Posted by Racer on January 14, 2004, at 13:14:42
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating Dude » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan J on January 14, 2004, at 12:11:02
OK, I just gotta get in on this one:
What Miss Honeychurch said about the "great lady" stuff grossing her out really hit a nerve -- and not becaue you're not a great lady. He's not talking about *you*, he's talking about a person he's made up, who is a great lady without qualities. Does that make sense? Whatever, I agree, you're well rid of him.
Here are my tips for internet dating:
1. Read those ads carefully, and critically. My girlfriends and I used to read the personal ads in the local paper together, translating them into our version of reality: you know, "good looking, well off gentleman" means "makes enough money to forgo the trouble of having a personality", etc. It was great fun, but it also reflected more reality than we expected when we answered any of the ads.
2. Get a free email account, and don't give out your real name. Hell, I didn't even give out my first name until I felt safe! (Unusual first name, which would have been enough to find my full name if anyone really tried.) Better be thought suspicious than to risk danger.
3. Don't give out your telephone number until after you've spoken to the dude. Block your number from caller ID, too, if you're not already blocked. Call him the first time, and just explain, "Hey, nothing personal, but I *don't* know you and there *are* some crazy people out there." Any man worth his salt will understand and respect that. Any man who doesn't respect that, won't respect you.
4. Remember: substance over style. The first time I laid eyes on my husband, I was so disappointed in his looks! But I saw the following cross his face in rapid succession: "She's prettier than I expected. She's pretty, so she won't be interested in me. How disappointing, since we talked so well together. The hell with it, I'm paying for lunch, and we did talk well together, so I'm *going* to enjoy this one chance to enjoy a lunch with great conversation and a pretty woman." Needless to say, his reactions, so clear on his face, made me decide to enjoy the lunch and my companion to the fullest, and we spoke again very soon afterwards. At this point, I think he's as cute as a bug, and we can still spend long periods talking about all sorts of things. If his looks had chased me away, I'd have missed out in a big way. (Mind you, I also met and dated a number of GORGEOUS men through the same site, but none with anything like the personality.)
5. This is supposed to be fun. If you're not having fun in this adventure, don't blame yourself. Just relax and stay safe and the fun part will follow. Even the worst horror stories have their funny sides, and my funniest worst experience ended with a wonderful time at the opera, an formal introduction to Vegemite, and very fond memories. Just don't take any of it too seriously, except the safety part.
Good luck. I know a large number of women who have met, and married, wonderful men they've met online through dating services. I think the secret in a lot of cases is not to expect too much, and not to take it too seriously. Oh, yeah, and to worry more about whether you like him than whether he likes you.
(By the way, I was just out of a long term relationship with a wonderful man, whom I still love and stay in touch with, when I met my husband. I was not looking for a "relationship", just for practice with casual dating, because there were too many other more important things in my life at the time. Instead, I met a man who was the face in the mirror, who could finish my sentences from the first, who could keep up with my ideas and add his own. The first time he ever called me by a nickname, it was the one my mother had used for me -- which he didn't know -- and that was the magic sign that he was The One for me. Funny, it happened when I wasn't looking for it.)
I hope some of this has helped, and that you have a good time with your adventure -- now that you've gotten rid of the wailer!
poster:Racer
thread:300131
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/300680.html