Posted by BarbaraCat on June 6, 2002, at 2:11:37
In reply to Can I get on this bus too?, posted by mair on June 5, 2002, at 15:35:01
I decided not to post here for awhile because I'm feeling so shitty and all the new psycho category boards are messing with my head. But I saw this thread and thought, what the heck, I need company in my misery. Just this week it hit the fan. I was feeling pretty good, stable, optimistic, but lately everything is throwing me. The out of state emergency check from the in-laws has a 5 day bank hold put on it, so of course the mortgage will bounce (oh, yeah, I've let him know, along with the gas, electricity, etc.) Just one of the many balls of fire I'm trying to juggle and not get burned too badly. Everything feels in shambles, dangerous, and threatening and I'm spinning around and starting to not sleep. Benzos just rev me up. My body is in major fibromyalgia flare so exercise is torment.
I have loads of Buddhist training and know that change is the only constant, that surrendering to the groundless moment of Now is the only haven, but Shit! I want to get out of this crazy amusement park. I KNOW life can be simpler, kinder, aligned with my heart and soul. I just don't know how anymore. It's too damn hard. We're plunked down here with no road map. I fear we're in the grip of an insane God. And let me tell you, folks, suicide is not the way out. You think this life sucks? Try coming back again and again mucking through the same old unlearned dreary crap. That road is an unfortunate dead end and a sure ticket back to more of the same. Maybe that's good, maybe it's just more of 'up yours, sucker'. I know this will pass but right now I hurt and 'later' doesn't mean shit.
Thoroughly Disgusted Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:25077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020531/msgs/25099.html