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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 21:09:46
I just need to hear comforting words. The depth of this sadness is unbelievable. I really want my T to just be able to soothe me. I know it's important to be able to soothe myself, but do you think that it's okay to want my T to soothe me too? I'm sad.
sunnydays
Posted by Jost on November 18, 2006, at 21:49:35
In reply to please...., posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 21:09:46
Sunnydays, of course it's okay.
You will find the comfort you're looking for. Thanksgiving is one of the hardest times in the year. You'll get through it and reconnect.
He'll be there. Even though it seems far away, he'll be there.
I'm sorry that it's so hard now.
{{{Sunny}}}
Jostt
Posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 22:11:55
In reply to Re: please...., posted by Jost on November 18, 2006, at 21:49:35
> Sunnydays, of course it's okay.
**** See, part of why I'm worried about it is that I am in this DBT group and we were talking about self-soothing as a distress tolerance skill. I think they might have meant this in a different way than I took it, but they said it's important to soothe yourself because some people get caught up looking for other people to soothe them. And I took that to mean - you should think you deserve comfort, but you should be able to fill that need yourself. And I'm pretty sure they didn't mean it quite that strictly, and I think it was more if people are always getting into relationships and clinging to get people to satisfy those needs. I tend to be scared of relationships and it's huge for me to let someone in to soothe me. But it just made me feel like it's wrong for me to do that, somehow. So it's not? Or at least not bad to want it?
> You will find the comfort you're looking for. Thanksgiving is one of the hardest times in the year. You'll get through it and reconnect.***** I know, it just seems like such a very long time.
>
> He'll be there. Even though it seems far away, he'll be there.**** That brought tears to my eyes. Because that's one of the biggest things I'm afraid of. Is that he'll be gone. And that I'll be alone again.
>
> I'm sorry that it's so hard now.
>
> {{{Sunny}}}
>
> Jostt
**** Thank you Jost.sunnydays
Posted by Jost on November 19, 2006, at 0:18:15
In reply to Re: please...., posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 22:11:55
Hi, Sunnydays.
Don't take what was said in the DBT group in that way.
I don't know the context, but I do know that you need to look for soothing from other people. No one does it alone-- maybe some people are especially hardy and can survive mostly on their own, but it's very hard-- Everyone needs this from others. Now, esp. you need to feel you have the right to want and receive it.
Yes, there are the limits, and they are hard. But it's not your fault.
When you haven't learned that as a child, haven't been given that right-- it's terribly difficult to learn as an adult. But it does happen. It takes place in many ways-- and a very important part is allowing someone, like your T, to soothe you, gradually, over time, and therefore to become able to be soothed.
It's true, you have to go through these breaks and hard times. Times when it doesn't work. But gradually, you'll be able to do it internally. It will happen. It just takes time.
Hang in there.
Jost
Posted by madeline on November 19, 2006, at 13:33:34
In reply to please...., posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 21:09:46
Sunny,
It sounds as though our therapy progression is very similar.
I so wanted my therapist to be my dad. I just wanted to sit in his lap and have him make all the bad stuff just go away. I wanted to go to his house for thanksgiving and the holidays.
Dealing with that was very very hard for me. It came with the realization that the care I had has a child was horrible and I had been cheated. The parenting I was entitled to as a human being I did not get.
The grief, the longing and the frustration was almost overwhelming and I channeled it all into my therapist.
I got through it and you will too.
Self soothing is important, but it is also a natural human trait to reach out to others for comfort and reassurance.
We should have gotten our fill of this reasurance and safety as children and, as a result, should be better able to cope with things as adults. But we didn't. So we have to deal with life without the confidence to face adversity that others have.
So we deal with THAT as adults and it's okay.
Love your therapist, miss your therapist and deepen your attachement to them. For me, it formed the basis for the confidence that I was lacking.
Yes, you are trying to recreate something that you missed as a child, but it is SUCH A NECESSARY thing for humans, that you need it in your life.
Take care of yourself and know that you will be sad a lot. But that sadness isn't a bad thing.
Cry, let it all out and then you will begin to live again.The light at the end of tunnel is in sight.
Maddie
Posted by muffled on November 19, 2006, at 14:56:04
In reply to Re: please.... » sunnydays, posted by madeline on November 19, 2006, at 13:33:34
Sorry ((((SD)))
Yeah, I guess I in same boat too somehow. I was freaking out and T says you got family that cares for you, tell them your hurting. BUT I CAN'T. I have always hidden what I felt. I have always had to be strong. My T is the only one who knows bout my hurt. But what could she do? She is T. That is all. I not her kid. She not gonna come and nurture me like she does her irl kids :-(
Its very hard.
I dunno how come I this way.
We babblers gonna have to send nurture to each other.
Sigh.
{{{{{NUrture and caring for Sunnydays}}}} cuz she is good and worthy of being cared for.
Muffled
Posted by rubenstein on November 19, 2006, at 16:19:05
In reply to please...., posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 21:09:46
i think it is totally ok to want to hear your t's comforting voice. i am sorry for your sadness
rachel> I just need to hear comforting words. The depth of this sadness is unbelievable. I really want my T to just be able to soothe me. I know it's important to be able to soothe myself, but do you think that it's okay to want my T to soothe me too? I'm sad.
>
> sunnydays
Posted by SatinDoll on November 19, 2006, at 18:21:24
In reply to please...., posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 21:09:46
(((((Sunnydays))))))))))
I just want you to know that I understand and have felt the very same way about my T. I wish my T would just hold me sometimes, and not even talk, just to be there.
Can you call your T and talk to her on Monday? I have done that before with my T , just wanted to call to hear his voice. I felt kinda dumb doing that , but sometimes feeling dumb is what it takes to get what you need from them. He won't hold me physically, but hearing his soft caring words means the world to me sometimes. ((((( sunnydays)))))))))
Posted by sunnydays on November 19, 2006, at 21:39:50
In reply to Re: please...., posted by Jost on November 19, 2006, at 0:18:15
Thank you so much Jost. The feelings seem to have eased off a little today. Thank you so much for thinking about me.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on November 19, 2006, at 21:42:29
In reply to Re: please.... » sunnydays, posted by madeline on November 19, 2006, at 13:33:34
> Sunny,
>
> It sounds as though our therapy progression is very similar.
>
> I so wanted my therapist to be my dad. I just wanted to sit in his lap and have him make all the bad stuff just go away. I wanted to go to his house for thanksgiving and the holidays.**** yes, that's exactly what I think I want sometimes
>
> Dealing with that was very very hard for me. It came with the realization that the care I had has a child was horrible and I had been cheated. The parenting I was entitled to as a human being I did not get.**** Thank you. I have a hard time believing I was entitled to it. And then when I realize I was and didn't get it, it just makes me horribly, horribly sad.
>
> The grief, the longing and the frustration was almost overwhelming and I channeled it all into my therapist.
>
> I got through it and you will too.
>***** Thank you. Can you elaborate more what you meant about channeling it through your therapist? That's what I do I think. I think all the feelings are about him, but really they're about what I wanted and never got.
> Self soothing is important, but it is also a natural human trait to reach out to others for comfort and reassurance.
>
> We should have gotten our fill of this reasurance and safety as children and, as a result, should be better able to cope with things as adults. But we didn't. So we have to deal with life without the confidence to face adversity that others have.
>
> So we deal with THAT as adults and it's okay.
>
> Love your therapist, miss your therapist and deepen your attachement to them. For me, it formed the basis for the confidence that I was lacking.
>
> Yes, you are trying to recreate something that you missed as a child, but it is SUCH A NECESSARY thing for humans, that you need it in your life.
>
> Take care of yourself and know that you will be sad a lot. But that sadness isn't a bad thing.
> Cry, let it all out and then you will begin to live again.
>
> The light at the end of tunnel is in sight.
>
> Maddie
***** Thank you Maddie. Your post was so helpful. I don't feel so alone.sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on November 19, 2006, at 21:45:53
In reply to Re: please.... » madeline, posted by muffled on November 19, 2006, at 14:56:04
> Sorry ((((SD)))
> Yeah, I guess I in same boat too somehow. I was freaking out and T says you got family that cares for you, tell them your hurting. BUT I CAN'T. I have always hidden what I felt. I have always had to be strong. My T is the only one who knows bout my hurt. But what could she do? She is T. That is all. I not her kid. She not gonna come and nurture me like she does her irl kids :-(**** No, she's not muffled. But she does care about you. And it's okay to let her care. You can be strong and still have someone care about you. It's really okay. But I know it's hard. I have a hard time believing it too. But it's true.
> Its very hard.
> I dunno how come I this way.
> We babblers gonna have to send nurture to each other.
> Sigh.
> {{{{{NUrture and caring for Sunnydays}}}} cuz she is good and worthy of being cared for.
> Muffled{{{{ Nurturing and caring back to you, dear sweet muffly}}}}}
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on November 19, 2006, at 21:46:18
In reply to Re: please...., posted by rubenstein on November 19, 2006, at 16:19:05
Posted by sunnydays on November 19, 2006, at 21:49:00
In reply to Re: please...., posted by SatinDoll on November 19, 2006, at 18:21:24
> (((((Sunnydays))))))))))
>
> I just want you to know that I understand and have felt the very same way about my T. I wish my T would just hold me sometimes, and not even talk, just to be there.
>
> Can you call your T and talk to her on Monday? I have done that before with my T , just wanted to call to hear his voice. I felt kinda dumb doing that , but sometimes feeling dumb is what it takes to get what you need from them. He won't hold me physically, but hearing his soft caring words means the world to me sometimes. ((((( sunnydays)))))))))
>
>Thank you satindoll. He's not very good on the phone, and it's just hard for me to feel connected then. But I email him, and that helps because I can imagine his voice the way it should be.
sunnydays
Posted by madeline on November 20, 2006, at 6:52:34
In reply to Re: please...., posted by sunnydays on November 19, 2006, at 21:42:29
Well, when I channeled it all into my therapist I had to deal with a lot of hurt (in addition to the hurt I felt about missing so much as a child).
I was quite an jolt when I realized that this man was never going to be my father, he could not ride me away on this white horse and save me.
I was not his kid, no matter how much I wanted to be.
It was a different kind of grief, but it was all rolled into grieving for my childhood.
So I got really really mad at him. I almost quit therapy over it. HE became everything bad that had ever happened to me.
But I didn't quit, I stayed in there, he understood how I felt and we worked through it. His unwavering support finally got though to me.
He was not going to be my dad, my lover, my best friend, but he was someone that was going to be with me while I went through this.
We have a really good relationship now and I have a lot more confidence when I deal with life.
I wish that there was some way I could reach out to you and make this pain go away, because frankly, it sucks.
But I had to do it, and maybe you do too.
Love and tears
Maddie
Posted by Jost on November 20, 2006, at 16:23:47
In reply to Re: please.... » Jost, posted by sunnydays on November 19, 2006, at 21:39:50
I'm glad, Sunnydays. That's important.
I'll be around a lot for the next few days and also I'll be thinking about how you're doing.
Good days are good. They count for a lot.
{{{Sunny}}}
Jost
Posted by sunnydays on November 20, 2006, at 20:48:03
In reply to Re: please.... » sunnydays, posted by madeline on November 20, 2006, at 6:52:34
> Well, when I channeled it all into my therapist I had to deal with a lot of hurt (in addition to the hurt I felt about missing so much as a child).
>
> I was quite an jolt when I realized that this man was never going to be my father, he could not ride me away on this white horse and save me.
>
> I was not his kid, no matter how much I wanted to be.
>
> It was a different kind of grief, but it was all rolled into grieving for my childhood.
>
> So I got really really mad at him. I almost quit therapy over it. HE became everything bad that had ever happened to me.
>
> But I didn't quit, I stayed in there, he understood how I felt and we worked through it. His unwavering support finally got though to me.
>
> He was not going to be my dad, my lover, my best friend, but he was someone that was going to be with me while I went through this.
>
> We have a really good relationship now and I have a lot more confidence when I deal with life.
>
> I wish that there was some way I could reach out to you and make this pain go away, because frankly, it sucks.
>
> But I had to do it, and maybe you do too.
>
> Love and tears
>
> MaddieThanks maddie. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on November 20, 2006, at 20:48:23
In reply to Re: please...., posted by Jost on November 20, 2006, at 16:23:47
Thank you.
((((Jost))))
sunnydays
This is the end of the thread.
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