Posted by shar on July 24, 2003, at 21:03:36
In reply to am I more dangerous to myself now? Or less?, posted by Racer on July 24, 2003, at 19:30:16
If it is at all reassuring, probably less. That's my humble opinion, based on similar episodes in my life, and could be totally wrong.
> Instead of paying with money, you pay with misery, you know?
Man, I hear that! I had gov't benefits for a short time and went to the ER to have chest pain checked out (the gov't said go to the ER because the clinic couldn't see me for at least a month), and I was there all day, watching people come and go. It totally sucked, and I would be hard put to go back even in the midst of a heart attack. Finally, I unhooked myself from the machines (setting off the alarms) and went outside to have a smoke. After about 8 hours of sitting on a bed, like a prisoner, with the occasional dr dropping in (different one each time) for their 3 minute chat. Arrrggghhh. Horrible, I feel for you big time.
> I don't know if I can stand the wait, but I do want to know if I'm going to die soon without having to lift a hand myself, you know?
Yes, I can understand how ideal that feels. As long as it is fairly quick and relatively painless. Low income clinics are bad about giving pain meds.
> I'm still not really eating, and can't really talk, etc. (NO! DO NOT call the police again, please?)
You don't sound actively suicidal to me; I wouldn't endorse police now either. Not eating is so bad. I do it myself, just don't think about it, forget it, etc. But, it makes a BIG difference when I eat. I encourage you to try, even just a little something. I expect your appetite is pretty much gone.
> So, from those of you who know more than I, is this a more dangerous time for me, or a less dangerous time? I've gotten past the initial total meltdown, but gone on into a sort of twilight zone where I can't do much besides wait and wonder if there's any "right" decision in anything I'm facing right now.This is not a good time for decision making, period. Also, not a good time to work on hard issues from childhood, or stuff like that. Sometimes we get in 'shoot ourselves in the other foot' mode and try to do hard stuff while we are in the midst of our worst pain. Not a good plan (but I understand it because I do it, too).
This is a good time to put one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out (as Greg says), take a little baby step when you can. Otherwise, thinking too much isn't warranted, at least not in the twilight zone.
Give yourself two more weeks of only doing the necessities, and two more after that, and then begin to consider whether it's a good time to make a decision. Use your intuition to guide you (so often we have great intuition, borne of pain, and it's the first thing we ignore). Suicidal thoughts are not intuition or internal guidance, imo, though it may feel like it.
Try to eat.
Now, if I were you, and really down, in your situation, I would merrily skip past all this wonderful advice. So, I'll narrow it down to 'try to eat.' Please.
Shar
poster:shar
thread:244992
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20030702/msgs/245016.html