Posted by Jai Narayan on December 12, 2003, at 8:40:46
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 8:04:38
> Well, I babysat last night, which took my mind off of things, but afterwards I was still feeling pretty low.
<<these breaks from the tension are helpful
>I didn't get home until almost 11:30, and I didn't expect that my pdoc would be asleep (I don't think he sleeps much!), but I expected he might be home, or on the way home from Charlotte. I paged him twice, but his pager sounded funny (no message, which is unusual), so then I was afraid that maybe it wasn't working properly, or maybe the number had changed and I didn't know it, so I called his Charlotte office (it was now almost midnight), and, lo and behold, he answered the phone.
<<I can almost feel the anxiety you must have been feeling. I know when my anxiety gets that high it just seems like nothing can happed fast enough.
> I said, "I didn't really expect that you'd be there..." and he was like, "oh, yeah."
<< I am so glad he contradicted that expectation you felt. You deserve to have someone there for you, especially someone you want there...
>He's very practical, honest, and supportive.
< <He's got some terrific supportive traits...
>I was hysterical, crying and really upset, and he talked me through it.
<<I am so glad you got what you needed at that moment.
>And this morning I'm at work, but I don't know what's going to happen when my boss gets here - will I lose my job?
<<I hate that anxious feeling of not knowing what is going to happen. My heart goes out to you.
> I still am feeling like I wish I was dead. Like I don't want to do any of this anymore.
<<you are not alone in wishing that lately. I am still puzzling over what... death... really means when I wish for it. Maybe a break....a deep rest... desire for all the tension and stress to stop. To breath and have all this anxiety to go away….?
>I told my pdoc that, and he tried to joke with me a bit, and ended up making me laugh when he said something about how I need to be there for "smidgen and precious" (referring to my dogs, whose names are NOT smidgen and precious).
<<For me laughter can give a, well needed, break and the problems look a little less important for a few minutes...
> I just hope that when my boss approaches, as I fully expect him to, I don't end up in tears. My pdoc said, "If you do, you do." and I replied, "Yeah, but that's gotten me in trouble in the past with my bosses, and I don't need that...but I can't help it."
<< looks like you've been deeply hurt around this topic...Maybe?
>I feel nauseated and nervous. I wish I could disappear.I feel ashamed, like a failure, like a bad person.
<< I know what that feeling is like, I am so sorry you are experiencing that too.
I would like to share this with you:
You are a good person facing a painful, stressful time….you are surrounded by all of us and our caring for you. Can you take a moment to see yourself in a circle of our calming, healing, energy…you don't have to do anything but open a tiny bit and let a little in…..
(Just put the other stuff aside for a moment. It will wait for you.) We are here.
Jai Narayan
poster:Jai Narayan
thread:288437
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/289048.html