![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 17 to 41 of 59. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on December 23, 2004, at 20:58:03
In reply to Re: boring humorless dullard, posted by annierose on December 23, 2004, at 18:39:58
PG? That would be no fun. ;)
I did have a thread a while back about losing my daydreams. It's still a terrible sorrow to me that I can't seem to bring them back.
Posted by annierose on December 23, 2004, at 21:03:56
In reply to Re: boring humorless dullard » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 23, 2004, at 20:58:03
I only tend to daydream when I am bored (which I don't get the chance to with a job, children and husband who always create things for me to do or attend to ...). But when I am lucky enough to be bored, I do daydream. Sometimes they are rated X, and not always with my husband. Sex can be over rated. Lots of time I put myself on a beach, with a good book, glass of wine with no kids around. I dream about inner peace.
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 19:34:02
In reply to Re: boring humorless dullard » Dinah, posted by annierose on December 23, 2004, at 21:03:56
Thank you, everyone - voce, Fallen, daisy, Dinah, Aphrodite and LG04. It is very helpful to hear about everyone's differing experiences with their ego states- no two are the same!
As an adult, I tend to talk and interact quite a lot with people, and am considered warm and lively. But gradually, in analysis, a really terrified, silent little girl has appeared. This girl is about 6 years old; she was beaten quite severely, and now, I know that she was molested also. She is so ashamed and guilty, and still thinks the analyst will blame her for what happened. Bit by bit, she tells him more details, and tells him, also, how lonely she is- that part is going well, I think. The part that is so hard for her is to feel comforted and secure with him. She just can't yet imagine anything that good happening, even though that's what she wants more than anything. Well, I can at least say that this is real therapy- it now feels so real and to the heart of things, even though it hurts so much. I told my analyst today that I was hoping some joy and comfort would come later, and he said "it certainly can." I guess not for a while, though!
Posted by daisym on December 27, 2004, at 20:19:55
In reply to Not exactly a real update.., posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 19:34:02
Sounds to me like you are realistic in your expectations of how long it might take her to feel real comfort. Trusting comes slowly, but I think comfort comes even slower. It is hard to articulate why, exactly. As you said, you just don't expect anything that good to happen. How is it that you have been able to get her to talk? Do you feel her first...or have her memories arrived, whole or in pieces? I'm also curious is your therapist asks her direct questions. Do parts of you miss him, even if it is "just" for the weekend?
I found that I was really nervous in the waiting room today, after the Holiday break. It occured to me that little daisy was sure our therapist would get his days mixed up and forget to come and get her. Even if unintentional, she was braced for a let down. So we talked about this. And we talked about being without him for 4 days. I said, "it was hard at times and I felt sad at night." He wanted to know what hard meant and why I felt sad. I didn't know really. "I missed you" didn't seem right -- it was more than that. The little pieces in me felt more fragmented and more anxious without their safe base. Plus the war between the adult-me and the "kids" intensifies without his input. I guess this is all just a continuation of the trust aspect.
I really want to talk to someone besides my therapist about what is happening in therapy -- I guess I'm trying to validate my experience and understand it more. It feels really important right now, for some reason. I hope we can continue this thread.
Daisy
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 21:01:38
In reply to Re: Not exactly a real update.. » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on December 27, 2004, at 20:19:55
She talks in sudden quick bursts- those come in the middle of the flow of free association. Her statements are really startling and unexpected to us both- they are really unconscious to me until the second they are spoken. He does often ask her questions, or speak directly to her, but only after he knows that she's really *there*. He speaks to her in an especially gentle tone, and with simple words. The feelings start getting strong a bit before the words come out-all the hard ones- fear, shame, sobbing. The thing that helps me the most is that, after he has spoken so gently to her, he encourages me to understand and comfort her, also. For a long time, I kept forgetting to do that (I wanted to forget about her), but now that I can remember better, it really does lessen my emotional distress to try to put side my competition with her and try to consciously comfort her. I think he feels that it's such a major task dealing with ego states that both he and the adult me need to do everything we possibly can.
While I would love to feel more comfort, at least I do feel much more aware of my young self, and her cut-off, until now unconscious memories. I think it has helped to decrease my anxiety and depression, at least some, and has given me more sureness and confidence in my daily life. Do you comfort any of your younger selves- or does your T. ask you to do that?
I do miss him during any breaks, although not as intensely as I did initially- but very much the way you mentioned. I have fantasies to help with that: that I (the little girl) take a walk with him in the woods behind his house- he actually encouraged me to drive by to see his house when I first expressed an interest! I know that's a bit different from some experiences others have had with house drive-bys!
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 27, 2004, at 22:13:03
In reply to Not exactly a real update.., posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 19:34:02
You're a very smart lady and dress well too so I will not point out the obvious as if you do not know....I will say be patient with yourself while your emotional side catches up with the intellectual side on how T will take that news
((((( PF )))))
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 23:54:41
In reply to Re: Not exactly a real update.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4MyT on December 27, 2004, at 22:13:03
Why, thank you, Fallen! I always love a clothes compliment from you. As to driving by the house, when I said that I'd had the thought of doing it, he said, "why don't you, then?" I DID! It was a very nice house, bordering on some woods. Since then, it's become the location for the dreams and fantasies of the little girl who's in desperate need of a *good* father. I didn't know that was going to be the result of my visit, but I think he did!
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 28, 2004, at 0:06:01
In reply to Re: Not exactly a real update.. » Fallen4MyT, posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 23:54:41
I bet he did too...he seems from what I recall a rather inightful dude...you can tell him I called him DUDE hahaha..he will know me by the clothes gig hehe....anyhow I bet he knew that would be another connection and I am guessing you will keep building on it. What color you gonna wear new time ;)
Posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 0:35:33
In reply to Re: Not exactly a real update.. » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 21:01:38
I've had dreams where my therapists asks me to care for my youngerself and I refuse. I guess I'm still mad at her for the upset she brings and how strong she is sometimes. There have been a few occasions where I have felt sorry for her and once or twice I've felt protective. More typically we war in my head over what she wants to say and how much she wants to come to therapy.
I think something has shifted again for me because I'm questioning two things. One is the frequency of contact -- I'm not really concerned with making him sick of me (though that sometimes flares up)like I use to be. Instead I think that I shouldn't want what I know I want -- does that sentence make any sense? My therapist tells me we are doing really deep work so it makes sense to him that I feel the need to see him a lot. After all, who else are you going to talk to about all of this?
The second thing is that we are beginning to change how we relate to each other. I feel myself forcing honesty a bit more instead of retreating into silence. And he doesn't let me brush him off with "nothing or no where." "Where are you going?" "No where." "hmm...seems to me you slipped away...I'd really like to hear where you went." That usually adds the security I need to tell him about something. But I know he is careful. The adult always understands what he is doing but sometimes little daisy gets upset and feels pushed.
I think I'm worried about where we go next. Everytime I think we've explored all the dark corners, something else creeps out. And I don't know about your six-year-old, but for me, talking about the beatings is so much harder than the csa. I feel like it shouldn't be...but somehow it feels like a huge betrayal and paints such an ugly picture. And the fear...I can actually feel it run up my neck and into my hair. I labeled it "live fear" because it is an old fear that lives on very strongly.
The worst thing for me is that I feel so much tension and anxiety in my "real" life -- and I'm aware that it is old. But it is my filter right now and I find myself more depressed than usual. Perhaps this is the sadness I was trying to tell him about today. It is about more than a separation but it is as simple as that too. I think the younger parts of me are so sad that they didn't know him "then" and that we missed so much. Before I started all this, I didn't know I could even have the depth of feelings I have now. I'm still not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 28, 2004, at 9:28:20
In reply to Coexisting Ego States, posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 0:35:33
I think I understand all the things you mentioned; I keep experiencing one or another of them, too. Aren't all the things which are hard to bear- the longing to see him very often, the fear of the abuse, the fear that he won't want to keep seeing you , the sorrow that you had to endure this- and that he wasn't there to love and protect you *then*- all feelings that the younger you had, and keeps on having? You could call some of it "flashbacks", but, to look at it another way, the younger you is still alive, and doesn't have a time sense the way the adult you does.
I'd agree completely with your T that you are really doing very deep important work. You've gotten your younger self truly out into the therapy, and all the feelings you are experiencing are the very uncomfortable, uncertain ones which she felt. I think it's OK to trust them, even though you don't yet know where they are leading. It will lead to more acceptance and integration between the two parts, and that should eventually diminish your depression and anxiety. I think it's so good to allow as much of a dialogue as possible between your younger self and the therapist- that way, your younger part will have a new, good experience with your wonderful T, who seems to know just what to do, and is not having any difficulty maintaining a very positive, optimistic and close conection to all of you. If you think about it, he is very experienced, and he must have been able to bring really difficult work like this to a successful conclusion with other clients. If he hadn't done that, he wouldn't be so hopeful and confident in his work with you. If you're discouraged now, let him have "hope for you both", as mine has said. Also, if you need medication, don't be afraid to take it; I know you've frequently seen it written that therapy and medication are the most potent combination for change. I'm personally in favor of low doses of medication; I presently take 37.5 mg. of Wellbutrin, and 5 mg. of Lexapro
Posted by Daisym on December 28, 2004, at 11:02:55
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on December 28, 2004, at 9:28:20
Thanks for the encouragement. I trust him. I just don't trust me. It feels like all the things in my life I used to know "for sure" I don't anymore. It makes sense, as you said, that this uncertainty is coming from the younger part of me.
I was thinking about the above thread on attachment and me and you and others here. I can't imagine doing this work if I wasn't sure he would be there, day after day, "just in case." He finally said it out loud last week: "You were so badly damaged and your ability to trust and receive comfort for your deepest feelings was destroyed. This has to be healed, over time and through our relationship." (We had been talking about some of my friends and their therapy, which looks nothing like mine.)
I still want a crystal ball which will show me how long this will take, or at least, how long before I can back myself off. At what point do you tell yourself that you must stand on your own two feet more, go to therapy less and remain steady without the frequent contact? Maybe this is what medication could do for me?
Are you having a hard time closing your younger self back up, in between sessions?
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 28, 2004, at 11:42:06
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » Pfinstegg, posted by Daisym on December 28, 2004, at 11:02:55
I think my terrified, frozen girl is *out* all the time now; I'm trying to learn to be more comfortable with all her feelings, as well as to remember to comfort her when the feelings begin to really hurt a lot. I must admit, life was easier when she was *in*! (except it wasn't really- i was more anxious and depressed)
Your therapist is so right about the damage to your younger self's trust and ability to be comforted. It really sounds as though both of them (both our Ts) feel confident that once these parts of ourselves are more fully present, they can begin to have the new, good and healing experience of interacting with our gifted, caring therapists. I don't worry how long I'll be so dependent, or about whether I should back off. I know it won't be soon, but i think i will know when I can do it.
Posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 18:30:15
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » Daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on December 28, 2004, at 11:42:06
Today's session made me dizzy. I was leaping from age state to age state, getting everything all confused and twisted up. I ended up with a single phrase screaming in my head, "don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me." My therapist was so calm but he didn't rescue me, he just had each age state stay with it: the young girl of 7 whose mom was in the hospital for 2 months and the abuse started...the girl of 13 who was putting up with some heavy duty csa and then her dad moved away anyway, with no contact for 4 years and the adult whose husband is dying, no matter what she does. It was so, so hard to have us all crying at the same time. But I think I've been working up to this intersection of pain for weeks now. The cross over is unbelievable. It got quiet and my therapist looked at me sadly and just said, "OH, {Daisy}..."
Of course the younger girls needed reassurance that he would be there tomorrow. The adult needs to think about some of these new insights. I have no idea how to not retraumatized little daisy every day by the tension and anger in my house and another impending "leaving." My therapist said it is obviously a re-enactment for her and it explains a lot about why I am so unstable right now but he doesn't have the answer as to what "we" do about it. (I love that he says "we.")He just wants me to trust him that I can get through all of this and he won't leave me in the middle of it.
I grew very afraid today that I would disappoint him and not have the strength to deal with it all. I don't know which part of me that is coming from. Do you worry that your therapist is disappointed that your younger self doesn't trust him yet?
This is so hard. I feel just nuts, all these parts and pieces. How do you accept this? Or at least move towards acceptance. I actually sobbed out today, "make it stop. I don't want to know these things anymore." *sigh* I'm choosing to do this, right?
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 28, 2004, at 18:47:35
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 18:30:15
That sounds like a tremendously hard, but meaningful session- it's like everything really painful, from all the parts, just all came out practically at once! Don't you think that might be a sign that you are integrating everything more? There will be good things, too, daisy. Your T is really the most genuine and empathic one I've ever heard of. I know there's got to be a lot of healing in how he uses the relationship you have with him to help you get well.
You are right on! I came in today, and found my 6-year old self saying that she was completely terrified that if she began to trust him, he would leave her. Then I looked at him, and said, "you look so sad." He said, "yes, I'm feeling something I don't often feel- how hopeless she is- as if she just can't imagine a good experience with anyone- not even me." As we talked about that a little, those feelings abated, and she did trust him enough to remember more details of the abuse. I ended on a completely different note- glad of the work we had done together, and sharing a laugh with him about how much vanilla-almond ice cream my little girl seems to need to consume these days!
Posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 19:05:51
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on December 28, 2004, at 18:47:35
As I walked out today, I told him, "tomorrow we talk about lasagna recipes." He laughed. I'm glad you ended on a good note too.
There is this dance, isn't there? You build a little more trust, you tell some more of the details, you revisit the trust, tell some more and then you shake that trust really hard, to see if it will hold up. When it does, there is this immense relief and momentary calm. And then the dance starts again.
I'm actually not sure if integration is his goal as much as it is mine. I think he would like there to not be a war between the age states, fighting for who is in charge. I know he warns about being careful not to confuse integration with subjugation, stuffing her and her feelings and memories back into the box from which she came. (and yes, that felt good just to write)!
Posted by Aphrodite on December 29, 2004, at 13:34:19
In reply to Coexisting Ego States, posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 0:35:33
Mind if I jump in?
I must say that the striking thing about reading how your T's handle the various ego states is their rock solid support and demeanor. My T is very much "in to" part-self analogies and work, but he tends to be more erratic. Many of my ego states don't trust him because he doesn't react predictably. He reacts to them emotionally -- sometimes becoming very sad, sometimes he argues (he can REALLY have little flares of temper!), sometimes he says he is frightened for me.
On one hand, parts of me are glad he is so invested and so easily affected. The more adult parts of me worry that he is getting too involved and then I back off, shut up the young, wounded parts in order to take care of him when he seems particularly distressed.
We tend to be caught in a vicious cycle of his expertise in pulling out the young voices, me having a meltdown, he engaging in excessive worry and intervention, and then my "adults" getting in control again and taking care of him.
He says when I voice these concerns (and I believe he is right) that none of my wounded emotional side would trust him at all if he were not "real". He said I would never feel safe talking to a rock of gibraltar.
Still, I wonder . . .
Posted by daisym on December 29, 2004, at 16:36:30
In reply to Daisy Pfinstegg, posted by Aphrodite on December 29, 2004, at 13:34:19
I think I would agree about the safety if he were just a "blank slate" because I would project all of my fears of telling onto him and read into it that way. I sort of do that anyway, even with steady reassurance.
I read an interesting article last night (early this morning?) about how the different age states can develop very different kinds of dependency and the therapist needs to be really careful to be consistent because inconsistency can cause a high degree of insecure attachment. And the insecurity shows up as a push/pull between the age states. Most of the time the younger, less dominate age states attach and then test. But sometimes there is another non-dominate age that can "punish" for feeling dependent. The article did talk a lot about a "good enough" therapist, because no one can be perfectly consistent.
Unfortunately, there was a long section warning the therapist about how taxing trauma clients can be and how aware of their personal boundaries and responses they need to be. It completely fed my fear and I finally talked myself into shutting it off, because I was getting worked up. What struck me most was how the authors tried to differentiate between gratifying a "need" vs. a "wish." They had it down to a need being biologically based and a wish being more of a pyschological issue. Then they turned around and talked about how the need for a secure attachment feels as essential as air sometimes for the client, especially when you are doing deep regressive work so the therapist has to stay flexible. URG! I guess you have to be consistently flexible?!
I think mostly we just have to put the breaks on ourselves and our need to caretake our therapist. This is so much easier said than done. But sometimes when I can forget about that part, we get so much more work done. I might feel worried later, but I don't as much as I use to.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 17:41:00
In reply to Daisy Pfinstegg, posted by Aphrodite on December 29, 2004, at 13:34:19
I can understand why you would wonder.
Not that I'm criticizing your therapist or anything, but I can see where the cycle you're talking about could be distressing. Have you discussed it with him? Does he see the same pattern?
I might *wish* my therapist were a bit more involved, but the truth is that I appreciate his steady, consistent presence, which he might not be able to maintain if he were too involved himself.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 17:45:59
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 18:30:15
Daisy, with all the stuff you have to deal with right now it's no wonder you're feeling that way.
I'm so glad you have such a terrific therapist to help you through it.
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 29, 2004, at 23:49:57
In reply to Daisy Pfinstegg, posted by Aphrodite on December 29, 2004, at 13:34:19
You've described so well why the work with ego states is so difficult to do. The therapists DO get blindsided by different states with sudden storms of unexpected feelings-anger, fear, sorrow, etc., and it takes years of experience not to react by getting angry or hurt. I once said to my T that I wished that I had found him earlier. He replied, "I might not have been experienced enough to help you then." My T also has said, in many different ways, that it's vital to be with clients emotionally- just like yours said. So they have to be open and tuned in to us, but then can't react with over-solicitiousness, anger, worry, etc.- or any feeling which might cause us to close up and start worrying about their feelings. You described it so well! Don't you think, though, that each client-therapist pair gradually get better and better at dealing with one another's feelings, so that the intensity, honesty and intimacy remains, but there is also more calmness and "containment' on the therapist's part?
Posted by daisym on December 30, 2004, at 2:17:25
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » daisym, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 17:45:59
I want to believe things get more contained. I asked today if He thought I should be doing better by now, should be able to not fall apart without so much contact. He said I'm exactly where I need to be and he has no expectations or time tables. He did say he wished I could hold things better because there were so many hours where I was suffering. I'm trying not to read into that statement too much. We also talked about the enormous amount of reassurance needed right now by "the girls." Even if the adult gets most of the session, they still want to ask at the end if he will be there tomorrow...he always says yes. (big sigh of relief.)
We talked about compassion fatigue today too. He said he isn't burnt out but it was highly likely that I would sense it before he was even close. He looked at me very seriously and asked, "do you smell anything burning?" I had to laugh.
Posted by antigua on December 30, 2004, at 13:01:56
In reply to Coexisting Ego States, posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 0:35:33
I've been fascinated by what has been posted here and I'm so proud of everyone for hanging in there through all this hard stuff.
I don't handle this as well as many of you do (I'm not being hard on myself so don't fuss at me!) My little girls came out through EMDR last year. Actually, I was working on a story of my own with a young, battered girl in it and when the little girls came out, I realized the girl in the story was me. The unconscious is a great thing, isn't it?
All the girls are in a holding pattern right now and I can't seem to get anyone to make a move. I have one very small little girl with huge eyes who watches quietly from the doorway. She's "me" and she's waiting to see how this all plays out. The second is a very angy, 9 or 10 year old girl who wants control (That's the age when my father left). She wants to be bad, she wants to live, she wants the life I was never brave enough to live. But she can't do anything w/o the body, which is represented by the third girl, the badly damaged 5/6 year old who had to deal w/the abuse. The third is just a mess on the floor. She can't move; she's pathetic really, she oozes disgust and shame. She's immovable at this time. Sometimes I think she needs to be killed off, but she controls the body. (Does any of this make sense?)
Girl #2 is the only one who has spoken directly to my T, and that has only been once, after I had a physical reaction (shaking, couldn't catch my breath) to getting close to the underlying terror that seems to encompass my life (I've never been able to get through or understand these feelings). The girl spoke to the T because I was angry that she didn't protect me when I had that accident after a flashback (none of which I remember).
So we are in a stalemate. I do not trust my T. My feelings for her after almost 14 years are that she is simply doing her job. I know this is wrong, she is a wonderful T and I have no logical reason to dislike her (I just don't want anyone to suggest getting another T). I've just found myself being so analytical w/her. We have great insights that are helping tremendously but my feelings rarely come out anymore.
She knows all this, of course. We talk about it. She says I'm moving at the rate I need to, but I'm just so frustrated.
So that's my story. Sometimes I wonder if this is as good as it's going to get, and I know I've said before that if it is, I can handle it. I can live w/this person. It's the frustration that's so hard.
thanks for letting me vent,
antigua
Posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 0:21:21
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States, posted by antigua on December 30, 2004, at 13:01:56
Antigua,
Can you talk to all your little girls? Do they talk to each other? Sometimes I feel like there is a war going on inside my head!
I know you have been doing this a long time. But you are making gains. It is just slow...forward and then back and then forward again. There is nothing wrong with working for containment. Is your frustration around not knowing? Or is it something else?
btw: I totally get what you mean by one person being in charge but the others watching and sort of waiting their turn. It seems like your feelings for your therapist and your mom are all mixed up. I know how painful it can be to feel all of that. No wonder you've shut yourself down.
I'm glad you jumped in here. I've missed you.
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 31, 2004, at 1:37:35
In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States, posted by antigua on December 30, 2004, at 13:01:56
Gosh. It seems like you've got such a clear idea of who your different ego states are, how they feel, and what they need. Would it help to have more EMDR to give them a way to speak more? My therapist asked if I would add on art therapy, so as to find ways to express the less verbal parts of my different selves. I have just started, but I like the therapist very much- we almost do play therapy together at times, drawing together, using clay, etc. It's hard to say what is occuring, but SOMETHING is. I feel a lot more open and safe in my regular therapy- I guess I should say that my younger selves are the ones that do. I just do it once every two weeks, but I do think it's making something different happen.
Just a thought - and please tell me if I'm wrong -WHO is it that doesn't trust your therapist? Just to hazard a guess, it must be one or more of your younger selves. I think it's unlikely to be the adult you, after such a long period of being with her.(and I think you are making it clear that the adult YOU DOESN'T want to leave her at all).
It is so hard to do this kind of work, with some selves competing ferociously for the therapist's attention, and other collapsed and miserable selves intent on remaining hidden. I do like my therapist's idea of using a team approach during the hardest times. I hope one of these ideas may be useful to you to help you feel like you are moving forward again.
Posted by antigua on December 31, 2004, at 7:51:15
In reply to Glacier Movement » antigua, posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 0:21:21
Good insights, thanks Daisy.
The only girl who talks to the others is the "angry" one, although I don't like to refer to her always as "angry" because I think she is the one who is going to survive, less the anger and hopefully will be the "assertive" one. This little girl is very critical of the weak one, verbally and otherwise; the weak one can't even speak at this point. Containing the angry one is important at this point (often I have to keep her locked away) because she could do a lot of damage (I think she's the one who caused the accident). She's definitely self-destructive, but very powerful--except she doesn't have the body, so she's limited.
Yes I know I have my T and mother mixed up. Up until this point my T has always been the "good mother," defending and protecting me against others when I needed it. But I don't feel that way anymore. She has limitations--her job has limitations, because after all, at the most basic this is her JOB (we argue about this). There are some objective truths--she is certainly invested in my care, but there's a limit. I guess you could say that the attachment is gone, and it makes me feel quite hopeless that if the attachment is gone w/her, I'm on my own, which I really do think should be the end result of therapy. She has taught me well, I internalize her (and I sure can help others around me by what I've learned from her), but we are stuck at a dead end, and true to her style, I'm the one to unblock it, and I can't.
I've never been angry at my mother over this--or my father. Anger for them is outside the spectrum of my feelings. Oh, I can rant and rave privately on occasion, but it does no good. I've jumped right over it--my mother did the best she could. She went from one abusive relationship to another and she did what she had to do to survive. I would never accept that for my own kids, but my mother has her limitations and I just can't hold them against her. My father? Just can't go there. I loved him very much, and as Daisy said, my father was a different man in the later years of his life. Plus, my knowledge of the abuse didn't consciously surface until afer he died, even though a part of me knew it was always there.
So I'm a mess. The urge is to do something, anything to alleviate these awful feelings. I want to tell me T to DO SOMETHING, but it has to come from me. The key is to not self destruct before I figure it out--a genuine fear I have.
antigua
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