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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 17 to 41 of 45. Go back in thread:
Posted by Phillipa on November 11, 2011, at 19:20:09
In reply to Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » ihatedrugs, posted by Lou Pilder on November 11, 2011, at 15:53:29
Lou what was the antidressant? Seriously? I'd like to know and research this medication. Was this the first and last antidepressant you ever took? Phillipa
Posted by uncouth on November 11, 2011, at 19:47:21
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05
ihatedrugs,
i'm so very sorry for your pain. i wish i could solve it or offer any suggestions, but i'd say don't give up with the ECT. you're not in a state to be making good judgements about your own health. do it. do it as long as it takes. keep doing it. some people need 50+ before it kicks in.
also I just wanted to say, your post was so simply written but said so very much. i don't know if you've read the book Infinite Jest, but it sorta changed my life. It won't solve your problems, but the writer David Foster Wallace suffered from severe depression and addiction and this 1000 page novel has the most beautiful and accurate portrayal of mental illness including its description of depression...anyway the point is, you remind me of one of the chapters about a man who slipped and fell (this is all fiction but he writes it so well) in his basement one day and woke up in the ER with the most soul crushing depression that wouldn't go away. and nobody understood. but he kept on going on despite all.
i have been in places similar to where you are. i had 23 sessions of ECT. which didn't help things, but I eventuallyr ecovered despite that.
i don't know what things will happen to you, but just keep trying. see if you can get into some ketamine trials
or tell your doctor to let you try riluzole
anything
something
keep trying
please, please, keep reaching out. if you have to post 10x a day on psychobabble, then do it. we are here for you. i have found the most sensitive and understanding people on this board, over the years, it has been a godsend.i'm so sorry for your pain.
Posted by Deneb on November 11, 2011, at 22:30:07
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05
This might sound crazy, but have you thought of a total life change or something? Maybe just being in a different environment would help.
It sounds to me like you have the perfect life if it weren't for the depression. My life is a mess. I'll be 30 in about a month and I still live with my parents and make a minimum wage. But, guess what? I'm happy!
I think the thing that helped me most was finding my crappy minimum wage job. I was a student before and wasn't working, but even though my job sucks (doing surveys over the phone with people), just having this job makes me feel good about myself. I feel like I'm being productive. I have friends there now. I get to socialize now.
Maybe you could do something productive, like volunteer or something if you don't need the money. Just knowing that others depend on me changes my perspective. Maybe try helping other people. I think depression is a very selfish illness. Maybe focusing on other people will help!
I would recommend helping other people who are less fortunate. Then you can truly appreciate how great your life is.
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 23:12:41
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by uncouth on November 11, 2011, at 19:47:21
Thank you for your words. I've been feeling a little better today. The last two days were very difficult as I am beginning yet another new med (Viibrid). I was doing sort of ok or at least I wanted to believe so, but the anxiety came like a fast flood, however today it has eased up a little. I'm sorry about my rant but this illness keeps on eroding my spirit. I think that if my present med regimen doesn't work out, I will have to try another psychiatrist as mine seems to be giving up on me. Thanks for the book recommendation; I will definitely read it. And thank you for your concern. It's always reassuring to hear about someone else's recovery.
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:05:01
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by Deneb on November 11, 2011, at 22:30:07
Oh boy, I should show my husband your post then tell him I'm moving to Paris. :) I've actually always loved the idea of volunteering. I am a high school teacher and as daunting as some people may find this profession, it is actually pretty rewarding. I've taken a two month medical leave to try to figure a new med regimen. I'm also an artist, however I don't have the time to work on my art when I teach. So in a sense, I am at a crossroads because as much as I love teaching and my students, I also want to go back to making art. But for now, I just want to feel well. I am pretty fortunate (sans this evil disease) as I truly love my husband as he loves me and supports me unconditionally. I think this is why I get so frustrated because I have never been able to find one reason to feel this sad and as much as I keep telling myself that I have to accept my condition for what it is -an illness- I find myself resisting and fighting this notion. My husband tells me that I should seek counseling not so much to alleviate the depression but to learn to accept it as a life long condition that will come and go. If it would only just leave for good.
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:27:46
In reply to Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » ihatedrugs, posted by Lou Pilder on November 11, 2011, at 15:53:29
Thank you Lou. There is a say in Spanish that says "God may squeeze your neck but will never choke you" (sounds a lot better in Spanish) which I guess is the equivalent to "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I guess what made me mention God with such anger (which BTW I normally don't do as I was raised Catholic and the nuns did a good job in the guilt-inflicting department)was the fact that I was crying and talking to my mom and she kept on saying that she would pray for me and that everything was going to be ok. I snapped and asked her why would God listen to her and not me. But to be honest He is what I hold on to. I just want the pain to stop. So I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine.
Posted by Lou Pilder on November 12, 2011, at 8:26:24
In reply to Re: Lou's response-phahthrzhowz » Lou Pilder, posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:27:46
> Thank you Lou. There is a say in Spanish that says "God may squeeze your neck but will never choke you" (sounds a lot better in Spanish) which I guess is the equivalent to "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I guess what made me mention God with such anger (which BTW I normally don't do as I was raised Catholic and the nuns did a good job in the guilt-inflicting department)was the fact that I was crying and talking to my mom and she kept on saying that she would pray for me and that everything was going to be ok. I snapped and asked her why would God listen to her and not me. But to be honest He is what I hold on to. I just want the pain to stop. So I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine.
ihd,
You wrote,[...I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine...].
I have written here some concerning how one can be in that realm but Mr. Hsiung has posted prohibitions to me that prohibit me from posting here what could give people the knowledge to enter thhat realm.
Here is a link to some of what I have been attempting to have members know so that they could overcome addiction, and depression and be led to a new life free of the pain you describe.
Lou
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faiith/200800404/msgs/837578.html
Posted by Lou Pilder on November 12, 2011, at 8:29:54
In reply to Lou's reply-graytgholpf » ihatedrugs, posted by Lou Pilder on November 12, 2011, at 8:26:24
> > Thank you Lou. There is a say in Spanish that says "God may squeeze your neck but will never choke you" (sounds a lot better in Spanish) which I guess is the equivalent to "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I guess what made me mention God with such anger (which BTW I normally don't do as I was raised Catholic and the nuns did a good job in the guilt-inflicting department)was the fact that I was crying and talking to my mom and she kept on saying that she would pray for me and that everything was going to be ok. I snapped and asked her why would God listen to her and not me. But to be honest He is what I hold on to. I just want the pain to stop. So I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine.
>
> ihd,
> You wrote,[...I hope, soon, I get to go to the realm you are in as it sounds much lovelier than mine...].
> I have written here some concerning how one can be in that realm but Mr. Hsiung has posted prohibitions to me that prohibit me from posting here what could give people the knowledge to enter thhat realm.
> Here is a link to some of what I have been attempting to have members know so that they could overcome addiction, and depression and be led to a new life free of the pain you describe.
> Lou
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faiith/200800404/msgs/837578.htmlcorrected:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20080404/msgs/837578.html
Posted by Raisinb on November 12, 2011, at 9:59:12
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » Deneb, posted by ihatedrugs on November 12, 2011, at 0:05:01
I am in a similar place as you right now. After countless drugs and different therapies, it is almost impossible to summon that tiny bit of faith it takes to try yet another thing.
What your husband is saying sounds a lot like ACT: acceptance and commitment therapy. I am just learning about it now, reading a book. One of the big ideas is that we have clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain is our original depression. Dirty pain is all the pain that comes from feeling upset about the depression, trying to distract ourselves, trying to suppress it, feeling desperate, etc.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:45:41
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by Raisinb on November 12, 2011, at 9:59:12
Raisin,
What book are you reading? My therapist and I spoke of this very thing last week.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:49:05
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05
I'm sorry Ihd. Have you had periods of remission or of an easing of symptoms?
I'm curiuos how you made it to 33 w/o treatment.
Posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2011, at 18:58:08
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » gadchik, posted by ihatedrugs on November 11, 2011, at 2:51:05
If you have been on meds for 33 years does this make you pre or post menopausal as hormones can play havock with depression/anxiety. Just a thought? Phillipa
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 2:22:12
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:49:05
> I'm sorry Ihd. Have you had periods of remission or of an easing of symptoms?
>
> I'm curiuos how you made it to 33 w/o treatment.I've had periods of remission, in fact, before I sought treatment my depression was episodic. It would come out of the blue last from 3 to 6 months and then go away. It manifested itself in a sort of pattern. It would begin in the Spring and would lift by Fall. I remember loving the Fall season and used to think it was because of the cooler weather until one day it dawned on me that I never felt depressed during those months.
I didn't seek treatment because I didn't want to accept this disease and since I had periods of remission, I would tell myself that it would be the last one. However, each subsequent episode was more intense and decided to seek help. I didn't suffer from anxiety only profound sadness accompanied by uncontrollable crying. I learned to supress the crying and became a master at making people think I was the jolliest person at any party. For the longest time the thought of any one finding out was unthinkable. I was so concerned about what others would think. Anyways, now I don't care as I'm older and hopefully wiser. The last 3 years have complicated matters as I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia/CFS although I would say is more CFS as I don't have much pain.
How have you been doing?
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 2:30:47
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2011, at 18:58:08
> If you have been on meds for 33 years does this make you pre or post menopausal as hormones can play havock with depression/anxiety. Just a thought? Phillipa
I began taking meds at 33 and am now 47 so I'm sure hormones do not feel like playing nice now. Not that they ever did; I've had PMS since my early 20's; Yet never suffered from Post-partum depression. Go figure.
Posted by Raisinb on November 13, 2011, at 3:11:12
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » Raisinb, posted by floatingbridge on November 12, 2011, at 16:45:41
Hi fb,
It is called act for depression:: a guide for clinicians. I always find reading the ones for therapists more helpful than hose written for clients, which are dumbed down and patronizing.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 13, 2011, at 6:49:14
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » floatingbridge, posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 2:22:12
Is the episodic nature a form of bipolar without mania or hypomania?
I'm o.k. The fibro I have is almost CFS. There is something about fatigue for me that feels or is like depression. As I mentioned to Raisin, I was talking with my therapist because this feels so Job-like. After years of depression to become sick is like being robbed. Life throws some big curves, but I'm not dead. Idk.
I'm sorry you have had to deal with what you describe. I'm glad you are teaching and love your students and have accomplished all you have. I did not know you were also an artist. I wish you had the time to disappear into your studio.
Posted by gadchik on November 13, 2011, at 7:11:59
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by uncouth on November 11, 2011, at 19:47:21
Infinite Jest
Thanks for suggesting this book.I love reading books,and I plan to order this one from the library.
Posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 15:16:47
In reply to I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by ihatedrugs on November 10, 2011, at 10:45:03
just wanted to add my support. i'm new here too. i'm in my very first ever severe depression and like you said, i would not wish this on my worst enemy...
another reason i'm replying is that i am/was a highschool teacher as well. not only do we have that in common, but i taught ap art history (though i am not an artist), film history and music history. all to 12th graders at a great school. i miss it/them so very much. i am on medical leave. i'm not sure i would recommend that. my experience with not working and being severely depressed has been extremely difficult. having no place to be for the first time in 26 years just adds to my depression and ruminating. if at all possible, stay in that classroom that i can tell you love so much. maybe go part-time if you can. just a suggestion.
i'm at 20 months of this most disgusting condition. i'm not sure how much more i can take. i, too, have tried several meds and also did a round of ect that failed.
i agree that it is so very hard when people tell you it will get better when that's the last thing you feel or believe. it must be true though because so many say they have felt better after being so deep in the pit. the majority make it out. the #'s are in our favor. (i'm writing these words to remind myself as well.)
psychobabble is a catch-22 in my opinion; great support/info, but made-up mostly of the minority of those who are treatment resistant in regards to their depression. still! the vast majority of the posters are sincerely hopeful that they will get better. i find that inspiring.
i'm curious as to what you teach? and, who are your favorite artist?
hoping you start getting some peace.
john
Posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 15:18:33
In reply to I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by ihatedrugs on November 10, 2011, at 10:45:03
just wanted to add my support. i'm new here too. i'm in my very first ever severe depression and like you said, i would not wish this on my worst enemy...
another reason i'm replying is that i am/was a highschool teacher as well. not only do we have that in common, but i taught ap art history (though i am not an artist), film history and music history. all to 12th graders at a great school. i miss it/them so very much. i am on medical leave. i'm not sure i would recommend that. my experience with not working and being severely depressed has been extremely difficult. having no place to be for the first time in 26 years just adds to my depression and ruminating. if at all possible, stay in that classroom that i can tell you love so much. maybe go part-time if you can. just a suggestion.
i'm at 20 months of this most disgusting condition. i'm not sure how much more i can take. i, too, have tried several meds and also did a round of ect that failed.
i agree that it is so very hard when people tell you it will get better when that's the last thing you feel or believe. it must be true though because so many say they have felt better after being so deep in the pit. the majority make it out. the #'s are in our favor. (i'm writing these words to remind myself as well.)
psychobabble is a catch-22 in my opinion; great support/info, but made-up mostly of the minority of those who are treatment resistant in regards to their depression. still! the vast majority of the posters are sincerely hopeful that they will get better. i find that inspiring.
i'm curious as to what you teach? and, who are your favorite artist?
hoping you start getting some peace.
john
Posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 15:20:36
In reply to I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by ihatedrugs on November 10, 2011, at 10:45:03
just wanted to add my support. i'm new here too. i'm in my very first ever severe depression and like you said, i would not wish this on my worst enemy...
another reason i'm replying is that i am/was a highschool teacher as well. not only do we have that in common, but i taught ap art history (though i am not an artist), film history and music history. all to 12th graders at a great school. i miss it/them so very much. i am on medical leave. i'm not sure i would recommend that. my experience with not working and being severely depressed has been extremely difficult. having no place to be for the first time in 26 years just adds to my depression and ruminating. if at all possible, stay in that classroom that i can tell you love so much. maybe go part-time if you can. just a suggestion.
i'm at 20 months of this most disgusting condition. i'm not sure how much more i can take. i, too, have tried several meds and also did a round of ect that failed.
i agree that it is so very hard when people tell you it will get better when that's the last thing you feel or believe. it must be true though because so many say they have felt better after being so deep in the pit. the majority make it out. the #'s are in our favor. (i'm writing these words to remind myself as well.)
psychobabble is a catch-22 in my opinion; great support/info, but made-up mostly of the minority of those who are treatment resistant in regards to their depression. still! the vast majority of the posters are sincerely hopeful that they will get better. i find that inspiring.
i'm curious as to what you teach? and, who are your favorite artist?
hoping you start getting some peace.
john
Posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 15:22:53
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 15:20:36
sorry for the triple post...
not sure what the hell i did?
j
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 17:26:20
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 15:16:47
> just wanted to add my support. i'm new here too. i'm in my very first ever severe depression and like you said, i would not wish this on my worst enemy...
>
> another reason i'm replying is that i am/was a highschool teacher as well. not only do we have that in common, but i taught ap art history (though i am not an artist), film history and music history. all to 12th graders at a great school. i miss it/them so very much. i am on medical leave. i'm not sure i would recommend that. my experience with not working and being severely depressed has been extremely difficult. having no place to be for the first time in 26 years just adds to my depression and ruminating. if at all possible, stay in that classroom that i can tell you love so much. maybe go part-time if you can. just a suggestion.
>
> i'm at 20 months of this most disgusting condition. i'm not sure how much more i can take. i, too, have tried several meds and also did a round of ect that failed.
>
> i agree that it is so very hard when people tell you it will get better when that's the last thing you feel or believe. it must be true though because so many say they have felt better after being so deep in the pit. the majority make it out. the #'s are in our favor. (i'm writing these words to remind myself as well.)
>
> psychobabble is a catch-22 in my opinion; great support/info, but made-up mostly of the minority of those who are treatment resistant in regards to their depression. still! the vast majority of the posters are sincerely hopeful that they will get better. i find that inspiring.
>
> i'm curious as to what you teach? and, who are your favorite artist?
>
> hoping you start getting some peace.
>
> john
>John,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can certainly relate.
You taught AP Art History, how awesome. I wanted to teach it but the school budget wouldn't allow it. I'm also on medical leave for two months. I'll be returning the 1st week of December. I know what you mean about leaving the classroom. For the 8 hours or so I spend with my students there is always that one kid who makes me laugh. However, when I teach, I can't find the time to work on my art and that bothers me. I remember whenever I felt well and worked on a project, I would feel such contentment and peace. Perhaps because all my thoughts were vested into what I was doing.
About this forum you are right it can be a double edge sword. Those who are in remission are living their lives and have no need to visit this site. I'm one of them. Each time I get better I spend less time on PB. I do check in from time to time to see how others are doing and to offer some advice. But when the monster returns, this is the first place I come to. You will notice some posters come and go and that is good because it often means they no longer need the support. You mentioned this is your first depressive episode. May I ask if it was due to any particular situation or did it just come out the blue?
As for my favorite artist, I love Matisse. Perhaps because he once said "Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." I also think he mastered color like no other. Other favorites are Hans Hoffman, De Kooning, Pollock, Frida and as obnoxious as he was Picasso. BTW, I teach Spanish AP and Spanish Literature AP. Who are among your favorite artists?
I know we don't like to hear it but I've been around this rodeo several times and it does get better. It just becomes harder to manage with each subsequent episode and adding CFS to the mix does not help matters. Hang in there and may you also find Peace.
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 17:33:14
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » ihatedrugs, posted by floatingbridge on November 13, 2011, at 6:49:14
> Is the episodic nature a form of bipolar without mania or hypomania?
>
> I'm o.k. The fibro I have is almost CFS. There is something about fatigue for me that feels or is like depression. As I mentioned to Raisin, I was talking with my therapist because this feels so Job-like. After years of depression to become sick is like being robbed. Life throws some big curves, but I'm not dead. Idk.
>
> I'm sorry you have had to deal with what you describe. I'm glad you are teaching and love your students and have accomplished all you have. I did not know you were also an artist. I wish you had the time to disappear into your studio.Mania or bipolarity has never been suggested nor suspected by any of my Pdoctors. If I'm not depressed I'm usually fine.
I do also hope I get to go back to my art.
I'm taking Vyvanse for CFS and it is the only thing that gets me going. Without it I coudn't function.
Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 17:36:28
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain, posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 17:33:14
Posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 19:19:27
In reply to Re: I'm losing all hope...so tired of fighting in vain » JohnLA, posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 17:26:20
thnx ihd-
very cool classes that you teach. one of the girls i loved in my life liked for me to read pablo neruda poems to her in spanish...though i didn't understand a word, she found it very romantic.
my depression came about from an 'imperfect storm' of equal parts financial stress, health issues, and loneliness. it all came crumbling down in march, 2010. though, looking back, i think i may have been in a mild funk for a few years before. i could list my specific reasons i'm depressed, but i won't. i'm also thinking i might just be in one hell of a mid-life crisis! ;) one of my issues i realize is that i was in the 12th grade for the last 26 years emotionally and just never truly grew-up. i'm 49, single and now sick. call me a washed-up peter pan.
i really like your list of favorite artists. i was lucky enough to see a major exhibit of pollock at MoMA in NY during the 1990's. that experience actually inspired me to start the ap art history program at our school.
if i was to answer your question about my favorite artists i would say miles, coltrane, billie, bill evans and john lennon of course.
or, a long list of film directors...
but! i know we are talking painters. :) here's my list; leonardo, chagall, rothko, vermeer, your beloved pollock, and botticelli (god his models were so gorgeous and modern looking!).
so, there are a few of many. like i said i miss 'doing my thing' in class and being in such a positive environment. really miss it.
kind of like what you said with your artwork. i miss the 'groove' i would get in with the students. the give and take. i loved learning from those kids.
besides my depression i am suffering severe anhedonia. there is not one thing that brings me pleasure. i find this almost bizarre. i was extremely passionate about so much that life offers, especially the arts. it's heart-breaking. i just wish i could cry, but these meds do a good job of blunting emotion.
so, there is a bit of my story.
thnx again for replying to my post. i hope you find the rest you need during your leave.
john
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