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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 21:13:08
I'm just so sick of all this. I HATE my life. I feel sooooo much anger and hurt today and have taken so much medication and I'm still crying and nobody understands me or even cares to ask me how I am. F#$@ them all. I don't care anymore. I really don't care.
Angel Girl
Posted by IsoM on May 6, 2002, at 23:26:00
In reply to I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 21:13:08
Angel, you do care - you do. If you didn't, you wouldn't have posted here. All you're asking for is understanding & acceptance from others. We all need to feel someone cares for us. That's what these boards do for many - provide a link to someone who cares enough to ask how we are, to encourage us, to hear us out when things get painful, to show that we're not totally alone in our pain.
What's so awful about this world now, is this feeling of being alone & isolated even when we're surrounded by others. So many people are so filled with either their own pursuits or their own pain that they don't look around at others.
Sweetie, please say what's bothering you, what's eating away at you. We, at least, DO care. There are others out there in the real physical world who care, but just not as many as we wish. When you find a person like that, you'll know. Please do spill to us. We'll do what we can.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 23:54:15
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! » Angel Girl, posted by IsoM on May 6, 2002, at 23:26:00
There's no point anymore. I don't fit in anywhere in society. I have one f'ing bad day and display my anger and once again everybody abandons me. I'm tired of even trying anymore. What's the point. Nothing is going to get any better. If I could make everyday good don't they think the f#@% I would???? Do they really think I WANT to be f'ing sick????? Why can't they see beyond their own problems to even try to see things from my point of view for once. Even though "I'm" sick, I have always been there for them, BUT as soon as I have a f'ing pissed off mood and I'm hurting off they go running after they blast me with their extremely harsh words, calling me childish and then tell me that they're not going to put up with me anymore.
I can't get along with people. I can't go through this without friends to be there for me. Fear of abandonment is one of the MAJOR symptoms of my diagnosis and that's EXACTLY what is happening and nobody the f&@# cares. So why should I anymore. I give the f&$@ up!!!! Life HURTS like HELL and I'm tired of all the hurt!!!!
Is it too much to ask to be loved????? I guess so because I can't find it. I don't even think it exists so I'm forgetting the whole f'ing deal.
Angel Girl
Posted by IsoM on May 7, 2002, at 0:46:22
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 23:54:15
Angel, my theory may be flawed - maybe it's just something to help me but I think the more common you are, the more others that are common can accept you. It's the gems that people have trouble accepting.
I lived for 14 miserable years in a small Prairie town. Most people considered me weird but not in a nice way but as someone to avoid. I had a few good friends, but one was lots older than me & while we liked each other very much, had few interests in common. The other two lived more than 90 miles away & I only got to see them infrequently.
One day, someone I knew quite well from another small town nearby, dropped by to visit. I was very surprised but happy to see her. We didn't have lots in common, but it was nice to see someone. As I invited her in, I told her how pleased I was. She said, with an absolutely stright face & no intent to be insulting, that she'd first gone to see "such 'n such" but she wasn't home. Then she went to another, who was also not home. Tried another but she was out with her sister, & decided since she drove all the way here, she might as well drop by to see me.
That's how I was viewed. I even had another tell me if I wasn't so weird, people would visit me. I asked how I was weird - that if they wanted to talk about recipes & baking, I could. If they wanted to talk about babies, dirty diapers, & burping, I could. I could talk about whatever they wanted. But no - I was too weird. They were the most common, base people I ever knew.
Sorry to say, but that's the world in general - unconcerned, uncaring, & unthoughtful except where it concerns them. But Angel, there are other gems out there, but they're more rare & not as easily found. It took me a long time to find some truly real friends. I had one I met when I was 20 (who's still my best friend) but until I was 38, I never found any others who were close or true. I have some now & they're very precious to me.
You're angry & you deserve to be angry if you've been there for them but they turn their backs on you. They don't deserve to be called friends. But there are good people who won't treat you like that. The hurt gets so, so much to bear sometimes. I wish I could say or offer more. I really do.
Posted by Lou Pilder on May 7, 2002, at 6:00:25
In reply to I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 21:13:08
Angel Girl,
You say that no one cares about you. You say that you hate your life. Well I say "Good"! There is someone that cares about you so much that you can have a whole new life Your old self can pass away and you can have a new heart and a new mind and a new spirit. And it is free.
I once was on the same road as you . I was considering ending my life. But I was rescued from dispair. I was changed and my mind was renewed and I started a whole new life. Old things had passed away. I was given love, joy and peace. I was given the Crown of Life.
But narrow is the Gate and straight is the Way that leads to the Crown of Life. But anyone can go through that Gate. It is free.
When I went throgh that Gate, I wondered how a wretch , like me, could be allowed to be let in . I found out that when I reached the City of Peace, I was told ,"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
Lou
Posted by beardedlady on May 7, 2002, at 8:16:27
In reply to I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 21:13:08
I don't know what to say to you, AG. When I am hating my life, I wonder what someone else could say to me that would hit home. Does it help to be reminded that people are where you are so often, but that they survive, they endure, and they often rise above?
Two of my friends have abandoned me for their own reasons. One is just very busy and very selfish. The other is proud and doesn't like to be the one to call first, so she just won't call at all.
But I haven't been the greatest friend to them, either, I suppose. I complain constantly about my troubles--my aches and pains, my dizziness, my migraines, my insomnia, my ears, my nose. I have seen dozens of doctors in the last two years, and none of them pinpoint exact causes of all my troubles. I cheer when an x-ray shows a sinus infection. I rejoice when I get shingles or herpes or a cold or pink eye because, at last, it's something people can SEE.
I am dizzy. I have been dizzy since August first. In July, I had a brain MRI, and my brain was pristine. I had an ENG to determine the source of my dizziness. Nothing. I took migraine meds. Nothing. It's still here, and no one knows why, and no one can see it. (And one doctor is convinced it's migraine, though he can't make it stop.)
On Friday, I am having a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. They're getting me coming and going. My G-I doc also wants a gallbladder ultrasound, though I just had one nine months ago. He thinks I have an ulcer, reflux, or gallstones. My biggest fear? I'll find out on Friday that NOTHING was there.
I am worn out. I am tired of being sick, and I am tired of tests, and I am tired of doctors.
But you know what? I'm not tired of living. It has been great, and it will be great again. I don't know when, but I'll rejoice when it gets here.
I hope you have had good times to reflect upon. They are a big help when I go through troubled times. And think about what things people tell you that make you feel better. Those things are good to know. Sometimes I say to my sis, "I just want someone to tell me it's going to get better." She says, "But you know it will already! Of course it will get better. It has been great! This is just a phase, a little setback. No biggy. Go kiss your daughter." And I feel better.
I hope this helps.
If anyone else reads this, please don't respond to my own troubles on AG's thread. I would appreciate that. (Though you can start a thread for me somewhere else, if you have something that might help.)
beardy : )>
Posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2002, at 9:29:08
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! » Angel Girl, posted by beardedlady on May 7, 2002, at 8:16:27
I took too many pills last night. I can bearly stand up and I can't see what I'm typing. Doesn't matter. Nobody cares anymore anyway.
Angel Girl
Posted by Lou Pilder on May 7, 2002, at 9:43:45
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2002, at 9:29:08
AG,
You say that NOBODY cares anymore. You sound, to me, defeated. But you can have the victory over your dispair. You can rise up. When I travled the Road to the Crown of Life, I was in defeat also. But I found that you could ride throgh the arch of Triumph like the conquering Generals have done throughout history on a White Horse. When I was on that Road I was in defeat and cast down. But a voice from heaven said to me, "Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He shall lift you up."
Lou
Posted by Manda on May 7, 2002, at 12:49:59
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2002, at 9:29:08
Angel Girl,
I took too many pills about 4 weeks ago. I slept for over 20 hours, and not one of my suite mates acted like anything was wrong. They didn't appear to notice that I didn't wake up until that afternoon. I felt so badly- it was so bad the night before that I took all those pills, and then it was almost worse the next day because no one even noticed. It took several days for people to tell me that they cared, that they didn't want me to go, that they needed me. So... What's my point? I've been there. I've felt like no one gave a d*** whether I lived or died. HOWEVER, I realized soon after that day that people really do care, and that I am important in people's lives. So, please think about that. I know how horribly you must be feeling right now, but please know that there are people who care. The world is a better place because you are in it. PSB is especially affected by your presence, and we wouldn't want you to leave for anything in the world. Hang on. Better times WILL come, I promise. (And this coming from someone who laughs in people's faces who tell her this when she's really down. :) ) I really mean it. If I can have a good day, so can you. You have to keep living for the good days. There will be many more of them, I know. Keep posting- we want to hear from you.
Pax,
Manda
Posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2002, at 21:32:42
In reply to I CARE » Angel Girl, posted by Manda on May 7, 2002, at 12:49:59
I'm just so tired of all the hurt. Sure it goes away for a few days, maybe a week or two, but then it comes back in full force. Nobody can stand to be around me. I'm always there for everybody else in there time of need but when it's my turn, I don't get the same compassion. I'm told I don't deserve compassion. I've hurt and angered so many people. I have one friend, or at least I thought she was a friend, that was extremely stressed all weekend. I was with her, I listened, I comforted her, I acted on her behalf and then yesterday I'm not doing well and she says she's sick of my attitude and says she's not going to put up with any of my crap anymore. WTF is that???? My entire weekend's plans were put aside for her and after only one night of me being upset and bitchy she runs for the hills and so does the others. Nobody wants to be with me. I'm too hard to love. Why is it that I can be there for others but my moods are too much for them??? I'm too tired to fight this anymore. I'm desperately hurting and they go on with life like I don't even exist. Life is just the same old thing time and time again. One day you're up and the next you're crashing. It's a vicious cycle. I'm too tired to keep it up. I don't want any more hurt. And I'm realistic enough to know this is not going to be the last time I will be hurt by people who profess to love and care for me. Stop the world, I want off!
Angel Girl
Posted by Zo on May 7, 2002, at 21:48:45
In reply to I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 21:13:08
Angel Girl, how old are you? In school? College? I remember how much less people were able to show friendship and caring to one another when I was younger. Maybe it has to do with wanting to be seen as cool. I shouldn't think college would necessarily be a warm, accomodating place--for depression! For special needs of nurturement.
People do mellow out and become much more able to be close as they get into their late thirties and beyond. I encourage you to widen your circle, perhaps you'll find more caring people at church, or at the level of the community. .. look amongst the oldest and youngest, who will appreciate your involvement--and have so much to give in return.
I don't know your dx or meds. . but these things become a hell of a lot more possible when one is not crying all the time, I know! And a lot of crying means Depression. I don't know why this fact gets lost, but it does.
Best,
Zo
Posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 0:12:20
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! » Angel Girl, posted by Zo on May 7, 2002, at 21:48:45
Zo
I'm much older than high school or college age so these 'friends' should be mature. My diagnosis is severe clinicial depression and borderline personality disorder. I'm taking Effexor XR 267.5mg in the morning and Effexor 37.5mg at lunch time and Xanax as required for extreme anxiety. I took ALOT of Xanax yesterday. I had to kill the pain. I couldn't even stand up. And that was much better than the hell my life normally is.
I have no intentions of trying to make new friends. What's the point??? I'll only alienate them as the people who already have known me for awhile, claim to be my 'friends' and profess to 'love' me. So if they can't deal with me, how on earth could somebody new??? I can't subject myself to yet another person who will toss me aside like yesterday's garbage. I have that enough already. I just want to be dead inside, to feel absolutely NOTHING!!!! That would be much better than all this hurt that has grabbed ahold of my heart now.
Angel Girl
Posted by Zo on May 8, 2002, at 1:04:36
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! - Zo, posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 0:12:20
Angel Girl, You are undermedicated, that's clear. If you saw my pdoc, the first thing he'd suggest would be pushing up Effexor to 375mg. And the blood levels are such that it can be taken all at once. I believe you aren't yet at the minimum dose? It can be pushed beyond 375. .
Borderline is not an easy dx. For one, when I've exhibited borderline behavior, it has really pushed away friends. Seems like one would have to medicate it as skillfully as possible--what is the most recent thinking on BPD meds? Seems like something. . .more soothing and collecting might be helpful as well. I have been so *hugely* less angry since I've been on Lamictal. I added it to Effexor and Dexedrine 8 months ago, and have been depression- free for the first time in my adult life. ..
I highly doubt people are routinely tossing you away, either. People have their own limits, their own limitations--what other people do is very seldom about us. It's just beating oneself up to personalize.
Are you in any kind of therapy? I hear all that rage! Rage is energy is power. . .depression, in my case, was all three turned in on myself, not having any other outlet.
How do you transform all that rage. . into something for yourself. Into another form of energy, not just a death wish. That's what the choice looked like to me.
Angel Girl, it's real doable.
Zo
Posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 11:12:11
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! - Zo » Angel Girl, posted by Zo on May 8, 2002, at 1:04:36
Zo
I'm not currently in a position of getting any med changes. I don't have a pdoc at this point. I get my meds from my GP. He refuses to make any more changes. He wants a pdoc to make further changes. I'm assuming that is his way of telling me that I'm beyond his scope of knowledge. :(
I am in therapy and I'm in the process of trying to get into a specialist program at the Institute for Mental Health and Addiction for Borderline Personality Disorder. The wait list is 2 to 3 months long. It involves being assigned to a pdoc, a nurse, a therapist and several group therapies. I KNOW that this is the right program for me and where I can get the most help. The Institute is waiting on my GP, therapist and former pdoc (never going back to that jackass) to forward my records to them. It's a slow process. In the meantime, I continue to cycle between having days I feel pretty good and then crashing. A couple of the most common symptoms of BPD is 'fear of abandonment' and 'acting out in anger'. It was my last bout of anger that brought about this crash. My so-called friends are unable and unwilling to deal with my 'attitude' and said goodbye until I get better. WTF is that???? Do they think I will want them back then???? If they can't be my friend now, then are they really friends to begin with???? But the REAL sad part is I already want them back. I must love punishment.
The problem is that I want them in my life. My fear of abandonment is ruling my feelings right now. Another symptom is to desperately hold onto the people that are abandoning me. That's where I find myself. I'm losing my friends because of this f'ing illness that I don't want and all I'm asking for is some patience from the people who CLAIM to be my friends. I know I'm not easy by any stretch of the imagination to be around. I don't underestimate what I put them through. But even though I'm sick, I'm ALWAYS there for them, without fail. Why can't they do the same???
Last weekend, one of my 'friends' was extremely stressed about something. I gave up my entire weekend plans and devoted it to her. I was there for her, I comforted her, I listened to her, I cried with her and I helped her take action to resolve her problem by doing something on her behalf that she asked me to do. AND I didn't mind doing any of that for her because I consider her my friend. BUT the very next day I'm not dealing with something well, let out a lot of anger and unfortunately some towards my friends, and off the go running faster than rabbits and leave me in the dust, telling me they are sick of my attitude.
I don't understand this kind of friendship. I thought friends loved and cared for each other and would always be there when they needed the other. Seems it only works one way for me and it's NOT in my favor.
My head is telling me I don't need friends like that and to forget them and move on. BUT my heart is still loving them deeply and wanting them in my life. I miss them terribly. I don't know how to let go and I'm not at the point of even wanting to let go. I'm not sure I ever will be either. My fear of abandonment is extremely strong. It rules my entire being. I don't know how to be any other way. Everybody in my life abandons me. It's just a matter of time before the ones that are still with me will be gone also.
I'm just so tired of always crashing. It hardly seems worth it anymore. I don't think I want to even try anymore. I don't have the energy.
I have ALOT of anger and the greatest majority of it is directed at MYSELF!!!! Why??? Because I'm sick and I don't want to be. I know nobody wants to be sick. But I can't take this crap in my life anymore. I HATE MYSELF, I HATE WHAT I'VE BECOME, AND I HATE WHAT I DO TO EVERYBODY!!!
I HATE MY ENTIRE F'ING EXISTENCE!!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!
And although I know people mean well by telling me about Jesus and God and I do believe in that BUT WHERE THE HELL IS HE?????? HE SURE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE THAT I'M GOING THROUGH ANY OF THIS. I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING SOOOOOO HORRIBLE TO BE PUNISHED LIKE THIS. HE NEVER ANSWERS MY PRAYERS. HE LEAVES ME TO SUFFER. SO MY FAITH IS DIMINISHING.
ALL THAT I AM IS A BROKEN HEART IN AN EMPTY SHELL. :( :( :(
Angel Girl
Posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 11:16:40
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! - Zo, posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 11:12:11
BTW, I am now changing my name from Angel Girl to Fallen Angel. Unfortunately I clicked on 'confirm' before I realized what I had typed. Old habits die hard.
Fallen Angel
Posted by Zo on May 8, 2002, at 17:11:58
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! - Zo, posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 11:16:40
Dear Angel,The program sounds good. And I wonder, don't any of the mood stabilizers help. . .stabilize? I've had such painful periods (years) of borderline mood swings, which turned out to be BPII. There seem to be a particular set of conditions in childhood that give rise to BPD. As far as the traits go, there is one hell of a lot for a woman to be angry about, and some therapists aren't comfortable with anger at all.
That said, I wonder if you really know quite how biting and sudden borderline anger is, from the other end. So that people are probably not be abandoning you, as a person, but just the behavior. Which is sad, I know, because you have normal needs for them to be there for you, but that is the nature of the disorder. Accepting that helps.
I did find that taking some satisfaction in *being* a friend, like you've described, lessened the pain.
James Masterson's "The Search For The Real Self" is the best discussion of BPD ever. It provided me with both comfort and direction.
Zo
Posted by ST on May 8, 2002, at 17:16:18
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! - Zo, posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 11:16:40
Angel (aka Fallen Angel),
WE CARE. And I don't want to be a naggy, unhelpful b*tch, but have you gone to seek out a pdoc? I remember you were having trouble finding one. Did you try that one clinic? I'm bringing this up because I think we all want to be supportive here, but there's only so much we can do. It breaks my heart to see you constantly in pain. You have go out there and get some help. It sucks and is really hard, but things will change if you do. You neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to talk to someone and be on meds that actually work for you. The world becomes a vastly different place when you have those two things.
Let us know how you are!
Sarah
Posted by roxygirl21 on July 19, 2002, at 23:38:16
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by Angel Girl on May 6, 2002, at 23:54:15
Angel, don't feel bad. I feel the exact same way right now. I have a really hard time getting close to people, and I'm just too goddamn nice. So I'm always the one stuck listening to people bitch, but when it's my turn, nobody listens. I feel like all my friends are slipping away from me..and I'm all alone. I don't fit in ANYWHERE in society either, the problem is I'm too damn nice all the time and it's easy for people to take advantage of that.
All I'm saying is that you're definitely not alone. There are times where I've questioned myself.."why do I even belong in this world? why do I even bother anymore?" and I've tried to kill myself before, b/c I was just so fucking sick of it all..sick of the emptyness and loneliness. I'm not gonna bitch and preach like 'NO DON'T KILL YOURSELF BLAH BLAH BLAH' b/c I fucking hate it when people tell me that shit..b/c I KNOW they couldn't possibly understand what I'm going through. You shouldn't kill yourself, don't get me wrong..but I guess all I'm saying is you're not alone..lots of people hate their lives, they're just not as good as showing it. Like if you first met me, you'd find it hard to believe that I'm suicidal b/c I surpress my feelings so much. I hope you feel better w/ everything though..and at least know one thing--you're definitely not alone.
Posted by manichattan on July 21, 2002, at 20:06:18
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by roxygirl21 on July 19, 2002, at 23:38:16
> Angel, don't feel bad. I feel the exact same way right now. I have a really hard time getting close to people, and I'm just too goddamn nice. So I'm always the one stuck listening to people bitch, but when it's my turn, nobody listens. I feel like all my friends are slipping away from me..and I'm all alone. I don't fit in ANYWHERE in society either, the problem is I'm too damn nice all the time and it's easy for people to take advantage of that.
>Why do you have trouble getting close to people?
And if there were people that listened, what would you say?
-manichattan
Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2002, at 20:48:51
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! » roxygirl21, posted by manichattan on July 21, 2002, at 20:06:18
Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2002, at 20:50:06
In reply to Re: You sound JUST like my therapist. :) (nm) » manichattan, posted by Dinah on July 21, 2002, at 20:48:51
Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2002, at 20:53:07
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!!, posted by roxygirl21 on July 19, 2002, at 23:38:16
Sorry Roxy. Those were really good questions. I was just startled for a moment. I'm sorry for being silly.
Dinah
Posted by AcaciaForsythia on February 24, 2003, at 19:49:19
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! » roxygirl21, posted by Dinah on July 21, 2002, at 20:53:07
I wasn't sure if I should write anything, because I don't think I am the person to help. I'm not in the same situation you are in. However, sometimes I do get down on myself and my life. In fact, I just had that today... crying b/c "I'm so stupid, and I can't do things right." It's silly, but I think if I didn't have to worry about what other people thought I would feel better about myself.
I know you said that you "Hate Yourself" and that is something that is really hard to help. But, a lot of times I think how we see ourselves makes things seem that much more that way. Like, sometimes now when I do something that I know people will think poorly of me for I think to myself "You know what, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not stupid. There are so many people out there who would have reacted the same way, and just because some people don't agree with me doesn't mean I was wrong, or stupid for making a hasty judgement."
Also, when I get depressed about things sometimes, it is just so much easier to lay there or sleep, just ignore it, just feel nothing. But I've realized that that feeling - that feeling of nothing (though sometimes pleasing) is really not that great. I have to force myself to get out of bed... to take a shower... and do something I enjoy. I know it sounds lame, but when I think good thoughts, when I realize I really am a great person and the things I do are great and I'm smart etc, and when I think good things about my life and what I'm going to do and then actually do them... it's so much better. I am just telling you this because I know you are really great too (I don't really really know you or your situation, but you seem like a great person, and sometimes things don't go the way we want them to or we say things we don't want to say etc... it happens to everyone).
I'm sorry if I didn't help at all. I know this is really difficult... sometimes I just think people should be more (positively) open with others, b/c I think there really are a lot of people out there who do care etc (people sometimes just dont know the right thing to do or are too afraid to open their mouths). Also, I think sometimes people don't know how to deal with other people's problems. Sometimes we don't want to deal with other people's problems because it gets us down and then we just can't help the other person... etc.
I wish you the best in everything, and I hope you get into that program you want to get into and that all works out for the best.
Stars*
This is the end of the thread.
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