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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Noa on May 26, 2004, at 8:36:00
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
Dear Ilene,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
Treat yourself--take yourself out for espresso for the next few weeks!!!
Noa
PS--sometimes life feels mundane, and some days are just blah. It's on those days when I tell myself to suspend any judgment about the quality of my life until I don't feel so blah.
Happy "Being Born and Staying Alive" Day, Ilene! I am sure it is cause for celebration for many people in your life (including us folks here).
Posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 9:10:40
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
> This has gotten to be a boring diary, I think.
>
> I didn't feel so perky today. Noticed the anxiety in the afternoon before I took my second Klonopin. Feeling a little more depressed; thinking about my 50th birthday tomorrow. It just seems there is no upside to getting older. I looked around at all the older women in the grocery store today, and most of them were fat and ugly, and some of them were slow and frail. None of them were attractive. Maybe it's important to me to feel attractive because I feel like so much of my life was knocked out by depression.
>
> I also brood about my marriage. I keep thinking I should never have married my husband. It's a little late to be concerned about it now--we've been married for 19 years. I never enjoyed our sex life, for one thing.
>
> Oh, what excitement--locked myself and my daughter out of the car. Played with a cicada while we waited. Got stuck in traffic on the way home. Didn't make dinner.
>
> Also took my espresso machine in to be repaired. It might be gone for 3 whole weeks. What'll I do?
Happy Birthday IleneI hope you can find some joy in your birthday. I can so relate to your feeings. I feel the same. Life has passed me by because of this depression. So many years wasted and still suffering and getting older.
Hugs
Angel GirlBTW - Try to do something nice for yourself.
Posted by Ilene on May 26, 2004, at 20:52:53
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
Yes! Today is my birthday! Keep those cards and letters coming. Send pictures of foxy 50-yr-olds, who also look like me.
Going out for espresso. What a concept. I'd have to get dressed.
My daughter made me a pie. Guess what we had for dinner? The kitchen is still purple (it was a berry pie). I can't see cleaning the kitchen on my birthday, but I don't see her royal highness getting up and doing it, either.
And my husband invited one of my daughter's friends over for pie. My husband isn't even living in the same state, fer gosh sakes.
I noticed a real slump today at around 3 PM, when I usually take my 2nd Klonopin and 1/2 Cytomel. I need to keep that in mind.
Didn't do anything special for my birthday, except eat impolite quantities of pie. Got a call from my oldest friend.
Have almost taken care of the little problem w/ my daughter's 8th grade math. Had to call the high school principal. The whole thing causes confusion.
Posted by fallsfall on May 27, 2004, at 7:15:45
In reply to Dear diary May 26, posted by Ilene on May 26, 2004, at 20:52:53
Ilene,
Happy birthday. I'm a day late, but maybe this way you can celebrate a little longer.
I know what you mean about not wanting to clean the kitchen on your birthday, and I didn't know that MY Royal Highness had a twin. So did *you* give birth to twins and give one to me, or did *I* give birth to twins and give one to you????? Should I be concerned that I don't know the answer to that question? 8^)
My sister's 50th birthday was on May 20. She's pretty attractive - has a really nice figure, and a new (serious) boyfriend. She has gone back to graduate school (Seminary!) and is beginning a new and exciting phase of her life. She is also Bi-polar, has been in therapy for 7 or 8 years (?), and depressed so badly that she has been disabled from work on more than one occasion. I think she's doing pretty well. (I'll send you her picture if you send me your email address - I'm babble fallsfall - a hotmail address)
You are making a lot of progress, Ilene. If you compare your first journal entries with your current ones it will be obvious how you are making progress. Keep at it!
P.S. So why am I feeling guilty that I haven't cleaned out my freezer yet...?
Posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 20:58:07
In reply to A significant milestone! » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on May 27, 2004, at 7:15:45
> Ilene,
>
> Happy birthday. I'm a day late, but maybe this way you can celebrate a little longer.
>
> I know what you mean about not wanting to clean the kitchen on your birthday, and I didn't know that MY Royal Highness had a twin. So did *you* give birth to twins and give one to me, or did *I* give birth to twins and give one to you????? Should I be concerned that I don't know the answer to that question? 8^)
>There was a frozen embryo somewhere.
This one is *much improved*. She's not the girl she was a few years ago. Which is not to say she's responsible, even-tempered, or acknowledges that she's not right all the time. (However....Mom is always right, and knows everything. These assertions are met with gales of laughter.)
She actually got the kitchen sort of clean. There's even some pie left. In fact, I think I'll get a slice.
I'll get another slice.
Ahhh. Pie.
HRH can make a pie like nobody's business.
> My sister's 50th birthday was on May 20. She's pretty attractive - has a really nice figure, and a new (serious) boyfriend. She has gone back to graduate school (Seminary!) and is beginning a new and exciting phase of her life. She is also Bi-polar, has been in therapy for 7 or 8 years (?), and depressed so badly that she has been disabled from work on more than one occasion. I think she's doing pretty well. (I'll send you her picture if you send me your email address - I'm babble fallsfall - a hotmail address)
>
> You are making a lot of progress, Ilene. If you compare your first journal entries with your current ones it will be obvious how you are making progress. Keep at it!
>I know. I've read some of my early entries. Part of my difficulty is fear of falling, part of it is residual anxiety and depression. I have a hard time being satisfied with my life. Not only do I want to do more, I want to have done more.
> P.S. So why am I feeling guilty that I haven't cleaned out my freezer yet...?
Freezers need to be cleaned out, you don't actually want to do it, and it's in your nature to feel guilty about it.
Posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 21:17:48
In reply to Dear diary May 26, posted by Ilene on May 26, 2004, at 20:52:53
I'm 50 now. I already wear sensible shoes (reluctantly). Soon I'll have to take up bingo and dine at 5 PM.
Went back to sleep this morning--sleep is still a problem. Finally got up and went to get blood drawn for a thyroid test. Took me an hour and a half for the round trip, and 10 min. in the office.
Farted around at home for a while, then took my son to his pdoc appt. Charged me for the appt. my husband forgot to cancel. $160. I want my husband to be more responsible in his personal life. It's like the cream gets skimmed off into his work life.
And he gave me such a hard time about wanting to write the appt. on the calendar. He keeps everything in his Palm.
My daughter paid me money she owes because she wants me to spend $110 on a cap and gown for her graduation, and a yearbook. I have no problem with the cap and gown, but I have no need for a high school yearbook. I agreed to drive her to school tomorrow morning if she cleaned the kitchen. She got the kitchen clean--barely.
I want to be normal. I want to have been normal. I want to have made a normal person's decisions. I don't want to have lived in an indecisive haze for years.
I need to review how to use the camera so I can take pix of my daughter and her BF when they go to the prom.
BF was born in Russia and has dual citizenship. They used to go to Russia to visit family, but "Ivan" can't go now, because he could get drafted and sent to Chechnya. Maybe soon he'll decide the risk of being sent to Chechnya is less than the threat of being sent to Iraq. He'll be going to college at the supergeek school--Harvey Mudd.
I need to take my 2nd Klonopin and Cytomel early enough in the afternoon that I don't fall into a slump. Now I am really starting to feel the difference. I'm not sure if it's just the Klonopin or the combination of the two.
I want to be normal.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 21:56:14
In reply to Dear diary May 27, posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 21:17:48
Ilene
I want to be normal too. Right now I feel so depressed I don't see it ever happening. :(
I hope it works for you someday. Then you can tell me what it feels like because I'm never going to be normal again.
I miss my old life. What did I ever do to deserve this HELL!!! <cries>
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 10:56:06
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 27 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 21:56:14
> Ilene
>
> I want to be normal too. Right now I feel so depressed I don't see it ever happening. :(
>
> I hope it works for you someday. Then you can tell me what it feels like because I'm never going to be normal again.
>
> I miss my old life. What did I ever do to deserve this HELL!!! <cries>
>
> Angel GirlI don't know what "normal" feels like, either. I know that part of it is thinking about what you are doing, and not about how you are feeling (e.g. depressed or anxious).
I'm feeling more optimistic these days because my meds are working better. I swing from thinking I can tweak them enough to enjoy life the majority of the time, to thinking they are going to poop out and I will be back to near-constant suicidal ideation.
I remember that there was a time when some of my issues didn't bother me as much. They tended to crop up when I was depressed. I was younger, so I didn't have the thoughts of growing old and having lived a void instead of a life.
No one did anything to deserve mental illness. In my case it runs in the family.
The only advice I can give you is to keep trying new meds.
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 20:59:00
In reply to Dear diary May 27, posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 21:17:48
I've been tired all day. Went to bed late. Looked up old BF on web last night. Major case of unrequited love. Still got the hots for him, and it's been over 20 years. Sick, I know.
Gave daughter $$ for cap and gown and dropped her at school for graduation rehearsal. Tomorrow is prom; I've been instructed to take lots of pictures, which means I have to remember how to use the cameras (regular and digital). She's got a great dress in beautiful shades of aqua--just the thing for a blazing redhead with green eyes.
Puttered around the basement and collected more stuff to take to Value Village. I should just hold a tag sale in my living room.
Went to the cheap gas station where there's never enough room at the pumps, and people honk at you, and got honked at, but the gas was under $2/gallon.
Too tired to get an early start on dinner, but we ate before 9PM and no one complained too much.
Yawn.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 29, 2004, at 1:41:24
In reply to Dear diary May 28, posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 20:59:00
Ilene,
The dress does sound wonderful (of course I'm a less blazing redhead with blue/green eyes, so of course I would say that.)Congrats to your daughter, and to YOU for her graduating. You must be so proud.
I think everyone has an unrequited love; mine's from 20 years ago, too. I still occasinally wonder how my life would be different if things had worked out with him, but I also think my hubbie is the one for me. But curiousity is fine. It's what you do with the knowledge you gain that can be more dangerous.
You know I didn't buy gas on May 19, the supposed gas boycott day. Of course the next day gas had jumped almost 30 cents per gallon! ARGH! I hate playing gas roulette. What day? What time of day? What station? At what point do I use too much gas trying to figure this out? AAAGH! How about universal gas prices, posted each day in the paper?
Take care,
gg
Posted by crushedout on May 29, 2004, at 20:11:12
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
Posted by Ilene on May 29, 2004, at 22:30:13
In reply to Dear diary May 28, posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 20:59:00
I got lots of sleep last night, so I wasn't tired all day. But I didn't eat so good--lots of junque (a higher class of food than junk).
Had to re-learn how to use the digital camera to take pictures of my daughter in her prom dress. Had enough sense to charge up some batteries in the early afternoon, but the charger didn't work so well. Is it reasonable to be mad at someone because he set the battery charger next to a window, and it gets dusty and then doesn't work so well? Probably not. But I was anyway.
Mad at my son, too, for not cleaning the bathroom. Again, probably not very reasonable, but I want the bathroom clean, and if I have to monitor him I might as well do it myself. He responds to neither carrot nor stick unless they are direct and immediate.
Thinking about having been an unpopular kid, and how I still want the popular kids to want to be my friend. Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 13:43:15
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 28, posted by gardenergirl on May 29, 2004, at 1:41:24
> Ilene,
> The dress does sound wonderful (of course I'm a less blazing redhead with blue/green eyes, so of course I would say that.)
>
> Congrats to your daughter, and to YOU for her graduating. You must be so proud.
>
I thought I replied with my thoughts on this, but now I can't find it. Maybe I didn't post it?I seem to lack the gene for pride in events like this, but now I'm getting into it--just as a celebration. I was (still am) so self-conscious, and such a perfectionist, that nothing shy of the complete adoration of all my teachers would ever satisfy me.
I never even considered going to the prom when I was in high school. I don't think anyone I knew did. We were all countercultural hippies. I didn't even go to graduation. I still don't like massive ceremonies.
I took some pictures of my daughter. She doesn't like them. At first I didn't like them either, because she's sort of pale and dumpy. Not "sort of"--she's a little chub. But I sent one to her dad, and he replied with, "She's beautiful", and now I'm starting to see her that way too.
She said she had a great time at the prom and the afterprom.
> I think everyone has an unrequited love; mine's from 20 years ago, too. I still occasinally wonder how my life would be different if things had worked out with him, but I also think my hubbie is the one for me. But curiousity is fine. It's what you do with the knowledge you gain that can be more dangerous.
>This is a pretty serious case. Not only was he the sexiest man on earth, and the best in bed, but he was a whole slew of things I'm not, and still want to be. It was the deepest rejection I ever experienced. I wish I could figure out how to make it go away, accept myself for what I am, and accept my life for what it's been.
> You know I didn't buy gas on May 19, the supposed gas boycott day. Of course the next day gas had jumped almost 30 cents per gallon! ARGH! I hate playing gas roulette. What day? What time of day? What station? At what point do I use too much gas trying to figure this out? AAAGH! How about universal gas prices, posted each day in the paper?
>I don't know anything about gas boycott day.
I.
Posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 14:08:35
In reply to Dear diary May 29, posted by Ilene on May 29, 2004, at 22:30:13
> Was anyone here a Popular Kid?I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 14:48:11
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 29, posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 14:08:35
>
> > Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
>
> I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.What was it like?
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 15:49:28
In reply to Dear diary May 29, posted by Ilene on May 29, 2004, at 22:30:13
Today is actually May 31, but I had kind of a physical melt-down yesterday and didn't have the energy to post. At least I got to bed at a reasonable time.
I figured my daughter wouldn't be very conscious in the morning, it being the morning after her senior prom, so my son and I snuck out to get her a birthday present (and graduation present, and father's day present). Our favorite place to get presents is the Daedalus Book Warehouse
http://www.daedalusbooks.com/Main/Help/WareHouseOutlet.asp
because we are book junkies.I don't give my son his entire allowance; it's the only way I can get him to not spend it all on junk food. This way he has enough to spend on special things for himself and presents for other people.
We took one of our neighbors with us. He doesn't have a lot of friends in the neighborhood because he's a little nutty--he went ballistic about barking dogs a couple of years ago, which alienated a lot of folks--and I suspect he's had some other public eccentricities that pre-date my arrival. But unlike some other people around here he's smart and has some interesting things to talk about. Anyway, he was curious about the place.
We got books for everyone, and I got a couple for myself. I started reading one called "Warrior Women", which is Archaeology Lite. A good thing it's not demanding, because I got very hungry in the store, and was overwhelmed with dizziness and exhaustion soon after we got home, which lasted the rest of the day. I tried to do some laundry but just wasn't up to it.
Feeling sick brought up all the distress and anxiety I have about my physical and emotional disabilities, but at least the book was a distraction, sort of--the author got her undergraduate degree at age 49 and then went on to become an archaeologist, which can be physically demanding. I've had a life-long interest in archaeology and even went to a field school when I was a teenager, but reading about the field conditions in central Asia made me feel my lack of strength and stamina all the more. I know on one level that my ailments are *not my fault* but I feel like I should be able to overcome them anyway. (This is why I hate "inspirational" stories.)
I feel like I've hit a wall, meds wise. I know I'm way improved over where I was a couple of months ago, but now the improvement is over, and I feel I'm backsliding. I'm getting frightened. Is this all there is?
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 17:13:17
In reply to A normal life, posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 10:56:06
I was younger, so I didn't have the thoughts of growing old and having lived a void instead of a life.
>
IleneThat's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
AG
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 18:26:45
In reply to Re: A normal life » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 17:13:17
> That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
>
> AG
>
>
Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?I.
Posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 19:32:45
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 29 » crushedout, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 14:48:11
> > > Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
> >
> > I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.
>
> What was it like?It's real hard to remember, but I think it felt kind of powerful. Other times I have a feeling I just felt insecure like everyone does at that age. You never feel quite good enough. But it was cool knowing that everyone else in the class wished they were as cool as me and my best friend. (That's what being popular is: when everybody else thinks you're the coolest. Isn't it?)
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:03:26
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 29 » Ilene, posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 19:32:45
> > > > Was anyone here a Popular Kid?
> > >
> > > I was for one year (8th grade). But mostly not.
> >
> > What was it like?
>
> It's real hard to remember, but I think it felt kind of powerful. Other times I have a feeling I just felt insecure like everyone does at that age. You never feel quite good enough. But it was cool knowing that everyone else in the class wished they were as cool as me and my best friend. (That's what being popular is: when everybody else thinks you're the coolest. Isn't it?)
>
>
It's especially when the cool kids think you're a cool kid, and want to talk to you and be around you. You're neither invisible nor teased.
Posted by crushedout on May 31, 2004, at 20:10:42
In reply to Popular kid, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:03:26
yeah that's what happened to me. i think it was kind of nice.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:12:39
In reply to Dear diary May 30, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 15:49:28
> I feel like I've hit a wall, meds wise. I know I'm way improved over where I was a couple of months ago, but now the improvement is over, and I feel I'm backsliding. I'm getting frightened. Is this all there is?
IleneI too, find that my improvement has stopped and that I'm backsliding. I sure hope this isn't all there is.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:13:57
In reply to Re: A normal life, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 18:26:45
> > That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
> >
> > AG
> >
> >
> Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?
>
> I.
At least we know we're not alone. We can wallow together.AG
Posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:34:16
In reply to Re: A normal life, posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:13:57
> > > That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
> > >
> > > AG
> > >
> > >
> > Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?
> >
> > I.
>
>
> At least we know we're not alone. We can wallow together.
>
> AGI don't want to wallow. I'd rather do something else.
I.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 31, 2004, at 20:37:06
In reply to Re: A normal life » Angel Girl, posted by Ilene on May 31, 2004, at 20:34:16
> > > > That's exactly how I feel. I'm the same age as you and I feel that at least 1/2 my life has been wasted. It depresses me to even think about it.
> > > >
> > > > AG
> > > >
> > > >
> > > Well, even though I'm not really a positive person, I'd *like* to be, so how can we not wallow in it?
> > >
> > > I.
> >
> >
> > At least we know we're not alone. We can wallow together.
> >
> > AG
>
> I don't want to wallow. I'd rather do something else.
>
> I.
>
Me too, the question is what? I have no idea.AG
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