Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 717590

Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Pulling away and closing down

Posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

Over the week, I found something out about my therapist through a third party. It isn't scandalous or weird, but just sort of surprising in that it doesn't fit with the person I imagined my therapist to be in her real life. And it bothers me that it unnerves me.

When I think about all the times I have bashed this person, unsupported him, etc and all the while, she likes him.

I felt myself already pulling away in therapy prior to this discovery. I had let myself get as close as I was able to another human being and I don't like it.

I have picked up the phone to cancel my appointment on Tuesday and hang up everytime. What am I going to say? And, I don't want her calling me back either. I know I should share with her what is bothering me, but it compromsises me.

I don't know what to do ... any suggestions?

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by Dinah on December 30, 2006, at 13:53:09

In reply to Pulling away and closing down, posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

My suggestion is to tell the truth. I usually shine it and bevel it a bit, but then I do tell it.

How does it compromise you?

The problem is that she likes someone you detest? My therapist likes the pdoc from h*ll enough to enter into a semipartnership with him.

I tell myself his ability to like difficult people enables him to be my therapist and to like me even when I'm difficult.

I know what you mean by wanting to pull away. Those self protective urges hit me all the time. With my therapist, with Babble, with everything and everyone except my dogs and my husband and son. Well, maybe even then.

Do you think this is more of an excuse to pull away? It must have been hard to go from three times a week to two, and I imagine your relationship took a bit of a hit from that?

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by Poet on December 30, 2006, at 14:15:57

In reply to Pulling away and closing down, posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

Hi Annierose,

I think I'd have to really ask myself if this was a therapy deal breaker. If I couldn't live with that my therapist likes someone that I have openly bashed and dislike intensely I would pull away. If I could live with it, I would stay, but would want to tell my T that I am surprised that about her judgment of character.

I would also have to ask myself *how trustworthy is that third party? versus the T I thought I knew.*

I'm sorry that you've found out something that doesn't fit with the T you imagined in real life to be. Though I think no T is how we imagine them to be, even mine who is usually quite open about herself.

Take care.

Poet

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by happykat on December 30, 2006, at 17:10:06

In reply to Pulling away and closing down, posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

Hi annierose,

I agree with Poet that you have to weigh the reliability of the third party to what you know about your t. Even if it proves true, a good t will not let that get in the way of your therapeutic relationship.

I completely understand the issue of closeness. I have also reached my threshold of closeness with my t and have recently come to the conclusion that I have been itching for any reason to run lately.

How long have you been seeing your t?

Regards,
happykat :)

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » Dinah

Posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 20:40:10

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 30, 2006, at 13:53:09

Dinah -

Thank you. I'm so out of sorts today. This is really bothering me, but I can't imagine, even though I think I'll need to, bring this up with her. Confronting difficulties is something I tend to run away from not towards. It compromises me in a way that embarasses me (my 3rd party).

After I went down to 2 sessions a week for a couple of weeks, I found out that my husband's company has private "wrap around" insurance that will continue to pay once the patient has exhausted all insurance. It pays 60% of the total fee, so I was able to add back in that 3rd session, although it has averaged out to twice a week with general scheduling problems and Christmas.

I also feel embarassed for my past remarks. I do respect her and her opinions. Yes, I still detest this person.

I don't think I'm using this as an excuse to continue pulling away. I left our last session feeling a tad better and content. I felt hopeful.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » Poet

Posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 23:05:20

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose, posted by Poet on December 30, 2006, at 14:15:57

Thank you for your thoughts. I sure hope this isn't a deal breaker - I go back and forth on this. I'm just confused. And it's hard when there is such a long break after a few weeks of inconsistency. And then she's taking a day off soon, then I go away for business for 4 LONG days --- life, it's always something.

I guess it would be easier if I could have an open and frank conversation with her. Instead I may get some, "How does that make you feel?" type questions which I detest! or "Why do you want to know?"

I guess there is a reason for t's being a blank slate.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down

Posted by muffled on December 31, 2006, at 7:44:42

In reply to Pulling away and closing down, posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

> Over the week, I found something out about my therapist through a third party. It isn't scandalous or weird, but just sort of surprising in that it doesn't fit with the person I imagined my therapist to be in her real life. And it bothers me that it unnerves me.

*Well if its of any use to you, it would unnerve me too :(
>
> When I think about all the times I have bashed this person, unsupported him, etc and all the while, she likes him.

**Well, it might be useful to throw it about a bit w/T just to clarify it between you. And its OK to agree to disagree on stuff too.
>
> I felt myself already pulling away in therapy prior to this discovery. I had let myself get as close as I was able to another human being and I don't like it.

**Yeah, its totally scarey isn't it? My pattern is to expose a little, then pull away, come a little closer, expose a bit, pull away.....and so on. And I got to tell you the exposing was often not much, but enough to freak me and make me run away.
>
> I have picked up the phone to cancel my appointment on Tuesday and hang up everytime. What am I going to say? And, I don't want her calling me back either. I know I should share with her what is bothering me, but it compromsises me.

**Well I don't think its appropriate to end T abruptly. I think you need to dicuss why and when. And if its not workable, then mebbe you need a diff T?
I have an extreemly difficult time talking bout myself. I send faxes that say the stuff I can't say, then T reads then in session. Then we discuss it as best as I am able to.
Thats bout all I can think of myself.
Hope things get easier for you.
My T says T is NOT for wimps! And she is SO right.
Take care,
Muffled
>
> I don't know what to do ... any suggestions?

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by Fallsfall on December 31, 2006, at 9:53:24

In reply to Pulling away and closing down, posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

Why is this such an issue for you? Reasonable people can disagree about someone. Perhaps you dislike a facet of this person that isn't important to your therapist's relationship with this person. After all the help she has been for you, why does this one conflict erase it all?

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » Fallsfall

Posted by annierose on December 31, 2006, at 12:01:58

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose, posted by Fallsfall on December 31, 2006, at 9:53:24

You are right, I know that. After journaling some, I guess it comes down to feeling embarassed and foolish and betrayed. In the safety of her office, I am free to express my opinions and feelings even if they clash with hers. I assumed (wrongly of course) that she felt the same way. I could be wrong. I may be attributing facts and feelings to her that may not be hers.

I'm glad I never called to cancel. And I was PMS-ing the past 2 days which may explain why it put me so out of sorts.

I just got back from yoga with my daughter. It was a great class and a great way to end 2006. I'm feeling more positive and figuring out a way to bring up this "discovery" with my t.

Happy New Year's Falls. I miss you.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » happykat

Posted by annierose on December 31, 2006, at 12:04:57

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose, posted by happykat on December 30, 2006, at 17:10:06

Thank you for your input. I have been seeing my therapist for 3 years, and for 5 years some time before.

Running away was my speciality the first time I sought help. I quit at least once a year, if not more, and/or walked out of sessions before they were over. I vowed to myself to never do that if I got a chance to work with her again. So far, I have kept my promise even though staying in my seat has taken so much energy, when running seemed so easy.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » muffled

Posted by annierose on December 31, 2006, at 12:09:07

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down, posted by muffled on December 31, 2006, at 7:44:42

Your t is right. Therapy is not for wimps. It's hard. Confronting my issues isn't something I do easily. Isn't it always the other person's fault?

I love my therapist. I know a different t wouldn't be different. I will always find a reason to run when the going gets tough with whomever I work with. That is just me and my stuff. I have such a long history with her and she is smart and gets me.

This is more about me than her at this point. That much I know. Thank you for your input. Everyone here has helped me figure out what I was feeling.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by mair on December 31, 2006, at 17:29:54

In reply to Pulling away and closing down, posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

Do you know the TV show "Curb your Enthusiasm?" There's this episode where Larry, the main character, goes to the beach one day and sees his rather overweight middle-aged male therapist there with a thong bathing suit on. He's so disgusted and he ultimately drops therapy without ever telling his T why.

I've a couple of experiences with my own T where I've had to confront stuff I had found out about her. I discovered after I started seeing her, for instance, that she was actually a friend of a colleague whom I discussed alot in therapy, because my relationship with him was so poor. I found out that her father had died very prematurely (years before) and found that I suddenly was very inhibited talking about my own father in the negative way that I did. I found some stuff out about her relationship with her husband which became a huge, but fortunately temporary impediment to therapy, and for a brief time, did seem like a deal-breaker. Although it was never easy for me to bring up any one of these things, putting them out on the table did help. You can't deal with the pink elephant in the room unless you both know it's there.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » mair

Posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 0:14:24

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose, posted by mair on December 31, 2006, at 17:29:54

There have been a lot of pink elephants hanging out in our sessions lately. Maybe I should buy my T "Elmer". Thank you for your input.

How is your t doing? Didn't she have surgery recently? Sorry if I have you confused with somebody else, but I was thinking about this recently, wondering how she was doing and you with the absence.

 

FYI - Wrong book link via Amazon

Posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 0:16:14

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » mair, posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 0:14:24

I was referencing Elmer the elephant with his multi-color skin.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2007, at 10:41:24

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » mair, posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 0:14:24

It sounds as if you're finding clarity on this topic? That you've decided this is a hurdle worth clearing, and looking for ways to do that?

I think that's the main step.

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by mair on January 1, 2007, at 14:49:22

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » mair, posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 0:14:24

Yes I am the babbler (or at least one of them) with a T who has cancer.

Her absences have been tough only in the sense that they've caused me to pull away from her. Otherwise, I think it's sort of like what happens when something bad happens to a family member or friend. Most of my thinking has been directed towards what she is going through, and what she still faces. I've sort of sucked it up and conditioned myself not to miss what I can't have right now.

Thank you for asking.

mair

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » mair

Posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 15:59:40

In reply to Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose, posted by mair on January 1, 2007, at 14:49:22

I think the pulling away has to do with protecting yourself. I feel for you. I selfishly worry about my therapist all the time - that she stays healthy.

Does she keep you updated on her progress?

I have a friend that successfully battled breast cancer. It was a long road. It did change her into an even more introspective person.

 

Re: FYI - Wrong book link via Amazon » annierose

Posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2007, at 17:36:59

In reply to FYI - Wrong book link via Amazon, posted by annierose on January 1, 2007, at 0:16:14

This one, I'll bet :-) "Elmer"

What an awesome book cover!!

 

Errrr....disregard the above link, please (nm)

Posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2007, at 17:38:03

In reply to Re: FYI - Wrong book link via Amazon » annierose, posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2007, at 17:36:59

 

Re: Errrr....disregard the above link, please

Posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2007, at 17:39:57

In reply to Errrr....disregard the above link, please (nm), posted by 10derHeart on January 1, 2007, at 17:38:03

I'm obsessed now....I *will* get this right....

"Elmer"

 

Re: Pulling away and closing down » annierose

Posted by Tamar on January 1, 2007, at 18:23:39

In reply to Pulling away and closing down, posted by annierose on December 30, 2006, at 13:41:31

Sorry, I’m a bit late to this thread.

I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time. I can totally understand that feeling of being unnerved about the thing you’ve been told. And I’d add my voice to the others that say the source may not be entirely reliable.

> When I think about all the times I have bashed this person, unsupported him, etc and all the while, she likes him.

It takes all sorts, though, doesn’t it? There may be very good reasons why you don’t like him, and your therapist may understand those reasons perfectly well and yet not feel the same way you do.

For example, my friend C is rather arrogant. I don’t normally like arrogance in people, but somehow I like C despite it (he has many good qualities, and I’ve found ways to confront his arrogant behaviour). Many of my other friends dislike C, and I understand why, and I know they’re often right in their assessment of him, but nevertheless I like him. It doesn’t bother me much when they criticise him, because in many ways I can understand their point of view, but I don’t share their point of view.

> I felt myself already pulling away in therapy prior to this discovery. I had let myself get as close as I was able to another human being and I don't like it.

It’s scary, isn’t it? Even scarier that she might not be exactly how you thought she was… that you’re still getting to know her.

> I know I should share with her what is bothering me, but it compromsises me.

I’m rapidly coming to the conclusion that almost everything we talk about in therapy compromises us… I wonder whether you’re a little afraid that your therapist might think you’re not such a nice person if you were to talk about this. Or maybe you’re worried she might change her opinion of you in some other way, and then you’ll lose the closeness that you could almost tolerate.

You probably don’t need me to tell you that sharing things like this can make the relationship extra-special. Allowing your therapist to see a side of yourself that you’re embarrassed by, or you’re not proud of, or you dislike, and still being accepted and cared for, is terrifying but beautiful.


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