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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on January 11, 2012, at 0:44:04
Do you think being "happy" makes therapy harder? Or are we in therapy because being happy is hard?
When I find these pockets of joy, I want to hang on to them desperately and yet they bring up so much anxiety...that I'll get hurt, that anything that makes me happy will get taken away...that I'll lose my therapist because I'm not allowed to need him if I'm happy. I know these feelings are very old but the wound is so deep that I can't seem to put words to the feelings and process them. Instead, I end up in a sobbing melt down, overwhelmed by grief and fear and God-knows what else. When I finally get calm, I've dissociated it all away and don't want to unpack it.
Any one else ever felt this?
Posted by pegasus on January 11, 2012, at 9:07:46
In reply to Happy is hard, posted by Daisym on January 11, 2012, at 0:44:04
Hey, I had a session like that yesterday. :( I agree that happy can be damn hard. I had a session the week before in which I'd felt empowered and proud of myself, and connected to my T. Then, bam, it leads directly to doubt, and confusion, and shame.
Then today I remembered an incident that I had completely forgotten (and don't love remembering), and I have no idea how it is related to what went on in session. But I know it is. But I don't want to work out how. I just want to protectively draw my blanket of confusion and sadness and self hate over my head, and hide.
I left my T a pretty nonsensical, message that had no particular content, other than to say that I wanted to call him. I think it's not wanting to unpack all of this, and yet wanting the support and connection. It's a wonder he doesn't think I'm completely crazy. Or maybe he does, and he doesn't mind.
- peg
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2012, at 9:27:46
In reply to Happy is hard, posted by Daisym on January 11, 2012, at 0:44:04
I'm guessing your therapist has told you that being happy or well doesn't mean losing him? If not, you need to have that talk. If my therapist hadn't done that, being happy wouldn't have looked nearly so good.
Would it help to think of happiness more as a state to pass through from time to time on your journey, and not the destination? You can enjoy the moment without worrying that you'll always be happy (you won't - no one is) or that you no longer will need your therapist (you may or may not).
And in the meantime, being happy will shake up therapy a bit. You and your therapist can see what Happy Daisy is like. You can unfold your happiness like a gift for both of you, and delight in it together. It could bring fresh life into the relationship.
Just a thought...
It's funny, isn't it, how each stage brings its own terrors? Remember how we used to think that if we just felt like our therapist cared about us, all would be well?
Posted by Wittgensteinz on January 11, 2012, at 11:35:10
In reply to Happy is hard, posted by Daisym on January 11, 2012, at 0:44:04
Hmm I'm not sure if it is being happy per se but rather being in a place where everything is going well (the two perhaps go hand in hand) - where there's absolutely nothing to worry about. That's precisely when I find myself extremely anxious. When things are not going so well for whatever reason, I seem to be able to cope better. I don't know if it is a need for self-sabotage or simply fear that the good times won't last, but I can relate to the feeling of anxiety you describe.
Whether happy makes therapy harder - I'm not sure - difficult question - I'd say yes and no.
Witti
Posted by emmanuel98 on January 11, 2012, at 19:20:39
In reply to Re: Happy is hard » Daisym, posted by Wittgensteinz on January 11, 2012, at 11:35:10
When I feel good, I feel like I should end therapy. Which makes me feel not good. He says, why? You can keep seeing me for as long as you need to.
Sometimes, though, when I feel bad, I feel like I should end therapy, both with my p-doc and SW. I feel that there is nothing more to do, nothing more that will help. I've been feeling that way today and trying to decide what to do.
Posted by Daisym on January 12, 2012, at 13:59:08
In reply to Re: Happy is hard, posted by emmanuel98 on January 11, 2012, at 19:20:39
After working on this for several sessions now, I've learned that being happy is a trigger that I didn't know I carried. Well, not being happy, exactly, but having someone notice I'm happy and comment on it. There were consequences for being happy and it was part of the beginning of the CSA.
And it is also connected to my inability to tolerate expansive states - too happy or too sad freak me out. Most kids learn to self-regulate because their parents help them with all these big emotions - positive or negative. Mine didn't - so I have a limited emotional range that feels OK - which is not the same as not being able to feel deeply. But anxiety sits on either end of the range so happy is as hard as depressed.
I said I feel like we've just discovered another thing that has been f-up and stolen from me. My therapist said that is why we need to practice experiencing your happiness together. So he wants me to brag more. This is going to be worse than talking about sex!
Posted by antigua3 on February 12, 2012, at 21:56:05
In reply to Happy is hard, posted by Daisym on January 11, 2012, at 0:44:04
Daisy,
Feeling happy and good about what's going on in my experience can also feel very threatening and dangerous. I've had to break the pattern (still getting there) that when something good happens/I feel good about myself, the other shoe is ready to drop and I anxiously wait for it. in time, I've learned that bad doesn't have to follow good, sometimes it's just the way life goes.What i'm trying to say is enjoy the good, the good feelings, but know that yes, in many cases (mine I'm thinking of) feeling good can be a tremendous trigger. If I'm happy, does it mean i have to give up therapy? Am I letting secondary gains get in the way of really accepting that yes, I deserve these good things happen to me? Do I want to remain miserable so I have to stay in therapy.
I may be way off track here, but try to let yourself accept the good, let your brain rewire that message that you don't deserve to be happy. You do! You are doing so much better! But being happy is supposed to be a good thing, although for many of us it is very threatening.
You sound like you're doing well. keep at it.
all my best,
antigua
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