![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 16:27:47
I'm quite private about things.... it's even VERY difficult to open up to the T. I see. I havn't been to therapy for a month and I have an appointment tomorrow-- yikes!!
It's like I'm standing on the shore and there was a boat nearby but it's gradually drifted.... drifted so far that now it's a tiny tiny speck on the horizon-- about to be engulfed into that never ending line where water meets sky..... that's my connection with T.-- almost gone. Seems like it will be way too much work to get that "boat" back near me.... feels overwhelming.
I had so many bad things happen in this past month.... even called T. once and started crying... yea-- ME crying!!(and besides I NEVER call T.) that sure was being vulnerable, on my part. I've learned(from childhood and on) that the less people know about my feelings the less likely I'll be hurt. What if I blew it? T. heard me cry(yes, it was on the phone, but still).... that could be an open door for her to know what makes me cry now. maybe she'll think less of me..... When the phone call was ending with her(she had a client that she needed to work with) she said that she would like it if I called her in a couple days, -- "yea, right"-- I thought (I didn't believe her and I'm still not sure)..... so I didn't call her.... that's been 4 weeks ago....
You know the saying -- "the squeaky wheel gets oiled"?.... I'm not ever the squeaky wheel.... I get too much anxiety that way.... so then-- because I'm NOT squeaking it's ALWAYS assumed that I and everything else is fine......
but it's not fine...... my marriage is in dire trouble as I demand respect from my husband and request he stop drinking-- so he is very upset with me..... mother's life is in shambles(health wise and emotionally) as she prepares to move back near me-- and live with her boyfriend- and leave her trailer(hundreds of miles away) empty, as it won't sell. I've always always been her surrogate mother since I was 13 when my dad had his first heart attack.(he's now deceased) I don't know HOW to make things better for her.....she always asks me what she should do-- then if I say something and it doesn't work out she gets mad at me and tells everyone what a horrible daughter she has..... feels so overwhelming..... ugh.... :o(
My hours have been cut at my part-time job... if they cut anymore, I'll just be at home all day...
My sons are struggling....... lawyers, court dates, doctor visits....
it's all too much...... :o( :o( :o(and it feels like tomorrow- therapy- will be yet one MORE thing to feel overwhelmed about(seeing that boat way out there about to vanish).....
sometimes I wonder if this therapy stuff is even good for people...... is it really worth the anxiety..... does it really help.....
I don't know.... just don't know.... my eyes are open but I don't seem to be able to see ..... seems as though I'm looking at my life through an opaque window....
*sigh*..... I so wish all this would just end.... I'm so tired.....
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Phillipa on April 1, 2009, at 21:25:27
In reply to Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 16:27:47
Wow Mandy you have a lot going on and it seems to me that someone to talk with is necessary. Make a list of the things gone wrong and bring as it's overwhelming. Love Phillipa
Posted by fayeroe on April 1, 2009, at 21:50:32
In reply to Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 16:27:47
> I'm quite private about things.... it's even VERY difficult to open up to the T. I see. I havn't been to therapy for a month and I have an appointment tomorrow-- yikes!!
Sweetheart, you need to go to the T. Suck it up and go.You need to see her.
>
> It's like I'm standing on the shore and there was a boat nearby but it's gradually drifted.... drifted so far that now it's a tiny tiny speck on the horizon-- about to be engulfed into that never ending line where water meets sky..... that's my connection with T.-- almost gone. Seems like it will be way too much work to get that "boat" back near me.... feels overwhelming.Standing on the shore hoping the boat will come back probably won't work. :=-) I know how hard it is for you to ask for help but if you will talk to your T about that feeling, I bet she will understand...
>
> I had so many bad things happen in this past month.... even called T. once and started crying... yea-- ME crying!!(and besides I NEVER call T.) that sure was being vulnerable, on my part. I've learned(from childhood and on) that the less people know about my feelings the less likely I'll be hurt. What if I blew it? T. heard me cry(yes, it was on the phone, but still).... that could be an open door for her to know what makes me cry now. maybe she'll think less of me.....Your T is your safe place TO cry. And, M, if she does learn what makes you cry, what is wrong with that? I know, I know.....but please trust her and work with her. I feel like it would be a very good thing for you to just take all of your emotional clutter/***t and dump it on the floor of her office and then try to work through what you can get to in a session.
When the phone call was ending with her(she had a client that she needed to work with) she said that she would like it if I called her in a couple days, -- "yea, right"-- I thought (I didn't believe her and I'm still not sure)..... so I didn't call her.... that's been 4 weeks ago....Woman! A T won't tell you to call her in two days unless she wants you to call! I understand that it is extremely difficult for you to trust anyone but you T is different. She has the parts and the glue to help put your "stuff" together....let her help, please......
>
> You know the saying -- "the squeaky wheel gets oiled"?.... I'm not ever the squeaky wheel.... I get too much anxiety that way.... so then-- because I'm NOT squeaking it's ALWAYS assumed that I and everything else is fine.....I know that you don't speak up or ever ask for anything for yourself.That is why you keep getting the short end of the stick. You are a wonderful courageous woman and you need to get going and grab some grace and peace...your T will help you do that. .
>
> but it's not fine...... my marriage is in dire trouble as I demand respect from my husband and request he stop drinking-- so he is very upset with me.Okay.......here I go! "Request" is where you lost me when you talk about your husband's drinking. If the word request worked all of the bars in Texas and New Mexico would dry up and blow away...liquor stores too!
In life when we don't show respect for ourselves, the bullies catch on really fast and it's like "dog pile"......let's get going with that T and work on that. Your husband has to fix his problems. You can't fix him and you can't fix the boys.
.... mother's life is in shambles(health wise and emotionally) as she prepares to move back near me-- and live with her boyfriend- and leave her trailer(hundreds of miles away) empty, as it won't sell. I've always always been her surrogate mother since I was 13 when my dad had his first heart attack.(he's now deceased) I don't know HOW to make things better for her..we don't have to make things better for our parents. that isn't our job. I certainly can understand and appreciate the fact that not all parents are hard to "help" and things go swimmingly for some families. (Those families are on t.v.) :-)
...she always asks me what she should do-- then if I say something and it doesn't work out she gets mad at me and tells everyone what a horrible daughter she has..... feels so overwhelming..... ugh.... :o(
How about saying "mom/mother/mama/heyyou, I would love to help you work that one out but I am just so tired/pissed/hungry that I don't have time today. Try to quit giving her your power. Remember I did that for 35 years and look what it got me.....
As a matter of fact when I see someone who wants to leave the decision making to another person...they don't really care what the outcome is going to be.....they are going to blame it on someone else anyway. So, sidestep that one (two step..step and a half) and just let her make up her mind about what she is going to do. Let the ole boyfriend take up the slack. You sure don't want two of them to raise!!!
>
> My hours have been cut at my part-time job... if they cut anymore, I'll just be at home all day...No, if you want another job, you'll find one. You don't have to stay home all day. You can always visit me. :-)
>
> My sons are struggling....... lawyers, court dates, doctor visits....And I guess the lawyers and court dates have to do with something that they should not have been doing? Been there, done that. Are they living at home now? This is beginning to feel like a really big "dogpile" now...
>
> it's all too much...... :o( :o( :o(It can feel like it is too much but the human spirit usually prevails and rises up out of the ashes and takes a few wobbly steps and then moves on. You can do this if you'll just count on small improvements. No one is going to get sober tomorrow because you want them to. They have to do this because they want it. (
>
> and it feels like tomorrow- therapy- will be yet one MORE thing to feel overwhelmed about(seeing that boat way out there about to vanish).....I really hope that you read this before you go to bed. It is 7:45 there.........
>
> sometimes I wonder if this therapy stuff is even good for people...... is it really worth the anxiety..... does it really help.....If we work on it and pull back up after becoming winded and tired...it is worth it. It is an individual thing, you know.
>
> I don't know.... just don't know.... my eyes are open but I don't seem to be able to see ..... seems as though I'm looking at my life through an opaque window....Living with people the way you are would numb anyone's senses. You don't exactly have an easy row to hoe there. Don't beat yourself up over feeling "unfeeling"...
>
> *sigh*..... I so wish all this would just end.... I'm so tired.....
>
> flutterby-mandy
\\
Mandygirl, I hope that you will let me know how things are going and not get too exasperated with me over being me.....:-) xoxoxo pat
>
>
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 23:01:22
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes! » fleeting flutterby, posted by Phillipa on April 1, 2009, at 21:25:27
> Wow Mandy you have a lot going on and it seems to me that someone to talk with is necessary. Make a list of the things gone wrong and bring as it's overwhelming. Love Phillipa<<
flutterby:-- Oh sweet Phillipa, thank you for replying.... I don't think I could bare it- not getting any replies. thank you also for the "list" idea.... I'm so muddled, I can't seem to think at all... :o( I will make a list, yes, that's what I'll do.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 23:26:54
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!, posted by fayeroe on April 1, 2009, at 21:50:32
Oh my gosh Pat!!! I had wished that you would see this post... I felt that you would understand(not that others wouldn't-- I appreciate hearing from everyone!) just that we go quite a ways back.....
then you somehow came here.... How did you? maybe this desert wind carried my message and whispered in your window and you heard me......and look too -- I was going to go to bed but then.... I decided to check babble real quick and so I have read your most wonderful thoughtful post before I went to bed! Thank you very very much. It truly feels so great to be heard!
I'm very exhausted though, I apologize for not answering in detail tonight.... I hope to have time tomorrow.... after my T. session, in the evening.... *gasp* did I just say I was going?? God-- I'm so nervous! not sure if I'm going to feel like I'm walking the plank there, or mopping the deck, or feel I'm sharing the wheel and told I could be captain of the ship......wish I could stay here at babble and time would stand still..... then tomorrow would never come.....
I better go to bed before I get myself even more worked up..... thank goodness for sleeping pills.
thank you again-- a million times, Pat.
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Phillipa on April 1, 2009, at 23:37:08
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes! » Phillipa, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 23:01:22
Mandy good luck!!!! And so sorry about the drinking. Been there done that if you know what I mean. Let us know how it goes. Love Phillipa
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 2, 2009, at 8:01:43
In reply to Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 16:27:47
Sweetie, Flutterby: You have too much on your plate (like you don't know that, LOL)
I would sure dump it all with the t; if you don't you will remain frustrated.
You shouldnt be resposnible for your mother or any other adult. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in being healthy. you can stop allowing her to use emotional blackmail.
I hope you will bring up all of the stuff you mentioned here....to your t....that is a lot of misery to carry around. That is what your t is for; get your money's worth!
Write it down and have her read it; if you don't feel you can verbalize it; she can take it one subject at a time.
you cannot "demand" respect from your husband (or anyone else), but you can teach them how to treat you (if they do not respect you......distance yourself or no contact).
A sentence I have always used: If you CHOOSE to not respect me, then we will not have this conversation." It always works, becauseI.....am in control. usually if you say that; the person will argue or be abusive. Walk away; refuse to listen.
you cannot control what your mother thinks, does or says (or anyone else for that matter). you cannot change anyone, only yourself. Perhaps learn to drop what yu cannot control (your mother, husband). They will make their choices. you also have choices.
BE that squeaky wheel.
This is what I would do:
Tell the husband that he needs to get help for his drinking. If he chooses to not do that; I would separate.
Have a conversation (or send letter) to mother:
you reversed our roles and that is not fair. you are supposed to be MY mother, not the other way around. From now on, when you ask my advice, I will tell you that it is your decision (you are an adult), and I will not be a part of your decision making process. I will not be blamed for anything pertaining to your life.
Love n Hugs, Sassy
t
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 2, 2009, at 17:24:54
In reply to Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 16:27:47
First, before I reply to the posts I'd like to say-- I did go!! I was so nervous.... I got a bloody nose just before I went in.... do you think that could have been caused by stress?? I never get a bloody nose....*shrugs*.....
anyway--I told her how it was so very hard to show up there today.... she wanted to know why.... I said that since I had called her(last month) and revealed some of myself(crying), that which I keep protected from everyone, I felt it could be unsafe to be there..... I told her how I grew up knowing that I can't depend on ANYONE and if I think I can that's when I get hurt. She said that everyone needs someone at some time or other in their life... and that showing upset emotions can be helpful... huh.. imagine that!!....
And then she asked me if I felt safe there today, and I said, "yes, I do actually". and then she said-- "because if one doesn't feel safe in the therapy room then progress can't be made"... huh.. imagine that too!!It all made sense and so we then went on to talk about all the c#ap that's in my life at this moment.
phew... I am so relieved it's over and that it turned out to be NOT as bad as I feared.... phew....
maybe sometimes somethings can be good.
flutterby-mandy
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 2, 2009, at 17:59:43
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!, posted by fayeroe on April 1, 2009, at 21:50:32
> Sweetheart, you need to go to the T. Suck it up and go.You need to see her.<<
flutterby:--- You were so right- I did need to go I just didn't see it.
> Standing on the shore hoping the boat will come back probably won't work. :=-) I know how hard it is for you to ask for help but if you will talk to your T about that feeling, I bet she will understand...<<
flutterby:-- Yes, I talked and she did understand... because I was treated as such a burden... punished when ill or injured and yelled at if I made any mistake.... I was so scared to ask for help... terrified is more like.
>
> Your T is your safe place TO cry. And, M, if she does learn what makes you cry, what is wrong with that? I know, I know.....but please trust her and work with her.<<flutterby:--- yea, it's taking a chance for me for sure.
>>I feel like it would be a very good thing for you to just take all of your emotional clutter/***t and dump it on the floor of her office and then try to work through what you can get to in a session.<<flutterby:-- You know how nice that sounds.... I'm just not used to leaning.... I'm used to being the strong one -- the one everyone else comes to. though, lately-- it feels as if I will fall flat on my face if anyone at all leans on me. I don't think I've ever felt so depleted. :o(
> Woman! A T won't tell you to call her in two days unless she wants you to call! I understand that it is extremely difficult for you to trust anyone but you T is different. She has the parts and the glue to help put your "stuff" together....let her help, please......<<flutterby:-- OK, OK-- you have a great way with words! I see exactly what you mean... she does have the parts and the glue, doesn't she. I never thought of it that way.
> I know that you don't speak up or ever ask for anything for yourself.That is why you keep getting the short end of the stick. You are a wonderful courageous woman and you need to get going and grab some grace and peace...your T will help you do that.<<flutterby:--- You know, I truly used to think that if I was just nicer and nicer things would come to me.... Hah! I just recently told my husband that so many people have taken advantage of my niceness... then I told him.... that "bird" is about ready to fly!!
> Okay.......here I go! "Request" is where you lost me when you talk about your husband's drinking. If the word request worked all of the bars in Texas and New Mexico would dry up and blow away...liquor stores too!<<flutterby:-- OH YES-- you are so funny and so right on! You see, I'm just learning how to be assertive and I realize now that "request" is not a very forceful word.... I'm still a work in progress. ;o)
>> we don't have to make things better for our parents. that isn't our job. I certainly can understand and appreciate the fact that not all parents are hard to "help" and things go swimmingly for some families. (Those families are on t.v.) :-)
----flutterby:-- yea, TV families sure mess up our expectations!
>
> How about saying "mom/mother/mama/heyyou, I would love to help you work that one out but I am just so tired/pissed/hungry that I don't have time today. Try to quit giving her your power. Remember I did that for 35 years and look what it got me.....<<flutterby:--- I hadn't thought of it that way-- I'm giving her my power.... that is what's happening... yea, I must notice this and stop it.
>>Let the ole boyfriend take up the slack. You sure don't want two of them to raise!!!
>
>
flutterby:--- that's for sure!!
> You can always visit me. :-)
> >flutterby:--- Cool! I'd like that some day. :o)
> And I guess the lawyers and court dates have to do with something that they should not have been doing? Been there, done that. Are they living at home now? This is beginning to feel like a really big "dogpile" now...<<flutterby:-- I'd rather not say here on the forum, but yea... one big dogpile. :o(
> >
> > sometimes I wonder if this therapy stuff is even good for people...... is it really worth the anxiety..... does it really help.....
>
> If we work on it and pull back up after becoming winded and tired...it is worth it. It is an individual thing, you know.<<flutterby:-- yes, I guess you're right.
> Mandygirl, I hope that you will let me know how things are going and not get too exasperated with me over being me.....:-) xoxoxo patflutterby:-- I'm never exasperated with you! :o)
thank you ever so much for all your time, support and caring.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 2, 2009, at 20:11:34
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes! » fleeting flutterby, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 2, 2009, at 8:01:43
Sassy--- I read your post just before I went to T.s and it also helped me a lot as did others posts. Thank you.
> You shouldnt be resposnible for your mother or any other adult. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in being healthy. you can stop allowing her to use emotional blackmail.<<flutterby: Yes, you are right. cept.... I struggle to avoid the "knee jerk" reaction to make everything OK for the mother. My mind tells me-- "This time! If you can just make everything OK for her then she will finally truly love and care about you"......
> you cannot "demand" respect from your husband (or anyone else), but you can teach them how to treat you (if they do not respect you......distance yourself or no contact).<<
flutterby:-- teaching others how to treat me-- that is important, I see that now.... but... first I think I need to grasp how I wish to be treated and set that in motion....
> you cannot control what your mother thinks, does or says (or anyone else for that matter).<<flutterby:-- Ha! you sound just like the T. I see. :o)... that's a compliment- by the way.
>>Perhaps learn to drop what yu cannot control (your mother, husband). They will make their choices. you also have choices.<<
flutterby:-- I have to keep reminding myself of this... I feel so guilty for everyone elses troubles... messages in my head tell me I MUST fix them in order to be of worth. .... I'm learning that it is a constant uphill battle though... *sigh*.....
> Tell the husband that he needs to get help for his drinking. If he chooses to not do that; I would separate.<<flutterby:-- have done the first part.... am just about at the "separate" level. :o(
> Have a conversation (or send letter) to mother:
> you reversed our roles and that is not fair. you are supposed to be MY mother, not the other way around. From now on, when you ask my advice, I will tell you that it is your decision (you are an adult), and I will not be a part of your decision making process. I will not be blamed for anything pertaining to your life.<<flutterby:-- whew... that is a heavy thing for me to do-- but I understand very well what you are saying. Lately I've been telling her things like- "it's up to you to decide".... and.."you have to think about what is best for you, only YOU can know that"..... it's been difficult for me to stand up like that -- but I'm working on it and thanks to you and others, I feel I'm not all alone in this... it's so nice to have advice. (I have 0 friends-IRL... really.... I don't think people believe me, but it's true.... my family can verify it) so you all posting to me-- means so very much-- you all have no idea.
>
>flutterby-mandy
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 4, 2009, at 14:56:21
In reply to Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 16:27:47
> .... mother's life is in shambles(health wise and emotionally) as she prepares to move back near me-- and live with her boyfriend- and leave her trailer(hundreds of miles away) empty, as it won't sell. I've always always been her surrogate mother since I was 13 when my dad had his first heart attack.(he's now deceased) I don't know HOW to make things better for her.....she always asks me what she should do-- then if I say something and it doesn't work out she gets mad at me and tells everyone what a horrible daughter she has..... feels so overwhelming..... ugh.... :o(
> .........................
------ Hope it's OK to put this here... feels safe here..........If I'm out of line please let me know.....I apologize, in that case....
**caution-- may trigger**
--
------ mother "flat lined" last night in the ER- they ran her in for an immediate pacemaker.... so she has that now and has to stay in hospital with total bed rest for a few days.----
anxiety rises as I can't help... there's nothing I can do, especailly since she is so far away. My sister near her doesn't want to stay and keep mother company in hospital. I s'pose when one gets old, sometimes one reaps what they have sown... mother didn't like to care for us children when we were ill or injured, so now I guess sister has morphed into a being like mother....*sigh*....
feels so helpless, as mother calls me, saying how lonely she is and how sister won't come to hospital...
helpless-- like when I was 19 years old watching that woman... as the current took her away....she shouldn't have been in that river with the heavy spring run-off(why did her and her companions have to be drinking?).... I coudln't help her!!... the water was too fast and deep.... argh....
am I worth much if I can't help? ......
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Kath on April 6, 2009, at 10:14:03
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!-- I went., posted by fleeting flutterby on April 2, 2009, at 17:24:54
>I'm quite private about things.... it's even VERY difficult to open up to the T. I see. I havn't been to therapy for a month and I have an appointment tomorrow-- yikes!!
~ ~ I'm so very glad that you first of all, phoned the T when you did & that you WENT to the appt & yes, I suspect a nose-bleed could certainly be caused by extreme stress. I'm very glad that the therapy session went how it did. When do you go next? ~ ~
>but it's not fine...... my marriage is in dire trouble as I demand respect from my husband and request he stop drinking-- so he is very upset with me.....
~ ~ What a brave thing for you do to - to request that!!! That's huge. I admire your courage. ~ ~
>I've always always been her surrogate mother since I was 13 when my dad had his first heart attack.(he's now deceased) I don't know HOW to make things better for her.....she always asks me what she should do-- then if I say something and it doesn't work out she gets mad at me and tells everyone what a horrible daughter she has..... feels so overwhelming..... ugh.... :o(
~ ~ ~ You said what use are you if you can't help (regarding the woman who got carried away by the current). First of all, NOBODY could help that woman & as you say, she put herself in great danger, sounds like. And you HAVE been helping, since you were 13 years old! I'm sorry that you've been in a pattern of being asked what you mother should do, & feeling like you HAVE to solve it for her, then you do your BEST to give her the advice that seems best & if it doesn't work out, she blames you & degrades you, sort of....devalues you. You've been put unfairly into the role of parenting your parent. I hope at least a wee part of you knows that that is NOT fair. It's not fair that your right (everyone has this right, in my opinion) to a carefree, happy, cared-for childhood - was taken away. Due to circumstances & your mom's emotional inability to deal with your dad's death....due to her for whatever reason, not having proper professional support at that time, you were cast in a role that wasn't appropriate & of course you didn't know what to do...and didn't know even that it wasn't right.
It's NOT your job to know how to make things better for anyone else Mandy. (((you)))
>"am I worth much if I can't help? ......"
Can't help is very different from WON'T help. And even won't help is often okay, because we always are wise to take care of ourSELF first! How can we possibly help anyone else, if we don't take care of US first?? I hope you can look at your question & pretend someone else is saying that to you...maybe it will feel a little different. But it might not, because you've been thinking that way for a long time, along with your mother's reaction if things don't work out - the blaming & devaluing you.
>I don't know.... just don't know.... my eyes are open but I don't seem to be able to see ..... seems as though I'm looking at my life through an opaque window....
~ ~ ~ You have a tremendous amount on your plate. It sounds to me like you're in overload - almost in shock & that would make total sense considering all that you're dealing with right now!
>*sigh*..... I so wish all this would just end.... I'm so tired.....
~ ~ ~ I know what that feels like. I've felt like that. Actually do fairly often.
> anxiety rises as I can't help... there's nothing I can do, especailly since she is so far away.~ ~ apart from being an awful situation, it's so parallel to what happened when you were 19 that it must hugely trigger all kinds of stuff in you. Maybe something to talk with T about?
> feels so helpless, as mother calls me, saying how lonely she is and how sister won't come to hospital...
~ ~ ~ Not sure if you want any ideas...& not sure when I'll next be posting, so instead of asking "do you want any suggestions?" I'm just going to write this now. If you don't want input, skip this paragraph! I read once, when my kids were small, that one way of dealing with this type of thing is to say what we 'wished' we could do. Like, "I hear how lonely you are. It must feel awful to be that lonely & I wish that you had someone there, right beside you all the time." Depending on how you feel & IF it feels okay - "I wish I could be there with you." If you do say that, I would not have it be the last sentence you say! It'd probably be better to end on a positive, like, "Since that can't happen, I'm going to phone the hospital & see if they have people who'd like to spend time with patients who are feeling lonely. Often hospitals do."
~ ~ I don't know how big of a city you live in. Although the CoDependents Anonymous meetings no longer happen in our town, I benefited greatly from them. I used to think it was my job to come up with solutions for everyone. I now know it isn't! Wow!
~ ~ Glad you felt okay to open up. You're in my thoughts. Let us know how you're doing.
love, Kath
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 6, 2009, at 16:22:42
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!-- I went. » fleeting flutterby, posted by Kath on April 6, 2009, at 10:14:03
> ~ ~ I'm so very glad that you first of all, phoned the T when you did & that you WENT to the appt & yes, I suspect a nose-bleed could certainly be caused by extreme stress. I'm very glad that the therapy session went how it did. When do you go next? ~ ~---flutterby:--- thank you Kath! It feels so warm when someone replies to me.... I know I shouldn't let it control me like that... but I'm not sure how to NOT let it.
I only see T. every other week-- so I still have over a week before I see her again.
> ~ ~ ~ You said what use are you if you can't help (regarding the woman who got carried away by the current). First of all, NOBODY could help that woman & as you say, she put herself in great danger, sounds like.<<---flutterby:--- Yes, you are right, I think I need to say it to myself 10x a day.. maybe after a while I'll get it through my head.
>> And you HAVE been helping, since you were 13 years old! I'm sorry that you've been in a pattern of being asked what you mother should do, & feeling like you HAVE to solve it for her, then you do your BEST to give her the advice that seems best & if it doesn't work out, she blames you & degrades you, sort of....devalues you. You've been put unfairly into the role of parenting your parent. I hope at least a wee part of you knows that that is NOT fair. It's not fair that your right (everyone has this right, in my opinion) to a carefree, happy, cared-for childhood - was taken away. Due to circumstances & your mom's emotional inability to deal with your dad's death....due to her for whatever reason, not having proper professional support at that time, you were cast in a role that wasn't appropriate & of course you didn't know what to do...and didn't know even that it wasn't right.<<
flutterby:--- Yes, you understand and since you put it that way-- I can see what you mean.... about it being wrong to have to parent ones parent.
> It's NOT your job to know how to make things better for anyone else Mandy. (((you)))----- flutterby:-- Well, it seems like if I could only make everyone better and everything better I would be a good enough person. it's such a struggle for me....*sigh*.....
>
> >"am I worth much if I can't help? ......"
>
> Can't help is very different from WON'T help. And even won't help is often okay, because we always are wise to take care of ourSELF first!<<---flutterby:-- Oh wow! I've not ever thought of it that way! Gives me something to think about , thank you.
>>I hope you can look at your question & pretend someone else is saying that to you...maybe it will feel a little different. But it might not, because you've been thinking that way for a long time, along with your mother's reaction if things don't work out - the blaming & devaluing you.<<
---flutterby:--- Well, I certainly wouldn't expect such things from other people... it is in my mind all the time for myself though.... I can see where this therapy stuff perhaps can aide me in finding NEW ways to think of myself..... but the self-sabotaging way is so automatic.. phew... it's going to take some time and work to overcome it, I hope I can.
> ~ ~ ~ You have a tremendous amount on your plate. It sounds to me like you're in overload - almost in shock & that would make total sense considering all that you're dealing with right now!<<
---flutterby:--- yes, I think it is "overload" that I'm in... my stomach is doing such flips I don't feel much like eating... have this vibrating feeling in my brain... and it's as though I'm sinking in quicksand, going down, down ever so slowly..... wish I could just sleep it all away... :o(
>
> >*sigh*..... I so wish all this would just end.... I'm so tired.....
>
> ~ ~ ~ I know what that feels like. I've felt like that. Actually do fairly often.<<---flutterby:-- Oh, I'm sorry you feel like this often. It's not a good place to be, I'm so sorry.
> > anxiety rises as I can't help... there's nothing I can do, especailly since she is so far away.
>
> ~ ~ apart from being an awful situation, it's so parallel to what happened when you were 19 that it must hugely trigger all kinds of stuff in you. Maybe something to talk with T about?<<---flutterby:-- *opens eyes wide*-- maybe that's it! It feels like I have to keep mother safe so I don't feel a failure like I did back when I was 19 and that lady was in the river. I am going through such anxiety right now! argh!!...
> ~ ~ ~ I'm just going to write this now. If you don't want input, skip this paragraph! I read once, when my kids were small, that one way of dealing with this type of thing is to say what we 'wished' we could do. Like, "I hear how lonely you are. It must feel awful to be that lonely & I wish that you had someone there, right beside you all the time." Depending on how you feel & IF it feels okay - "I wish I could be there with you." If you do say that, I would not have it be the last sentence you say! It'd probably be better to end on a positive, like, "Since that can't happen, I'm going to phone the hospital & see if they have people who'd like to spend time with patients who are feeling lonely. Often hospitals do."<<----flutterby:--- Oh that was so kind of you-- I always welcome advice/input, thank you. I appreciate your input and am hoping to put it to use very soon.
>
> ~ ~ I don't know how big of a city you live in. Although the CoDependents Anonymous meetings no longer happen in our town, I benefited greatly from them. I used to think it was my job to come up with solutions for everyone. I now know it isn't! Wow!<<----flutterby:--- Hey, good for you in going and bettering yourself! I don't know if I could do that..... yikes... I clam up in groups... so nervous.
> ~ ~ Glad you felt okay to open up. You're in my thoughts. Let us know how you're doing.
>
> love, Kath<<
thank you ever so much for your reply.
I worry that I'm bothering people here and that they ignore me in hopes I will go away for good.
(*rolls eyes*-- is that the ol' devaluing self talk??.... it's always in me, just like breathing)thank you-- all that replied-- you are dear to my heart.
I hope and wish that you all are doing OK.flutterby-mandy ....ps-- sorry I wrote a "novel" *blushing*...... :o(
Posted by Kath on April 6, 2009, at 20:47:28
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!-- I went. » Kath, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 6, 2009, at 16:22:42
> ---flutterby:--- thank you Kath! It feels so warm when someone replies to me....
~ ~ - I feel like that also.
> ---flutterby:--- Yes, you are right, I think I need to say it to myself 10x a day.. maybe after a while I'll get it through my head.~ ~ I have had quite a bit of success melting old trauma by using alternative methods.
This method has helped me a lot. Here's a video to watch:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRXdQNA3aEk
If you want to go into it in more depth, there's
www.tatlife.com to learn some sentences to say at the same time as holding the points. There's also a free telephone group-call that does this every Wednesday morning at 10 am (my time, near Toronto, Ontario).I also find EFT helps & got a LOT of benefit from doing the Preparation Sessions & Level 1 (all free) on the www.tappingcourse.com site.
The thing I like about these methods is that they do NOT re-traumatize me!!
>it's going to take some time and work to overcome it, I hope I can.
~ ~ - if you decide to try the stuff I mentioned, you never know - it might help you. I recently received a "babblemail" from someone here who has tried all kinds of alternative type healing methods & is recently finding that EFT is helping! She thanked me muchly.
> ---flutterby:--- yes, I think it is "overload" that I'm in... my stomach is doing such flips I don't feel much like eating... have this vibrating feeling in my brain... and it's as though I'm sinking in quicksand, going down, down ever so slowly..... wish I could just sleep it all away... :o(
~ ~ sounds awful! I can relate to the last bit.
> > ~ ~ apart from being an awful situation, it's so parallel to what happened when you were 19 that it must hugely trigger all kinds of stuff in you. Maybe something to talk with T about?<<
>
> ---flutterby:-- *opens eyes wide*-- maybe that's it! It feels like I have to keep mother safe so I don't feel a failure like I did back when I was 19 and that lady was in the river. I am going through such anxiety right now! argh!!...~ ~ Maybe TAT can help with that experience. There's a video about a vietnam veteran who was trapped in a helicopter crash years ago & was plagued by it. TAT helped him big-time. I think it's on the www.tatlife.com site.
I've told about EFT & TAT many times, so apologize to those who are sick & tired of hearing me do so!!! And yes, I AM the person who keeps repeating herself, I guess (as one person said!)> ----flutterby:--- Hey, good for you in going and bettering yourself! I don't know if I could do that..... yikes... I clam up in groups... so nervous.
~ ~ at my group, it was totally okay to say nothing. At the first, we went around the table & gave our first name. They also took turns going around the table reading out loud from literature but if you wanted NOT to read, you just said, "Pass."
> thank you ever so much for your reply.
> I worry that I'm bothering people here and that they ignore me in hopes I will go away for good.
> (*rolls eyes*-- is that the ol' devaluing self talk??.... it's always in me, just like breathing)~ ~ I do NOT believe that is the case at all. Sometimes people don't know what to say. Sometimes they might not have the energy to reply. There are lots of reasons but I sincerely don't think hoping you'll go away is one of them!! ((you))
:-)> flutterby-mandy ....ps-- sorry I wrote a "novel" *blushing*...... :o(
~ ~ makes me feel better - I am often long-winded. But you know, there are short posts AND long ones. No limits here!
I send hugs, luv, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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