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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 13:57:37
My boss finally came in my office and asked me about the newsletter that should have been done about a month ago. It hasn't even gone to the printer yet, and now that it's the end of the year and holiday time, it probably/definitely won't get printed until after the first of the year.
And it's all my fault. I know it. I procrastinate, and waste time, and now he's upset with me and I have no one to blame but myself.
And, really, it makes me want to go home and take a handful of pills and say to h**l with it. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I know I deserve for him to be upset with me. He's been nothing but patient, and, yet, I can't seem to get anything done. And I knew this was coming. I KNEW IT. Yet, I continued to put off and put off. I deserve to be fired. I know that. And I won't be surprised if I am.
I can't do this anymore. My T says not to say that I "can't." But I can't. There has to come a breaking point, and I'm almost there. And no one knows how to make it better. Because it's an internal problem - it's MY problem. I AM the problem.
I wish I was dead. Really. I wish I could just lie down right now and die without any effort.
What am I going to do??? Call my therapist? Call my pdoc? So they can say what?
Something is seriously not right with me, and I know it, but I don't know what to do about it. And I expect that my boss will want to talk with me further at some point soon, but I don't know if I can face him. I feel like my world is ending. And it's all my fault.
:-((
P
Posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2003, at 14:07:55
In reply to Not that I wasn't expecting it, but..., posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 13:57:37
Penny,
You are sounding increasingly upset. I'm worried about you. I wish you could value your life more. I know it is hard, but you have to keep trying.
I think that you should call either your therapist or your pdoc. Maybe you pdoc? Someone local who can help needs to know how you are feeling. Please post who you'll talk to?
(((((Penny)))))
Posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 14:25:14
In reply to Re: Not that I wasn't expecting it, but... » Penny, posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2003, at 14:07:55
I'm babysitting tonight, so I won't be able to talk to anyone until after. I guess I'll page my pdoc "911" tonight after I get home...my cell phone isn't working properly, so it doesn't make sense to page him until I'm home, as there's no way for him to reach me.
I apologize for making you worried. I'm feeling extremely hopeless right now and not in the best frame of mind. Trying to just get some work done. Not that it matters.
Thanks for caring.
P
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 10, 2003, at 14:28:24
In reply to Not that I wasn't expecting it, but..., posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 13:57:37
maybe you need to talk to someone on the phone...
can you call a crisis line ..
or get a hold of someone at your nearest hospital..
they are there to help..
they are there for you..
i feel really helpless..
please post soon
j
Posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 14:48:29
In reply to penny..., posted by justyourlaugh on December 10, 2003, at 14:28:24
Thank you for caring, JYL. I'm sorry to make you feel helpless. I'm okay for now - at work, then home only long enough to walk the dogs, then babysitting, which usually cheers me up. After babysitting I'll page my pdoc "911" and ask him what to do.
I don't have internet access at home anymore, so I won't be able to post tonight, so please, don't worry. I WILL call my doc.
Thanks again.
P
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 14:49:33
In reply to Not that I wasn't expecting it, but..., posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 13:57:37
I understand how you're feeling. Everything seems to be crashing in at once. I agree with Fallfall though. I'm worried about you. Don't worry about babysitting. Call your therapist now.
Do you have any meds for times like these? This would be a Risperdal moment for me. I keep them on hand for emergency crisis moments.
Call your pdoc or therapist from work before you go babysitting.
Take care of yourself. You're cared about here.
Posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 14:55:27
In reply to Re: Not that I wasn't expecting it, but... » Penny, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2003, at 14:49:33
The reason I am hesitant to call anyone now is because I would either have to page my pdoc, and wait for him to get back to me, or I would have to call my therapist and leave her a message and wait for her to get back with me. And we're not supposed to have personal calls at work, and I don't want my boss walking in my office and me on the phone in tears.
I do think the babysitting will be good - it's extra money that I need and I so enjoy the kids. It will get my mind off of things. And once I'm home I'll page my pdoc 'repeatedly' as he says, until he calls me back.
I don't have any meds for this kind of situation. I used to have Geodon, but not any more. In fact, I don't have many meds at all. My doc's been giving me samples, and he has my bag at his office, so I don't have access to enough meds to do any real damage. I guess this is why...
Thanks, Dinah, for caring. As I told JYL, I don't have internet access at home anymore, so I won't be able to post tonight. But I will call my doc.
P
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 10, 2003, at 15:01:49
In reply to Re: penny... » justyourlaugh, posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 14:48:29
thanks for following up ..
we do really care..
i hope you have a great walk..
j
Posted by jane d on December 10, 2003, at 15:45:06
In reply to Not that I wasn't expecting it, but..., posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 13:57:37
Penny,
I'll try to write a better response later but I hope to catch you while your still at a computer. The same thing has happened to me more than once. It does happen and it's not your fault even tho it feels like it is. Try to hold on to that thought.> And, really, it makes me want to go home and take a handful of pills and say to h**l with it. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I know I deserve for him to be upset with me. He's been nothing but patient, and, yet, I can't seem to get anything done. And I knew this was coming. I KNEW IT. Yet, I continued to put off and put off.
Yes. I do that too. And I can never understand WHY I can't just do the stuff. Or how other people can. Until I'm feeling better when suddenly it becomes so much easier and I realize that not being able to do my work was not an inherent part of who I am. Or of who you are.
>
> I can't do this anymore. My T says not to say that I "can't." But I can't. There has to come a breaking point, and I'm almost there. And no one knows how to make it better. Because it's an internal problem - it's MY problem. I AM the problem.It's your problem. Yes. But you are not the problem.
> What am I going to do??? Call my therapist? Call my pdoc? So they can say what?
I don't know. This too shall pass? It never comforted me much, especially since at the time I never believed it. In the case of your pdoc maybe it's not what he says but what he does. Make him realize how serious this is. And that he needs to be as agressive as he can be with medication.
> Something is seriously not right with me, and I know it, but I don't know what to do about it.
See above. And ask for help. It's the hardest thing to do but it's also the ony thing to do.
Keep us posted.
Jane.
Posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 15:55:34
In reply to Re: Not that I wasn't expecting it, but... » Penny, posted by jane d on December 10, 2003, at 15:45:06
Thanks, Jane.
I'm getting ready to head out in a few, and I've been sitting here this afternoon tense, nervous, nauseated, and nearly in tears. I'm trying to internalize what you said about me not being the problem. But I'm having a hard time - this seems to be a pattern with me and my jobs. I've had three jobs since I've been out of college (full-time jobs, that is), and they all went this way. I would barely get my work done, if I got it done at all, and my bosses would end up thinking less of me. At my first job, they told me to leave my problems at the door, and they rescinded a job offer they had made to me when I wasn't happy enough. My second boss put up with me, but he found my moodiness frustrating as well, even though I tried very hard to not bring it to work. My current boss has been extremely patient, but I know I'm not what he expected when he hired me, and I feel confident that the department would have been better off hiring someone else.
I have a headache now. I am soooo frustrated with myself. I try to not let these things happen - it's not that I WANT to do a bad job - but I can't seem to keep up with everything. I feel overburdened, and I shouldn't.
Oh well...I guess I'll just suck it up for right now and hope that tomorrow's better. And when he comes to talk to me some more, I'll just keep my mouth shut and pray that the tears stay away. Though I know that's not likely...
Thanks.
P
Posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 8:04:38
In reply to Not that I wasn't expecting it, but..., posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 13:57:37
Well, I babysat last night, which took my mind off of things, but afterwards I was still feeling pretty low. I didn't get home until almost 11:30, and I didn't expect that my pdoc would be asleep (I don't think he sleeps much!), but I expected he might be home, or on the way home from Charlotte. I paged him twice, but his pager sounded funny (no message, which is unusual), so then I was afraid that maybe it wasn't working properly, or maybe the number had changed and I didn't know it, so I called his Charlotte office (it was now almost midnight), and, lo and behold, he answered the phone. I said, "I didn't really expect that you'd be there..." and he was like, "oh, yeah." Anyway, he called me back as he was on another line when he answered, and I ended up crying on the phone with him for half an hour. I told him that I don't know what I expected him to do, but that I had told you guys that I would call him, so I was, and he said that was good. And it's strange, but I think he's better with helping me with the regular day-to-day stuff than my therapist. He's very practical, honest, and supportive. I was hysterical, crying and really upset, and he talked me through it.
Still, when I got off the phone, I went through another crying spell and then finally went to sleep. And this morning I'm at work, but I don't know what's going to happen when my boss gets here - will I lose my job? I don't know. I would hope that I would get an official 'warning' before it came to that, but N.C. is a 'right-to-work' state, which means, so I've been told, that they can fire you with no notice. I don't know. I still am feeling like I wish I was dead. Like I don't want to do any of this anymore. I told my pdoc that, and he tried to joke with me a bit, and ended up making me laugh when he said something about how I need to be there for "smidgen and precious" (referring to my dogs, whose names are NOT smidgen and precious).
I just hope that when my boss approaches, as I fully expect him to, I don't end up in tears. My pdoc said, "If you do, you do." and I replied, "Yeah, but that's gotten me in trouble in the past with my bosses, and I don't need that...but I can't help it."
I feel nauseated and nervous. I wish I could disappear. Told my doc that I didn't think I could face work today, and he said, "What would that accomplish?" I feel ashamed, like a failure, like a bad person. My doc said, "There's more to life than work." and I told him that perhaps so, but work and finances were first and foremost in my mind right now, and I'm not dealing well with either.
So, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't talked to my grandmother in two days, as I don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not doing well. Actually, I just don't want her to start hounding me about it. I see my therapist this evening. Hopefully she will be helpful.
I guess I should get some work done. I have a newsletter to finish, even though I've already screwed up royally.
I really really wish I understood why I put myself in these predicaments. I feel miserable...do I enjoy making myself miserable? Do I want to lose my job? Am I trying to prove to myself that I AM, indeed, a failure? I don't know. Maybe all of the above.
I don't like myself very much today. :-(
P
Posted by fallsfall on December 11, 2003, at 8:21:19
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 8:04:38
You did Awesomely well last night, Penny.
I used to be a manager, and I would think that if I was going to fire someone for something that I wouldn't complain about it one day and fire them the next. I would do it all together. So I'm not so sure there is another shoe to drop.
Breathe deeply. Take things slow, but keep moving. Be really honest with your therapist tonight. And make sure she knows that life isn't looking so attractive to you right now.
(((((Penny)))))
Posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 9:49:27
In reply to Re: Update » Penny, posted by fallsfall on December 11, 2003, at 8:21:19
I hope you're right...
I checked the human resources web site just now and it seems that I am supposed to recieve two 'official' warnings/disciplinary actions before being 'dismissed' for unsatisfactory job performance.
Personally, I think I just need to keep a low profile, and look for another job...maybe something I might actually enjoy.
Though I just have no energy for that.
I can't get over sitting on the phone with my pdoc from midnight - 12:30 a.m., in tears, and we didn't even discuss medication. I really don't know what I would do without him.
And I don't know what I would do without you, and the other babblers.
I am going to try to be as honest as I can with my therapist.
I just want to go home and stay under the covers with my dogs...it's one of the few places I feel safe anymore.
Too much friggin' stress.
P
Posted by DaisyM on December 11, 2003, at 14:56:48
In reply to Re: Update » fallsfall, posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 9:49:27
Penny,
In CA, stress is a qualifying disability diagnosis, which I'm guessing it is in NC too. If you TRULY think you might get fired, you may want to consider going out on disability, which will protect you and your insurance. Your pdDoc can sign the papers. Usually the pay is low but it is better than unemployment AND most of your creditors have to respect the disability and wait for payment.
just a thought. Take care of yourself.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 12, 2003, at 8:40:46
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 8:04:38
> Well, I babysat last night, which took my mind off of things, but afterwards I was still feeling pretty low.
<<these breaks from the tension are helpful
>I didn't get home until almost 11:30, and I didn't expect that my pdoc would be asleep (I don't think he sleeps much!), but I expected he might be home, or on the way home from Charlotte. I paged him twice, but his pager sounded funny (no message, which is unusual), so then I was afraid that maybe it wasn't working properly, or maybe the number had changed and I didn't know it, so I called his Charlotte office (it was now almost midnight), and, lo and behold, he answered the phone.
<<I can almost feel the anxiety you must have been feeling. I know when my anxiety gets that high it just seems like nothing can happed fast enough.
> I said, "I didn't really expect that you'd be there..." and he was like, "oh, yeah."
<< I am so glad he contradicted that expectation you felt. You deserve to have someone there for you, especially someone you want there...
>He's very practical, honest, and supportive.
< <He's got some terrific supportive traits...
>I was hysterical, crying and really upset, and he talked me through it.
<<I am so glad you got what you needed at that moment.
>And this morning I'm at work, but I don't know what's going to happen when my boss gets here - will I lose my job?
<<I hate that anxious feeling of not knowing what is going to happen. My heart goes out to you.
> I still am feeling like I wish I was dead. Like I don't want to do any of this anymore.
<<you are not alone in wishing that lately. I am still puzzling over what... death... really means when I wish for it. Maybe a break....a deep rest... desire for all the tension and stress to stop. To breath and have all this anxiety to go away….?
>I told my pdoc that, and he tried to joke with me a bit, and ended up making me laugh when he said something about how I need to be there for "smidgen and precious" (referring to my dogs, whose names are NOT smidgen and precious).
<<For me laughter can give a, well needed, break and the problems look a little less important for a few minutes...
> I just hope that when my boss approaches, as I fully expect him to, I don't end up in tears. My pdoc said, "If you do, you do." and I replied, "Yeah, but that's gotten me in trouble in the past with my bosses, and I don't need that...but I can't help it."
<< looks like you've been deeply hurt around this topic...Maybe?
>I feel nauseated and nervous. I wish I could disappear.I feel ashamed, like a failure, like a bad person.
<< I know what that feeling is like, I am so sorry you are experiencing that too.
I would like to share this with you:
You are a good person facing a painful, stressful time….you are surrounded by all of us and our caring for you. Can you take a moment to see yourself in a circle of our calming, healing, energy…you don't have to do anything but open a tiny bit and let a little in…..
(Just put the other stuff aside for a moment. It will wait for you.) We are here.
Jai Narayan
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2003, at 9:02:27
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 8:04:38
For the record, I like you very much right now.
I hope your therapist was able to help some, and that work is going ok.
Posted by Penny on December 12, 2003, at 9:09:05
In reply to Re: How are you today? » Penny, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2003, at 9:02:27
Thanks for asking, Dinah.
And I like you very much too!
I'm doing okay...posted a message on psychological babble about therapy last night. It went pretty well...
I have a slight headache that I had most of last night, but I'm hoping it will go away.
Work is work, I guess. Not happy with it at all, as I still feel overwhelmed and stressed and bored. My boss has yet to approach me again, though I expect he will soon. I'm trying to keep a low profile and avoid him right now, and just get my projects done. And then, I think, after the first of the year, my number one project should be to look for a new job. Sigh. I don't want this to get any worse, and I would like to leave on my own terms, without being made to leave, and I would like a job that might give me some satisfaction, and, better yet, pay the bills.
Guess we'll see. How are you?
P
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