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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by B2chica on November 18, 2008, at 8:32:30
...in theory it's exactly what i want and need right now. i've been wanting another child for over a year now and my DH still "isn't ready". at first he was telling me that he didnt' want anymore and i went through all that emotion. now he is saying he wants one...but "saying it" doesn't get you one (if you know what i mean).
-its hard enough for me to be intimate lately-depression and all, but i try to initiate it and keep getting turned down. which in turn REALLY increases depression.
or if we do have sex he refuses to get near me without a condom. which actually makes me feel like he looks at me like i'm some diseased whore.(that's how i feel and i Hate that term-whore)i've been having dreams of a guy friend of mine. and keep thinking, what if.
i want the closeness and the affection not necessarily the actual sex of an affair. and to be with someone that accepts me for me.
that would be willing to give me what i need.i really don't think i'd do it cuz i'm so self consious of my body and i have basically no opportunity but i can't get it out of my mind.
i want to be held, caressed, touched with care and desire...and create a new life.
to complete my family. why cant he see that i'm not getting younger. i'm already WAY older than i Ever thought i'd be having kids.b2c.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 18, 2008, at 9:04:16
In reply to i want to have an affair (**Trigger**), posted by B2chica on November 18, 2008, at 8:32:30
I certainly understand what you are saying. It must be terribly frustrating to want something and not have it.
I want to have an affair also....unfortunately it is with my t.
We've been together for 5 years (him with his flirting, teasing, etc)......After 31 years of abuse I got a divorce. I was/am the poster child for the fear of being alone
The only good thing in our marriage was sex. I am also the poster-child for affection, being touched etc...
I told my t that being alone was right next to death.
I am sorry you are in such a situation. Have you given thought to what you will do, or a specific time frame for what to do, if your plans don't work out?
Hugs n Love, Sassy
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 18, 2008, at 9:17:57
In reply to i want to have an affair (**Trigger**), posted by B2chica on November 18, 2008, at 8:32:30
I think that losing intimacy must be the most difficult loss in a relationship. In my first marriage it was the first thing to go, and it felt like such a violation. It took me a really, really long time to realize what I had so quickly lost. I am told (or have read) that this quality can be regained in strong, steady relationships built on good foundations. Maybe you and your spouse will be able to find your way back to that place? I guess I am advising caution here... your heart is longing to fill a void, but I'm wondering if another person can do that or if we have to do that for our very own selves? That whole loving and cherishing ourselves before anyone else can do that for us.
Huge hugs to you today, B2.
pc
Posted by Phillipa on November 18, 2008, at 10:50:59
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**) » B2chica, posted by Partlycloudy on November 18, 2008, at 9:17:57
Have you thought of marriage couseling? Went seven years with first husband didn't work but he was unwilling is your husband willing. Could it be the economy has him frightened about the expenses of another child? Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2008, at 12:39:36
In reply to i want to have an affair (**Trigger**), posted by B2chica on November 18, 2008, at 8:32:30
I don't think he can give you what you need. Not in terms of creating a new life. Not unless he is urging you to leave your husband and create a life with him while including the life you've already created.
It's tough, once you have kids, to balance those needs. It sounds as if your husband is terrified of having more kids rather than saying anything about you as a person. Believe me, I get it. As much as we adore our son, we were more than content with one, and after my son was born my husband also would not come anywhere near me without condoms, a vasectomy, and I still needed to be at the right time of the month not to be pregnant. It didn't mean anything about his love for or desire for me. It didn't mean he didn't adore our son, or that he wasn't enormously glad we had him. He just felt like that was all we could handle.
It would seem to me at a guess, and with my own experience as a guide, that the best thing to do would be to explore your husband's fears. What precisely scares him about having another baby? The money? The emotional resources? The time? Is he afraid that your family won't be able to give the nurturance and support two children would need? Is he worried about the change in dynamics? Is your marriage otherwise going ok? Are his fears reasonable? What can you offer to ease his fears?
My guess is that an affair won't actually fill your needs, except on a very short term basis.
Posted by rskontos on November 18, 2008, at 17:54:22
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**), posted by Dinah on November 18, 2008, at 12:39:36
My husband, too, was so resistant to having the second child. Obviously we did, my son is now 16. He had a vast array of reasons he did not want another child. I am not sure that your husband would have the same reasons, but my H and I did talk about them. It helped but the real thing that helped my H was talking to other men about the issue. Men that already had other children. With them he was able to explore in a meaningful way, the pros and cons of more. In the end, he was able to articulate to me, that it came down to more that he was afraid he could not love another child like he loved our firstborn and the financial responsibility overwhelmed him. He did finally get over it, but he went kicking and screaming. Not literally, but figuratively. Now, he is, of course, thrilled with his son. But it was tough for him.
I think everyone is right. You might try to explore his reasons first to see why he is so resistant. Then go from there.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on November 19, 2008, at 9:17:15
In reply to i want to have an affair (**Trigger**), posted by B2chica on November 18, 2008, at 8:32:30
i think too i go through bouts of arousal (i think it's medication doing this) and during those times i'm extra emotional about family. i feel a little more calmed down now. but the ache and emptyness is still there.
it just really hurts when i'm depressed and its hard for me to be intimate and all i hear from him is how i NEVER want to do it, then on the other hand he makes comments about my weight (adding to my low self-esteem and body issues), then when i feel better and WANT to be intimate he gets mad whenever i try to initiate.
its like it has to be HIS idea. not just for intimacy but for the second child as well.
what do i do?
and to phillipa, i've thought of counseling but 1)he doesn't think there is any problem, 2)he makes comments about I"M the only one that needs therapy and 3)he'd go in about how much THAT would cost...
at first the economy had him worried, but he even made the comment "if Obama gets in we can have another"...well??
*******
thank you for your comments Dinah. my DH is scared to death of any responsibility. i had this illusion that when i got married it would be a partnership. it wasn't, his life didn't change at all. did NOTHING around the house, was constantly with friends or out in the garage and that lasted about 7 years until we moved into the house. finally after my (first of many) breakdowns and hospital visits he was forced to take some responsibility around the house. Now after 11 years he's finally helping. its' not that he doesnt like kids, its that he doesn't want the work.
in his world the woman should take care of the house and kids as thats how his family was, except that his mother was a stay at home mom, and i work outside the home so its harder to take care of everything.what scares him? 1)responsibility 2)money 3)his age 4)and i think partly a boy. he loves our little girl SO much and he wants another if he has his choice.
our marriage is not great. he's very immature and i can never talk straight with him. he's always sarcastic or throws jokes. and he over reacts and exaggerates things all the time. very black and white thinking...i would almost say he has BPD as he is also VERY insecure in our relationship...RK i'm glad you said about your DH that he loved your firstborn so much that he was afraid he could not love another child like that. i know that is part of my DH issue also. but also gender issue. i think he's afraid of a little boy. and i KNOW he wants another girl. i think if he could KNOW that he would have another little girl he would have maybe wanted to start trying a while ago.
*********************
thank you ALL so very much for your comments.****************************
b2c.
Posted by rskontos on November 19, 2008, at 11:30:37
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**) » B2chica, posted by B2chica on November 19, 2008, at 9:17:15
B2c
I understand so much about your comments in your marriage. Men tend to have those issues. Mine H has often tried to run things "his" way. And for a while I let him. Now that I don't, things get shaky. But I say let them shake. I tell him more now about what I want.
I am so sorry that you feel unattractive to him. that is so wrong. It is also wrong of him to say that stuff about you needing therapy. Mine makes jokes about he will need therapy after I finish but underneath it I think some people are threatened that when someone close to them are getting help they think either 1. why can't I help them or 2. will they move away from me and 3. do I need help. All three can make them nervous and so they throw that "you need it not me" thing in your face. This really makes me mad. My H did it last night. What surprised him is I did not take it like I usually do. Well, ok I did get a little too heated but sometimes enough is enough. I really get upset when someone uses such information like that "therapy" to throw at someone to hurt them because it does.
You are going through alot. I am sorry for this.
Does he want to be the only one to inititate intimacy? It control that he seeks? Maybe he needs to explore those issues.
I think all men love the idea of Me man You woman, I in charge you do all the stuff I don't. It is hard to define partnership for so many. I think personally from my experience it is up to us to help them define it. I have worked on this for 20 years. But he is finally getting it.
I would find out how much counseling would cost. See if you can find it in a Church situation where they have a sliding scale. Then it usually isn't much.
What scares him about a boy?
rsk
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 19, 2008, at 13:54:35
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**) » B2chica, posted by B2chica on November 19, 2008, at 9:17:15
Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds as if you already have a "second child."
What you have said greatly concerns me; I wouldn't bring another child into your situation.
I am sorry you are in that situation.
Hugs, Sassy
P.S. I would get into counseling for YOURself, sweetie!
Sheesh, I just read this and it sounds harsh; that is NOT my intention; I meant the therapy thing for yourself (since he won't go); it might help you a lot.
Posted by B2chica on November 19, 2008, at 15:16:55
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**) » B2chica, posted by rskontos on November 19, 2008, at 11:30:37
i'm not sure what scares him about a boy, i think he's afraid that the boy would hate him or reject him where as he feels a girl would love him...
im feeling better today i think.
he just needs to sit on an idea for a while before he warms up to it. i think i just hit the (lets start trying now) too quickly for him. he needs to mull it around for a while. i just dont feel like i have that kind of time.
and he is quite a bit older than me (7years) so he feels sometimes his libido isn't what it used to be.thanks for all your other insights too rk.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on November 19, 2008, at 15:22:25
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**) » B2chica, posted by sassyfrancesca on November 19, 2008, at 13:54:35
i'm sorry i had to laugh at your post, i often KNOW that i have a second child already with DH.
my sisternlaw feel the same about their DH. see my DH doenst have good role models, his brother and brother n law, neither do much to help out so he thinks he's "ahead of the game" by doing what he does.and i've often been afraid of the negative effects my husband will have on a child. but there are also good traits he has. and the fact is my children are my family, and my daughter deserves a sibling if no other reason to talk to eachother about us.
oh and i am in therapy for all my many other issues. and when i'm feeling strong i tell him that half the reason i'm in therapy (STILL) is because of him! (only half joking)
b2c
Posted by Phillipa on November 19, 2008, at 19:08:24
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**) » sassyfrancesca, posted by B2chica on November 19, 2008, at 15:22:25
B2c what would happen with reverse psychology. Something "You know I've been thinking about it also and decided you're right I don't want another child as this means my freedom will be restricted for a longer time and want time to do the things I want to do."? Love Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on November 20, 2008, at 9:43:00
In reply to Re: i want to have an affair (**Trigger**) » B2chica, posted by Phillipa on November 19, 2008, at 19:08:24
phillipa no, i don't want to lie about something thats so important to me.
and he's close he says now he wants another child...it's just getting down to business that he doesn't seem to move forward on.
he mentioned something this morning about kids and i told him mostly how i was feeling, but we''ll have to continue that conversation tonight as i had to go.maybe it was too much of a jump for him from going (wanting) to actually trying. and he needs some time to 'settle in'. as he does that. he just needs time with stuff.
he's not one for change.and sassy, it did seem a little harsh but i know you and i don't think you meant it to hurt me.
but i've even wondered, geez how is he going to mess up our kids and will they end up in therapy over us? well, they probably will. but i'm in thearpy, and i feel i'm getting way better than i was three years ago. but stopping with one just because of him isn't fair to me when i've been trying SO hard to get over my own issues so that i can be a good mom and it's not fair to my DD, i feel she would be a Great big sister and she deserves a sibling if for no other reason, someone to turn to that isn't one of us. someone i will try to teach her will always be there for her.**********************
the urge to turn to an alternative source for love and acceptance is still there but i'm applying it to my daughter. i can give her all the love i have to give, to hold her, to take care of her, to guide her. i didn't realize it was right under my nose.now im pretty sure there will be other times i will have a similar desire "to stray". but i'm a thinker and usually over think things. so chances are high that it's not going to happen.
i appreciate all your support and kind words.
thanks'
b2c
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