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Re: To share with all of you...

Posted by Penny on June 10, 2002, at 7:43:48

In reply to Re: To share with all of you... » Penny, posted by paxvox on June 8, 2002, at 21:09:02

Pax,

The interview went well (see above message from me.)

Why do I talk about suicide? Because it's all I think about. Or I shouldn't say 'all' ... it occupies most of my thoughts and I think of it multiple times each day. I know how I would do it, though my pdoc has made that harder for me by now dispensing my meds to me on a daily basis. And I'm okay with that, b/c I don't really want to die. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

I was feeling better on Thursday and Friday, I believe due to the excitement of the interview, but started heading downhill again on Saturday. By yesterday I was crying in the car on the way home. It's as though my mind is independent of the rest of me and I'm constantly fighting with myself in my head. And the positive, happy me is seriously losing the battle. Circumstances only have short temporary positive effects and then my mind comes back with an even more negative flood of emotions.

I know I am loved, but don't feel it. I don't love myself. I feel I love others, and it's the only thing that's kept me going this far. But the pain is starting to outweigh whatever love and responsibility for others I might feel (I have no children, am not close to most of my family, etc.). I've felt this way for a long time, and have said multiple times that I think I will continue to go through these cycles until it gets to be too much. Maybe I expect too much from life. Maybe happiness is too much to hope for.

And the worst part is, I don't understand WHY I feel as I do. Like you pointed out, it seems that I have all kinds of good things going for me. So why can't I just tell myself that and get on with living? I've tried. My emotions continue to bog me down. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and both of them see my thought processes when I explain it to them and how distorted they are. And even knowing that they are distorted doesn't change the way I feel.

That's why I get so upset when some people act as though depression and other mood disorders are something you should be able to deal with on your own. This illness truly seems to me to act independently of the rest of me, despite my own wishes. I can't explain it, but it doesn't seem to be going away...

Penny


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