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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 19:30:16
it's going to be weeks before I even get the mammogram done and read, and I'm falling apart. Of course, that's getting it done 'free' through a program that pays for diagnostic mammograms for women under 40. Instead of paying with money, you pay with misery, you know? Plus, can't go to any doctor except the one they're contracted with. Still, no money involved.
I don't know if I can stand the wait, but I do want to know if I'm going to die soon without having to lift a hand myself, you know? On top of which, there are all sorts of other things coming up over this, that I'm not handling very well, and I'm still not really eating, and can't really talk, etc. (NO! DO NOT call the police again, please?)
Anyway, when my husband left a little while ago, I caught myself thinking that I just needed to get out of this whole thing. I should just end everything while I had the chance. Obviously, I didn't, I came here to ask the question instead.
So, from those of you who know more than I, is this a more dangerous time for me, or a less dangerous time? I've gotten past the initial total meltdown, but gone on into a sort of twilight zone where I can't do much besides wait and wonder if there's any "right" decision in anything I'm facing right now.
Does any of that make any sense at all to any of you? Do you have any answer for it? Thanks.
Oh, yeah, and Dr Bob is specially invited to chime in if he's around...
Posted by tina on July 24, 2003, at 19:50:43
In reply to am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less?, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 19:30:16
Racer
I'm sorry you have to wait. I can imagine it's agonizing no matter how you want it to come out.
I'm always hoping for something to come along and take me out without my having to do it but I wouldn't wish it on someone else. I wish I could help but in your situation, I would feel the same way you do. Perhaps you'll find a place within yourself that just says "oh well, whatever happens, happens" It may be a coping mechanism but it offers respite sometimes. Emotions just close down and you simply go through the motions of living.
I do hope the mammogram shows nothing but I fully understand a part of you wanting it to.
all I can do is send you strength and a hope for good things to come
take care Racer,
tina
Posted by shar on July 24, 2003, at 21:03:36
In reply to am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less?, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 19:30:16
If it is at all reassuring, probably less. That's my humble opinion, based on similar episodes in my life, and could be totally wrong.
> Instead of paying with money, you pay with misery, you know?
Man, I hear that! I had gov't benefits for a short time and went to the ER to have chest pain checked out (the gov't said go to the ER because the clinic couldn't see me for at least a month), and I was there all day, watching people come and go. It totally sucked, and I would be hard put to go back even in the midst of a heart attack. Finally, I unhooked myself from the machines (setting off the alarms) and went outside to have a smoke. After about 8 hours of sitting on a bed, like a prisoner, with the occasional dr dropping in (different one each time) for their 3 minute chat. Arrrggghhh. Horrible, I feel for you big time.
> I don't know if I can stand the wait, but I do want to know if I'm going to die soon without having to lift a hand myself, you know?
Yes, I can understand how ideal that feels. As long as it is fairly quick and relatively painless. Low income clinics are bad about giving pain meds.
> I'm still not really eating, and can't really talk, etc. (NO! DO NOT call the police again, please?)
You don't sound actively suicidal to me; I wouldn't endorse police now either. Not eating is so bad. I do it myself, just don't think about it, forget it, etc. But, it makes a BIG difference when I eat. I encourage you to try, even just a little something. I expect your appetite is pretty much gone.
> So, from those of you who know more than I, is this a more dangerous time for me, or a less dangerous time? I've gotten past the initial total meltdown, but gone on into a sort of twilight zone where I can't do much besides wait and wonder if there's any "right" decision in anything I'm facing right now.This is not a good time for decision making, period. Also, not a good time to work on hard issues from childhood, or stuff like that. Sometimes we get in 'shoot ourselves in the other foot' mode and try to do hard stuff while we are in the midst of our worst pain. Not a good plan (but I understand it because I do it, too).
This is a good time to put one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out (as Greg says), take a little baby step when you can. Otherwise, thinking too much isn't warranted, at least not in the twilight zone.
Give yourself two more weeks of only doing the necessities, and two more after that, and then begin to consider whether it's a good time to make a decision. Use your intuition to guide you (so often we have great intuition, borne of pain, and it's the first thing we ignore). Suicidal thoughts are not intuition or internal guidance, imo, though it may feel like it.
Try to eat.
Now, if I were you, and really down, in your situation, I would merrily skip past all this wonderful advice. So, I'll narrow it down to 'try to eat.' Please.
Shar
Posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 21:17:45
In reply to Re: am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less? » Racer, posted by shar on July 24, 2003, at 21:03:36
The problem is that one of the decisions really does have to be made now: whether to wait through the weeks between now and a free mammogram, or make arrangements myself to get it done and over with.
On the one hand, if I wait, it's paid for. The problem is, what if I wait, it is cancerous, and during the time it takes to get the mammogram done, then the wait for a biopsy, then the wait for everything else -- well, what if by that time there's nothing to be done? (Remember, my husband's job hunt is nationwide: we might be living anywhere by the time the next test was authorized.) What if I die because of it?
On the other hand, what if it's nothing, and we put ourselves farther into debt for nothing beyond my peace of mind?
And on the third hand, I think the only thing keeping me alive right now is wondering if this is cancer or not. It's something I'd like to know, even if I can't tell you why it matters so much to me right now.
Otherwise, breathing in and out is about the only thing I'm managing right now. Eating and talking both require opening my mouth, which I can't seem to do.
Even though I said that I need to make the decision, it's kinda made already. Although my husband isn't really keen on paying for something we could get done free by waiting, I'm planning to call Stanford tomorrow to see if we can get it all done there instead. And there's a doctor in Indiana who's going to arrange second (and third through seventh) opinions for me, I think. Now that I know the lump is there -- excuse me, the "large, irregular mass" is there -- I can also feel how it pulls on other parts of my breast and chest wall. I think I'd like to get something done sooner.
Posted by noa on July 24, 2003, at 21:26:20
In reply to Re: am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less? » Racer, posted by shar on July 24, 2003, at 21:03:36
>This is a good time to put one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out (as Greg says), take a little baby step when you can. Otherwise, thinking too much isn't warranted, at least not in the twilight zone.
I agree with Shar--and just make it your job to take care of yourself and get through each day.
Posted by allisonm on July 24, 2003, at 21:29:36
In reply to One of the decisions I have to make now » shar, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 21:17:45
From what you are saying, this sounds like a good decision to me. Knowledge is power.
Take care.
Posted by noa on July 24, 2003, at 21:34:22
In reply to One of the decisions I have to make now » shar, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 21:17:45
>. Now that I know the lump is there -- excuse me, the "large, irregular mass" is there -- I can also feel how it pulls on other parts of my breast and chest wall. I think I'd like to get something done sooner.
That sounds like you have decided what you want to do.
I have no idea what the risk of waiting would be--not knowing how the cancer develops, etc. and whether the interval of time you have to wait is key or not.
It sounds from the above post like you want to get it done now so you don't have to deal with the not knowing and not knowing if the time is crucial.
If you want to do it now, what I can say is you deserve to be able to do so. To feel like you shouldn't because it could end up being negative--that is kind of setting yourself up to feel guilty for not having cancer!
I absolutely understand the dilemma---having secured free services, it is hard to forego them, and if you decide to wait, that is ok. But if you get the tests sooner---no matter what the results of the test, if you want to have it now, the money will have been worth it. That is my opinion.
Posted by Phil on July 24, 2003, at 23:01:09
In reply to am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less?, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 19:30:16
If there's a way to swing it, do not wait.
I'll pledge $100.00.
Take it as a gift. My mom had breast cancer in her 30's and lived to 73 and smoked like a chimney.
My email is horizontalbliss at yahoo if you're interested.
If you won't feel right unless you pay me back, do it when you can but I'd rather you could take it as a gift.
I like donating to the ACS but doing it for a friend would be much cooler.
Just let me know, K?
It would be not charity
But a sh*tload of good Karma for me. : )I look at it this way..If that lump was between you eyes, you would be at that doc office pronto. I can let some things wait but say I had a lump near my "unit". I'd be at that doctors so fast it would make your head spin.
Never wait. Time is everything.Phil
Posted by NikkiT2 on July 25, 2003, at 8:22:54
In reply to am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less?, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 19:30:16
Hun,
my mum found a lump many many years ago... her doc told her it was a bpocked milk duct and this went on for years.. by the time she got a new doc her nipple had inverted and was weeping heavily.. the cancer by this point was pretty well spread...
BUT - she didn;t die. 12 years on she is totally cancer free and healthy as hell.. she had a mastectomy, a radical one, and lymph nodes removed.. and has recently had her breast rebuilt.. well, she now has wonderful pert boobs that looks fantastic and she looks soo good in a swimming costume now!!You've caught your lump early hun.. I just know everything will be OK.
But I do understand how awful thse few weeks must be for you. I really do.. when I failed a smear I had a 6 week wait for a colposcopy and biopsy, and then another 8 week wait for treatment and the wait was just hideous.
Wish there was more I could do for you right now
Nikki xxx
Posted by kazoo on October 9, 2003, at 4:43:49
In reply to am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less?, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 19:30:16
"Re: am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less?"^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Is it live? Or is it MEMOREX?" Kindly consult audio technician or audiophile."Does she? Or doesn't she?" Kindly consult hairdresser or Lady Clairol.
Kindly consult a medium-sized mirror because only you, and nobody but you, can determine your misery/happiness index.
You are stronger than you think, but the strength lies within ... wake up, kind spirit ... the world awaits you in awe and wonderment.
kazoo
This is the end of the thread.
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