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Re: I'm losing all tired of fighting in vain JohnLA

Posted by ihatedrugs on November 13, 2011, at 17:26:20

In reply to Re: I'm losing all tired of fighting in vain, posted by JohnLA on November 13, 2011, at 15:16:47

> just wanted to add my support. i'm new here too. i'm in my very first ever severe depression and like you said, i would not wish this on my worst enemy...
> another reason i'm replying is that i am/was a highschool teacher as well. not only do we have that in common, but i taught ap art history (though i am not an artist), film history and music history. all to 12th graders at a great school. i miss it/them so very much. i am on medical leave. i'm not sure i would recommend that. my experience with not working and being severely depressed has been extremely difficult. having no place to be for the first time in 26 years just adds to my depression and ruminating. if at all possible, stay in that classroom that i can tell you love so much. maybe go part-time if you can. just a suggestion.
> i'm at 20 months of this most disgusting condition. i'm not sure how much more i can take. i, too, have tried several meds and also did a round of ect that failed.
> i agree that it is so very hard when people tell you it will get better when that's the last thing you feel or believe. it must be true though because so many say they have felt better after being so deep in the pit. the majority make it out. the #'s are in our favor. (i'm writing these words to remind myself as well.)
> psychobabble is a catch-22 in my opinion; great support/info, but made-up mostly of the minority of those who are treatment resistant in regards to their depression. still! the vast majority of the posters are sincerely hopeful that they will get better. i find that inspiring.
> i'm curious as to what you teach? and, who are your favorite artist?
> hoping you start getting some peace.
> john

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can certainly relate.
You taught AP Art History, how awesome. I wanted to teach it but the school budget wouldn't allow it. I'm also on medical leave for two months. I'll be returning the 1st week of December. I know what you mean about leaving the classroom. For the 8 hours or so I spend with my students there is always that one kid who makes me laugh. However, when I teach, I can't find the time to work on my art and that bothers me. I remember whenever I felt well and worked on a project, I would feel such contentment and peace. Perhaps because all my thoughts were vested into what I was doing.
About this forum you are right it can be a double edge sword. Those who are in remission are living their lives and have no need to visit this site. I'm one of them. Each time I get better I spend less time on PB. I do check in from time to time to see how others are doing and to offer some advice. But when the monster returns, this is the first place I come to. You will notice some posters come and go and that is good because it often means they no longer need the support. You mentioned this is your first depressive episode. May I ask if it was due to any particular situation or did it just come out the blue?
As for my favorite artist, I love Matisse. Perhaps because he once said "Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." I also think he mastered color like no other. Other favorites are Hans Hoffman, De Kooning, Pollock, Frida and as obnoxious as he was Picasso. BTW, I teach Spanish AP and Spanish Literature AP. Who are among your favorite artists?
I know we don't like to hear it but I've been around this rodeo several times and it does get better. It just becomes harder to manage with each subsequent episode and adding CFS to the mix does not help matters. Hang in there and may you also find Peace.




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