to while I sleep.
Thanks Simus for all the scripture quotes. I'm not a Bible expert, but they are very comforting.
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hello Lynne...That is exactly how I feel I want to just feel better and reading everyones post can get depressing also because everyone is struggiling on their dosages and weight and still problems with their cycles...It is very discouraging..I feel the same way just dont want to live like this anymore but not going to do anything about it (I hope) but just that overwelming feeling that this has to go away i cant take it anymore...I hope that we find the answers soon...Hope you feel better soon...Mystic
Posted by mystic on May 26, 2004, at 18:05:19
In reply to RE:: Lynne » mystic, posted by LynneDa on May 26, 2004, at 9:57:05
Thanks Lynne..I am feeling slightly better today but not that great either..It gets sooo discouraging...but maybe the sun will come out tomorrow this weather is really rediculous..I do think sometimes we expect too much but I would just like to wake up in the morning feeling good and not feeling scared my whole life..I have been scared since before I can remember I remember being very young very young and waking up every single day scared...I'm hoping when I start the EMDR therapy it will help me to forget that past and try to get some of this anxiety to go away for good...But by then I will be 100000 years old.hahahah no i'm still young 41...But thanks for the posts..I also agree about the positive tapes and hope that Lexy gets back to us about them so that we can all run out and buy them..Maybe I will look on the computer and see if I can find something out there...Take care my friend Mystic
Posted by mystic on May 26, 2004, at 18:06:17
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 8, 2004, at 15:08:38
Sandy Sandy Sandy..where have you been???..has anyone seen her on the open board...speak to us please I'm a little worried about you...Thanks I'm praying for you as always...Your friend Mystic
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 12:16:56
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 26, 2004, at 18:06:17
I'm worried about you, Sandy - are you there?
Posted by LynneDa on May 27, 2004, at 13:01:56
In reply to Re: Ramblin' Along, posted by SandyWeb on May 22, 2004, at 22:25:35
Hey Sandy - how are you? I hope you're just busy interviewing and signing up for volunteer work. Did you end up going to your Mom's?
~ Lynne
Posted by mystic on May 27, 2004, at 21:47:12
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 26, 2004, at 18:06:17
Ok this is rediculous I find myself checking many times a night to see if sandy has been on...does anyone know anything..and where the heck is Jlynne she hasnt been on much either..Helpppppp..where is sandy...mystic
Posted by LynneDa on May 28, 2004, at 10:16:23
In reply to RE:: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 27, 2004, at 21:47:12
Hi ladies -
I know, I agree we are probably ridiculous to worry, but...I checked the obituaries in the Halifax paper for the past week - no Sandy or Sandra with her particulars, thank goodness. I called a couple of the hospitals in Halifax and talked to the nurses on the mental health units - no 40-year old Sandy or Sandra was admitted there this week. They were very nice to let me know one way or the other, I know they're not really supposed to!
So, where is she? And where is jlynne? Anyone hear from either of them in Open?
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ok this is rediculous I find myself checking many times a night to see if sandy has been on...does anyone know anything..and where the heck is Jlynne she hasnt been on much either..Helpppppp..where is sandy...mystic
Posted by mystic on May 28, 2004, at 12:13:20
In reply to RE:: Sandy » mystic, posted by LynneDa on May 28, 2004, at 10:16:23
Hey Lynne..talked to Jlynne in open last night so she is ok...she said that she reads the posts but just hasnt posted lately..I yelled at her..hahha.. But still no Sandy..Thank you so much for looking and checking out possibles you are awsome...Mystic
Posted by LynneDa on May 28, 2004, at 12:47:05
In reply to RE::: Lynne, posted by mystic on May 28, 2004, at 12:13:20
Thanks for the update, tell her I said hi! I won't be on-line all weekend so talk to you Tuesday. Hope Sandy's okay. Have a good weekend Mystic!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hey Lynne..talked to Jlynne in open last night so she is ok...she said that she reads the posts but just hasnt posted lately..I yelled at her..hahha.. But still no Sandy..Thank you so much for looking and checking out possibles you are awsome...Mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on May 29, 2004, at 16:05:14
In reply to RE:: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 27, 2004, at 21:47:12
Posted by Simus on May 29, 2004, at 17:03:00
In reply to Don't worry about me (nm), posted by SandyWeb on May 29, 2004, at 16:05:14
Posted by mystic on May 29, 2004, at 17:40:26
In reply to (((Sandy))) Still praying for you... (nm), posted by Simus on May 29, 2004, at 17:03:00
Posted by partlycloudy on May 30, 2004, at 7:53:16
In reply to RE:: Sandy » mystic, posted by LynneDa on May 28, 2004, at 10:16:23
You can't abandon me in our book club - how about we do a sentence at a time? That's about all I can muster right now.
(((((Sandy))))
(I looked at all the Halifax news, too. Thanks for checking in with us.)
Posted by mystic on May 30, 2004, at 22:52:08
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 8, 2004, at 15:08:38
sandy you know you can be alusive and that is fine we have tried everything that we can and we love you we accept how you are ..but you know the the only thing is that we dont deserve to be treated like this we want you to be ok and we are here to hear you but this is rediculous you have real -people here to help you and you dont want it you want to jerk us around and make us wonder day after day how you are ..well you are loved and we are here but enough is enough...I hope that you are doing good but i want to suceed and you dont so let it be...I'm sorry that i might be the only one that will say that but let us help you and if you dont want it let us go..take care of yourself and i hope that life is good to you but i have my own stuff to do....luvya and hope to hear from you soon..but take care mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on May 30, 2004, at 23:41:07
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on May 30, 2004, at 22:52:08
I'm sorry I hurt you, Mystic.
I'm surprised that you all didn't kick me before this point. I really, really deserve it. I am a very callous, unfeeling, self-absorbed person for not having been more attentive to your needs.
This past week has been enormously draining on me. And it just is too much to share because all I do is take and take.....and never give back to you. And I'm not very pleased with the type of person I am.
It's just too much. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I NEVER EVER meant to hurt any of you. I was overwhelmed that anyone even wanted to walk this course with me!!! And I thank you for sticking with me for so long.
I'm not a good person, I know that. I'm very selfish, and I took you all for granted. It just was too much to keep writing to you all about "poor little me"....and I never had the energy to actually give back anything in return. I feel like a louse.
I feel sick to my stomach. I never meant to hurt you. I thought I was sparing you all by not sending messages anymore. I didn't expect to still be here today. I thought it would have been over last week. And I really can't stand being such a failure. And I'm sorry for hurting you.
So I guess we should close up shop now. I know you all need support, and I'm dragging you down. I can't seem to do it right...whether I talk or remain silent...I end up causing problems for you all.
I *am* sorry. But this is what I do....I mess up. All my life. Forever more.
Time to go to bed. I wish you all the best!! I really do.
Hugs,
Sandy
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