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Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 13, 2004, at 12:07:55
In reply to The e-mail » NikkiT2, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 11:59:11
Did it really say "I'll WAIL for your email" or was that just a typo? A hilarious typo at that given the circumstances!
Posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 12:08:31
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating Dude, posted by Ilene on January 13, 2004, at 11:48:16
>>He could be a guy who just plays by slightly different rules. Maybe he's just overeager, but not actually creepy. No way to know.
<<He just really creeped me out. When someone tells me I can give them a call, I'll call when they say they're available, and if there's no answer, I leave a message, telling them they can give me a call back if they'd like to.Part of the problem is I gave him my cell number because I don't want people to have my home number, which is more easily traceable to a physical location. But I don't get a good signal in my house on the cell phone. I knew I was going out again that night and I was going to call him back when I got in a *good* area while driving. In the mean time, the phone just kept on ringing. And ringing. And ringing. And each time it made me more and more anxious.
> I think it's important to act by the commonly accepted rules of etiquette,
<<Yes, I generally agree with you and I do *try* at least, to be polite. I think I gave this guy my number too quickly. The only thing that overrules manners, here, is personal safety. That's my only concern at this point....if I continue contact with him to tell him *why* I was bothered, he might continue to call me.
>> No telling him off or stalking off in a huff. Be prepared for him to demand an explanation as to why he was out of line by calling more than once.
<<No, I'll be polite about it. That's why I *write* it in e-mail rather than talk on the phone. I can compose something nicely with thought rather than getting caught up in the tension of the moment.Thanks!
Susan
Posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 12:09:44
In reply to Re: The e-mail, posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 13, 2004, at 12:07:55
> Did it really say "I'll WAIL for your email" or was that just a typo? A hilarious typo at that given the circumstances!
LOL! I didn't see that! I just cut and pasted it for you -- all I saw was that *remeber* typo....:-)
Susan
Posted by jane d on January 13, 2004, at 12:32:42
In reply to Re: The e-mail » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 12:09:44
Susan,
I have absolutely no idea if his behavior should be setting off alarm bells because I know nothing about dating etiquette. So the following should not be interpreted as urging you to ignore your gut feelings.I have noticed that people have very different attitudes toward cell phones. I tend to view them like regular phones, where people may or may not be available at any given time, no explanation needed. I carry one with me for emergencies - not so I will be availabe for casual conversations at any time.
Some of my friends (who drive me crazy) treat their phones as a way to be "together" with people all the time. They use them to make the kind of comments that I would make to someone walking next to me. Trivial but social. Or they call to get continual updates. Where are you now? I'm 30 miles away. Five minutes later "Where are you now?" "25 miles away". By 24 miles away I have probably stopped answering: then the calls start coming every 2 minutes instead of every five and I've angered my friend as much as if I had ignored them when I met them on a street corner. And I'm angry too by then. I suspect that pre cell phones these are people who would have made a point to be with other people all the time, where I have always liked time alone.
OK. Ramble over. Good luck.
Jane
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 13, 2004, at 12:44:24
In reply to The e-mail » NikkiT2, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 11:59:11
*giggling*
Yes, we all make typos, buy he is will "wail" until you reply.. *laughing* I can imagine this guy so clearly, black hair, starting to bald from the front, not hugely tall (5ft6 maybe), over weight but not obese, and wearing a suit with a different colour jacket to trousers (say, beige trousers and darker orangey brown jacket with a bright (red?) tie), standing in a park near your office, just wailing into the sky!!!
NOW I'm getting scared of him!!!
nikki xx
Posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 12:44:59
In reply to Re: Cell Phones » Susan J, posted by jane d on January 13, 2004, at 12:32:42
>I tend to view them like regular phones, where people may or may not be available at any given time, no explanation needed.
<<Me, too, and when I gave him the number, I did not specify it was a cell phone. Calling 13x or so is intrusive to me, regardless.I like my time alone, too. I guess I better. Looks like that's how it's gonna be for a while. :-)
Susan
Posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 12:47:28
In reply to Re: The e-mail » Susan J, posted by NikkiT2 on January 13, 2004, at 12:44:24
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 13, 2004, at 13:23:36
In reply to Re: The e-mail » Susan J, posted by NikkiT2 on January 13, 2004, at 12:44:24
Perfect description, Nikki. Just as I envision this guy as well!
Posted by Poet on January 13, 2004, at 13:53:45
In reply to The e-mail » NikkiT2, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 11:59:11
Calling you 10 times? Then emailing you? I think he needs meds right away for his anxiety. If you decide to meet him let me know if Nikki's description is right.
I used to do personal ad dating, and I thought one guy was going to burst into tears when I said I didn't want a second date. It wasn't his looks as much as he was so boring. I had to drink extra coffee to stay awake as he talked on and on and...
BTW I met my husband through a personal ad and despite my craziness (his, too, he won't admit it) we've been together 11 years, married for five.
Poet
Posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 14:05:11
In reply to Re: The e-mail » Susan J, posted by Poet on January 13, 2004, at 13:53:45
There's hope? Excellent! Actually, I've met quite a few couples, now, that have met through internet dating....there are definitely success stories!
:-)
Susan
Posted by tabitha on January 13, 2004, at 17:38:10
In reply to The e-mail » NikkiT2, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 11:59:11
My goodness. It's just so sad. How can anyone be *that* ignorant of social protocol?
I had a friend who was similar-- not nearly that bad, but he would leave multiple messages before I'd get back to him. He would also do things like, when I'd already agreed to see him Sunday, call on Friday and want to get together that day. He just couldn't wait. This was an otherwise normal guy with a lot going for him, and generally socially successful (except in dating). I tried gently explaining that if someone had left a message, I liked for them to wait for me to get back to them rather than leaving another message. My lesson fell on deaf ears. He insisted that women want to be pursued and expect the guy to do all the work. OK then. Maybe by now he's happily married to someone who loves to be called 5 times in a row.
Posted by Racer on January 13, 2004, at 22:06:06
In reply to Re: The e-mail » Poet, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 14:05:11
> There's hope? Excellent! Actually, I've met quite a few couples, now, that have met through internet dating....there are definitely success stories!
>
> :-)
>
> Susan
Yeah, that's how I met my husband, through his online ad. There are success stories, although I also experienced crazies, too. One of them was a stalker -- thankfully, not in good enough physical health to do much of the really scary stuff, but scary enough anyway.Does that sound as if I'm trying to frighten you? It should. I am. And I'm going to say this to you for your own safety: don't give out any of your telephone numbers. Take the guy's number, and call him. If he won't agree to it, he's not worth worrying about. I've been stalked, my friends have been stalked, and in many cases it was by men whom we hadn't even met yet. We, here on babble, may be mentally ill, but there are some people out there who are really nuts! It's not worth the risk, and you'd be surprised to find out how much information you can get about someone. The guy who stalked me from the online dating service was able to find out a great deal of information about me, including my home address, despite my being as careful as possible to avoid giving anything personally identifying away. I didn't even use my home email account, but set up a free excite.com account, so that no one would be able to track me that way. He still managed to find out my full name, address, telephone number, work address, work history, etc.
On the good side, by the way, my husband and I met for a first date after writing many emails, talking on the telephone (three hours, we couldn't get enough of one another), and then only for lunch. We didn't marry for another three years, but I think we both knew pretty quickly. Neither of us could believe it, that someone so amazing could want us, but eventually we convinced one another, and here we are. Since I express myself better in writing than in person, online dating was perfect for me.
Good luck, and stay safe.
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 14, 2004, at 6:19:49
In reply to Re: The e-mail » Susan J, posted by Racer on January 13, 2004, at 22:06:06
I did actually meet my husband on line.. but that was just in a chat room and not through an ad.. And I have met tons of people off the net off the past 7 years..
But, keeping safe is priority. I *never* gave out my home phone number (always used my mobile number - cell to you guys I think), never gave out my home address etc etc until I knew I could trust the person.
I just agve out my email address on here for the first time in years *laughing* I'm just not very trusting at all these days!!
Nikki xx
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 14, 2004, at 10:28:53
In reply to Scary Internet Dating Dude, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 9:13:29
Susan,
I'm dying for an update. Did you ever call back? email back? Or are you using my standard technique which is completely ignoring him?
Posted by Susan J on January 14, 2004, at 10:36:25
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating Dude, posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 14, 2004, at 10:28:53
> Susan,
>
> I'm dying for an update. Did you ever call back? email back? Or are you using my standard technique which is completely ignoring him?Well, here's my e-mail to him telling him I was uncomfortable with his calling so much, and his response. Can't say I handled it the best way, but what's done is done and I have no intention of ever speaking/writing again. :-)
Sam,
I got your messages last night. I felt a little
uneasy that you called so many times and that's
why I didn't call you back. I had planned on
calling you back when I had finished my nightly
chores and stuff, around 8, and could really sit
down to talk.But when the phone kept ringing and ringing I got
very anxious. It's a little scary to me because I
don't know you. It's not personal, it's just the
nature of meeting someone on the internet.Please do not call me anymore. If you'd like to
write, that's fine. But I need to take it more
slowly than that.....Susan
Dear Susan,
In my defense, You told me to call after seven, not eight. My fear was also that you might think I ignored you and failed to call as agreed.
However, for a liberal, independent lady to say she was scared is what I can't imagine. Now, the ball is in your court, and it is up to you to revive this relation.
The defense rests.
The prosecutor may start.
My greetings, great lady. You know from the beginnings I told you are a wonderful person.
Sam
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 14, 2004, at 11:47:39
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating Dude » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan J on January 14, 2004, at 10:36:25
Your email was great. As you can see by his response, I think you were lucky to avoid this guy. I would not be surprised however if he called or emailed you again.
And for some reason, all of the "great lady" talk sort of grosses me out!
You handled it with great tact and discretion - a rarity these days!
Posted by Susan J on January 14, 2004, at 12:11:02
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating Dude » Susan J, posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 14, 2004, at 11:47:39
> And for some reason, all of the "great lady" talk sort of grosses me out!
<<The whole thing creeped me out. I mean, he said I asked him to call after 7, not 8. Um, 8pm *is* after 7, isn't it? And he's afraid I'd think he was *ignoring* me and forgot to call???? I'm sure one of his 8 messages would have tipped me off. Duh!
And then he starts that crap about my being a liberal, independent *lady* so he can't understand why I'd be scared. Hmmmmm, liberal, independent women can also be killed by psychos.
>
> You handled it with great tact and discretion - a rarity these days!<<Thank you. I actually felt I was being really rude and abrupt, but I have a problem with confrontation anyway. Maybe he had the best of intentions -- I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I do think I did him a favor by telling him why I was weirded out by the whole thing. I'm sure he's done this to any other women he's contacted....
Posted by Racer on January 14, 2004, at 13:14:42
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating Dude » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan J on January 14, 2004, at 12:11:02
OK, I just gotta get in on this one:
What Miss Honeychurch said about the "great lady" stuff grossing her out really hit a nerve -- and not becaue you're not a great lady. He's not talking about *you*, he's talking about a person he's made up, who is a great lady without qualities. Does that make sense? Whatever, I agree, you're well rid of him.
Here are my tips for internet dating:
1. Read those ads carefully, and critically. My girlfriends and I used to read the personal ads in the local paper together, translating them into our version of reality: you know, "good looking, well off gentleman" means "makes enough money to forgo the trouble of having a personality", etc. It was great fun, but it also reflected more reality than we expected when we answered any of the ads.
2. Get a free email account, and don't give out your real name. Hell, I didn't even give out my first name until I felt safe! (Unusual first name, which would have been enough to find my full name if anyone really tried.) Better be thought suspicious than to risk danger.
3. Don't give out your telephone number until after you've spoken to the dude. Block your number from caller ID, too, if you're not already blocked. Call him the first time, and just explain, "Hey, nothing personal, but I *don't* know you and there *are* some crazy people out there." Any man worth his salt will understand and respect that. Any man who doesn't respect that, won't respect you.
4. Remember: substance over style. The first time I laid eyes on my husband, I was so disappointed in his looks! But I saw the following cross his face in rapid succession: "She's prettier than I expected. She's pretty, so she won't be interested in me. How disappointing, since we talked so well together. The hell with it, I'm paying for lunch, and we did talk well together, so I'm *going* to enjoy this one chance to enjoy a lunch with great conversation and a pretty woman." Needless to say, his reactions, so clear on his face, made me decide to enjoy the lunch and my companion to the fullest, and we spoke again very soon afterwards. At this point, I think he's as cute as a bug, and we can still spend long periods talking about all sorts of things. If his looks had chased me away, I'd have missed out in a big way. (Mind you, I also met and dated a number of GORGEOUS men through the same site, but none with anything like the personality.)
5. This is supposed to be fun. If you're not having fun in this adventure, don't blame yourself. Just relax and stay safe and the fun part will follow. Even the worst horror stories have their funny sides, and my funniest worst experience ended with a wonderful time at the opera, an formal introduction to Vegemite, and very fond memories. Just don't take any of it too seriously, except the safety part.
Good luck. I know a large number of women who have met, and married, wonderful men they've met online through dating services. I think the secret in a lot of cases is not to expect too much, and not to take it too seriously. Oh, yeah, and to worry more about whether you like him than whether he likes you.
(By the way, I was just out of a long term relationship with a wonderful man, whom I still love and stay in touch with, when I met my husband. I was not looking for a "relationship", just for practice with casual dating, because there were too many other more important things in my life at the time. Instead, I met a man who was the face in the mirror, who could finish my sentences from the first, who could keep up with my ideas and add his own. The first time he ever called me by a nickname, it was the one my mother had used for me -- which he didn't know -- and that was the magic sign that he was The One for me. Funny, it happened when I wasn't looking for it.)
I hope some of this has helped, and that you have a good time with your adventure -- now that you've gotten rid of the wailer!
Posted by Susan J on January 14, 2004, at 13:28:12
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating Dude » Susan J, posted by Racer on January 14, 2004, at 13:14:42
> 1. "good looking, well off gentleman" means "makes enough money to forgo the trouble of having a personality", etc.
<<Too funny! I like that!
> 2. Get a free email account, and don't give out your real name. Hell, I didn't even give out my first name until I felt safe!
<<I've got a free one, but I have told them my name. But it's Susan, which is VERY popular in my age group. I work with about 5 others.>>Better be thought suspicious than to risk danger.
<<The couple of guys I've told directly that I don't want to give out my home phone number just yet took it personally and never contacted me again. I don't know if they were up to something bad, or truly insulted, or what.
>At this point, I think he's as cute as a bug, and we can still spend long periods talking about all sorts of things. If his looks had chased me away, I'd have missed out in a big way.
<<I'm the same way. A person's looks grow on me, and when I'm in love, *he* is the most handsome man on the planet. The only *requirement* I have is that he's taller than me. I feel bad, sometimes, wondering if I'm missing out on something by not contacting some guys who are 5'6" or shorter....maybe one of them's the right one.But I do have a question. Do you think chemistry is created, or just *is?* For example, there is an absolutely model-gorgeous guy who works with me, he's funny and charming and smart, and I'm totally *NOT* attracted to him. Doesn't matter either way -- he's married. I just wonder if there has to be an instant chemistry to have any chance.
>>The first time he ever called me by a nickname, it was the one my mother had used for me -- which he didn't know -- and that was the magic sign that he was The One for me. Funny, it happened when I wasn't looking for it.)
<<That's really cool. I am beginning to think I'll never meet a guy who *gets* me.... I *am* kinda weird. :-)
I'm happy to report that a seemingly normal guy e-mailed me, seems to be quite intelligent, and looking for something that could lead to an LTR. We seem to have a lot of the same interests. It was nice to get a letter from a normal guy, after the week I've had. Don't know if it'll go anywhere, but having a regular guy show a bit of interest felt good.If something doesn't click in the next couple of weeks, I'm stopping. It's my busy season at work now. I love being totally single, and I love being in a committed relationship, but I *hate* just dating around. I find that stressful. I was only doing it to get to know some guys outside my own little click. We'll see. :-)
Susan
Posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 11:19:04
In reply to Scary Internet Dating Dude, posted by Susan J on January 13, 2004, at 9:13:29
Oh. My. God. Psycho man e-mailed me today:
Hi,
Can we talk? -:)
I know you are a great person.
Sam
Posted by Angielala on January 15, 2004, at 11:21:34
In reply to He E-mails Again!!!!!, posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 11:19:04
Geez- never gives up. huh?
> Oh. My. God. Psycho man e-mailed me today:
>
> Hi,
>
> Can we talk? -:)
>
> I know you are a great person.
>
> Sam
>
Posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 11:24:07
In reply to Re: He E-mails Again!!!!!, posted by Angielala on January 15, 2004, at 11:21:34
> > Can we talk? -:)
> >
> > I know you are a great person.
> >
> > Sam
> >
>God, even his smiley face is messed up.
If he calls me I'm going to threaten him with legal action.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 15, 2004, at 12:23:36
In reply to He E-mails Again!!!!!, posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 11:19:04
I KNEW he would contact you, even thought he said the "ball was in your court." WHat a psycho.
What are you going to say? How about
"i'm a Lesbian."
Posted by Poet on January 15, 2004, at 12:27:15
In reply to He E-mails Again!!!!!, posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 11:19:04
You are a great person, but he's a creepy person. I'd definitely threaten him with legal action and he better cease and desist.
Poet
Posted by tealady on January 16, 2004, at 0:11:18
In reply to Hey Racer! » Racer, posted by Susan J on January 14, 2004, at 13:28:12
Hi Susan,
On another forum one guy started a couple of threads on pheromones. I gathered he was trying to send out a warning about internet relationships in general without meeting the person first as you usually would, as well as trying to start a discussion on whether being ill ..as in hormonally unbalanced or taking prescription meds (like pdrugs) could alter one's pheromones so that one could become unattractive to the opposite partner by not producing our usual pheromones.
He seemed to place a lot of importance on smell as something that attracts in a relationship.
What do you think of this idea? I know personally some people don't smell real good to me <g>.
And I'm sure that baby smell plays a bit part in producing the nuturing bond they need.Geez, something else to think about ?
Jan
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