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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on June 5, 2002, at 12:28:15
I was feeling very loopy last night. Very out of it, like I couldn't focus and couldn't think straight. Kept thinking all of these weird thoughts and the thoughts didn't follow any logical thinking pattern. I was driving and that was dangerous b/c I wasn't focused, and I went to the drug store to pick up a prescription and they didn't have it ready for me and I kept thinking that it didn't matter b/c I don't want to take the meds anymore b/c they're not doing any good, etc. etc. etc.
I did take my meds, and I felt pretty good yesterday after hearing about my interview, but today I feel back in a rut. Like I could cry any minute. Like I want to die. Completely and totally hopeless and knowing I should call my pdoc but knowing I won't. I'm at work, so at least I know for the time being I'm not going to do anything crazy, but I felt good this morning and then the mood dropped again rapidly. I want to crawl under a rock and stay there. I'm just so tired of playing this little game. It's getting so old.
Sorry to be such a bummer if you've made it this far in my message. I'm just really at my wits end. Everyone on this board has been so supportive, but I'm not sure there's anything else anyone can say to me that's going to make much difference. I keep ending up in this place.
Even with my interview on Friday.
lost penny
Posted by Greg A. on June 5, 2002, at 14:01:45
In reply to was feeling loopy last night...still suicidal, posted by Penny on June 5, 2002, at 12:28:15
Hi lost penny,
I am where you are. Just struggling to find a reason to go through the motions each day. I have recently changed meds which always is a big upset for me. I let it go too long this time before switching and hit a real low point. Now it’s a long road back up. Like you, I have these brief periods where I feel quite good and then my mood swings rapidly downward. I want someone to help – to do something – but the only alternative seems to be to grind it out and wait. I am also at work, totally unfocused and accomplishing nothing. Left with too much time to think. A menial, labour intensive job would be good right now so I could shut off my brain. I have been replacing the roof on my house; pulling a million nails etc. and I find that very therapeutic. I may patent it. Something guaranteed to occupy you while generating zero emotion or excitement. I find that the slight highs, are often followed by a low so I try to avoid them during unstable times.
Sound like you are in unstable times as well. Maybe we can ride it out together?Greg A.
Posted by mair on June 5, 2002, at 15:35:01
In reply to Re: was feeling loopy last night...still suicidal, posted by Greg A. on June 5, 2002, at 14:01:45
Maybe it's the alignment of the planets, but I pretty much feel like giving up too. I just seem to swing back and forth between being focused on whatever it is I need to do, and thinking pretty obsessively about suicide. My therapist called me a few hours ago and extracted a promise that I'd show up at my session tomorrow. I'm sorry I made the promise (what else could I have said?), not because I'm particularly ready to do something radically destructive, but becuase I'm pretty fed up thinking and talking about suicide. I think it makes me feel worse to talk about it, or really right now to talk about anything more personal than the weather. I don't want to go through another worthless meds trial, and I don't want to talk anymore, and I don't want to think obsessively about things anymore. It doesn't leave me with many alternatives.
Mair
Posted by Penny on June 5, 2002, at 15:50:51
In reply to Can I get on this bus too?, posted by mair on June 5, 2002, at 15:35:01
Wow...we're all in bad shape I think.
My moods are swinging, even though I started a mood stabilizer a week ago. Today I felt bad, then good, then bad, then okay, now I'm heading downhill again. I have therapy tonight and I'm still doing med trials, although they're not doing much at the moment. Somehow I still have faith in my pdoc, as though he has the magical cure for what ails me. And yet another part of is only hanging on b/c I don't know what would happen to my dogs if I went through with it.
Sure wish someone out there could tell us what the answer is. Why is life so especially hard for some of us? I'm SOOOO tired of happy cheerful optimistic upbeat people telling me 'it's going to be okay' or 'you'll beat this, just hang in there.' How do they know???? And if they have beat it themselves, they might know what I feel like, but they still don't know that I'm going to be okay. It's like, enough already. I don't want to hear it anymore.
Told my employer about my entering an intensive outpatient psychiatric program, b/c I felt I owed him an explanation for why I was going to be missing work. And he felt a need to tell HR and they felt a need to refer to me an employee assistance program (free short-term counseling) as though I don't have a therapist and a pdoc who are watching out for me. And I know that a) I should have kept my big mouth shut as it was none of their business to begin with, but it seems I have a hard time learning that lesson, and b) they are just covering their asses by reporting me to the EAP. And I met with the EAP counselor this morning who was nice enough, but she couldn't offer me any assistance. There's just not much help to offer in Charlotte, believe it or not, and that's pretty much what she told me. Only ONE IOP program in the city, unless you need help for chemical dependency. What are the chances?
Sorry that you guys are feeling as crummy as I am, but it does help to know that I'm not alone.
Love to all,
Penny
Posted by Penny on June 5, 2002, at 16:12:36
In reply to was feeling loopy last night...still suicidal, posted by Penny on June 5, 2002, at 12:28:15
I hope this works.
http://community.webshots.com/album/39926425QWSvnM
This url should take you to a page of my graphic art. It's not something I do seriously, but just for fun. These make good desktop photos for your computer and you can download them here for free. My personal favorite is "Spiraling into the pit of despair." It's how I picture the inside of my brain on days like this...
Penny
Posted by SusanG on June 5, 2002, at 16:28:03
In reply to Can I get on this bus too?, posted by mair on June 5, 2002, at 15:35:01
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.
And to my friends in chat, I miss you and I'm sorry I haven't been around much, especially since some of you are doing so poorly. Right now I'm struggling to keep my head above water so I wouldn't be much good to anyone there anyway and I am tired of hearing myself whine. I hope to catch you all sooner or later. Just know I am thinking about you all.
Fondly,
Sue
Posted by BarbaraCat on June 6, 2002, at 2:11:37
In reply to Can I get on this bus too?, posted by mair on June 5, 2002, at 15:35:01
I decided not to post here for awhile because I'm feeling so shitty and all the new psycho category boards are messing with my head. But I saw this thread and thought, what the heck, I need company in my misery. Just this week it hit the fan. I was feeling pretty good, stable, optimistic, but lately everything is throwing me. The out of state emergency check from the in-laws has a 5 day bank hold put on it, so of course the mortgage will bounce (oh, yeah, I've let him know, along with the gas, electricity, etc.) Just one of the many balls of fire I'm trying to juggle and not get burned too badly. Everything feels in shambles, dangerous, and threatening and I'm spinning around and starting to not sleep. Benzos just rev me up. My body is in major fibromyalgia flare so exercise is torment.
I have loads of Buddhist training and know that change is the only constant, that surrendering to the groundless moment of Now is the only haven, but Shit! I want to get out of this crazy amusement park. I KNOW life can be simpler, kinder, aligned with my heart and soul. I just don't know how anymore. It's too damn hard. We're plunked down here with no road map. I fear we're in the grip of an insane God. And let me tell you, folks, suicide is not the way out. You think this life sucks? Try coming back again and again mucking through the same old unlearned dreary crap. That road is an unfortunate dead end and a sure ticket back to more of the same. Maybe that's good, maybe it's just more of 'up yours, sucker'. I know this will pass but right now I hurt and 'later' doesn't mean shit.
Thoroughly Disgusted Barbara
Posted by paxvox on June 8, 2002, at 21:09:02
In reply to To share with all of you..., posted by Penny on June 5, 2002, at 16:12:36
So, Penny, how did the interview go? Your posts are so deeply emoting, I can clearly see that you are both highly intelligent, as well very tenuous and unsure of how you *feel* about yourself. Explain, if you will, why you talk about suicide. You seem to have quite a bit going for you positively, why the utter dispair. What has your Pdoc said about this? How are you being medically treated? Who do you have to love, and who loves you back? When I have walked along that jagged edge, or coursed along the sea walls, contemplating the direction I should choose, I have always come back to the question of love.
If you have love, and are loved, you cannot think about suicide as any real alternative, because it affronts the very nature of love. I know the pain, the hopelessness, the deep pits of dispair, the feeling that *why can't it just end ?*
I have turned away from the brink every time because I love my daughter too much to cause her that kind of pain, and she loves me, as I am, unequivocally. These times will pass away. Find someone to hold on to, who will hold you back. There's no place for you in the pit.PAX
Posted by Penny on June 10, 2002, at 7:43:48
In reply to Re: To share with all of you... » Penny, posted by paxvox on June 8, 2002, at 21:09:02
Pax,
The interview went well (see above message from me.)
Why do I talk about suicide? Because it's all I think about. Or I shouldn't say 'all' ... it occupies most of my thoughts and I think of it multiple times each day. I know how I would do it, though my pdoc has made that harder for me by now dispensing my meds to me on a daily basis. And I'm okay with that, b/c I don't really want to die. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I was feeling better on Thursday and Friday, I believe due to the excitement of the interview, but started heading downhill again on Saturday. By yesterday I was crying in the car on the way home. It's as though my mind is independent of the rest of me and I'm constantly fighting with myself in my head. And the positive, happy me is seriously losing the battle. Circumstances only have short temporary positive effects and then my mind comes back with an even more negative flood of emotions.
I know I am loved, but don't feel it. I don't love myself. I feel I love others, and it's the only thing that's kept me going this far. But the pain is starting to outweigh whatever love and responsibility for others I might feel (I have no children, am not close to most of my family, etc.). I've felt this way for a long time, and have said multiple times that I think I will continue to go through these cycles until it gets to be too much. Maybe I expect too much from life. Maybe happiness is too much to hope for.
And the worst part is, I don't understand WHY I feel as I do. Like you pointed out, it seems that I have all kinds of good things going for me. So why can't I just tell myself that and get on with living? I've tried. My emotions continue to bog me down. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and both of them see my thought processes when I explain it to them and how distorted they are. And even knowing that they are distorted doesn't change the way I feel.
That's why I get so upset when some people act as though depression and other mood disorders are something you should be able to deal with on your own. This illness truly seems to me to act independently of the rest of me, despite my own wishes. I can't explain it, but it doesn't seem to be going away...
Penny
Posted by mair on June 10, 2002, at 12:25:36
In reply to Re: To share with all of you..., posted by Penny on June 10, 2002, at 7:43:48
Penny
I'm happy that your interview went well - when might you hear if you got the job? It's too bad about the post-interview crash.
Your post was so eerie because it was such a thorough description of what I go through - better than I can articulate myself. Sometimes (fortunately not all the time) I just can't seem to put suicide out of my mind. It's not something I desire, I don't delude myself into thinking that my family would be better off without me, any I know its something of a distortion, but it still can be unbelievably pervasive - so much so that suicide seems like a reasonable alternative to having to ruminate about it all the time.
I too have no explanation for why I feel the way I do, although I know these thought processes are more difficult to control when I'm under alot of stress. (I think not having a clearly identifiable cause makes things worse - I feel guiltier) My therapist tells me that I filter out all of the positive messages I get - I know she's right - it's just so hard for me not to dislike myself. This had a lot to do with what I thought were the limitations of CBT. It gave me some helpful techniques in addressing sources of anxiety, but really did nothing to help me with my far more subjective feelings of worthlessness.
You sound like you're a lot more at risk than I am. I have a pretty definite plan and when I ruminate about this stuff I visualize myself going through all the steps I'd have to go through to make it happen. But my plan requires that I have things that are not otherwise at my disposal - and I think this is good - I think it's my own built-in safety net - that the means to my end are not close at hand. It's important that I not be in a position where I can act impulsively. On a couple of ocassions when I felt most at risk, I noticed that I was starting to consider other, more easily implemented, methods.
I hope you get into the outpatient program recommended by your therapist. I'm sure working on this more intensively will help.
Please keep us posted. (no pun intended)
Mair
Posted by paxvox on June 10, 2002, at 20:56:12
In reply to Re: To share with all of you..., posted by Penny on June 10, 2002, at 7:43:48
Penny, I hear ya. I'm not saying I haven't danced with the demons myself, however, I don't think I could articulate it as clearly as you just did. My sense of doom, impending or imagined,just puts me in the panic mode. I worry myself sick about illnesses, not death. That's the *funny* part. I have no fear of death, it's the dying that bothers me!
One of my few good friends tried to tell me my negative thoughts were my own choice. His logic, which I cannot totally dismiss, is that if I think positively about every GOOD thing that happens to me each day, and express gratitude,that sooner or later I will start finding more good things to be happy about. So, to him, it's a matter of attitude, or the old " I can't control the things that happen to me, but I can control the way I respond to them."
I don't know. I guess it does help to have a religious faith. That has pulled me through some of the toughest times. Anyway, let me know how you are doing, and if you are having a particularly bad time, I will try to cheer you up with some arcane references to 30 year old humor (ask Susan C.).
BTW, I'm just down the hill from you in South Carolina. I used to know C.Hill well, as my brother lived there while doing his residency after med school. Of course, UNC wouldn't accept me for graduate school, so I *had* to go to UVA.
(well, OK, so I have been a UVA fan for 30 years anyway, so it was no REAL loss....besides, Charlottesville is a nicer little town...at least it was in the mid 80's when I was there).Keep me in mind, and I will try to be of use to you. It's always nice to know that at least you are not travelling by yourself down that winding road.
PAX
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