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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 16:59:45
I don't know what to do. I was physically/verbally threatened this weekend by this guy I've only known for a couple of weeks. I really liked this guy. He seemed great at first: nice, friendly, fun, funny, good with kids, etc.
Well, on our second night of seeing eachother, we were at the club. After taking a break from dancing, he went to get a drink. I sat down and while he was away, this guy started to talk to me. He must have seen this because when he came back, he said that if that guy kept talking to me he'd break his neck.
Then later in the night, he treatened to break my son's dads jaw. I said, "no, why are you saying this?". Then, he said "okay, I'll break your jaw then."
Nothing happened after that. He didn't physically touch me. But, I am really frightened. He was drinking alot that night so I'm not even sure if he remembers this.
This is the first time I've ever been in this kind of situation. I'm sure it'd be best not to contact him anymore which I plan on doing. I'm not going to initiate any contact. But, I'm afraid he'll contact me. He doesn't know my number, but knows where I live. We live in the same complex.
On the advice of another person, I recorded it to the police, but am not going to file a report. I'm too scared.
On the other hand, and I know this is crazy, but I still really like him. I really enjoyed being with him (except for this). We have fun together. Maybe I'm just making too big a deal out of this. I don't know. He's been seperated from his wife now for awhile, and has told me that he had a domestic in the past, but that it was her that did the abuse.
Any advice would be helpful. I don't know how to handle this if I run into him again or if he contacts me. I'm scared and I'm afraid that this weakness will give into him.
Please Help.
Arrianna
Posted by Sebastian on September 1, 2003, at 19:08:13
In reply to Physically threatened..SCARED..HELP!, posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 16:59:45
Maybe you should tell social sevices and the police to not allow him within 100 yards for threatning you. If you don't take action he probably will do something.
Posted by fallsfall on September 1, 2003, at 20:23:49
In reply to Physically threatened..SCARED..HELP!, posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 16:59:45
Arrianna,
I think that you should follow your instincts and not see this guy again. I think that if he comes to your apartment that you could say something like "I don't think that we have a future together - I didn't feel any chemistry. I'm sorry.". It would be hard for him to argue with that, but there also isn't really anything he could do to change your mind. Hopefully he would let it stop with that.
I guess that I'm hoping that you can get him to forget you with as little commotion as possible.
If he starts coming back repeatedly, then it is a different story. But let's cross that bridge when we come to it.
You are not the first woman to like someone who could be abusive to her. He has many qualities - one of which is that he believes every solution includes bodily harm. Some of his other qualities are wonderful. But this particular one can make you miserable, hurt or worse.
Sometimes women to get into relationships with abusive men either were abused as children, or had parents who were abusive. It is so easy to choose our relationships as adults based on what we saw as kids. It takes lots of effort to NOT follow those patterns.
You do NOT want to be in a relationship with someone who scares you.
Posted by Phil on September 1, 2003, at 20:36:09
In reply to Physically threatened..SCARED..HELP!, posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 16:59:45
Arrianna,
Don't kid yourself. STAY AWAY from this guy or you will regret it.
This loser will ruin your life. Never see him again."Then, he said "okay, I'll break your jaw then."
Second date and he has physically threatened you.
Good human beings just don't say that and I promise you his wife has a different story. He's separated because she's probably running for her life. If he's separated at all.I don't want to alarm you but this guy will be trouble. You might chat with the police to see if he has a record.
Please take care,
Phil
Posted by gabbix2 on September 1, 2003, at 21:08:33
In reply to Re: Physically threatened..SCARED..HELP! » Arrianna, posted by Phil on September 1, 2003, at 20:36:09
Phil's telling it like it is, Arianna.
The problem with abusers is that they're never all bad.
If they were all bad, we wouldn't fall for them. Unfortunately they can be very intelligent, charming and good company, and then ruin your life.Its only on t.v where they have one dimensional personalities.
I've rationalized way too many, comments like what your date said.
One guy wund up killing my dog, and what he did to me I won't get into. He also claimed his ex was responsible for the domestic abuse.There were more, and every single one was a mistake.
Take Phils advice please. I swear there are no exceptions where a comment like your dates would be acceptable, or not be sign of worse things to come if you see him again. You aren't over reacting.
My life HAS been ruined by this, you don't get extra time at the end to make up for it.Take care of yourself first.
G.
Posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 22:19:53
In reply to Physically threatened..SCARED..HELP!, posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 16:59:45
Thanks everyone for your prompt replys. I have been worried about this all weekend and can't get it out of my head. Everytime I hear an unfamiliar noise or see someone out of the corner of my eye, I jump thinking it's him.
You are all right. I WAS fooling myself. I don't want to see him again. He is NOT worth it, nor is the risk of rationalizing away his behavior worth it!
I did state in my previous post that I recorded his threats to the police, but did not file a report. I'm too afraid that if I do, he would retaliate. If it happens again though, I will. Then, the dispatcher said she couldn't give me any info. on his criminal background especially since I won't file a report at this time.
So, I'm thinking about going on-line to do a background check on him. I've seen on-line before that you can get this info. for a fee. I think it'd be worth it.
With your advice, I have decided that if he comes around again, I will tell him that I can't see him again because I have too much going on in my life right now. I'm going to tell him, too, that I am a recovering alcoholic (which is true), and I need to be around sober people, and that it's nothing against his use. Hopefully, he'll accept this and let it go at that. Also, if he comes to the door, I'm going to bring down my phone, so he'll know that if he tried anything, I could easily call 911. Then, I'll just tell him I have plans and have to go.
It'll be hard, but now I know it's what I have to do for my safety, and especially my son's. I can't put his life at jeopardy either.
Thanks again for your support!! I really needed it. And for G: I'm so sorry to hear that you were in an abusive relationship!!!! Nobody deserves that; and I now understand how easy it can be to rationalize this unacceptable behavior and blame ourselves. I don't how your healing is with this, but please know it WASN'T your fault. Also, good for you for getting OUT! Your post has helped save me from alot of unneccessary pain and suffering. Thank You.
Arriann
Posted by gabbix2 on September 1, 2003, at 22:30:50
In reply to Re: Physically threatened..SCARED..HELP!, posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 22:19:53
Arianna, thank you for the note, it made me teary,
and I'm so glad you've made that decision.
I just wanted to add, I think its really easy
for those of us, who suffer from depression or
other illnesses to rationalize others behavior.I'd always say to myself "well I'm not perfect I can sit on the couch and cry all day and thats not "normal" so I don't want to overreact if someone I'm dating isn't perfect That was my mistake. I'm so glad you aren't making it yours.
You have no idea!
Posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 22:58:44
In reply to Re: thanks, » Arrianna, posted by gabbix2 on September 1, 2003, at 22:30:50
G-
I totally "hear" you. It is easy for us who are in a bad mental state to forgive others because we feel so horrible about ourselves and think we deserve it.I've heard it's this vulnerability that predators/abusers "sniff" out. It's like they have a radar or something. They truly do have a keen "sense" for it.
I didn't think I was vulnerable when I met this guy, but looking back now, I had alot of emotional crap going on. I've been trying to leave my son's dad for some time now, and when I had met him, I was making plans to leave. (The relationship with my son's dad is another story: not abusive, just very UNHEALTHY for me and some emotional abuse, I guess). Anyway, that's when this guy really started to move in on me.
Again, I really feel for you! We don't ever deserve to be abused in any circumstance. Can I ask you if you are going to counseling now? Also, how long have you been out of this relationship? If it's not too hard for you, I'd like to hear more about your experience. I think it could help me. But, REALLY, I understand if it's too difficult.
Hugs,
Arrianna
Posted by Susan J on September 2, 2003, at 13:04:45
In reply to Physically threatened..SCARED..HELP!, posted by Arrianna on September 1, 2003, at 16:59:45
Arrianna,
Sounds like you are doing a great job handling this. I just wanted to give some practical tips, too. I used to work in the jail/court system and saw many, many domestic violence cases.
1. If he even says it verbally, he's likely to actually commit the act, or some type of act of violence. Normal people don't go around saying they'll break your jaw, even in jest.
2. If you live in the same apartment (rental?) complex, I'd let the management office know, too.
3. Record everything that happens between the two of you, just jot it down on a piece of paper.
4. Get a deadbolt on the door if you don't have one. Look for other ways someone can get in other than the door, and secure those.
5. Try not to go out alone, especially at night. If not possible and you have to go out alone, park as close to your building as possible, but in a HIGHLY visible place, like under a street light, and no bushes near it where he could hide, etc.
6. Have your keys out ready to immediately get in and out of your car. Always lock your car.
7. Do you have kids? Let them know not to have any contact with him either. Let their schools know he's not allowed to see them.
8. If it's legal where you live, carry mace/hot pepper spray. It's best not to own a weapon that can be taken away from you and used against you, so I'd advise no guns. Mace can debilitate most people, at least giving you a chance to run. I used to walk with my finger on the trigger when I worked in bad parts of town.
9. Display an air of self-confidence, wherever you go. He's less likely to bother you if you "seem" strong, even if you feel scared inside.
10. Always have an escape route in mind. NEVER EVER AGAIN let him in your place. NEVER ride in the same car as him.
I know it seems like overkill, but people like him do NOT know how to handle anger and jealousy in normal, predictable, or constructive ways.
Good luck. The fact you have had little contact with this guy means he'll probably just move on. The LESS contact you have with him the better. If you take control of the situation by doing these types of protective things, you'll feel much better, more secure, more self-confident.
Susan
Posted by Arrianna on September 2, 2003, at 15:13:23
In reply to Some Practical Advice As Well » Arrianna, posted by Susan J on September 2, 2003, at 13:04:45
Susan:
Thanks so much for the tips!! They are really helpful, and it is so much better to be safe than sorry as the saying goes.
Luckily, I haven't seen him or had any contact with him since the incident. But, I have a feeling that it won't be long before he trys to contact me, so I do want to be prepared.
Last night, I did alot of searching and reading about abuse on the internet. Learning alot about it and am realizing that the relationship I am currently in with my son's dad is psychological/emotionally abusive. Am preparing to leave him in a couple of months, too.
Anyway, your tips will hopefully prevent anything further from happening. Wondering, tho, where can I purchase Mace?
Thanks,
Arrianna
Posted by Susan J on September 3, 2003, at 13:02:33
In reply to Re: Thanks! ?Susan J, posted by Arrianna on September 2, 2003, at 15:13:23
I guess it depends on where you live. Are you in the States? If so, is it legal in your state? In Maryland, we can buy it at Sonny's Surplus Military Supply Store. Police supply stores also carry it, and I'm sure you can order it online.
Good luck,
Susan
Posted by gabbix2 on September 3, 2003, at 14:09:04
In reply to Finding Mace » Arrianna, posted by Susan J on September 3, 2003, at 13:02:33
My hunch is this guy is not going to do anything at all if you tell him to move on. He sounds more like an abusive mate, than a psycho on the loose to me. Better safe than sorry though.
I have no problem at all telling you about my former relationship, but I appreciate your understanding.
I just don't know how to start.
I wanted to let you know that now, in case you were worried that
maybe you'd put me off or something because I hadn't answered. (We're all so sensitive here)
But I'm going to have to think of how to put the important points in a readable post which for me can be very challenging! I'll be back soonThanks again for the encouraging words.
hugs to you too.
Posted by Arrianna on September 4, 2003, at 0:42:25
In reply to Arianna, and hello Susan J, posted by gabbix2 on September 3, 2003, at 14:09:04
G-
Glad you posted back. Was beginning to worry, but I'm so glad it's okay. Take your time.
Ran into "that guy" again today. Actually, he was riding his bike around my parking lot today when I get home. Not a coincidence: there's 30 buildings at my clomplex, and he lives way on the other side.
Anyway, I knew that if I wanted it over, I knew I had to make it clear to him that I couldn't see him anymore. However, 5 days have passed since I've seen him, and so I had started to take the situation more lightly.
I tried telling him I couldn't see him anymore: I told him I couldn't be around him because of my drinking, and if I was with him I'd just drink. He then told me he wouldn't let me, and we didn't have to drink together. Anyway, I let the conversation to go way too long partly because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt: believe he's a good guy, and then because I was afraid to handle it wrong.
Well, he wants me to call him tomorrow. I REALLY don't want to, but now I'm scared not to! I'm already letting him have power over me. AAAH. I'm thinking though it may be easier to have the courage and be straight with him on the phone.
Pray for me.Hugs,
Arrianna
Posted by fallsfall on September 4, 2003, at 7:55:57
In reply to Re: Hi Gabbix2 » gabbix2, posted by Arrianna on September 4, 2003, at 0:42:25
I think that you should not call him.
What do the rest of you think?
Posted by Phil on September 4, 2003, at 8:24:15
In reply to Re: Hi Gabbix2 » gabbix2, posted by Arrianna on September 4, 2003, at 0:42:25
Never call him, he's already displaying addictive behavior by lurking in your parking lot.
This guy is not nice and if you contact him again he'll be harder to get rid of than fleas on a dog. Show him in every way that you are not interested. Don't answer his calls which soon will become abusive and if he lurks again, tell him you don't want to see him again or have any contact with him. Apartments should run background checks on residents; casually ask your apt office if they do that and let them know your concerns. If they have security, buy the people a cup of coffee and get to know them. Protect yourself first.
This person, or any other, has to prove himself to you.
Be strong, he doesn't know what you're capable of either.my .02
Posted by fallsfall on September 4, 2003, at 11:46:25
In reply to Re: Hi Gabbix2 » gabbix2, posted by Arrianna on September 4, 2003, at 0:42:25
Buying the security guy a cup of coffee is brilliant.
Posted by Tabitha on September 4, 2003, at 13:21:27
In reply to Re: Hi Gabbix2 » gabbix2, posted by Arrianna on September 4, 2003, at 0:42:25
Another vote for NOT calling him. Just starve him out, don't give him any attention or hope. By making the excuse about the drinking, you were trying to be nice, but it gave him something to argue with. Next time if he forces a confrontation just tell him you're not interested, sorry. Don't engage in an argument about the reasons. Just repeat your position. For example, 'I'm sorry, I just don't want to date you.' 'I don't know exactly why, I just don't feel interested in dating you.' 'I know myself well enough to know my feelings won't change on this.' 'Sorry, you're not the right guy for me.'
He'll find another target for his attention soon enough.
Posted by Gabbix2 on September 4, 2003, at 13:40:24
In reply to Re: Hi Gabbix2 » Arrianna, posted by fallsfall on September 4, 2003, at 11:46:25
It was kind of tempting to leave that subject heading the way it was. I liked all those "Hi Gabbi's"
Arianna when I read your post I had such a
visceral reaction to it, my heart was pounding. When I read
"I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt"
I wanted to scream "He doesn't deserve it"
He's already playing power game with you.
As you've mentioned.
You said you didn't want to go out with him and why, he had no respect for that.It might not look like it, its so subtle but its is a flashing warning sign.
In a great book I read called
"The Gift of Fear" bu Gavin de Becker, who
studies the patterns of stalkers and abusers for a living.
He mentions that humans, women especially are the only people who will ignore there fears and instincts, and yet they are there for our survival.
In the wild a rabbit doesn't hear something and flinch, and then go 'Oh its probably nothing"
Only humans do that.You don't have to be polite. He was not polite.
He's had no respect for you on two occasions now.Women are brought up to be polite and thats the danger.
Giving men who were persistant,or
intrusive or who wanted to "Save me" (another
power trip) the benefit of the doubt is what got me where I am, and its no place you want to be.Phil again, was right on about everything as far
as I'm concerned. Do not encourage him. He'll only hear what he wants too.Do not call him. He can't be reasoned with
obviously, he hasn't listened to you yet, and he
hardly knows you. This is the time he's supposed to be on his BEST behavior, god only knows what will happen later on.
Posted by Gabbix2 on September 4, 2003, at 13:44:11
In reply to Re: don't call him, posted by Tabitha on September 4, 2003, at 13:21:27
Yeah, exactly. Don't give him anything to argue with, thats the key.
Posted by Liligoth on September 4, 2003, at 19:35:17
In reply to Re: don't call him » Tabitha, posted by Gabbix2 on September 4, 2003, at 13:44:11
Posted by Ilene on September 4, 2003, at 21:21:16
In reply to Re: don't call him, posted by Tabitha on September 4, 2003, at 13:21:27
> Another vote for NOT calling him. Just starve him out, don't give him any attention or hope. By making the excuse about the drinking, you were trying to be nice, but it gave him something to argue with. Next time if he forces a confrontation just tell him you're not interested, sorry. Don't engage in an argument about the reasons. Just repeat your position. For example, 'I'm sorry, I just don't want to date you.' 'I don't know exactly why, I just don't feel interested in dating you.' 'I know myself well enough to know my feelings won't change on this.' 'Sorry, you're not the right guy for me.'
>
> He'll find another target for his attention soon enough.Despite the fact that I can hardly ever bring myself to follow my own advice, don't give a reason for not seeing him, because he will always argue you down, e.g:
"What do you mean, you don't know exactly why?"
"Why aren't you interested?"
"Not good enough for you?"This is one of the only situations where "just say no" has any validity. "I'm so sorry, I can't do it, thanks for your time" might work. Then quitely and deliberately retreat.
Ilene
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 4, 2003, at 23:44:59
In reply to The benefit of the doubt, posted by Gabbix2 on September 4, 2003, at 13:40:24
> a great book I read called
> "The Gift of Fear" bu Gavin de BeckerI'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
The first time anyone refers to a book without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though, and doesn't *have* to be used. If people *choose* not to use it, I'd be interested why not, but I'd like that redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks!
Bob
Posted by Arrianna on September 4, 2003, at 23:57:27
In reply to Re: don't call him, posted by Ilene on September 4, 2003, at 21:21:16
Hello All,
Just wanted to thank you all at once for your support and advice. It's good to know I have support encouraging me in the right direction.
You all will be happy to know that I did not call him!! Yeah!! After reading your posts, I got to thinking, and thought that it ridiculous of myself to think I need to call this guy when I didn't want to in the first place, but just because I thought I needed to please him.
A big lesson for me about people pleasing and assertiveness. Assertiveness and being true to myself is something I need to continue to work on.
We don't have any security guards here or else I'd buy them coffee. Instead, maybe I'll buy the maintenance people some. They're always driving around in their little carts. Lol. Thanks Phil!
Thanks again everyone for your support and encouragement!! You guys have been great!! Hopefully, this will be the end of this drama.
Holding on,
Arrianna
This is the end of the thread.
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