Posted by Sourceror on December 23, 2001, at 22:35:20
In reply to Re: HHHHHHGGGGGGAR » Sourceror, posted by susan C on December 23, 2001, at 21:53:57
Will this pain ever stop? Each minute seems longer and longer. I know I shouldn't take the pills but it is taking every ounce of my strength not to do it. Everything inside me is SCREAMING at me to take them. It seems like it would make today be alright if I just would take them. It is like that little devil sitting on my shoulder saying that it will be alright. I wish I had someone to confide in that wouldn't jump into panic mode if I told them but instead would just be there to help me through. I got ahold of one of my "friends" and I told him basically how I was feeling and that I needed to get out he was more interested in dinner and reinstalling AOL but said he would come by after dinner. Well he still hadn't shown and it is 11:30 PM 3 1/2 hours later and he never called to say he wasn't coming. This just made me feel worse and the urdges even stronger because it feels more like no one cares. I can't tell my parents cause they will go into panic mode. I just feel hopeless. I know the holidays are almost upon us and I swore I would hang in through that but then what? What do I have to look forward to after that? I knew the ball was going to drop again and I was hoping for more than just 4 days of feeling good. I wish I knew what caused that so I could try to recreate that in an attempt for the same effect. I don't think I want to die but living just seems like such misery and I am constantly weighing out the lesser of two evils. Why can't I quit obsessing over this. I am constantly battling right now. I have a feeling as soon as I can get to them I will just take some pills maybe that will help curb this feeling. NO NO NO I can't do that I may not be able to stop. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! I don't know what to do. I can't think straight. I just want to cry. I wish I had some alcohol in the house. I am not an alcoholic so that would be a good substitute. NO damn it. I don't even know why I am worried about that since I don't have any in the house and no way to get it so don't even worry about that. The pills. Maybe a few benedril will be good. They would help knock me out and that would end today's saga. I think that will be my solution. I have to do something. I can't fight any more. I am giving up to some degree. Now the task of going down and actually taking only that prescribed when I am manic. Can I do it? I feel like it is almost impossible. I am not out to kill myself but I want quick results because I am tired of fighting back these urdges and the prescribed ammounts take too long for the effects I need. So what is the answer? Take 2,3,4 times that ammount and things should work faster. This is my theory anyhow. Well, now for the big moment....time to go take something. I'll let you know how it goes here shortly.
L8R,
The Sourceror
poster:Sourceror
thread:15882
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011216/msgs/15885.html