Posted by AMD on May 8, 2005, at 18:28:26
In reply to Re: chemist: alcohol? how much? » AMD, posted by Larry Hoover on May 8, 2005, at 9:01:00
Thank you for the responses. I'm still feeling a bit depressed and thus also all the effects that go with it: memory is blunted, recall slow; it's hard to get out of bed; I want to sleep constantly (which is easy to do when you have a bottle of Seroquel handy). So until this passes, I'll be in full-on "freak out" mode.
You're right, this is definitely heavy use, and it's definitely a prohibition breaking cycle given my post-use guilt.
I keep thinking: "What did you do, what did you do, what did you do?" And hoping at any minute the capacity to smile will return, life will look good again, and my hopes and desires won't seem as unattainable as they do now.
I should never play such a mental crap shoot with my brain. I can't believe all the substances I mixed -- that's eight or nine different chemicals in there playing with one another. Not a good idea, amd.
The kick-starter for all of this is that first drink: it lowers my inhibitions, and the next thing I know I'll do anything. I'm sure if heroin had been present at the time I'd have injected. So on the one hand I will freak out about the damage I may have done with the K, while on the other I count myself lucky it stopped with that.
I am just afraid that something is mixed up in my head now, especially after doing the ketamine, and that whatever is mixed up my brain won't be able to unmix.
One day at a time, I suppose. Perhaps in a week I'll have a clear head again and can do what it takes not to have a repeat of this.
I need to change my surroundings, too. I live above a bar; I date a woman who indulges. Both, I think, need to go. Sure, in theory it's me who has to change. But their presence is definitely not helping.
I need counseling, and help.
I hope I will be all right. I don't want my memory to be destroyed because I did an animal tranquilizer one night. (So ketamine has never been used on humans? And if it has, this amount -- 25 - 75 mg of powdered K -- would not call permanent damage?)
Larry, chemist -- I'll try to quit bugging you guys with questions. Next time I'll do a Google search and look for the previous answers you supplied, which will invariably address my concerns.
amd
poster:AMD
thread:492031
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050506/msgs/495307.html