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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 7 to 31 of 31. Go back in thread:
Posted by AuntieMel on July 30, 2004, at 13:44:46
In reply to Re: I'm trying to be assertive, but its so hard!, posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 11:07:38
There is still yet another reason she might be doing it.
I worked at a job for several years where I had to crank out drawings, using a really bad program. Once I got the hang of it, doing it all day was really, really, REALLY boring. The only way I could amuse myself was to try to do more than the previous day, and so on.....
I was the quickest there. But then again, it wasn't just two people. There were a coupla dozen of us.
Didn't help me a bit ay layoff time.....
Posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 13:52:07
In reply to Re: I'm trying to be assertive, but its so hard!, posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 11:42:07
Okay, I'm pretty upset now. She wrote back and it was pretty much what I thought all along. I'm just at my wits end. Any advice would be appreciated.
Here's what she wrote back to my email:
alright T, here goes.
i understand why and how this upsets you. so i hope you also understand what i have to say.
T, i honestly don't think it is the difference in our working paces that makes such a difference in the quantity of our individual outputs. For example, on Monday morning when (R) said those pages needed to be done immediately, you produced four pages in something like 2 hours. And that was really great.
(OK, I don't know how to say this part without sounding rude and sh***y, but here goes.) T, i think you spend waaaaay too much time surfing the web. When you are actually working, you are no slower than me. it's ok to waste some time or screw off, but T, I sit beside you all day every day, i can tell when you are working and when you are playing--and you play ALOT. i think that this is one of the main reasons you don't get as much done.I know you think it is unfair that i do more pages, but i don't think it's fair that i should sit around with nothing to do while i wait for you to catch up.
so i will offer you this deal...
I will do only half of the next catalog, if you SEVERLY reduce your internet usage time.
I think we may find that it is not necessary for me to slow down, or even for (R) to spilt up the pages, if you spend more actual time working. This way you get what you want, and i don't have to slow down. We may even find that you are faster than me. who knows?
i hope this hasn't pissed you off too much...
Here's my response:You know, I see how much time you spend on the internet too. I know I check my email and chat sight alot, and I do know that there are times I could be working faster than I do, but I choose to take my time at the beginning. I would still get it done if given the opportunity. Just because your slow time may be after you get the pages done (if you actually only did half) doesn't mean I can't have slow time at the beginning and work faster near the end. I should be able to do it at my own pace without you doing my share of the work. I knew there was something pissing you off, and I knew you weren't telling me, and you waited a very long time to do it. If you had only been honest in the beginning, I wouldn't be as offended as I am now. But think about this, you do most of the book, you do the covers, the folio, the cards, the logos and anything else that comes along. I'm sorry but I lost my motivation long ago. If so little is expected of me, why bother. I'm just sick of it and I don't appreciate you taking it upon yourself to do my share of the work because you feel I'm on the internet too much. Why don't you just let me do my job in the time allotted, and not worry about whether I'm doing it fast enough for you. If you did your half, you would have as much free time as I take at the beginning. But instead you choose to keep doing pages, because you are mad that I'm not jumping on it right away like you are. It *is* a difference of working paces and styles. Its not your job to do my part of the work because you don't approve of how I'm doing it. If I get in trouble, its my own fault. I just don't know how to take this, but I know I've been talking with you about it for quite awhile now. Its really the same thing our problem has been all along. I always know when you're not happy about something, but you would rather stick it to me by doing my part of the work and making me look bad than talk about it with me. I'm sorry, that's all I have to say.
She hasn't read this yet, but she will see it Monday. We were both invited to a party tonight, and neither one of us knew if we were going to go. Before she left (and before I read her response) I asked her to call when she decides, and she said I could call her when I decide. I think she knew I would be upset and when I read this so she didn't want to say whether she was going or not. I'm tempted to stick my printed out response under her door. I just don't know if I could say all that to her face. Say it and make any sense anyway. I get way too nervous. I just don't know what to do.
Posted by Poet on July 30, 2004, at 14:07:55
In reply to Re: I'm kind of freaking out, posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 13:52:07
Since I write far better than I can talk face to face, I vote for letting her read the email on Monday. If you did print it out and push it under her door, she wouldn't see it until she came in on Monday, anyway. I think she'll check her email because she knows you aren't going to let this drop, and you shouldn't.
I wouldn't call her about the party, I'd just go and avoid her. Anybody there you can trust with your issues with her to guard your back from knives?
Poet
Posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 14:27:54
In reply to Re: I'm kind of freaking out » TexasChic, posted by Poet on July 30, 2004, at 14:07:55
Thank you Poet. That's probably what I'll do (go to the party and not call her) unless I just stay home and feel sorry for myself. But I'm really tired of myself right now. I guess I'm just tired. I'm so sick of not being able to make and keep friends. What is wrong with me? I don't want to be friends with her if that's all she thinks of me, but I don't want to lose my friend either. And I tell yall all the bad stuff and not the good, so you can't really see *exactly* whats going on. But there are just some things I can't take. And one of the main things is for someone to lie to me. And all the times I've asked her what was the matter and she said 'nothing', that was a lie. Why can't people just be honest. I'm just sick of everything right now.
P.S. I meant slide it under the door of her apartment.
Posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 15:13:57
In reply to Re: I'm kind of freaking out » Poet, posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 14:27:54
I was just looking on Monster.com, and guess what I saw an ad for? My job! I called my boss and she said she was just looking for someone to work part time in the fall when things pick up. The ad clearly said full time with benefits. God, I just don't know what to think anymore. I just don't trust R (my boss), and after what S said to me, it makes me wonder if maybe she discussed the problem she has with me with her! I'm just completely disillusioned and don't know what to think. All I can do is sit at my desk and cry. God sometimes you just want to give up. I mean I try so hard! I wish I could just crawl in a hole and die. (not being literal there)
Posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 15:46:47
In reply to Re: Freaking out even more!!!!, posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 15:13:57
Maybe by Monday I can tell yall this has been resolved one way or another.
Posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 7:49:33
In reply to Re: signing off for the day, posted by TexasChic on July 30, 2004, at 15:46:47
This hasn't been going well. I got to a very low place this weekend. But I'm coming out of it, and I think I can handle things now. She wouldn't discuss the problem with me all weekend. If she brings it up, I'm going to tell her I'm not going to discuss this at work. She'll probably say its a work problem, but I see it as a personal problem. But anyway, since I don't know how much my job has been jepordized, I won't be posting for a while. At least until this gets straightened out one way or another.
Posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 10:39:29
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 7:49:33
Okay, so I'm posting a little. I have a little break right now. Things went terrible this weekend. I tried to talk to my co-worker friend to no avail. She would just shake her head at anything I had to say like she had her mind made up. She said she wouldn't talk to me about it until Monday, which made me a nervous wreck all weekend. I called her, left her letters – nothing. I don't even know what she wants from me! I told her yes, I do have a problem getting motivated at the beginning of the cycle, which is why I asked to have the work split before hand so that I could ensure I was doing my fair share. She believes if I just stopped goofing off, I would get as much done as her and there would be no reason to split the pages. I eventually relented and told her what I didn't want to tell her, which is the fact that I have OCD, and it does sometimes interfere with my work. I did NOT want to admit this to ANYONE. But I did, thinking she was my friend and would understand. Apparently she didn't because I left her the letter saturday and called later in the day to ask that she at least let me know that she got it, but she wouldn't answer her phone or return my calls.
I sent my boss an email this morning saying I would like to speak with her about a problem I'm having. I'm tempted to try to explain OCD to her, and that I do compulsively open the internet all the time. That its a compulsion, like a tic or something. I don't even look at it when I open it at least 75% of the time. I open it, open my email, close it, and do it again 5 minutes later. I hate this. I don't want to admit this because I have fought so hard to overcome it and still hold down a job and be productive. So I'm kind of undecided about whether or not to tell my boss. But when I asked S if she had talked to the boss about this she wouldn't respond, which I take as a yes. That means my job has been jepordized. It also seems this is what S has been keeping from me all along, in spite of the fact that I have asked her out right what she had a problem with about my work.
I spoke with another friend about this and she said it seems as if I'm obsessed with S. Maybe I am. I did meet her just as I broke off another long term friendship, and I was lonely. So I know I did kind of latch on to her. I just don't know. Oh, and get this, she said she thought I knew all along what was bothering her and I just didn't care. This has been an ongoing battle for months! Why would I ask her over and over if I knew? Why would I want the work split up if I wanted to goof off? The boss didn't even realize what was going on until I brought it up.
I now feel that maybe how upset I was this weekend was too extreme for the situation. But it felt justified at the time. I do this all the time. I just get hurt so bad and cry unconsolably. I cried all day friday, sat, and part of sun, until I decided to get out of the house and be around people. That made me feel alot better. But I'm still right on the edge of freaking out.
Anyway, I know this is probably a incoherent mess, but I needed to get it out.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 2, 2004, at 10:54:10
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 10:39:29
((((TexasChic))) It's a difficult decision whether to share your OCD with your boss. I'm extremely fortunate in that mine has 2 out of 4 kids with ADD, so she understands medications, the ups and downs and problems people with MI face. I've been lucky. I have had my confidence bite me in the @ss before, though. Like I all of a sudden sprouted a new head and no one knows what to say about it. It's that stigma that most of the general public attaches to us, due to ignorance. And some people just don't wanna know what's going on in our heads, no matter what!
I would also have to decide whether I thought the boss had been fair in the past to me, as that would be a good indicator as to how she'd take to the announcement about OCD.
Posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 13:37:19
In reply to Re: Work Problem » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 2, 2004, at 10:54:10
You're right. I don't know what to do. I feel like my brain is all in a jumble. I can't think straight for all the anxiety and random thoughts racing around my head. I wish I could keep from getting this upset. I just want to be able to remain calm when someone does or says something negative to me. But I get all crazy emotional every time. I thought about suicide this weekend for the first time in a long time. Of course, I would never do it as long as my nephew needs me. He would never make it in this crazy family without an advocate. I felt bad because I was watching him Saturday and while he was playing I started crying. I didn't think he would pay any attention but he almost immediatly said, whats the matter? I said nothing and he said, but why are you crying? I just told him I was okay. Then later in the day he kept asking about my other ex-friend's little boy he's played with a few times, asking when he was going to see him again. That just broke my heart. I told him me and his mommy had an argument and he probably wouldn't be seeing him anymore. There was a time I felt I was the only positive influence in his life. Now I wonder if when he gets older he's going to realize how crazy I was all this time. I sometimes wonder what good I am doing him. But I couldn't bare to not be around for him.
Posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 16:11:47
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 13:37:19
God I'm so freaked. I just had a meeting with my boss and I told her everything. The OCD and the fact that it does interfere with work but if they would work with me I could control it. Now she's out talking to S and I am freaking out. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. My boss keeps saying I don't have anything to worry about job wise and she wants up to work this out. I'm still terrified though that since S seems to have her mind made up that I'm intentionally goofing off. I mean, what if she convinces my boss to believe her over me? I emphasized to my boss that I am not trying to get out of work, I'm asking to do more! I feel like I've asked for very little, and have just gotten a road block in return. Oh, and all three of us are supposed to have a meeting tomorrow to sort this all out. Not something I'm looking forward too!
Posted by JenStar on August 2, 2004, at 16:19:08
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 16:11:47
hi Texas Chic,
most employers are bound by law to help an employee overcome an illness rather than just fire them for it, as long as there are do-able workarounds that can still allow you to be a productive member of the team -- so if you have been honest with her about OCD, she should work with you to figure out what to do.Are you obsessive / compulsive about going on email & the net during the day? Is that something that prohibits you from working at the quicker rate in the beginning?
If that is the case, then I'm sure you can come up with solutions to address it. Maybe you could work on a laptop that is not linked to the web. Maybe you could set yourself intermediary time limits (1/2 page to get done by noon; another 1/2 page by 2 pm, another 1 page by 5 pm, etc.) Maybe allow yourself 5 minutes email time every time you complete 1/2 a page.
Also, this is DEFINITELY not worth getting suicidal over! I know it's very easy to SAY that, and once your emotions are involved, it's near impossible to quell the tides of anxiety and grief and sadness. But it sounds to me that you know you can do better in the work situation, and you want to. Give yourself a chance with your boss and I think it will work out for you.
Your nephew AND the rest of your family need you. And we here on the board (at least I!) enjoy your posts. :)
Smile. Things will get better. Keep us updated.
JenStar
Posted by Poet on August 2, 2004, at 17:30:38
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 2, 2004, at 16:11:47
Hi TexasChic,
Telling your boss about your OCD took a lot of courage. You explained how it affects your work, and how you can control it better with her help.
Stand your ground at the meeting and have some ideas ready on how they could help you with your OCD. Have ideas ready on what work you'd like to take on, too.
I'll send positive vibes your way tomorrow morning.
Poet
Posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2004, at 8:16:38
In reply to Re: Work Problem » TexasChic, posted by Poet on August 2, 2004, at 17:30:38
Thank yall so much. Your encouragement means alot to me as I have no other support coming in these days. I'm not actually suicidal over this, I just found myself thinking about the pros and cons of it for the first time in years, and that really shocked me. Its not really that the internet and emails interfere with my work, its that when work is not organized in such a way that I can see what needs to be done in a certain amount of time, I tend to postpone starting (by using the interent and email). I told my boss, take it off my machine, I don't care. But if the work isn't presented differently, I'll end up doing something else to put it off. We're supposed to sit down and have a meeting between the three of us today and I'm so stressed about it. I don't know what will happen, what I'll get accused of, what my reaction will be to all of it. Keep those positive vibes coming, I'm trying really hard to stay positive and strong. There's just a certain amount of guilt even though I know its an illness that I'm afraid will show and make me look guilty. I'll let yall know how it goes.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 3, 2004, at 8:33:00
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2004, at 8:16:38
Here, borrow my strength for today. And a handful of good vibes to keep it going.
Posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2004, at 13:04:10
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2004, at 8:16:38
I wrote out everything I could think of for the meeting, going over everything I thought might be brought up. I'm still really scared. I just took two .5mg of Xanax. I've never taken that much, I usually only take one. But I'm so worried about freaking out, loosing control and crying. Hopefully it won't dull my senses too much. I hate that I can't control my emotions. But I know my limits and am trying to prepare as best I can. I'm not sure I can be friends with S again. I'm so hurt, and I feel like she never really knew me at all. I also know now I will never be able to trust her. But the loss of her friendship is heartbreaking to me. I just think our personalities clash, and it may not have even come up if we didn't work together. Why is life always so freaking hard???
Posted by Atticus on August 3, 2004, at 15:06:48
In reply to Re: Work Problem » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 2, 2004, at 10:54:10
Deciding what (if anything) to say about my illness (clinical depression and an associated panic disorder) to my boss and co-workers was incredibly difficult. However, my behavior at the office prior to my hospitalization had been so erratic that I knew I was very close to losing my job. I read through the provisions of the federal Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) very carefully to see what kind of legal anti-discrimination protections I had before I went any further. I was extremely nervous about how well the meeting I set up with my supervisor -- after getting out of the hospital and into an intensive outpatient program -- would go. I had all of this literature in a folder to try to explain how my illness was due to a chemical imbalance. In the end, things worked out OK. It turns out my boss's father suffered from depression and had been hospitalized for it twice. I asked her to be very discreet about things, and so far she has. I never told her about the suicide attempt, though, as I was afraid she would find that too unnerving. It's really touch and go in work situations like this. I've had to think long and hard about whom to take into my confidence. So far it's just my boss and one co-worker. I really don't want to have to deal with having all of my behavior seen through the lens of the mental illness by everyone each day. It's not that I'm ashamed of the illness; I think that would be like being ashamed of having diabetes. I just don't want to be seen as an illness with a person attached to it. There's also the problem of people expecting me to get "better." It ain't gonna happen, I tell them. This condition is for keeps. I can manage it, control it, but I can't make it go away entirely. Still, when I do have an "off" day, so to speak, it's frustrating not to be able to explain to the people I work with just why it's happening. Thank God for this site and the people who take part in it.
Atticus
Posted by Poet on August 4, 2004, at 10:24:19
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2004, at 13:04:10
Posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2004, at 10:32:45
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2004, at 13:04:10
Well, it didn't go that great, but I think I managed to behave in a professional enough manner to keep it from being terrible. My boss ended up being extremely pissed by the time of our meeting, whether with us or someone else I don't know. But she was very harsh and threatened both of our jobs. What I had explained before about the OCD and she seemed to understand, she then just berated me for. She wouldn't let me get a whole thought out, and kept baggering me about a deadline I didn't make that was a misunderstanding as to whether she meant the beginning or end of the day. I wasn't the only one who misunderstood this, but she brought it up over and over in order to make the point that she gave me a chance and I didn't make my deadline. I tried to say my piece, but it was evident nothing I said would be considered. I eventually gave up and reminded her that I had stated from the beginning that I would do whatever she decided, I was simply asking for help with a situation. She had told me to come to her any time I have a problem with work, but I see now that I should just ignore that. I was very upset when I left, but I went straight to my T appt, and although she was kind of tough on me, I felt much better afterward. She told me to stop the relationship with S because she obviously wasn't reciprocating and would rather compete with me than be my friend. But she said to remain friendly and act like nothing is wrong, and when she asks if I'm mad about something to just do as she did and say no. I'm going to stay out of any company socializers and just stay to my self until I can get another job. And when that time comes, I will be extremely careful about my friendships with co-workers. Anyway, I'm going to stop posting from work, so it may be awhile before you hear from me. I've got to get my computer set up at home. I'm not happy, but I can see now I will get through this. Thanks for everyone's support.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 4, 2004, at 12:20:17
In reply to Re: Work Problem, posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2004, at 10:32:45
I have worked under those very circumstances. Keeping to yourself will make your life at work easier, even if it doesn't sound that way right now. And, unfortunately, there are bosses who are not good managers, and have poor people skills. It's a "keep your head down, do your work, don't worry about the other guy," tactic, and you'll be happy you did it.
((((Texaschic)))
Posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2004, at 13:06:06
In reply to Self protection » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 4, 2004, at 12:20:17
Thanks PC. I'm still trying to get it worked out in my head. I still want to jump up and down and scream, "You're not being fair!!!" But that would solve nothing. S keeps looking at me and trying to get me to go smoke, but I just continue to stay to myself. Its hard, part of me wants to make up no matter how badly she treated me. But I'm trying to keep that needy part pushed way down. I don't know if I could do it without the support I get here. Thank you so much. Now I better go before I get caught.
Posted by JenStar on August 6, 2004, at 0:19:06
In reply to Re: Self protection, posted by TexasChic on August 4, 2004, at 13:06:06
hi Texas Chic,
keep us updated! I want to hear how you are doing with S and whether things are getting better at the job.Keep going - it WILL get better. Have you posted your resume to monster.com? Any prospects for a new job?
Good luck.
J
Posted by TexasChic on August 6, 2004, at 8:25:09
In reply to Re: Self protection, posted by JenStar on August 6, 2004, at 0:19:06
Hi Jen! I'm happy to say I feel much better today. I talked with my other co-worker last night (who my boss made take notes at our meeting) and just having her confirm that the meeting was a complete farse and I never had a chance made me feel alot better. I guess I just don't trust my own judgement enough. S is being really nice to me, but she hasn't read an email I wrote her yet. It was driving me crazy because I hadn't gotten to tell her everything I was wanting to, and finally I just said, screw it, and wrote it all out. When she reads it she may want to talk. It would be cool if I could say, no, I don't think so, we're going to wait until Monday when we're calmed down (that's what she did to me that made me madder than everything else put together). But I may not have that much self control. I've decided, if a confrontation happens, I'm going to tell her that she was wrong, she jepordized my job, and ruined our friendship just because she wanted things her way and no other, and if she's not willing to accept that responsibility, then I really have no use for her. I will still be nice and chit chat, because it only makes me feel bad to keep up the silent treatment, but we will no longer be friends. And for the first time, I'm okay with that. Its like I go through a period after something bad happens, where I'm all messed up and can't think straight, but I eventually am able to get it together.
As for a job, yes I had a very promising interview that I'm really excited about. I'll let you know if I hear anything.
Thanks everyone for your support. I managed to weather another crisis with the help of babble.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 6, 2004, at 9:04:50
In reply to Re: Feeling better today, posted by TexasChic on August 6, 2004, at 8:25:09
Posted by TexasChic on August 6, 2004, at 11:32:50
In reply to I think you handled it wonderfully! (nm) » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 6, 2004, at 9:04:50
Thanks PC. I just wish I could stop the obsessive thinking whenever I have a crisis. I literally can not think of anything else! That's the part that makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I've only lately begun to realize that it could be an OCD thing. My T says once I make more friends, it won't be so all encompassing like it is now for me when a friendship goes sour. It makes sense, but its hard for me to figure out how I'm going to make more friends when I can't even keep the ones I've got! But I've got some meetup.com groups planned next week. One is bookcrossing, and one is Pagan. Maybe I'll meet some cool people there – we'll see how it goes.
This is the end of the thread.
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