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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 14:41:36
I wonder if those babblers who previously felt in love feelings towards their therapists were still 'in love' with their T or has everyone managed to move on and sort through that transference...
As it has been still bothering me, and i'm trying so hard to work through it, and understand she does NOT love me...
it's amazing how many clients have discussed feeling in love with their therapist even if they are of the same sex and or not even physically attractive...
it seeems to be a side effect of therapy just like a pill can give side effects...it still stuns me how much love i feel for my T...
Just wonder if i'm the only person here, or has anyone who posted to my thread in June this year have resolved the feelings ...or is anyone still struggling like me...with jealousy , and pain in my guts when i think of my t having sex with someone else ...
i hate admitting it, and i dont think of it often, as it hurts me...but it bothers me that it hurts me...i want it to go anway...esprecislly sinc3e she doent love me back...
anyone help me here'/?
Posted by Declan on December 6, 2006, at 17:40:57
In reply to anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..?, posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 14:41:36
In what you say I'm not surprised by the love angle, bur was by the sex. But perhaps that's because I did therapy in my 20s with a mature woman.
We are creatures of love, it comes to us very easily.
It is 20 years since I finished my therapy and even by the end of it I was tired of my efforts to find the real person behind the therapist.
If your T was not your T, would you consider a sexual relationship? See, that was not an issue with me.
Posted by happykat on December 6, 2006, at 18:12:35
In reply to anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..?, posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 14:41:36
I'm really new to the whole transference mess but I think if you really stop and think about how little you actually know about your T, at least in my case, the easier it is to understand how all your intense feelings are really reflective of some other person or experience in your life.
How long have you been seeing your T? Have you discussed this with her?
Posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 19:23:12
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Scentedgarden, posted by happykat on December 6, 2006, at 18:12:35
nearly 4 yrs, i know a fair amount about her, and she already told me waya t the start if we met outside sh'd ask me for a coffee...
i don't know if thats kosher, but i know we have to try very hard to stick to the boundaries..
we always laugh and smile at each other, and we have discussed it...but decided to drop it so we can focus on my probs...becuse its not what our relationship is about...
but anyway i still feel the things i see some other posters described or have described, and i sometimes wnat to never go back because it hurts sometimes, anyway i dont want to sound love struck, im not a flake...im just quite an intelligent person, and i do look logically at it...but im still not seeing it...
i know it crazy, but some part of me somewhere doesnt accept it....i dont even know what im saying now, as i know i would gel pretty well with her out side...
i know you probably think that sounds daft, and i gree in part, as i read other babblers on here and they seem to feel the same love at times for people who are their therapists...she has helped me alot, but anyway i will wait \nd see if anyone else can help me...
thanks for your reply
Posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 19:29:37
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Scentedgarden, posted by Declan on December 6, 2006, at 17:40:57
> In what you say I'm not surprised by the love angle, bur was by the sex. But perhaps that's because I did therapy in my 20s with a mature woman.
> We are creatures of love, it comes to us very easily.
> It is 20 years since I finished my therapy and even by the end of it I was tired of my efforts to find the real person behind the therapist.
> If your T was not your T, would you consider a sexual relationship? See, that was not an issue with me.HI i think your message is very helpful...could you plz elaborate for me on the efforts to know the person behind the thrapist...as i think you may be onto something there..
im just feeling it, i think you have something, but i dont know that i try to put effort into finding behind her, as i see behind her therapist face lots...most of the time, except whren she has to try very hard to put her mask back on to maintain boundaries with me...
Im looking very hard for help and to help myself with this...sa im not going to let it bog me down...or overwhelm me, but it is obviously bugging me enough to spend time writng about it to you here..
i wish with all my heart if its part of my sickness that i will get better...
and if it's real then i will know it too, and just accept we gel...and that happens sometimes...and leave it at that...we have decided to wind down now,, and finish in a year...but i may go sooner...anyway thats another thread,,,so lets stick to 'in love' stuff for the mo...
thanks for your help and reply..scentedgarden
Posted by Declan on December 7, 2006, at 1:27:48
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Declan, posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 19:29:37
For a good description of issues around the person behind the therapist, read vwoolf's thread which is 2 above this one.
Posted by Declan on December 7, 2006, at 1:35:39
In reply to anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..?, posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 14:41:36
If I was you (don't take my advice) I would not be trying to work through the transferance so much as to wallow in it, if only because it is so interesting and the working through it is not. But perhaps it's not so easy. You want your T to love you, you love your T, but doubts remain.
I dunno about the loving back. My understanding was that ethics did not permit a dropping of the role (if role it is).
I spent 15 years with my T, 5 days a week, so there was a lot of role and not much else.
But I don't mean to imply that it was an act or anything like that. I believed, and still do, that she loved me. But that was that.
Posted by Scentedgarden on December 7, 2006, at 7:54:54
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Scentedgarden, posted by Declan on December 7, 2006, at 1:35:39
> If I was you (don't take my advice) I would not be trying to work through the transferance so much as to wallow in it, if only because it is so interesting and the working through it is not. But perhaps it's not so easy. You want your T to love you, you love your T, but doubts remain.
>
> I dunno about the loving back. My understanding was that ethics did not permit a dropping of the role (if role it is).
> I spent 15 years with my T, 5 days a week, so there was a lot of role and not much else.
> But I don't mean to imply that it was an act or anything like that. I believed, and still do, that she loved me. But that was that.Awe ...!! Declan your posts are so full of wisdom and truth, as i can feel you have experienced this for yourself and you have been a huge help to me..THANKYOU..
i did wallow in it for about 1 and half years then i felt my desire to hear her moans of pleasure as i made love to her became too much for me to take ..so i began to act up in therapy pushing her to erminate me...but she didnt terminate and we got throught that rocky patch...
it's hard to write it all on here as i dont want the whole world to kow, and i feel if she ever read his board she would know it was me for sure if i go into much more details...
Thanks for directing me to the posts above for info on the person behind the therapist...I will have alook for sure.
I was hoping you could tll me what sort of efforts you made to do the same, were they just in your conversations...fishing for info, or did you try outside of thrapy to know more about her..?
if you dont want to asnswer i understand...
i could email you privately if that is something you consider allright.. i dont know..
But you are wonderful for me right now, so i thank you so much, as i have been struggling so much with it all ...i hardly ever post here but i read them and usually find other people are going through the exact same things as me, so i just learn from reading the posts..
but this was something i hadnt seen alot of lately on here, the whole desire to be her lover thing, and that has been very hard for me to take at times, as i dont think i want to make someone moan with pleasure more than i want my therapist to with ME...
how sad is that/!!! How stupid aam I!
am i so sik in the head that i fancy someone so much that i cant have...? why won't it go away? why did it come? How can anyone feel so much for someone just because they listen to you well..
I'm sorry this is long...I'm crying telling you this right now..and i've read all the books on it i can find..in the last 18 months since it began i have read dozens...but in the end...this is happening to me...and it doesnt matter if i have read it in a book..
hope that makes sense, i love books i read lots, It's just that i want this so much , and i'm denying my feelings ever time i see her, as there is nothing we can do about them anyway, so i have to focus on my other problems and just not deal with this...this that makes me feel stupid and silly...
I measn to keep on telling someone you cant have that you want them is insane!!!
and will only make me look like a plonker!
I would go off someone quicker than snow off a dyke if someone kept on telling me thay wanting to f**k my brains out, so i dont want to be the worst ve4rsion of myself with her...we only have an hour fornitghly now...it was once a week for 2 years and before that fornightly to begin with...i dont want to waste it by telling her things she cant let me do or do to me anyway...
Posted by Scentedgarden on December 7, 2006, at 8:01:51
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Scentedgarden, posted by Declan on December 7, 2006, at 1:35:39
> If I was you (don't take my advice) I would not be trying to work through the transferance so much as to wallow in it, if only because it is so interesting and the working through it is not. But perhaps it's not so easy. You want your T to love you, you love your T, but doubts remain.
>
I feel that if she knew I was on here discussing this, that she'd be disappointed that i was!I don't know is it a role,? has she got to keep her distance?...I have read all the books, but I want you people on here, who are in therapy and who have been in therapy to share with me..how they have felt about it, if at all...please if you can share i would be most helped by your sharing. Thanks you..
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 14:41:37
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Declan, posted by Scentedgarden on December 7, 2006, at 7:54:54
Gosh SG I feel so bad for you.
Its sounds so very hard and intense.
What DOES your T say for you to do about it?
Does she know how intense it is?
Does she know just how much it bothers you?
It sad that you goto struggle with this with no help from your T.
I dunno what to say that could help?
Other than it proly needs to be dealt with.
Whatsd gonna happen when you terminate?
Will the feelings go away?
Would it be better to be with a different T?
I really dunno what to suggest.
Sorry you are having so much difficulty with this :(
Muffled
Posted by Scentedgarden on December 7, 2006, at 15:05:08
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Scentedgarden, posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 14:41:37
thanks muffly, ur sooo sweet...i donno the asas to all those questions, but it is worth trying to find them out. thats why i came on here to find some help. she thinks i should focus on other things, and thats all. i do very often focus on other things...i';m not swaping to another therapist, im just rounding off with her, and that will be that. maybe she will remain a fantasy sexually and a therapist internally, and the kind caring mother figure eternally... in my soul..thanks again muffly for feeling my pain wth me..you are so sweet..! hope ur okay these days..bye bye is it ok to sign with a kiss ? x
Posted by sandrafromdurham on December 11, 2006, at 16:34:44
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » muffled, posted by Scentedgarden on December 7, 2006, at 15:05:08
Dear Scentedgarden, Oh, wow, now i see why we might not want to use our real name. I read from your post that you need/want to hear from others who have similar feelings and experiences to yours with your therapist. I've been in a similar situation to yours for four years. Almost since i started my treatment with this T I have felt a strong attraction with definite sexual overtones. Yes, I'd like to make him moan. I have been able, with great difficulty, to make my feelings known. We have had terrible problems looking for a resolution to these feelings that does not (no matter how much i try) include actually acting on them. About two and a half years ago he told me that he had come to love me. (He said it first.) We are both married also and he, more than I, is strongly opposed to cheating. . . Well, as you know, it's all very complicated and also ridiculously cliched and moronic. I want to also say that he is a really good psychotherapist which he is consciously determined to be despite this "little" problem and continues to believe that he can be helpful to me in my treatment. I believe this also, except that it hurts so bad to want to be with him and it gets so confusing--who's doing the wanting and who is wanted, etc.--transference vs. real relationship--As for getting to know the real person, have you tried simply asking? I am amazed at how much you can get that way, although, now we really do know each other well. I can ask pretty much anything but also respect limits, i don't ask about his sex with wife, etc (but i do hope he's not having any with her). Write back if you still want to discuss this, I am surprised there was not much response. Sandra
Posted by Scentedgarden on December 17, 2006, at 9:25:36
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Scentedgarden, posted by sandrafromdurham on December 11, 2006, at 16:34:44
hi ..thanks for you msg...I AM VERY KEEN TO DISCUSS WITH YOU YES...PLZ...THAT WD BE GREAT..!
i THOUGHT THREE WOULD HV BEEN SOME MORE RESPONSE AS WELL, I GUESS EVERYONE ON HERE THAT ARE REGULARS HAVE ALREADY GONE THROUGH THIS STUFF, AND DONT FIND IT UN THEIR STREET ANYMORE...
i AM VERY HAPPY WITH THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE RESPONDE...EVERYONE REPLY HAS BEEN SO VAULUABLE TO ME...IT HELPS SO MUCH TO SHARE WITH OTHERS ON HERE THAT ARE GOING THROUGH SIMILAR FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES WITHING THEIR THERAPUTIV RELATIONSHIPS..
i'M IN A RUSH RIGHT NOW, BUT JUST WANTED TO WRITE THIS VERY UICK REPLY, AND SAY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ON THE BOARDS FOR ABOUT A WEEK SO TAT'S WHY I HAVENT SEEN YOUR LOVELY MESSAGE UNTIL NOW..THANKS FOR SHARING, I WILL WRITE MORE SOON PROBABLY AFTER MY NEXT APPT AS IM CHOCKA BLOCK BUSY TILL THEN...TAKE CARE X
Posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 20:00:32
In reply to anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..?, posted by Scentedgarden on December 6, 2006, at 14:41:36
Hi Scentedgarden,
I haven’t been on the boards for a while but I read your thread and wanted to respond, though I realise I‘m somewhat late. I’ve come to the conclusion that sexual love for a therapist isn’t so different from platonic love.
I recognise all to well the desire to hear your therapist’s moans of pleasure, and I used to feel the same kind of thing for my therapist. That was when we were working on particular stuff; now that we’re working on different stuff I no longer feel the sexual excitement (well, maybe every now and then) but I do feel intense platonic love and I still feel devastated at the lack of reciprocation.
I wish I could be of more help to you, but I think there’s always something painful about love for a therapist, whether it’s sexual or not. I think it’s partly a symbolic pain: it represents previous losses and disappointments and other times when we have felt unloved or unattractive. I suspect that part of the remedy is learning to believe you’re loveable and beautiful. And I’m sure you are loveable and beautiful, but maybe you don’t believe it yet.
I hope you find your way through these confusing feelings!
Tamar
Posted by bird in the sky on December 29, 2006, at 21:19:22
In reply to Re: anyone still in love with their T..? Or not..? » Scentedgarden, posted by Tamar on December 26, 2006, at 20:00:32
Hi everyone,
I also haven't been on the board for a while. I am always attracted to the "in love with therapist" theme, because that i am. I, like Tamar, have noticed my love may have changed a bit. It is not quite as sexual and intense when i am not with him, as it used to be, though when I am with him it is sexual and it's hard not to just think about it or hard to keep myself from acting out. If any thing, i can't get the picture out of my mind of me positioned with my head against his chest. I so much want to hear his heart beat. I feel so deeply for him, but it doesn't feel so painful like it has with other (unrequited) loves of the past. It actually feels pretty good, though creates a little too much longing than may be real healthy. I don't know. i just can't see stopping therapy with him, that's the only thing...Tamar says"
I suspect that part of the remedy is learning to believe you’re loveable and beautiful. And I’m sure you are loveable and beautiful, but maybe you don’t believe it yet."
I do think i am loveable and somewhat beautiful, (mostly from the inside shining out) but not quite sure what i have to offer someone.I also have a strong desire, wish, to do something for him. Yeah, sex would be my first choice, but anything that he would enjoy, be comforted by, anything. But it doesn't seem the boundaries allow this? any ideas?
This is the end of the thread.
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