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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 19:32:00
I am going outta my friggin mind here. I have been stuck at home all day and every attempt I have made to track any of my friends down to help me get out have been futal. I searched the babble open and no one was there either. I am so frustrated and now all I can do is try to type through it. I am at wits end and all that I keep thinking to is ODing on something, not so much to kill myself but it is something that seems to bring relief. I think my ODing is alot like a cutter. I use it as a release and only ocassionaly as a desire for suicide. I am so feeling isolated and alone right now. I have my parents here but I don't feel like I can talk to them. I just want this pain to stop and I feel like I am running out of options today. I just want to anestisize myself and try again tomorrow. I have to work all day tomorrow so maybe things will be better then (helps keep mind off of problems usually).
Well I think I have gone on long enough for today I will yield the floor to someone elso for now.L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by akc on December 23, 2001, at 20:00:47
In reply to ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!, posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 19:32:00
Sourceror,
Keep typing -- the od'ing -- I really am afraid for you -- so keep typing -- try to let it all out here. And keep calling, maybe someone will become available. I know you feel miserable and this is not much -- but keep doing it. I want you around. I want you safe.
akc
Posted by susan C on December 23, 2001, at 21:53:57
In reply to ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!, posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 19:32:00
hi,
just checking in with you, tried OPEN, but, it was 7:45...guess what...I could't get in...the boggie hour...what a Yahoo...
a generally worried mouse who has a sick cat in the bathroom
Posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 22:35:20
In reply to Re: HHHHHHGGGGGGAR » Sourceror, posted by susan C on December 23, 2001, at 21:53:57
Will this pain ever stop? Each minute seems longer and longer. I know I shouldn't take the pills but it is taking every ounce of my strength not to do it. Everything inside me is SCREAMING at me to take them. It seems like it would make today be alright if I just would take them. It is like that little devil sitting on my shoulder saying that it will be alright. I wish I had someone to confide in that wouldn't jump into panic mode if I told them but instead would just be there to help me through. I got ahold of one of my "friends" and I told him basically how I was feeling and that I needed to get out he was more interested in dinner and reinstalling AOL but said he would come by after dinner. Well he still hadn't shown and it is 11:30 PM 3 1/2 hours later and he never called to say he wasn't coming. This just made me feel worse and the urdges even stronger because it feels more like no one cares. I can't tell my parents cause they will go into panic mode. I just feel hopeless. I know the holidays are almost upon us and I swore I would hang in through that but then what? What do I have to look forward to after that? I knew the ball was going to drop again and I was hoping for more than just 4 days of feeling good. I wish I knew what caused that so I could try to recreate that in an attempt for the same effect. I don't think I want to die but living just seems like such misery and I am constantly weighing out the lesser of two evils. Why can't I quit obsessing over this. I am constantly battling right now. I have a feeling as soon as I can get to them I will just take some pills maybe that will help curb this feeling. NO NO NO I can't do that I may not be able to stop. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! I don't know what to do. I can't think straight. I just want to cry. I wish I had some alcohol in the house. I am not an alcoholic so that would be a good substitute. NO damn it. I don't even know why I am worried about that since I don't have any in the house and no way to get it so don't even worry about that. The pills. Maybe a few benedril will be good. They would help knock me out and that would end today's saga. I think that will be my solution. I have to do something. I can't fight any more. I am giving up to some degree. Now the task of going down and actually taking only that prescribed when I am manic. Can I do it? I feel like it is almost impossible. I am not out to kill myself but I want quick results because I am tired of fighting back these urdges and the prescribed ammounts take too long for the effects I need. So what is the answer? Take 2,3,4 times that ammount and things should work faster. This is my theory anyhow. Well, now for the big moment....time to go take something. I'll let you know how it goes here shortly.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 23:45:15
In reply to Re: HHHHHHGGGGGGAR, posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 22:35:20
Well I got a single dose in me. I wanted to take more but my parents were right there and were checking up on why I was taking more meds. They just don't understand. My dad thinks if I just get up earlier, eat right and shower that things will be better. That alone just pissed me off more. I want to take more pills. It is like a hunger that has built up. Maybe the single does will kick in here soon and I will fall asleep and forget about today. I hate feeling this way and want this episode to be over. It seems like it will never end. I feel like I just keep repeating myself over and over. I want to fix this problem and the only way that keeps coming to mind is pills. It is almost funny that some people are deathly afraid of pills and here I am wanting nothing more in the world then to take a bunch of them. What has short circuited in my friggin head that has me going like this? I don't want to feel like this. I feel like hell and it sucks. Is this what my life is destined to be like? Is it worth going on? I start to wonder more and more each day? How do people do it every day? My life is not that bad in comparison to others so how can I feel this way? Well it looks like I may have made it through today but what does tomorrow bring? I guess I will have to face that tomorrow. Good night for today.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by ChrisK on December 24, 2001, at 2:15:16
In reply to Re: HHHHHHGGGGGGAR, posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 23:45:15
Sourceror,
I just woke up a little while ago and was wondering how you were doing. Then I found this threas and now I'm worried about you. Remember that even your mini OD's that you thinnk are just putting you out are also doing nasty things to your body. Your liver and heart are being damaged in ways that may be irrepairable.
I know that the feelings can be compelling and consuming but you have to work through them sometimes. I had the same obsession with suicide years ago and it got to the point where death was on my mind 24/7. It's not a pleasant place to be but there is hope of getting out of it.
What meds are you taking now? Have you looked into any of the atypical antipsychotics? They (Zyprexa in particular) did wonders for me and my distorted thinking.
I've never been in PB Open but will go see if you are there should you still be up. If not e-mail me. You have the address. I'll be checking it often so feel free.
Chris
Posted by cmcdougall on December 24, 2001, at 10:09:04
In reply to Re: HHHHHHGGGGGGAR » Sourceror, posted by ChrisK on December 24, 2001, at 2:15:16
Dear Sourceror,
You feeling better today? Please, please, please hang on until you can get in that outpatient daily program. I went through something like that for 10 days in October. It helped me a lot. I hope you have a good psychiatrist. He/she can help you if you give them a chance.
We are here for you.....
Carly
Posted by nightlight on December 24, 2001, at 20:29:27
In reply to Re: HHHHHHGGGGGGAR, posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 23:45:15
> Well I got a single dose in me. I wanted to take more but my parents were right there and were checking up on why I was taking more meds.
S~
I know that frustrated u no end, but, at least it kept u safe a bit longer.
>They just don't understand. My dad thinks if I just get up earlier, eat right and shower that things will be better. That alone just pissed me off more.God, how many x's in the past 30 yrs. have I nearly punched someone I liked/loved for giving me the same useless advice??? MANY...thing is u have to get to a certain level of remission before those required daily activities even begin to resemble 'rational acts'.
> I want to take more pills. It is like a hunger that has built up. Maybe the single does will kick in here soon and I will fall asleep and forget about today.You sound like me. Ah, the Hunger, for normalcy, lack of pain, a vision beyond *this* moment and this unending frustration w/my mind. I was a recreational drug user in my youth, preferred pharmaceuticals (pure and trustworthy in effect) and now that I really need meds for functionability and managing pain, I say, 'Bring 'em on!'
>I hate feeling this way and want this episode to be over. It seems like it will never end. I feel like I just keep repeating myself over and over. I want to fix this problem and the only way that keeps coming to mind is pills. It is almost funny that some people are deathly afraid of pills and here I am wanting nothing more in the world then to take a bunch of them.ditto,ditto, ditto! It as been many years of pain & brick walls, looking for a doc, a compassionate intelligence who cd. comprehend *me*, my needs.
> What has short circuited in my friggin head that has me going like this? I don't want to feel like this. I feel like hell and it sucks. Is this what my life is destined to be like? Is it worth going on? I start to wonder more and more each day? How do people do it every day?
I have wondered a thousand times,
>My life is not that bad in comparison to others so how can I feel this way?
I loved my childhood, my parents, and school (up to a point). What cd. I blame? Why did I lose it after puberty, and never find my way again?
>Well it looks like I may have made it through today but what does tomorrow bring? I guess I will have to face that tomorrow. Good night for today.
Sourcerer~please hang in there. Yes, I slept, underachieved, overdid my RX's when particularly miserable and confused, and I did so for nearly 3 decades. I had no kids, so what if I did overdose?
But, I didn't. I'm finally being treated well, and I have (a bit) more energy, some interest in life, and, *maybe* a future worth
anticipating. I really need that, cause now I have a child, and I want so much for her to be happy.I don't know ur age or diagnosis, but, diagnosis/treatment for adult ADD (not just the depression, anxiety and chronic pain I had been diagnosed w/for yrs) has made (finally) a real difference.
Sometimes, there really is a light
at the end of that long, dark tunnel. Hope u find it soon.nightlight
Posted by shellir on December 24, 2001, at 21:33:11
In reply to ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!, posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 19:32:00
I'm at my parents out of town also, just trying to get through. My parents are being very very supportive because I am in such bad shape.
I wouldn't worry about taking an extra pill or two. Are your parents holding your pills? Is there a part of you that wants them to stop you from taking more. If not I would indulge. Sometimes after taking an extra valium or two, I wake up and feel a little better. This is a horrible time of the year to be depressed, so get through any way you can without hurting yourself. Be as kind to yourself as possible.
Shelli
Posted by Sourceror on December 24, 2001, at 21:37:53
In reply to Re: HHHHHHGGGGGGAR, posted by nightlight on December 24, 2001, at 20:29:27
Well today has not been that much better. I have already taken a double dose of resteril and the same of benedril. I wonder what it is gonna take to help me to quit. Am I gonna have to end up in the ER cause I was stupid and couldn't control myself. This is rediculous but it seems so rational in my mind at the time. I just seem drawn to it like a little kid with that candy jar. I know better yet I still fall weak. I am a bit groggy tonight so I don't think I am gonna really post that much for now. I have an appointment with the social worker in two days maybe something will come of that.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by Sourceror on December 25, 2001, at 21:04:36
In reply to Re: ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! » Sourceror, posted by shellir on December 24, 2001, at 21:33:11
Today was a wreck because my parents wanted me to get up and go out with them and all I could do was sleep because I was all doped up on the meds. I want to do it again today but I know that I have to get up early to go in and see the social worker about if the day program will be good for me again. I can see it now going in there and exposing my nasty little OD habbit right in there face. They would surely want to lock me up then. I wish I could figure out these urdges and what is causing them so that I might counter act them. I feel so comforted knowing that I have enough meds to accomplish anything I want to. I need to buy a little more benedril though since I have induldged a little too much here the past few days after that I have a mail order refill of my daily meds and once again I am all set. I seem to have a problem with impulse control I think, maybe that is why I OD. Humf, got me. I guess I am just a sick bastard lab rat that they will continue to try to figure out till they get it right or I end up dead. Well enough for todays drama, tomorrow we have the appointment and christmas with my family since we didn't do it today due to family scheduling conflicts. Take care all.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by Sourceror on December 26, 2001, at 14:14:31
In reply to Re: ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!, posted by Sourceror on December 25, 2001, at 21:04:36
Today has not started out well. I was turned down for the day program because I wasn't totally incapacitated. They suggested a couple of groups but won't get back to me on those until some time next week. One was stress management, which even if they suggest it I will refuse. I hate those groups and, as I have mentioned in a previous thread, they usually leave me very aggitated and pissed by the time I leave. So that would not be good therapy, a good experiment maybe, but not good therapy. The second is a cognative therapy group which might help. The only problem I have is that I can't drive and the hospital is a good 30 miles away so getting a ride will be a problem. So it looks like I have to try to do this all alone. I don't think that I will hold up long with just regular weekly or biweekly 15 min sessions with the social worker and not having my next pdoc appt til April. I feel I will loose control if things keep up the way they are. I made it through the holidays and that was my goal. What is next? Nothing I can think of. I wouldn't be surprised if something doesn't happen by the middle of Jan. I have been teetering on the edge here even when I have had a goal and almost didn't make it this far. I just wonder if maybe it's my time to cash in the ticket. No I have to stop thinking like that and try to hold on. But it gets so hard when no one is really depending on you for anything. It seems like the perfect time. I started a note once maybe I should update it. That usually gets me crying and thinking again about if it is worth it. I just feel like I am crouched up in a little corner and knowing that all I have to do is get up and move then I won't be in the corner anymore but yet I can't even will myself to move. I just don't know what to do. I want the help but to get the help it seems too difficult. I can't figure out how to get the help I need in the system I am using right now. I wish I had insurance and could go to a normal T and pdoc then I could know what was going on. I am stuck in this pathetic Vetrans Hospital system and anytime the govt gets their hands on anything it goes to hell and a handbag. Well I guess I will trudge on another day. Thanks for listening.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by cmcdougall on December 26, 2001, at 15:43:55
In reply to Re: ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!, posted by Sourceror on December 26, 2001, at 14:14:31
Dear Sourceror,
> Today has not started out well. I was turned down for the day program because I wasn't totally incapacitated....
Did you tell them you were suicidal? I have never heard of someone who was suicidal being turned away from a program.
>The second is a cognative therapy group which might help.
I love cognitive therapy - really gets to the core of your feelings.
>The only problem I have is that I can't drive and the hospital is a good 30 miles away so getting a ride will be a problem.
Why can't you drive? What about a bus? Your parents know you need this, so why can't they drive you?
>regular weekly or biweekly 15 min sessions with the social worker and not having my next pdoc appt til April.
Please, please tell the social worker that you have been contemplating suicide. You are owed a chance to get well and you need help from the system - don't minimize your symptoms or be ashamed to admit that you're suicidal. Your posts sound very serious and scary - if you are not considered incapacitated by your depression, I don't know who is. Try, try again.
Good luck,
Carly
I feel I will loose control if things keep up the way they are. I made it through the holidays and that was my goal. What is next? Nothing I can think of. I wouldn't be surprised if something doesn't happen by the middle of Jan. I have been teetering on the edge here even when I have had a goal and almost didn't make it this far. I just wonder if maybe it's my time to cash in the ticket. No I have to stop thinking like that and try to hold on. But it gets so hard when no one is really depending on you for anything. It seems like the perfect time. I started a note once maybe I should update it. That usually gets me crying and thinking again about if it is worth it. I just feel like I am crouched up in a little corner and knowing that all I have to do is get up and move then I won't be in the corner anymore but yet I can't even will myself to move. I just don't know what to do. I want the help but to get the help it seems too difficult. I can't figure out how to get the help I need in the system I am using right now. I wish I had insurance and could go to a normal T and pdoc then I could know what was going on. I am stuck in this pathetic Vetrans Hospital system and anytime the govt gets their hands on anything it goes to hell and a handbag. Well I guess I will trudge on another day. Thanks for listening.
>
> L8R,
> The Sourceror
Posted by Sourceror on December 26, 2001, at 22:14:52
In reply to Re: ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!, posted by cmcdougall on December 26, 2001, at 15:43:55
> Dear Sourceror,
> Did you tell them you were suicidal? I have never heard of someone who was suicidal being turned away from a program.
They never even asked now that you mention it.
> I love cognitive therapy - really gets to the core of your feelings.I have enjoyed cognative therapy as well so please don't think that I am knocking that group. It has helped me out alot.
> Why can't you drive? What about a bus? Your parents know you need this, so why can't they drive you?I have my license suspended for a year. There is no public transportation short of an expensive taxi cab ride. These groups are during the day and they both work.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by cmcdougall on December 27, 2001, at 11:39:13
In reply to Re: ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!, posted by Sourceror on December 26, 2001, at 22:14:52
Dear Sourceror,
Ok Dear - listen to Mother Carly. Now is the time for you to be proactive and take charge of your treatment. You said the intake person never asked you about suicidal thoughts. Wherever you went sure dropped the ball on this one. That is the first question they should have asked! The fact that they didn't ask makes me wonder....OK, since they didn't ask and since I'm assuming you were not forthcoming about your feelings, you must contact that facility immediately by telephone. TELL them of your despair. TELL them you battle everyday with the impulse to OD.
Now is not the time to play down whats going on in your head. The only way anyone can help you is if you open up. I KNOW how hard it is. Its humiliating to let on how desparate we feel. Its embarrassing to admit to our failure to cope. I believe you want help. Be honest, tell everything, DEMAND help and MAKE that intake person understand that failure to admit you to some kind of program will bring serious consequences. Please don't think that the only way to make them understand the seriousness of this is to OD. The better way to make them understand is just to tell them.
Call them right now and then let us know what happens. If you can't bring yourself to talk to them one on one, print out some of your posts and fax them over, but do it NOW. I want you to feel better, and you CAN feel better. Really really.
Praying for you,
Carly
This is the end of the thread.
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