Posted by SandyWeb on May 18, 2004, at 17:34:32
In reply to What can I do? (nm), posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 18:53:07
I want to apologize for that outburst. It actually wasn't directed at any of you. I was very, very upset at myself for not being able to explain myself to you guys. I tried to explain something that was hurting me a lot, and I could tell from the responses that I hadn't done a good job of it. And, unfortunately, I seem to over-react lately to situations. Believe it or not, I'm actually a very CALM person. Lol. You'd never know that now.
Okay, onward and forward. As for seeking help. Well, I've done about all I can do other than go into "talk therapy". I'm not too excited with that idea for three reasons. 1. I don't explain myself well (haa haa), and thus I would lead the therapist in the wrong direction and then I'd get so frustrated and angry at myself and dig myself in even further. Argh! I can feel the blood pressure rising already. *smile* 2. I don't have much desire to open myself up to someone who doesn't reciprocate, you know? It's difficult to expose so much of yourself to one person. I know it's not a "friend-friend" relationship, but I've found myself extremely disadvantaged when I've let another know too much about me....and they've known how to use that against me. Not going to happen again. 3. And finally, I don't have much reason to believe that talk therapy would change a whit of anything. All it would do would be to make me see just how really hopeless it is. And, no...I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just know what the situation is, and I've been over it and over it. I don't need to actually voice it to another person and make myself feel even WORSE than I already do. And there aren't any answers...I just have to accept this new life...which I don't think I can do. But talking about it....naw. There's got to be better things to do than wallow.
As for other ways of helping myself, I've done a few things. I did eventually send in the appeal to get the Welfare reinstated. I waited until the last minute, and I think that was a self-damaging type action. But I did send the letter in, so HOPEFULLY we'll hear before too long that the money will be forthcoming.
I received the application for volunteering with Victim Services, but I haven't mailed it back yet. I'm scared that my recent history will destroy all hopes of getting on with them. All those calls were posted as "Suicide Attempt" on my information (I was shown this), so you know that won't go over too well. Also, my recent grades at school, my recent rents, and my recent bill payments won't go good for me. ALSO, they require 3 references....and I don't have any. I haven't a clue as to what to do about that. So, I think I would come off horribly on paper. And I really, really want to apply since they are recruiting right now.....but I don't know how I'd react if I got turned down.....and I fear they wouldn't even look twice at me. I'm scared to take the chance.
I've actually looked up jobs through Unemployment, but it gets rather depressing when I see that all I really qualify for are back-breaking, mind-dulling minimum wage jobs. I don't think I would last very long if I applied for any of those simply because I'd just stop going to work. But....at least I'm looking. Maybe I'll find something exciting by chance.
I would go to the food bank, but I don't have a car and I've put aside my relationship with my sister for the time being. She would come in and take me over for food, but since that pdoc made me tell my sister too much....I just can't be around her right now. It was a mistake. I knew I was crossing the line with that one, but I wanted out of that hospital sooo badly. It just all goes back to not letting anyone know too much about me.....and even though I trust my sister....it's just something I can't deal with. It's a self-preservation thing, I guess. Something I've learned from long ago. So...without my sister's vehicle, I can't get any food to my place. We have a grocery store right in our back yard here, so I just push the shopping cart right in. Talk about conveinence, huh? Lol. But I don't have the means to get anything from the food bank here....and I'm much too humiliated to ask for anyone's help. But we have enough, I guess.
Anyways, I just wanted to apologize again for coming across so harshly. It wasn't directed at you at all. I was so angry at me! I was thinking, "That's what I get for trying to explain something that's important to me." I do a real lousy job of it, especially when I don't even include all the information in it. I hope you can all forgive me for going psycho on you. I was just ready to throw the towel in at that point. I was so darn fed up with how my life was turning out.
I don't care too much for myself right now, and I'm not sure how long this will last. I do certainly see changes that I've gone through since this whole business started at the end of March, and I hope that I reach more of a stable level before too much longer. I guess I'm a work in progress. *smile* Hey, maybe I'll turn out to be a masterpiece when all is said and done!!
Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone.