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Re: Coexisting Ego States » Pfinstegg

Posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 18:30:15

In reply to Re: Coexisting Ego States » Daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on December 28, 2004, at 11:42:06

Today's session made me dizzy. I was leaping from age state to age state, getting everything all confused and twisted up. I ended up with a single phrase screaming in my head, "don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me." My therapist was so calm but he didn't rescue me, he just had each age state stay with it: the young girl of 7 whose mom was in the hospital for 2 months and the abuse started...the girl of 13 who was putting up with some heavy duty csa and then her dad moved away anyway, with no contact for 4 years and the adult whose husband is dying, no matter what she does. It was so, so hard to have us all crying at the same time. But I think I've been working up to this intersection of pain for weeks now. The cross over is unbelievable. It got quiet and my therapist looked at me sadly and just said, "OH, {Daisy}..."

Of course the younger girls needed reassurance that he would be there tomorrow. The adult needs to think about some of these new insights. I have no idea how to not retraumatized little daisy every day by the tension and anger in my house and another impending "leaving." My therapist said it is obviously a re-enactment for her and it explains a lot about why I am so unstable right now but he doesn't have the answer as to what "we" do about it. (I love that he says "we.")He just wants me to trust him that I can get through all of this and he won't leave me in the middle of it.

I grew very afraid today that I would disappoint him and not have the strength to deal with it all. I don't know which part of me that is coming from. Do you worry that your therapist is disappointed that your younger self doesn't trust him yet?

This is so hard. I feel just nuts, all these parts and pieces. How do you accept this? Or at least move towards acceptance. I actually sobbed out today, "make it stop. I don't want to know these things anymore." *sigh* I'm choosing to do this, right?

 

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