Psycho-Babble Social Thread 284151

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Re: Baby Steps

Posted by geri122 on June 9, 2004, at 13:32:38

In reply to Re: Baby Steps » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 1, 2004, at 9:21:35

one thing after another. I thought i was doing great. things were looking up and then it all hit at once. My parents are on strick.... against me... not my sis just me. THey are always running for her, never for me. I barely ask them for anything, and now when do they won't even do it. I got in a huge fight with my dad, my sis, and my mom. I got in fight with Jenn.. my best friend... i feel trapped and scared. I couldn't get a hold of her.. i needed to talk and i couldn't. I did something stupid... i wanted a physical reason to cry, i wanted to make all of the emotional pain go away. What am i going to do the next time i can't get ahold of her, when i am alone? I am scare.... i am really scared!!!!

 

Re: Baby Steps » geri122

Posted by LynneDa on June 9, 2004, at 13:44:49

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 9, 2004, at 13:32:38

Geri - I'm so sorry to hear what's happening to you. Ride the waves. The good times and the bad times come & go don't they? The good ones will come back again.

Have you been able to talk to your mom about this or write her a note maybe? What brought this on? It appears that they think you need some "toughening" up or that they want to tighten the reins so you won't get out of their control. Do you know what their expectations of you are right now? Are they giving you any conditions you have to meet before their behavior will change? I know this is not the way to help you, but in their minds it is all they know to do.

Maybe you need to give them a little guidance on what you need. Sounds weird and it takes a lot of maturity to talk to your parents about this sort of thing without sounding sassy or without losing your cool.

Honey, don't cut yourself. I'm assuming that's what you mean. That can be a really addictive behavior. There has to be another outlet for you. Can you scream in a pillow or leave the house at all & just run, run, run until you feel better? Is there anyone else you feel comfortable calling when you get to this point?

Thanks for writing. Don't be scared . . . this too shall pass. Think about what you've done, think about what you need to do. Get a plan and share it with your Mom. Keep writing, I've been wondering how you've been doing!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


one thing after another. I thought i was doing great. things were looking up and then it all hit at once. My parents are on strick.... against me... not my sis just me. THey are always running for her, never for me. I barely ask them for anything, and now when do they won't even do it. I got in a huge fight with my dad, my sis, and my mom. I got in fight with Jenn.. my best friend... i feel trapped and scared. I couldn't get a hold of her.. i needed to talk and i couldn't. I did something stupid... i wanted a physical reason to cry, i wanted to make all of the emotional pain go away. What am i going to do the next time i can't get ahold of her, when i am alone? I am scare.... i am really scared!!!!

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by geri122 on June 9, 2004, at 13:58:38

In reply to Re: Baby Steps » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 9, 2004, at 13:44:49

i9 can't talk to my mom... they don't know what the hell i am feeling.. i tryed to explain to my mom she thinks its hormons. Try to explain to my dad thats real funny. he won't listen to me. I hate him soo much it makes me sick to think about it. i had to relive th pain.. now i can say this is why i hurt!

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by LynneDa on June 9, 2004, at 14:09:15

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 9, 2004, at 13:58:38

Geri - you don't need to give yourself a reason to hurt, you already have one!! I know your dad won't listen to you, but I thought you'd made some headway with your mom. Your mom's right - it is very hormone related, but that doesn't solve the problem! You obviously need relief from the hyped up state your hormones put you in. I can totally relate cuz I am on the other end of the hormonal thing and it is no picnic!

Can you write anything down and give it to your mom - being really specific and factual, taking all the feeling words out of it. Like, coming out and asking her what you're doing to cause their behavior & what they expect of you in order for them to change? It's almost like making a contract. If I do this behavior (or don't do a certain behavior), then I get that from you.

I know you're not in any state of mind to think abut any of this right now since it is fresh and you are upset. Really think about what you can and can't abide in their behavior toward you and ask them to do the same about you.

I hope you can write your mom a note. I hope you don't hurt yourself anymore, it's just not worth it sweetie!

Please hang in there and know that in a few years all of this part of your life will be over and you will be on your own, able to make your own decisions and decide what will or will not control you.

Hang in there, I wish I could intercede on your behalf with your parents. I wish there was a teacher or counselor who could too!

Keep writing if it makes you feel better. Maybe try your friend back again. Friends are usually pretty forgiving when there's a new crisis brewing!

{{{{{Geri}}}}}
~ Lynne

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i9 can't talk to my mom... they don't know what the hell i am feeling.. i tryed to explain to my mom she thinks its hormons. Try to explain to my dad thats real funny. he won't listen to me. I hate him soo much it makes me sick to think about it. i had to relive th pain.. now i can say this is why i hurt!

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by sfmom on June 9, 2004, at 16:00:59

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by LynneDa on June 9, 2004, at 14:09:15

Oh Geri, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this! It just sucks that you and your parents can't communicate more effectively. But please keep in mind that it is a communication error, not a lack of love, and it can be improved.

Have you been able to reach your friend? Would you have been able to not cut yourself if you had been able to reach her? If so, maybe you can work out a system with her that you'll be able to reach her in an emergency. Would it help if you could call me instead of cutting yourself? Just let me know and I'll e-mail my cell phone number. I have it with me almost all the time.

I know that it doesn't seem like it now, but Lynne's right, in a few years or even less this will all be a bad memory. You will come through this!!! Don't lose perspective! But I know how much it sucks while you're in it.

As for your mom. Okay, she thinks it's hormones, which is definitly a part of it. So maybe she'll be open to you talking to a gynacologist about these "homonal problems" and then the doctor could deal with your parents if she decides that medication would help you. Just an idea because I know you were worried about your parents finding out if you went to a doctor or were put on medication. I have to tell you though, the medication made a world of difference for me.

Please keep us posted. And please don't hurt yourself. I promise that it won't help you.

Love, Lyssa

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by tterees on June 9, 2004, at 21:53:54

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 9, 2004, at 13:58:38

Oh Geri honey,

Your message is listed under a heading called "baby steps". 10 years ago, when I first started therapy, I thought "baby steps" was something my therapist had thought up all by himself. And I thought "I can do this". One step, one day, one thought at a time. Obviously you have heard this, and obviously you have done some baby stepping -- you are still here!

Oh honey, please don't hurt yourself. If you can't talk to your mom or dad, write it down. Imagine what you would want them to say, what you would want them to do. And then take that dream and if you can, do it yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself. Becoming a woman, becoming an adult is hard, but wonderful. Please believe me.

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 11:08:43

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by tterees on June 9, 2004, at 21:53:54

I have a problem... this time it is not with my family.. but guy issues. You know a simple everyday teenage girl thing.
For the past 6 months or so i have been talking to this guy. We are just friends but we care about each other deeply. He graduated this year and will be going off to school in August.... far from here. He asked me out and i told him no. I don't know why. I know that at anytime i change my mind we would be together but i don't know what is stopping me. Is it the college thing... the fact that i care about him so much i don't want to get hurt or hurt him... or is it the fact that he is not white. I mean im not racist, far from it. I have acually had relations with those of another color. but some did not like that. My parents... those in the community. They don't appreciate it. which is understandable but why am i allowing that to make my decisions. I don't know... but the problem is he broke up with his girl for me and i won't even give him a chance. He is lonley and needs someone. His grandfather just died and he needs me more then anything and i can;t be there for him. I don't know what to do. i feel hurt because i am hurting him. i can't deal with that because i don't want to trigger another break down!

 

Re: Baby Steps » geri122

Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 11:30:41

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 11:08:43

Hi sweetie, it's good to hear from you! You do have a dilemna. My first reaction was - you're right, don't get involved, he's leaving in a couple of months and the separation will hurt, plus all the complications of a long distance relationship, etc. It would be hard for me to just "be friends" for a couple of months or to keep it casual enough that it wouldn't hurt when he left.

You are such a nurturing, kind person who wants to do the right thing and that's commendable :-). Hurting others is never easy. But, you have to look longer-term and decide what is best. The easy thing to do right now is to give in and have a relationship with him. The hard thing is to say no because of any pain you might feel in the future, after he leaves.

Or, the other alternative is that maybe you two can handle a long-distance relationship and it might work out okay. It's something the 2 of you should discuss.

The race thing is hard and it's completely understandable that it would play into your decision. It's a real consideration in our culture, no matter how un-prejudiced you are personally. There are consequences of ostracization and negative comments for inter-racial couples unfortunately. I think SFMom would have something to say on this matter that would be more informed than my thoughts, though. I hope she responds!

Yes, you have been in a weakened emotional state in the past year and yes you may get yourself in a way emotionally that you could lose it over this. But, maybe this situation was given to you to prove how strong you can be. That you will work through the issues one way or another and be okay with your decision because you know whatever you decide is the best thing for the both of you.

I hope this helps somewhat! Let us know what you decide.
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by sfmom on June 25, 2004, at 12:40:00

In reply to Re: Baby Steps » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 11:30:41

Geri, I'm so glad to hear from you--I've missed you. In spite of the difficult situation you're in, I am really glad that you have found someone that you trust and feel comfortable with. I hope you will remain friends with this guy even if a romantic relationship doesn't work out.

But you are in a tough situation. I completely understand not wanting to put your heart on the line and risk getting hurt or left behind. I also really admire your self control, it's never been a strong suit of mine!

As far as the race issue, I know there are still a lot of people who are uncomfortable with interracial relationships. I'm white and my husband is black (and our daughter is light brown). And even in a big city like San Francisco we've encountered stupid people. It's a decision you have to make for yourself but I'd ask you to keep in mind that the reason that most people are uncomfortable is that it's not something they are used to seeing around them. So, the more examples of normal people in normal relationships that just happen to be of different races (or same sex, etc.) that people are exposed to, the more people will realize that it's just not a big deal and that we're all human and that any time people come together in love and friendship, it's a good thing. So, that's my little spiel on the subject. But like I said, it's a personal decision.

I guess your situation pretty much boils down to whether a couple of months of happiness with this guy will be worth the pain of having him leave for college in the fall. It might and it might not be worth it and you also have to decide if you think you would be able to handle it if you fall in love and he still leaves. If something like that would put you over the edge, then it might not be worth it to take the chance. BUT, if we don’t risk hurt, how would we ever fall in love and get all the wonderful things that come with it? The circumstances may differ, but this will be a decision you will be confronted with your whole life.

Whatever you decide to do, we’ll support you 100%. Please let us know a little more about this guy too! Write again soon!

Lyssa (about to no longer be SF mom because we bought a house and are moving to the suburbs! What should I change my screen name to?)

 

Re: Baby Steps » sfmom

Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 12:53:57

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by sfmom on June 25, 2004, at 12:40:00

Hi Lyssa - I knew you'd have some good advice!! I'm glad to hear you're moving, it seems like it was something you'd been looking into for some time. Why not just use your daughter's name? You'll always be her mom wherever you live :-).
Take care!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:24:24

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by sfmom on June 25, 2004, at 12:40:00

thanks i shall take all of the comments into consideration. Concerning the racial aspect... i go to a school were the majority are black.. we see it everyday. In my school it's not really the color thing it is the who thing. You see, i'm a cheerleader... they don't expect me to date out of my color. I can be friends with them and i do do that... but the last time it didn't go well. I know that i should not care about what people have to saw, but i have to live with it everyday... he will escape while he is in school but then what might happen down there??

 

Re: Baby Steps » geri122

Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:39:19

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:24:24

Geri - I know you'll make the right choice. You are a strong person and I know you'll be able to handle the outcome of whatever you decide to do!

I think a lot of it is going to depend on how strong your feelings are for the guy. Weigh the pros and cons and then follow your gut. Be kind, gentle and loving, but do not take complete responsibility for his feelings if your answer is no. If you decide yes, go for it with all your heart & don't look back!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

thanks i shall take all of the comments into consideration. Concerning the racial aspect... i go to a school were the majority are black.. we see it everyday. In my school it's not really the color thing it is the who thing. You see, i'm a cheerleader... they don't expect me to date out of my color. I can be friends with them and i do do that... but the last time it didn't go well. I know that i should not care about what people have to saw, but i have to live with it everyday... he will escape while he is in school but then what might happen down there??

 

Re: Baby Steps

Posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:50:54

In reply to Re: Baby Steps » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:39:19

thanks... guess it looks like i have to really think about it. Means a lot to know someone cares.. thanks

 

Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) (nm) » geri122

Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:55:09

In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:50:54

 

Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-)

Posted by geri122 on June 28, 2004, at 19:08:11

In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) (nm) » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:55:09

i'm sitting here right now fighting the urge to cut myself. If anyone is on... what do i do?

 

Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) » geri122

Posted by fallsfall on June 28, 2004, at 19:42:19

In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-), posted by geri122 on June 28, 2004, at 19:08:11

Geri?

Are you there? Do you want to come to Open to talk? There is a link at the bottom of the page that will take you to our chat room.

I hope you are holding on. I'm so glad you are asking for help.

Falls.

 

Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-)

Posted by sfmom on June 28, 2004, at 20:24:53

In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-), posted by geri122 on June 28, 2004, at 19:08:11

Geri, are you still there? Did you get in touch with Falls? I'm leaving work right now and will check in as soon as I get home. Hang in there. We are all supporting you and sending you love and strength!

 

Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) » fallsfall

Posted by sfmom on June 28, 2004, at 23:24:07

In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) » geri122, posted by fallsfall on June 28, 2004, at 19:42:19

Hi Geri. Just wanted to see if you're on. It's almost 9:30 in California. I'll check in again before I go to bed. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. If you want to talk online or if you want to call me, I'm here for you. I'll check in again later.

Love, Lyssa

P.S. to Fallsfall: I didn't see a link to "Open" on my screen so I don't know if Geri was able to see it. Can you tell us how to get there? Thanks.

 

What should she do if she wants to cut?

Posted by fallsfall on June 29, 2004, at 7:44:03

In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) » fallsfall, posted by sfmom on June 28, 2004, at 23:24:07

Geri - how are you doing? If you can put something in your subject line (like "Help!" or like the subject I put in this post), then Babblers who haven't been following this particular thread will read it, too. Please let us know how you are doing.

But, as always, IF YOU ARE IN DANGER, PLEASE find real-live-local help: Talk to your mom or your friend or call a crisis hotline listed in your phonebook or call your therapist (do you have a therapist yet, Geri?) or call a hospital emergency room or call 911.

I started a thread on the Babble Administration board asking for someone to write or find a How-To for Open. Click on this link to see if we've made progress yet: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040527/msgs/361585.html

The short answer is that in the section (at the top and bottom of the lists of posts) that has links to all of the different Babble boards, there is a link called "Psycho-Babble Open". This brings you to a Yahoo! Chat Group where Babblers sometimes hang out and chat. The most active times seem to be 10PM EDT -> whenever people go to sleep (though you can often find one or two people there from 7 or 8PM EDT on). Sometimes there are only a couple of people, sometimes there are 10-12. At other times during the day there may or may not be people in Open.

If a Babbler is having a crisis, those of us who frequent Open can often find others who are online to help. If noone is there and you need help, you can start a new thread on the social board with a subject like "I need help - can someone come to Open?". I once asked a small group of people to meet me in Open in the middle of the day when I was having a crisis - they were wonderful and helped me through my crisis.

Realtime support can be really valuable.

Falls.

My hotmail account is Babble Fallsfall.

 

Re: What should she do if she wants to cut? » fallsfall

Posted by LynneDa on June 29, 2004, at 9:14:18

In reply to What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by fallsfall on June 29, 2004, at 7:44:03

Geri - Please let us know if you are okay!! I don't get my email at home so didn't see your note. You're going to get through this. Is it about your decision with the guy? Pressure does build up, but you can find other ways to release it sweetie. Please email one of us or call me: 1-800-222-8215 x9507.
~ Lynne

 

Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?

Posted by sfmom on June 29, 2004, at 10:57:32

In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut? » fallsfall, posted by LynneDa on June 29, 2004, at 9:14:18

Hi Geri. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here and will check in throughout the day. It would be cool to try that "open" talk room. I've never done that before, although with my dial-up modem it may take a while to have a conversation!

 

re: Open » sfmom

Posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2004, at 11:13:12

In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by sfmom on June 29, 2004, at 10:57:32

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I chat pretty easily with a dial up connection. The only difference I notice is when yahoo boots me (and if you chat, you WILL get booted unfortunatetly...toss some salt over your shoulder, spit, and curse the yahoo gods...) it takes me longer to get back in than the DSL people. But it's not too bad.

gg

 

Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?

Posted by Mrs. C on June 29, 2004, at 23:42:54

In reply to What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by fallsfall on June 29, 2004, at 7:44:03

What a great idea. I don't follow your thread but your title got me to read. I hope that everything is okay with everyone and I will be praying for us all. Mrs. C

 

Geri?

Posted by fallsfall on July 1, 2004, at 8:40:20

In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by Mrs. C on June 29, 2004, at 23:42:54

How are you doing? Are you still feeling like you want to cut? I'm so glad that you posted here the other day looking for help.

It sounds weird, but one of the best things to try when you want to SI (Self-injure) is distraction. I have found (with myself) that the intense urges sort of come and go. If I can keep from SIing during the most intense times, those times can pass and get me to more managable times. Also, sometimes the distraction reminds me of some part of life that is more positive for me.

So, how do you distract yourself? There are many, many ways! You can choose whatever way works for you. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Watch a movie (for me it needs to be a movie I haven't seen)
2. Read (anything, novels are good, or I read Psychology non-fiction (I think it makes me think that I'm doing something "constructive" towards solving my problems, even when I'm simply reading the words one at a time and not comprehending anything that is being said), it doesn't matter what you choose as long as it engages your mind a little
3. Talk to a friend. Sometimes it helps to talk about what is bothering you. Other times it is better NOT to talk about it - your friend can help you think of other things
4. Read Babble
5. Play computer games (There are a variety of different games that I play, some require thought and some are completely mechanical. Different games work better on different days)
6. Try to help someone else (no, I'm not wanting to SI right now, but I *am* avoiding thinking about something that is distressing to me) - worry about *their* problems instead of your own
7. Exercise (I find that walking the dogs gives me too much time to think and that is a bad thing. My walkman with a book on tape works here, though). Exercise raises the endorphins (happy things) in your brain.

It can also help to "soothe" yourself, people also call this "taking care of" yourself. There is a whole book on this subject (which I heartily recommend): "The Woman's Comfort Book". Soothing is very individual, here are some of the things that I use and that seem popular with others I have talked to:

8. Eat ice cream (some people eat Cream of Wheat!?!). Add hot fudge during particularly bad times.
9. Swing on swings (the kind in the park with the very long chains are the best, or one with ropes hanging from a tree)
10. Color with crayons (they smell wonderful - buy a new box for the hardest times, there is something magical about the smell of crayons). Either draw a picture (no one has to ever see it, it doesn't have to be "good" - it is just for you), or color in a coloring book (my daughter gave me a big one with Teddy Bear pictures), or I like to draw random geometric shapes of all different colors (even though the shapes are random it helps me to feel like there is some order in the world, that I have some *control* over the chaos. Playing with Legos (or similar freeform construction toys) help me the same way).
11. Blow bubbles, if you do this with a child or a dog then it counts as distraction, too.
12. Play solitaire with real cards (i.e. not on the computer - shuffling cards is soothing to me) - find an easy game that you can actually win. I play a game where I flip the cards 3 at a time, when I have no more moves, then I flip them 1 at a time, when I still have no moves, if there is an empty space, I can take a card that is face down in one of the piles and put it in that space. I call this "legal cheating" - basically I have created my own version of the game that I can win almost 100% of the time, but I also have hands where I do "really well". The regular 7 pile solitaire (is it canfield?) is too hard to win to be "soothing" for me.
13. Lot of people like warm baths, often with candles around (others find baths boring, or that they provide too much time to think)
14. Music - some like it loud, some like it hypnotizing, some like words, others like instrumentals, some like to listen, others like to play the music or sing along. I choose different music depending on my mood.

Other things that may help:
15. Journal. Sometimes this lets me "stick" my feelings on the paper, so they don't have to stay in my head. Sometimes I want to show the journalling to other people, sometimes it is just for me. There are times when journalling can make things worse - at those times the more you think about the thing that is bothering you the more upset you get (so don't journal if it is making you more upset).
16. Put a rubber band around your wrist and "snap" the rubber band onto your wrist - causes a sting, but no lasting damage.
17. Hold an ice cube on your body where you want to cut - again, it produces a smaller amount of "safe" pain (!?)
18. If you are very tired, take a nap (but don't lie down if that will just give you an easier place to ruminate).

Geri,
Comforting and distracting yourself are very individual things. These are some things that work for me, or that I've seen have worked for other people. The idea is that you are supposed to feel (a little) better while you are doing these things and afterwards. You'll have to experiment and see what works best for you. I hope that you don't get to this point, but there have been days when my entire day has been occupied by distracting or soothing myself - and that is OK if that is what you need to do.

These things get you through the immediate crisis, but you also really need to do something that will *solve* the problem (as much as it can be solved...). That is where therapy comes in. My 16 year old daughter started therapy on Tuesday - she really didn't want to go. It seemed to go OK (I was in the waiting room, of course), and I'm hoping that it will help her to be happier.

Let us know how you are doing!

 

Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?

Posted by geri122 on July 1, 2004, at 12:54:28

In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by Mrs. C on June 29, 2004, at 23:42:54

fortunatly i got through the urges. I walked around and thought about life. the reason for my urge was because my parents were fighting... and i have to say goodbye to the only real trustworthy friend for a month. We are both going away and we won't see each other for a month. It hurts so bad because i don't feel like i really have anyone. I wanted to cut to make my emotional pain feel less... Needless to say.. i am ok at this point. i am cut free. I just needed to post to get out Thanks for the response


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